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August Self-Portrait
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Tag Archives: personal
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A Brief Note on Sexuality
Over on Substack there’s an interesting piece on sexuality from Walking Mermaid:
It’s a long, and rather repetitive, read but worthwhile if only to see how it is possible to approach sexuality and personal freedom despite the constraints of society’s expectations.
A few quick extracts to give the flavour …
… I would want the world to be naked … like, clothes should be optional, but largely people should just be comfortable being naked and just be naked everywhere.
… open conversations about sex are incredibly important. We treat discussions about desire, fantasy, and intimacy as if they are dangerous or inappropriate, yet these experiences are among the most universal aspects of being human … talking about sex should be as ordinary as talking about food, art, or travel. Not because sex is trivial, but because it is normal.
… many of the fears and judgments surrounding sexuality come from silence. The more openly and respectfully we talk about these subjects, the easier it becomes for people to understand themselves and others without shame.
We do not limit our capacity to love friends, family members, or children, so why do we assume there is only one acceptable way to experience romantic love? For me, the foundation of any relationship is trust and transparency. Secrets create shame. Openness creates freedom.
… sexuality is a part of your whole being … And to me, sex is a form of connection rather than, I’m horny tonight, so let’s have penetrative intercourse.
When I see a naked body, I do not immediately see something sexual. I see humanity. I see vulnerability. I see life. That perspective has influenced my work, my photography, and my willingness to be seen authentically. Some of my favourite creative projects have involved exploring the body not as an object, but as an honest expression of self.
I see in this an extension of what one of my university friends (a straightforward, thoughtful, heterosexual guy – not an early-1970s hippie/weirdo) believed: that sex could be just an expression of sincere friendship, like a good hug. It didn’t have to have deeper connotations.
As regular readers will know, I’m very liberal and open-minded – the result of a somewhat bohemian upbringing and being a student in the late-1960s/early-1970s – so all of this reflects very much both how I feel intellectually and how I act. Although sadly, in practical terms, I think my brain has never quite caught up. But it’s still trying, even at 75. Life is nothing if we don’t keep questioning and trying to make progress.
But how do we get the rest of humanity to start thinking so openly?
Unblogged July
A little later than usual … A few things which happened, accosted me, or are noteworthy and which I didn’t otherwise write about this month. And it has been quite a month!
Wednesday 1
Blimey, what a day! At the doctors for blood test and to see our (new) young GP. She decides she doesn’t like the look of my swollen leg, which hasn’t responded to the antibiotics and insists I go to the Infectious Diseases unit at the hospital. That afternoon! Thus totally screwing up the whole day. Hospital nurses and young female consultant very helpful. Doctor prescribes short course of stronger antibiotics, and I’m given them on the spot. We’ll see.
Thursday 2
Why is it that hospital departments cannot talk to each other? So today I get a text telling me to come and pick up my prescription from the hospital pharmacy. I ring them, and they are totally unaware that I was given the antibiotics yesterday, and don’t understand (neither do I) why they’ve been asked to dispense them. In fact the consultant yesterday prescribed a 5 day course of antibiotics, and they then gave me a pack sufficient for 14 days! Meanwhile I spent the whole day catching up on what I needed to do yesterday.
Friday 3
What day is it? As usual my brain thinks it’s Saturday, or Sunday. Help!!!
Sunday 5
What a weekend! I spent all Saturday afternoon and half of Sunday afternoon beating up my brain over sorting all our bank accounts and last year’s interest ready to complete our tax returns. It was partly my fault as my records for the last tax year were nowhere near as good as I thought they were (or as my records usually are). But do I have tax statements from all the banks? Of course not, so you have to dig back through the statements. It’s made even worse because with accounts which mature and which you “renew” some banks keep the existing account number, but others give you a new number. Very confusing. We’ll see how well I have it sorted when I get to complete the tax returns.
Tuesday 7
Phew! Another hot day and a trip to the osteopath. I was, for once, so grateful that the car had good aircon.
Wednesday 8
The gardener cometh, and he spent most of the afternoon working out how to get the drawers out of my filing cabinet/desk drawers (no, it wasn’t a simple pull out and lift!) to remove all the crap that had gone down the back.
