Category Archives: personal

On Friendship and the Anthony Powell Society

Jilly, over at jillysheep, believes I blame her for changing my life — and she is right for it is she who introduced me to Anthony Powell, something which ultimately led to the formation of the Anthony Powell Society and why I have little time to call my own (I’m the Society’s Hon. Secretary).

Jilly has just given the Anthony Powell Society and this weblog a nice little puff. Just to complete the miniature picture she paints, here is my comment in reply:

Thanks for the puff, Jilly! Yes, you changed my life and by more than just introducing me to Powell, but maybe the rest shouldn’t be discussed here. 😉

The Anthony Powell Society also hosts an active email discussion list at groups.yahoo.com/group/aplist/ which is open to all. And some members of that list have started their own reading group which can be found at www.adancetothemusicoftime.com/readinggroup/ tho’ it hasn’t yet really got off the ground. Both are open access and everyone is welcome.

Thanks, Jilly! 🙂

Rules for Living Life

I recently came across a weblog posting by Jonathan Fields over at Awake at the Wheel where he suggests “Six timeless rules for my 6-year-old daughter“. Never having had children, let alone a six-year-old, I’m not going to discuss the merits or otherwise of Jonathan’s rules. But they set me thinking: What rules for life would I commend? And I came up with these seven.

  1. Change happens. The only thing which doesn’t change is something which is dead. We all change; it’s called life. Some change is good, some is bad; that’s called evolution. You can either fight change or go with it. Fighting it is destructive; you can’t stop change, so much better to go with it and see what opportunities are presented.
  2. Life isn’t fair; deal with it. Things aren’t always going to go your way, and neither should they. If they did we would never learn. There is nothing you can do about most of the unfairnesses and stupidities, so quit worrying about them and let them flow over you. Accept it when things don’t go your way, try to understand why, and move on.
  3. Live the now. Go for it; grasp opportunities when they’re offered. As my wife’s favourite aunt used to say: “I take my treats as they come.” That doesn’t mean you should always live for the here and now, and never plan ahead. Clearly there is a balance. But don’t shut yourself off from the present and from opportunities because you’re worrying about what might happen – it might not and you will have missed out!
  4. Trust your gut instinct, but consider the consequences of your actions. We all spend too much time thinking and worrying. Yes, we must be aware of the consequences of our actions – not to do so is selfish and would ultimately lead to anarchy (as well as violating rule 7). But don’t over-analyse. There comes a time, usually sooner rather than later, to make a decision. Go for it. Sometimes despite your head’s better judgement your gut instinct will say: “but that isn’t the right choice for me”, “it doesn’t feel right”, “I know it’s risky but that’s what I really have to do”. Trust your gut and your heart to make the right choice. If we only ever trusted our heads, we’d never fall in love!
  5. Learn; don’t regret. We can only ever make the best decision we can at the time with the information available. We usually don’t have enough information or we’ll make a wrong choice. There is no point looking back and regretting your decision, or worrying about what might have been; you can’t change the decision; you did the best you could at the time. Try to understand why your choice was not the best and move on. I always say I have no regrets; I admit there are things I have done which I should not have done and wouldn’t do again, but I hope I’ve learnt from them and that is valuable – so why should I regret having done them, except perhaps in as much as it hurt other people.
  6. Communicate. Probably the biggest cause of things going wrong or misunderstandings is a lack of communication. We always say that communication is the most important factor in any marriage/relationship; and it’s true. But it applies equally to everything we do. If you don’t communicate, how do others know what you think, what you’re going to do, or what you want them to do? And communication doesn’t mean just talk; it isn’t all one way: you outwards! It means listen as well; listen hard and properly to what is being said to you; make sure you understand it.
  7. Treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself. This is perhaps most important of all; if you can achieve this most of the rest will follow. It is the cornerstone of my personal management method (which I call “Ethical Management” although it’s really about getting the best from people – but that’s something for another day). It isn’t “do to others before they do unto you” as seems so common today. It is “do to others what you would like them to do to you”. If you treat other people fairly then the wheels will turn more easily. People are like wasps: they’re essentially good; respect them and they’ll respect you; they only get vindictive when you get snotty with them. Don’t just screw someone for your personal short-term gain. Don’t do things to gratuitously annoy someone. Try to understand the world through their eyes. Why are they in a grumpy mood? Sympathise – better empathise — with them. Understand that it isn’t they who made that error and try to help them to help you to put it right. The Dalai Lama’s word is compassion, meant in its broadest sense. Treat others with compassion.

