Category Archives: amusements

amusements, current affairs, topographical

You Really Didn't Want to Do That!

I’ve been reminded recently that English law contains many curious, ancient and still extant statutes. The following examples are culled from the endlessly interesting The Strange Laws of Old England by Nigel Cawthorne (Piatkus, 2004).

First, there are many curious statutes surrounding Parliament and the monarchy:

  • Under a law of 1324 all whales belong to the monarch as do all swans unless they are on the River Thames and marked as belonging to either the Vintners’ Company and the Dyers’ Company.
  • Under the Treason Act of 1351 anyone who do violate the king’s companion, or the king’s eldest daughter unmarried, or the wife of the king’s eldest son is committing treason – as of course would be the violated party.
  • Parliament is still technically allowed to burn books but under Section 39 of the Malicious Damage act of 1861 others persons are not.
  • Under a law of 1313 MPs are forbidden to wear armour in Parliament. However they may play roulette in the lobbies.
  • If any Jew becomes Prime Minister, under the Jews Relief Act of 1858 he (or presumably she) is not allowed to advise on the appointment of any ecclesiastical post in the Churches of England, Ireland and Scotland, with the duty devolving on the Archbishop of Canterbury. Roman Catholics are similarly barred but not Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs or Buddhists.

Many cities and towns have peculiarities enshrined either in statute law of their bye-laws. For instance:

  • In Hertford a wife has the right to throw out her husband’s stash of girlie magazines, adult movies and any other material of a sexual nature.
  • In Bristol it is illegal to have sex while lying underneath a car. (But inside it is OK.)
  • If a man takes a woman out for a drive in Leeds on a Sunday he is prohibited from making any suggestion of an amorous nature while he is driving – but only if he’s driving a car; any other vehicle is OK.
  • Couples in Edinburgh may not have sex in cars parked in car parks or on public streets. But it is OK if the car is parked on their own property as long as the act is committed on the back seat.

As one would expect London has a peculiar set of laws all its own …

  • Freemen of the City of London have various privileges including the right to herd sheep over London Bridge (which they still exercise from time to time), being allowed to go about the City with a drawn sword and if convicted of a capital offence they have the right to be hanged with a silken cord.
  • According to an old City ordinance it is illegal to check into a London hotel under assumed names for the purpose of having sex. It is also illegal to have sex in trains, buses, parked cars, churchyards, churches and parks. (But apparently it is OK in a moving car as long as one continues to drive with due care and attention.)
  • Many house-proud Londoners unwittingly break the law every day. Under section 60 of the wide-ranging Metropolitan Police Act of 1839 it is an offence to beat or shake any carpet, rug or mat in any street in the Metropolitan Police District although it is permitted to shake out a doormat as long as you do it before eight o’clock in the morning.
  • The same Act imposes a similar fine on every person who shall empty or begin to empty a privy between the hours of six in the morning and twelve at night, or remove along any thoroughfare any night soil, soap lees, ammoniacal liquor or other such offensive matter, between the hours of six in the morning and eight in the evening, or who shall at any time use for any such purpose any cart or carriage not having a proper covering, or who shall carelessly slop or spill any such offensive matter. (And quite right too!)
  • The slaughtering or dressing of cattle in the streets remains illegal, except if the animal concerned has been run over by the person who is doing the slaughtering or dressing. Moreover Metropolitan Streets Act of 1867 forbids the driving of cattle down the roadway between 10 AM and 7 PM without prior approval from the Commissioner of Police.
  • In view of the foregoing it is hardly surprising the Londoners are not allowed to keep a pigsty in the front of their houses.
  • And now for something completely odd … It is unlawful for anyone who lives within a mile of any arsenal or store for explosives to possess a pack of playing cards.
  • What few Londoners know is that it is illegal to hail a cab while it is in motion – technically you must go to a cab rank or place appointed. All taxi ranks are still required to have a water trough so the horses could take a drink.
  • The cabby is should ask each of his passengers, and he should carry out an on-the-spot medical examination, to determine if they are suffering from any notifiable disease such as smallpox or the plague as conveying sufferers is illegal. And if a passenger were to pass away during the journey he would be committing another offence as it is illegal for a taxi driver to carry corpses or rabid dogs.
  • The cabby is also required to carry out a thorough search of his vehicle before allowing his fare to go on their way as it is the cabby’s responsibility, not the passenger’s, to see that nothing is left behind.

More generally …

  • In a judgement of 1881 Mr Justice Kessel, then Master of the Rolls, decreed that a creditor may accept anything in settlement of a debt except a lesser amount of money as this would constitute a nudum pactum or one-sided contract. (In English law a contract has to be of material benefit to both parties.)
  • An Act of 1405 instructed every parish that ran its own affairs to have a set of stocks and decreed that any village without stocks be downgraded to a mere hamlet. And yes, this is still in force!
  • When celebrating Guy Fawkes’s Night it remains permissible for children to go door to door collecting “a penny for the guy” only with the written permission of the local Chief Constable of Police.