Thursday 9
After a semi-successful audiology appointment at lunchtime I spend a “happy” afternoon sorting out the contents of my desk drawers and putting things back. I probably got about two-thirds of the way through; the rest will have to wait until tomorrow. And that’s without even thinking about weeding the paper files. Why is such an apparently easy, sitting down, job is so exhausting?
Sunday 12
Totally lost today. Got up very late and the day ran away from there. Had to make myself do some literary society work this afternoon, but found it very hard to concentrate. No brain power; no body power; everything taking extra effort.
Monday 13
Useful, if unofficial, chat with one of the nurses at the doctors’ when I was there for an ECG. A quiet suggestion that I take the rest of the antibiotics I was given by the hospital for my ankle.
Tuesday 14
I had to smile at lunchtime, on the way to the hospital with N for her appointment … there were quite a few teenage nubiles coming out of Cardinal Wiseman School, wearing crop tops and the skimpiest and tightest shorts possible. And why not; it was a hot sunny day. It gladdened the heart! 😉
Wednesday 15
The day started well, with an outing with friends for brunch. From there it went rapidly downhill with GP panicking because she doesn’t like the ECG I had on Monday and demanding that I go to A&E at once to get assessed. We set off about 18:30 and got back home at 02:00. Of course 90% of that time was spent sitting about waiting between more ECGs, blood tests, x-rays and a very thorough examination. Finally sent home with a referral for follow-up, which will decide if I need more investigations. Fortunately N had heroically volunteered to accompany me, which did make things rather more bearable for both of us; it also saved me from the dreaded football.
Thursday 16
Luckily halfway through last evening I managed to text my osteopath and cancel my appointment for this morning. Well at that point I could quite see them keeping me in hospital. Despite getting that time back I’ve spent the whole day chasing my tail trying to catch up – and I still haven’t; I’ve just about got back to where I should have been last evening. And now I’m fairly tired having had only 4-5 hours sleep last night.
Saturday 18
This evening N caught a Jersey Tiger moth in the kitchen. We released it, unharmed, without stopping to take a photo as it wasn’t going to sit still and food was ready. Tom had reported seeing one in the garden yesterday. They are brilliant moths, see my blog entry from 2020; also this from 2016. They’re such striking, gorgeous moths!
Monday 20
Trip to the osteopath this morning, and I had one of the cab drivers I’ve not seen for some weeks. He turned up in a Tesla, which turned out to be a hire car as some female had driven up the back of his usual car (an electric Kia), and the garage has had it for a month. He’s well fed up about it; but hopefully someone else’s insurance is paying for it. The Tesla was a nice smooth ride, but I’m not sure I like the design.
Tuesday 21
Another hospital trip following on from last Wednesday. Another ECG, more blood tests, and more sitting about for very little. End result a referral for an echo cardiogram and consultant referral – fortunately not urgent as wait is likely to be 8 weeks plus. Another complete day lost. Left home at 10:00; back at home about 15:30. I just had to console myself with an ice cream. 😄
Thursday 23
Well I don’t recall seeing that before, although I shouldn’t be surprised. Coming back today from yet another hospital visit (this time for my back), the van in front of us displayed signage “ABNORMAL LOAD ESCORT”. It diverted off towards our local HS2 construction site, where they’re starting and stopping some of the massive tunnelling machines. One wonders what they’re about to move.
Saturday 25
At last, after a hiatus, I completed the next board of Postcrossing cards: that’s numbers 601-650. Somehow I must find some time to get round to sending some more cards.
Sunday 26
Sunday is a day of rest, is it? Not here. I spent the morning preparing for tomorrow’s literary society meeting in central London, and most of the afternoon completing our tax returns. HMRC are real buggers: they reckon we earn too much and are taking our Winter Fuel payments away, on top of which they not only want the outstanding tax for last year paid, but they want a huge chunk of next year’s tax paid in advance – a significant four-figure sum. As N always says “You can be taxed, fleeced, or robbed – and probably all three”. But both our tax returns completed in a couple of hours as I already had all the data ready and it was not a lot more than updating last year’s returns and carefully checking it. Result!