I do try to live by these rules myself, although I have to admit I didn’t always; I’ve had to learn them for myself, the hard way. I don’t always succeed, but that’s part of learning: if you’re not failing occasionally then you’re not taking enough risks to move “the business” (whatever that is; read “life”?) forward.

I would commend these to anyone. OK maybe not in this form until that someone is in their teens, at least, but I’m sure they can be packaged in suitable words for people of any age.

Summer in England

How do you know it’s summer in England? No not because the sun is shining. Because it’s raining! It really is almost that predictable.

We’re on holiday for a couple of weeks at present; a badly needed break. Unfortunately we failed in our attempts to go away because we were unable to find anyone to feed the cats (none of our 3 cat feeders is available, nor is our local cattery; they’re all on holiday too!). So we’re staying home and trying to go out for days. But it’s raining! – nice steady summer rain which looks set for the day.

The two top things we want to do are go to London Zoo (I’ve not been since I was a child) and go to Kew Gardens. Both are largely outdoors. Which ain’t too much fun when it’s peeing down with rain. There are few things more miserable, in my mind, than being out for the day in the rain.

At least the rest of the week looks good. Meanwhile we’re at home doing a few odd jobs around the place and not much else.

Update, 1735 hrs. And it is still raining; don’t think it’s stopped all day! We’ve spent the day pottering about and clearing out all the old toot from our wardrobes.

Tower of Babel

The Tower of Babel by Pieter Brueghel the Elder (1563)

The other day for no apparent reason, I was reminded of this painting, which I had not seen for a while. I don’t now even remember what it was that triggered the memory. Anyway I had to go and find a reproduction of it on the web. And I thought I’d share it as for some reason it is one of those paintings which just works for me, and has an almost magical effect. I think it must be something to do with the intricacy, the detail, and also the lighting; both of which are characteristic of Brueghel’s work. Perhaps the lighting is especially what works for me, as 17th century Dutch sea paintings (eg. Cuyp and Vermeer) do much the same, as do the Norwich School of painters.

This Week's Meme: I Like to …

Here’s a meme which is currently doing the rounds; I’ve stolen it from Kellypuffs and little.red.boat. All you have to do is go to Google, type in “[your name] likes to” and then cut’n’paste the results. Ah, and add some explanation if you wish.

So apparently, Keith likes to …

… play tennis. False. I never did get tennis and the couple of times I’ve tried playing it I failed miserably. Squash, yes. Badminton, yes. But not tennis.

… take pictures. True. I’ve been taking photographs since my early teens, so about 45 years. And my photography is just as crap now as it was then, but I’m stupid enough to keep trying despite not having a single creative fibre in my body.

… shop. False. I dislike shopping. But I do like buying nice things and spending money.

… drink. True. I especially enjoy a few beers or a bottle of wine, but I’m not supposed to have it. And no I don’t binge drink and get legless — I did that once when I was a student; it was horrible.

… regale us with his inadequacies but has a surreptitious flair for survival. I’m probably guilty of this; I’ll let you judge.

… tinker around with home projects. False. I don’t tinker around with anything practical; I have 10 left thumbs. I’m also lazy.

… get in on the party. False. I’m not really a party animal, though as a student I always wanted to be.

… think of himself as a tyrant, but really he’s just a pussycat. I don’t know about the tyrant bit, I’m not aware of doing this. But yes, I’m a pussycat; anything for a quiet life; curl up in the duvet and sleep. 🙂

… play his ukulele. This is a euphemism, right? If so then I’m as guilty as any other red-blooded male.

… sit and enjoy peace and quiet. True. The only thing is I get restless and guilty because I’m “wasting time”.

… go running and fishing. False. I hate running; it’s boring and bad for the knees; I don’t do things I don’t enjoy. Fishing, unless one is doing it for food, seems unnecessarily cruel as well as boring.

… randomly strip naked. Guilty. But then I was brought up as a naturist.

… ski, sail and travel. False. I hated travel when I was younger, but I don’t mind it so much now. But I’m too sane to go skiing and I hate water so sailing is out.

… plan ahead. Always. That’s why I work as a project manager. Remember the 5 Ps: Perfect planning prevents pathetic performance.

… build models. False. I keep telling you I have 10 left thumbs.

