Cartoon of the Week
Category Archives: amusements
Quotes of the Week
A small selection of this week’s strange and interesting findings …
Hogwash entered the room, and, having entered, decided, upon entry, having viewed all there was, and some of what was not, to be seen, to remove himself, once more, from the room by the same route through which he had, so recently, entered.
[Craig Brown, The Marsh-Marlowe Letters, parodying Anthony Powell]
He possessed that opportune facility for turning out several thousand words on any subject whatever at the shortest possible notice: politics; sport; books; finance; science; art; fashion – as he himself said, ‘War, Famine, Pestilence or Death on a Pale Horse.’ All were equal when it came to Bagshaw’s typewriter. He could take on anything, and – to be fair – what he produced, even off the cuff, was no worse than was to be read most of the time. You never wondered how on earth the stuff had ever managed to be printed.
[Anthony Powell, Books Do Furnish a Room]
I just love Tudor/Restoration “irregular” spelling …
[I]n 1558-59 St Mary Woolnoth paid ‘one Robert Bennett syngyngeman for servynge in the churche at dyvers tymes from the begynnynge of August tyll Michaelmas’.
[John Harley, The World of William Byrd: Musicians, Merchants and Magnates]
London is a patchwork of the fabulous and the shit.
[Antonia at Whoopee]
Too right!
Finally something bringing us right up to date …
This train reduces CO2 emissions
[Slogan on a Southern Trains emu at Clapham, 19/05/2011]
I’m not sure how this is achieved: presumably the train selectively sucks CO2 from the atmosphere. One suspects they mean “this train causes the emission of less CO2 than other trains/modes of transport. But that’s not what it says, guys!
Cartoon of the Week
Listography – Products
Slightly late with this week’s Listography entry, as proposed by Kate Takes 5. This week it’s all about products — specifically those top five products you couldn’t live without.
So in the interests of not frightening the horses natives, here’s my sensible list:
Laptop or PC. I don’t mind if I have a laptop or a desktop PC; I’m happy using either; both have advantages and disadvantages. But I’m a fish out of water without instant access to the intertubes and all my documentation.
Bed. I need my sleep. I need oil tanker loads of beauty sleep and even then it doesn’t do any good. Bed for me is a haven; not just somewhere to sleep but somewhere to relax, read, think and even on occasions watch TV. Yes, we still live very much in student mode, even 40 years after the event!
Camera. I always carry a camera. You never know what you’re going to see. Mostly it’s dull, but very occasionally it isn’t. And I like photographing people and the odd things that go on around me; especially people. Even at home my camera sits to hand on my desk.
Beer. Well we’d better have something to sustain us. I don’t drink a lot of beer these days; I’ve switched mostly to wine in the interests of trying (and failing) to lose weight and control the diabetes. But I love beer and couldn’t do without the occasional fix. And anyway, what else does one really want to drink with curry?
Glasses. As in spectacles. I’m as blind as a bat without my glasses, which I’ve worn since I was about 14. They are such a part of me that I don’t know I’m wearing them, so I’ve never even bothered to think much about having lenses — and not too much point now as I’d still need reading glasses. I like my varifocals; unlike many people I’ve never had problem with them.
So there you are. What are your top five things you couldn’t do without.
Pure Silliness
My brain has gone on strike. I cannot get it into the right gear to write anything even remotely resembling thoughts. See it can’t even write proper English!
So instead I decided I’d share with you a really very stupid, silly, not to say crap, piece of dogrel verse I penned a couple of years ago, when work was especially horrid.
Sisyphus Rolls His Jelly
The mountains of treacle
Grow up to the skies;
The mouldings of jelly
Grow big in pigsties;
But my toothpicks, my toothpicks
Stay tiny and slight,
No wonder my job
It is stressful and shite.
See I told you it was a pile of old tripe.
Now I’d better let my brain have a a lie down.
Quote: Bed
Be careful what you wear to bed at night, you never know who you’ll meet in your dreams.
UK Government Announces New Regulators
Just in case you missed it, yesterday Rt Hon Dr Vince Cable MP, Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills in the UK Government announced the new independent Statutory Regulators for a wide variety of industries. They are:
- Office of the Gambling Industry Regulator, to be known as Offchance
- Office for the Regulation of Comedians and Entertainers, Offcolour
- Office for the Regulation of Hair Stylists, Offcut
- Office for the Regulation of Sex Workers, Offhand
- Office for the Regulation of Meteorologists, Office
- Office of the Home Working Regulator, Offhome
- Office of the Regulator of Private Security Firms, Offpeek
- Office of the Regulator of Sales and Marketing, Offsales
- Office for the Information Technology Regulator, Offit
- Office for the Regulation of Musicians, Offkey
- Office of the Association Football (Soccer) Regulator, Offside
- Office for the Regulation of Child Minders, Offspring
- Office of the Regulator of Stately Homes, Offhouse
- Office of the Regulator of UK Plc, Offuk
[Re-listed courtesy of the London Gazette]
Listography
For some amusement I thought I’d delve into the weekly Listography from Kate Takes 5. So here are my five contributions for this week’s theme: Bad Combinations.
Pubic Hair + Wax
Well really any hair and wax, or sticking plasters. Just say no. Ouch!!!!
Knife + Finger
Yes I had a knife and finger incident a few days ago and successfully removed the tip of my little finger.
Chilli + Genitals
Actually, again, chilli plus any sensitive tissues – nose, eyes, etc. But chilli and naughty bits is great fun – NOT!
Shorts + Shoes and Socks
What is it about middle-aged British men that as soon as the summer sun appears they wear shorts but with their normal shoes and socks? Shorts with dark calf-length socks and brogues looks decidedly naff.
Meat + Sugar
Meat with anything sweet is to me horrible. Whoever thought of eating meat with jam?! I’m OK with meat and fruit, it’s the sugar that inevitably goes with it I detest.
Anyone else going to contribute ideas?
Sex up Your Pub Quiz Knowledge
Just in time for your next pub quiz night I came across this curious list of odd sexual facts. Amongst the gems are:
80% of men living in the USA have been circumcised.
Which I find at best sad but not surprising.
During sexual intercourse, in addition to the genitals and breasts, the inner nose also swells.
Weird! But why?
A teaspoon of semen contains approximately 5 calories.
So it ain’t going to do too much damage to your diet!
During an average man’s lifetime, he will ejaculate approximately 17 litres of semen.
Good grief, that’s almost two buckets! Although at an average 5ml a pop it is only one ejaculation a week between the ages of 16 and 81. Are you really getting enough?! Especially knowing that …
It’s possible to relieve depression through masturbation.
Now that sounds like the best excuse ever for a bit of Onanism!
All taken from www.lustability.com/facts.php
Cartoon of the Week