And finally … It remains illegal to impersonate Chelsea Pensioner.

amusements, links, sexuality

Weekly Links

This week a selection of links about that perennially fascinating subject: sex! And no, there’s nothing here your teenage daughter shouldn’t to read, and it is all essentially safe for work: no nasty pictures!

Emily at Emily Nagoski : Sex Nerd has an interesting perspective on the events of last weekend. Everything from the Royal Wedding to the death of Osama bin Laden, it’s all to do with sex.

Bish! is a UK-based information site about sex and relationships for young people (like teenagers). They recently posted a weblog item about Talking about Sex with Teens. Now I’m not a parent, but the article (and indeed the whole site) strikes me as extremely useful. They also publish information packs and there’s a section on the site specifically for parents and carers.

Earlier this week the Wall Street Journal so far forgot itself as to run an article on Researching the Health Benefits of Sex. Yes, it is about doing the research, but it also contains lots of information about how sexual response works etc. It’s worth a read.

Finally something to bring a smile to your face (and elsewhere!). Apparently May is Masturbation Month. No, I wouldn’t have known either but for Cory Silverberg pointing it out over at About.com.

amusements, books, current affairs, quotes, sexuality, thoughts

Quotes of the Week

A mixed bag of quotes this week …

When the British government set up the loss-making groundnut scheme in Africa in 1947, a law was passed which contained a paragraph that read: ‘In the Nuts (unground) (other than ground-nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground-nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground-nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground).’
[Nigel Cawthorne; The Strange Laws of Old England]

We can reject everything else: religion, ideology, all received wisdom. But we cannot escape the necessity of love and compassion … This, then, is my true religion, my simple faith. In this sense, there is no need for temple or church, for mosque or synagogue, no need for complicated philosophy, doctrine or dogma. Our own heart, our own mind, is the temple. The doctrine is compassion. Love for others and respect for their rights and dignity, no matter who or what they are: ultimately these are all we need. So long as we practice these in our daily lives, then no matter if we are learned or unlearned, whether we believe in Buddha or God, or follow some other religion or none at all, as long as we have compassion for others and conduct ourselves with restraint out of a sense of responsibility, there is no doubt we will be happy.
[Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama]

If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities.
[Voltaire]

‘A long time ago.’
‘I didn’t have white hair in those days,’ said Granny. ‘Everything was a different colour in those days.’
‘That’s true.’
‘It didn’t rain so much in the summer time.’
‘The sunsets were redder.’
‘There were more old people. The world was full of them,’ said the wizard.
‘Yes, I know. And now it’s full of young people. Funny, really.’
[Terry Pratchett; Equal Rites]

[S]he was opposed to books on strict moral grounds, since she had heard that many of them were written by dead people and therefore it stood to reason reading them would be as bad as necromancy.
[Terry Pratchett; Equal Rites]

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
[WC Fields]

I screwed in the first one. I realised how hot it really was that day. I screwed in the second one. Now I was sweltering, and my wrist ached like I’d manually pleasured a rugby team.
[Antonia at http://yetanotherbloomingblog.blogspot.com/2011/05/my-darlings.html]

amusements, current affairs, nudism

OMG!

1 Comment


I’ve just been looking at some of the photographs from the royal wedding so here are a few thoughts. Links to the photos where possible — the first few are from BBC News (you’ll have to page through the BBC sets). There are duplicate/alternative pictures in some of the sets. So …

  • Why are we allowed an illegal number plate?
  • Kate does look rather good, although she could do with a little more flesh on her (not a lot, just a few of pounds) — bet the bloody royal machine has been making her diet like they did all the other recent brides.
  • As has been commented elsewhere, sister Pippa had the nicer frock. And apparently Prince Hal spent a lot of the time making eyes at her — sensible boy!
  • For a pair of trained military men neither of the princes can stand up straight. Both deserve a dressing down from their Drill Sergeants.
  • Whoever thought it a good idea to let the Princess Royal out looking like Widow Twanky’s char lady on a day out?
  • How does David Beckham come to look like the young Clint Eastwood? And WTF is Mistress Beckham wearing on her feet?

And now for a few (more) of the guests from BBC News …

  • What a frightful pink coat!
  • Another of Beckham looking like a Hollywood cowboy.
  • Oh dear, Elton! Which side of the bed did we get out of?
  • Rowan Atkinson as Greek shipping magnate.
  • Blimey what an unflattering picture of a bump.
  • Ah, Mistress Beckham’s twin sister lookalike (aka. Tara P_T) in electric blue.
  • Thought Sam Cameron looked rather stylish, unlike Mrs Clegg’s hat.
  • I like Prince Felipe of Spain’s naval frock coat.