Monday 27
It was nice to get out today, even if it was into central London. A good, very useful meeting at the V&A (in the café) with literary society people. It over a year since I’ve been in central London (and several years before that); apart from an ever increasing number of huge tower blocks on the periphery, not a lot changes. But disappointingly, despite schools and universities being out for summer, and a hot sunny day, there was a remarkable lack of scantily clad nubile in evidence.
Tuesday 28
Yesterday, going into central London by car, I took my proper camera; I need to get back to taking photographs and get my eye back in. I find seeing and taking grab shots from the passenger seat is quite a good way of doing this. Overall yesterday’s car rides weren’t very exciting for this, but I still managed to take about 60 shots, which today I edited down to 14 possibly worth keeping. Enjoy these two, both taken through the car windscreen (hence some of the misty reflections).
Friday 31
The first ripe yellow chilli of the year!
July Self-Portrait
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Unblogged June
Some things, and thoughts, from June which I didn’t otherwise write about.
Monday 1
Looking at the trail camera shots for the last week I noticed that one of our (at least three) foxes has a striped tail. It was very noticeable side on at a distance, but less so when I saw the fox walking away from the camera. Sadly no useful image as it was low light and a low-res camera.
Tuesday 2
This afternoon we had not one, but two big thunderstorms. The first (about 14:30) was the larger and longer with some really torrential rain. It then drizzled on and off all afternoon until the second storm arrived about 17:00. Then it cleared to leave a nice sunny evening.
Thursday 4
A couple of evenings ago, there was a wonderful fire-breathing dragon in the western sky.
Not a brilliant photo as it was a grab shot, through the window with my phone – and a few minutes earlier the cloud had been less linear and more dragon-like.
Sunday 7
What a dismal day. Grey, windy and should have been raining. Inside I felt completely drained, stressed and depressed. Everything enlivened slightly by an evening meal of steak and chips with a bottle of Champagne.
Monday 8
Phew! We’re solvent again this month.
Friday 12
Spent the last few days fighting off an attack of vertigo. Not the worst attack I’ve had, but enough to stop me doing much.
Monday 15
Still trying to get rid of the last vestiges of the vertigo; it’s left me really drained. Meanwhile Boy Cat had the right idea this morning lying in a sunbeam.
Thursday 18
So yesterday I felt fine; vertigo gone away. Awoke this morning with it back with a vengeance; much worse than last week and ended up horizontal for the majority of the day. So now have a call out with the doctors.
Friday 19
Head feeling a bit better. Weather feeling uncomfortably hot and sticky.
Sunday 21
I’m surprised we haven’t got local Ice Cream Van Wars. We have at least three which seem to tour the locality, each with a more irritating jingle than the last. But they never seem to coincide; maybe they have a rota worked out. (Unless, of course, it is one van with three different jingles.)
Monday 22
So Starmer has chickened out of being PM. Idiot. See my blog post for more thoughts.
Tuesday 23
Blimey, I was woken just after 3 this morning by an epic thunderstorm. Lots of very bright lightening, and massive rolls of thunder, although none right overhead. This went on for at least an hour as I dropped off to sleep again about 4. Heaven knows how much rain we had with it. And then today has been relentlessly hot and humid; so uncomfortable.
Wednesday 24
Record breaking temperatures: the UK’s hottest ever June day. Unbearable.
Thursday 25
It hasn’t felt quite so unbearably hot today, possibly because there’s been a nice breeze all day. It’s just as humid and sticky though. And again record breaking temperatures.
Friday 26
The supermarket have cancelled our weekly delivery today. They say they’ve had “system problems”, whatever that means. I’ve put the order in again for Sunday morning, but had to do an expensive “top up” delivery from the local store – which took them forever to organise. And it all wasted the whole morning. Still at least the supermarket have had the grace to give us £10 off our next order; 20% would have been better compensation.
Saturday 27
The buddleia is in full bloom for several days – so early! – and not a butterfly in sight.
Sunday 28
Phew! Well at least today has been significantly cooler – it’s still warm, but just comfortably summer hot, rather than desert hot. And there’s been a good “seaside” breeze for most of the day. Actually not a bad day to play cricket, although some bowlers wouldn’t have relished the breeze.
In other news, customer services at the supermarket got a fairly snotty email today (not that it will do any good). Our rebooked delivery was scheduled for 11:00-12:00 and finally arrived something after 13:00 with a driver who couldn’t have been less interested and engaged with his job. They’ve not had an impressive weekend.