I’ll tag anyone who is daft enough to play this silly game! 🙂

One Word Meme

This meme has managed to insinuate its way into here, so I’d better respond to it.

There’s only one rule: you get only one word.

Yourself: Depressed
Your Partner: Sexy
Your Hair: Greying
Your Mother: Ninety-Two
Your Father: Dead
Your Favorite Item: Camera
Your Dream Last Night: Anxiety
Your Favorite Drink: Beer
Your Dream Car: None
Your Dream Home: Tidy
The Room You Are In: Study
Your Fear: Poverty
Where Do You Want To Be In 10 Years: Retired
Who You Hung Out With Last: Friends
What You’re Not: Fit
Muffins: Mules
One of Your Wish List Items: Japan
Time: Midday
Last Thing You Did: Email
What Are You Wearing: Nothing
Your Favorite Weather: Sunshine
Your Favorite Book: Dance
Last Thing You Ate: Tablets
Your Mood: Lazy
Your Best Friends: Local
What Are You Thinking About Right Now: Sleep
Your Car: None
Your Summer: Seaside
What’s on your TV: Politics
What is your weather like: Raining
When Is the Last Time You Laughed: Yesterday
Your Relationship Status: Happy

Feel free to allow this to insinuate its way into your mind/weblog as well. 🙂

The Seven Deadly Sins of a Relationship

What follow appeared under this title on the Zen Habits weblog a couple of days ago. And as it is of fundamental importance, and Leo makes all this posts available for reuse without restriction, I am reproducing it here unedited. though you’ll have to visit Zen Habits to read the comments which are also interesting. And if you like this, take a look at the rest of Zen Habits: there’s wisdom in them there words.

While I can’t claim to be the world’s foremost expert on relationships, I do know that my wife and I have a very strong marriage, and have never been more in love.

I’ve failed at marriage before, but that’s helped me become better at it. I’ve learned the deadly sins of relationships, and how to recognize them and avoid them.

A reader, newly married, asked me to share my tips on how to make a marriage work. I wish I had a magic formula, but here’s a simple list of tips:

  • spend time alone together;
  • appreciate each other;
  • be intimate often;
  • talk and share and give.

But just as important as what you should do is what you shouldn’t do – and I’m sure many of you have stepped into these pitfalls yourselves. I know I have. I’ve learned from my mistakes, and have learned to recognize when I’m making a fatal error, and how to correct it.

If you can avoid these seven things, and focus instead on doing the four things above, you should have a strong relationship. I’m not going to guarantee anything, but I’d give you good odds. 🙂