And these few from The British Monarchy‘s official photostream on Flickr …

Mmmmm, cake!

amusements

Auction Oddities

Our irregular selection of oddities and curiosities from the catalogues of our local auction rooms.

An old petrol can, oil can, a wooden beer tankard, and other items relating to Castrol incl. postcards, a key ring, and salt and pepper pots.

A silk opera hat.

Old artefacts, incl. magnifying glasses, penknives, record needles, a hip flask, a razor, a netsuke, etc.

An ornate Victorian EPNS butter dish frame, with cow finial, and some mixed cutlery.

It was the ‘cow finial’ that amused me.

A good George VI silver helmet milk jug and sugar bowl … in fitted case.

What is a helmet milk jug? Is the ‘milk jug and sugar bowl’ one piece of silver or two?

A glass display box, containing woodland birds including chaffinches.

An interesting mixed lot including carved nutcrackers in the form of an elk with glass eyes, a charming miniature picnic basket, composite doll, Royal Doulton vase, wooden handled corkscrew, papier-mâché Easter egg, clock, etc.

Somehow ‘nutcrackers’, ‘elk’ and ‘glass eyes’ don’t seem to go together!

A pair of Royal Doulton penguins on orange bases marked ‘Best Wishes’, a brightly coloured folksy figurine of Richard II, Cutty Sark ship in bottle, busts of Verdi and Moliere, Keats’ death mask, camera Kodak, Volle 620, royal commemorative ware, pewter ware, horse brasses, old razor, etc.

Penguins standing on oranges. The odd ideas some people have.

Two shelves containing Copeland porcelain soup plates, a quantity of Melba bone china Melba Rose tableware, mirrors, decorative plates, brassware, cast iron doorstop, dog pyjama vase, figurine of a brown bear … tribal carvings, etc.

WTF is a pyjama vase?

At this point I think the Welsh got the better of them …

Two Lladro humorous figures of chldrren (sic) in aeroplanes.

A large Royal Crown Derby figure of a Beefeater, holding a pike, mark in red, ‘Made exclusively for James Leather Ltd, London W1′.

I know what it means, but it does conjure up some strange imagery!

An early 20th century oak chimneypiece with elaborate carved decoration flanked by Corinthian columns, painted white.

A rocking donkey on a pine frame in brown woollen coat, and a small rocking elephant seat.

Why does the pine frame need a woollen coat?

amusements, arts

Still Crazy After All These Years

From time to time I go back and look at old Osbert Lancaster pocket cartoons. Lancaster was nothing if not prolific. He effectively invented the pocket cartoon in 1939 when he started drawing for the Daily Express (then a quality newspaper) for whom he drew some 10,000 cartoons — one a day, 6 days a week — over a period of 40 years. This was in addition to writing and/or illustrating many books and working as a stage designer.

Every few years from the early 1940s to the 1970s Lancaster published a selection of 60 or so recent cartoons in small pocket-sized volume. I’m lucky to have been able to collect most of them as they are still available at reasonable prices on the second-hand market.

Lancaster drew a pocket cartoon for the Daily Express every day, and as with Matt (currently in the Daily Telegraph) or the late lamented Calman (in The Times), each pocket cartoon had to be topical. Many insert a rapier to the heart of some current news story; indeed some are so sharp and pithy that you couldn’t publish them in these politically correct times. But what always surprises me is how topical many of Lancaster’s 50 year old cartoons remain. Here is a good example from Lancaster’s collection Tableaux Vivants published in 1955. Sadly the early volumes do not give the specific dates of each cartoon (the later volumes do), but this must have been originally published in the Daily Express some time in 1954 or 1955.

Could one publish this today. Yes, despite some howls of protest, it’s sufficiently anonymous and subtle one probably could. But whether one could get away with calling an Indian lady cartoon character Mrs Rajagojollibarmi I somewhat doubt. And although Lancaster was himself from the upper classes and built his cartoons around the fictional Earl of Littlehampton (Willie) and his wife Maudie Littlehampton, there are many cartoons of the lower orders as well.

Two of the other things I love so much about Lancaster’s cartoons are his ability to pick brilliant names and his attention to detail. For example he invents, inter alia, a chauffeur called Saddlesoap, a waiter (at a gentleman’s club) called Mousehole, an accountant called Whipsnade and peers (many agéd) called Stonehenge, Basingstoke and, of course, Littlehampton. He was also an inveterate observer of people, and had an esepcially keen eye for the heights (and depths) of ladies fashion. So he gets the details deliciously right every time. Here are just two examples:

Delightful!