Monday 29
Out yonder we have a small mulberry bush in a tub and today, for the first time after several years, we had a handful of small black mulberries. There really weren’t enough to do anything with, so I put them in a mixed fruit salad with some raspberries and blueberries (plus a little sugar and a tot of peach schnapps). They worked well and added a little something to the other fruit, although I’d be had pressed to describe the actual taste of the mulberries. Mind you, they don’t half stain; it’s taken several good washes to even start getting the purple dye off the fingers.
Tuesday 30
Yesterday I found myself wearing a pair of shorts almost all day. Yeah, so what? Well it was the first time for a week that I have worn any clothes at all because it has been so hot – except for a couple of hours on Saturday and Sunday when I knew I was likely to have to go to the door. At most times I had a pair of shorts to hand in case the doorbell rang. It’s summer, it’s hot, and I’m always warm (I have a good covering of blubber!), and our house is naturally warm. So why wear clothes? Why not be like this all the time? Oh wait, I do; even in the depths of winter I seldom wear more than a pair of legs and a t-shirt around the house and at this time of year it is at most a pair of shorts. As regular readers will know I can’t be doing with all this fuss about nudity and the like. We all know what’s under each other’s t-shirt and jeans, so really where is the problem. There is no legal prohibition on nudity, either in private or in public, unless one is deliberately causing someone else harassment, alarm or distress, or performing a sexual act – all of which is enshrined in Police and CPS guidance. So be comfortable. Go attired or not as you wish.
June Self-Portrait
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May Self-Portrait
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April Self-Portrait
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Unblogged March
Some things from this month that I didn’t write about before.
Sunday 1
Very pleasant Sunday lunch with friends, including plenty of wine. Must repeat more often.
Tuesday 3
It was one of those days.
Thursday 5
Today my father would have been 106. It was warm and sunny, and I felt relaxed for once. It was nice to be able to go out in sandals and t-shirt and not get frozen.
Friday 6
After a lovely day yesterday, it was dull and rainy today. But then it is only early March. Although things are beginning to move. In the last few days I’ve seen the squirrel(s) going determinedly in and out of the drey in the top of our oldest silver birch – it was started last year by the magpies and the squirrels have taken it over and made a des res.
Also this morning there were two crows in the top of the far silver birch, tearing twigs off it – so they’re obviously nesting somewhere nearby.
Monday 9
So they’re going to completely close the A40 Westway between White City and Marylebone for 6 weeks: late March to end April. That’s our only sensible car route into central London. It will be chaos and the traffic will be a nightmare across the whole of west London. Fortunately I’m not committed to any hospital appointments or the like in central London in that period; just a Saturday pub meet.
Wednesday 11
I hosted another good literary society Zoom talk this evening. We do always seem to get a good number attending and some interesting talks. Now I just need to wind down and recover my stamina for next week, which is full (and I mean full) of meetings and medical appointments.
Thursday 12
You go to the osteopath and you come home with your arm taped together with zombies.
The tape is intended to take some of the strain off the tendons in my damaged wrist.
Friday 13
Blimey, that was a marathon! Packing orders for the literary society took both of us all afternoon, and the job still isn’t finished – I still have some of the postage and all the finance logs to complete. It doesn’t help that Royal Mail’s website is a complete nightmare to use; totally unfriendly and unresponsive so you end up doing things by the backdoor just to get the job done. And by tomorrow there will no doubt be more to do.
Sunday 15
Why are hearing aid batteries such a pain – apart from being such small fiddly things? This morning I had to put new batteries in my hearing aids as they’d died late yesterday. It took 8 batteries before I got two that worked for more than 10 minutes. It doesn’t seem to matter whether I buy better quality branded batteries, or use the cheap ones provided by the NHS. Yes, the batteries are always in date; I always clean new batteries to degrease them, don’t handle then with sticky fingers, and try to ensure the contacts are clean. Even so it is almost a certainty that at least one of a new pair will be effectively dead on arrival – but eight is I think a record. OK they cost only 20p-25p each, but it is such a waste, and a pain.
Monday 16
What a super view of the Kew Gardens Pagoda across Old Deer Park.