  1. Resentment. This is a poison that starts as something small (“He didn’t get a new roll of toilet paper” or “She doesn’t wash her dishes after she eats”) and builds up into something big. Resentment is dangerous because it often flies under our radar, so that we don’t even notice we have the resentment, and our partner doesn’t realize that there’s anything wrong. If you ever notice yourself having resentment, you need to address this immediately, before it gets worse. Cut it off while it’s small. There are two good ways to deal with resentment: 1) breathe, and just let it go – accept your partner for who she/he is, faults and all; none of us is perfect; or 2) talk to your partner about it if you cannot accept it, and try to come up with a solution that works for both of you (not just for you); try to talk to them in a non-confrontational way, but in a way that expresses how you feel without being accusatory.
  2. Jealousy. It’s hard to control jealousy if you feel it, I know. It seems to happen by itself, out of our control, unbidden and unwanted. However, jealousy, like resentment, is relationship poison. A little jealousy is fine, but when it gets to a certain level it turns into a need to control your partner, and turns into unnecessary fights, and makes both parties unhappy. If you have problems with jealousy (like I once did), instead of trying to control them it’s important that you examine and deal with the root issue, which is usually insecurity. That insecurity might be tied to your childhood (abandonment by a parent, for example), in a past relationship where you got hurt, or in an incident or incidents in the past of your current relationship.
  3. Unrealistic expectations. Often we have an idea of what our partner should be like. We might expect them to clean up after themselves, to be considerate, to always think of us first, to surprise us, to support us, to always have a smile, to work hard and not be lazy. Not necessarily these expectations, but almost always we have expectations of our partner. Having some expectations is fine – we should expect our partner to be faithful, for example. But sometimes, without realizing it ourselves, we have expectations that are too high to meet. Our partner isn’t perfect – no one is. We can’t expect them to be cheerful and loving every minute of the day – everyone has their moods. We can’t expect them to always think of us, as they will obviously think of themselves or others sometimes too. We can’t expect them to be exactly as we are, as everyone is different. High expectations lead to disappointment and frustration, especially if we do not communicate these expectations. How can we expect our partner to meet these expectations if they don’t know about them? The remedy is to lower your expectations – allow your partner to be himself/herself, and accept and love them for that. What basic expectations we do have, we must communicate clearly.
  4. Not making time. This is a problem with couples who have kids, but also with other couples who get caught up in work or hobbies or friends and family or other passions. Couples who don’t spend time alone together will drift apart. And while spending time together when you’re with the kids or other friends and family is a good thing, it’s important that you have time alone together. Can’t find time with all the things you have going on – work and kids and all the other stuff? Make time. Seriously – make the time. It can be done. I do it – I just make sure that this time with my wife is a priority, and I’ll drop just about anything else to make the time. Get a babysitter, drop a couple commitments, put off work for a day, and go on a date. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date – some time in nature, or exercising together, or watching a DVD and having a home-cooked dinner, are all good options. And when you’re together, make an effort to connect, not just be together.
  5. Lack of communication. This sin affects all the others on this list – it’s been said many times before, but it’s true: good communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship. If you have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow. If you are jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities. If you have expectations of your partner, you must communicate them. If there are any problems whatsoever, you must communicate them and work them out. Communication doesn’t just mean talking or arguing – good communication is honest without being attacking or blaming. Communicate your feelings – being hurt, frustrated, sorry, scared, sad, happy – rather than criticizing. Communicate a desire to work out a solution that works for you both, a compromise, rather than a need for the other person to change. And communicate more than just problems – communicate the good things too (see below for more).
  6. Not showing gratitude. Sometimes there are no real problems in a relationship, such as resentment or jealousy or unrealistic expectations – but there is also no expression of the good things about your partner either. This lack of gratitude and appreciation is just as bad as the problems, because without it your partner will feel like he or she is being taken for granted. Every person wants to be appreciated for all they do. And while you might have some problems with what your partner does (see above), you should also realize that your partner does good things too. Does she wash your dishes or cook you something you like? Does he clean up after you or support you in your job? Take the time to say thank you, and give a hug and kiss. This little expression can go a long way.
  7. Lack of affection. Similarly, everything else can be going right, including the expression of gratitude, but if there is no affection among partners then there is serious trouble. In effect, the relationship is drifting towards a platonic status. That might be better than many relationships that have serious problems, but it’s not a good thing. Affection is important – everyone needs some of it, especially from someone we love. Take the time,
    every single day, to give affection to your partner. Greet her when she comes home from work with a tight hug. Wake him up with a passionate kiss (who cares about morning breath!). Sneak up behind her and kiss her on the neck. Make out in the movie theater like teenagers. Caress his back and neck while watching TV. Smile at her often.
  8. Bonus sin: Stubbornness. This wasn’t on my original list but I just thought about it before publishing this post, and had to add it in. Every relationship will have problems and arguments – but it’s important that you learn to work out these problems after cooling down a bit. Unfortunately, many of us are too stubborn to even talk about things. Perhaps we always want to be right. Perhaps we never want to admit that we made a mistake. Perhaps we don’t like to say we’re sorry. Perhaps we don’t like to compromise. I’ve done all of these things – but I’ve learned over the years that this is just childish. When I find myself being stubborn these days, I try to get over this childishness and suck it up and put away my ego and say I’m sorry. Talk about the problem and work it out. Don’t be afraid to be the first one to apologize. Then move past it to better things.

Allow me to add a couple of observations from my own experience.

  1. If you have a row, and you will, we all do … never go to sleep without having made up, even if that means respecting each other’s position and agreeing to differ. Sleeping with an unresolved grievance is the first step on the road to resentment.
  2. Sleep together! It sounds daft but unless you have a very good reason (like a medical condition), share a bed. In my opinion it it much easier to maintain a good relationship if you share your sleeping. How much better to be able to snuggle up to each other on cold winter nights?! Sharing a bed breeds affection and hopefully much more. And a good, large bed, with a comfortable, new mattress every few years, is a sound investment!
  3. Lastly, and as Leo implies, the most critical thing of all: communicate, communicate, communicate. Keep talking! But maybe more importantly, keep listening to your partner. Relationships in which there is little or no communication go in only one direction: downwards! – exactly the opposite way to the way we want to go.

There’s more on relationships on my Zen Mischief website.