Wednesday 18
A glorious day. Wall-to-wall sunshine; blue sky; and warm. A trip up to central London for a routine hospital check-up, with all the cherries and magnolias in full bloom, and all the trees starting to break into leaf. Absolutely delightful.
Thursday 19
Hot water? We have none. Error code on the boiler. Boiler man supposed to come this afternoon; now coming tomorrow afternoon, allegedly. Well it was a good excuse to cancel my hospital appointment that I didn’t want to go to anyway and get a load of odd jobs (like filing) done.
Friday 20
Yes, the boiler man did come. He fixed the boiler (it sounded like a dead sensor) and did a service. It took about an hour. Then he emptied my wallet.
Saturday 21
Another glorious Spring day. And a really good doctor’s patient group meeting to go with it. Marred only by news that one of our members had died, although he was well over 80 and hadn’t been well for a couple of years.
Sunday 22
This orchid has been amazing. I bought it on 28 November from our local flower shop; it was in full flower with two or three unopened buds. It is still in full flower having opened those buds and dropped maybe four flowers. I know these phalaenopsis orchids normally flower for about six weeks but this is over 16 weeks with even more to come! Just incredible!
Monday 23
This morning there was one very secure and relaxed Boy Cat!
Wednesday 25
Sitting over lunch I realised just how well off we are for breeding wildlife. Just over lunch we had a pair of coal tits, a pair of great tits, and a solitary blue tit – three species of tit which are likely nesting within 100m or so. Add to that we have a pair of robins, a pair of woodpigeons and a pair of collared doves which must also be nesting close by; likewise the magpies. Some, at least will e nesting in the rampant ivy cover growing up our hawthorn and one of our silver birches. In addition we have at least a pair of squirrels with a drey in the top of the silver birch (see earlier). Plus our local foxes; and who knows where they have their den. And that’s what we know about; there’s likely more.
I’ve also seen a report today that the peregrines nesting on Ealing Hospital (so maybe 5.5km away) now have four eggs; which likely means they’ll fledge one, two if they’re lucky.
Friday 27
Yes! Much to my surprise and delight we got some early English asparagus in today’s supermarket delivery. OK, so it will doubtless have been grown in polytunnels as it’s almost a month before the real season kicks off. But I’ll accept that for English asparagus, as it is the only type we’ll buy (it’s fresher and hasn’t been shipped across the world). So hopefully lots of good asparagus for the next three months or so.
Tuesday 31
After a hiatus earlier in the year (see earlier posts) in the last few days I’ve finally completed the next board of 50 Postcrossing cards (numbers 501 to 550). It’s as eccentric as usual!
Unblogged January
Here begins this year’s series of “Unblogged” posts, being notes of things I didn’t otherwise write about.
Thursday 1
Why is there an empty Champagne bottle by the bed? And an empty crisp packet?
Was it just me or were London’s New Year fireworks particularly dull and uninspired this year? They’re usually much more varied and colourful.
Why is New Year’s Day always dull and grey, even if the previous day was bright sunshine?
Friday 2
Endless paperwork and admin, day 2. New Year is such a pain like this.
Saturday 3
Endless paperwork and admin, day 3.
Sunday 4
What a wonderful bright full moon in the western sky at 05:00, with Jupiter shining brightly below it. No sign of Quadrantid meteors though, but really needed to be looking NE rather than W.
Monday 5
Hi-ho! Hi-ho! It’s off to work you go. Not so fast. You can if you want to but this one’s not playing. If only because struggling for motivation.
Tuesday 6
Snee. Not a lot first thing in the morning and all gone by lunchtime. Then very wet overnight.
Wednesday 7
I don’t want to be here: depressed, anxious, stressed and panicking. Surprising? No, not with N in hospital.
Thursday 8
Despite everything I slept really well last night – right through from 00:30 to 07:00, then to 08:30 when the radio came on. A tot of Armagnac last thing certainly helped.
Sunday 11
Yes, it’s my birthday. But it is not a happy one with N in intensive care and the medics scratching their heads over the cause. Not conducive to jollity.
Monday 12
Better news today. N much improved though still in ICU. At least when visited she was awake and conversing, although not totally cogently. Medics still scratching their heads though.
Tuesday 13
It’s been raining here fairly solidly for days. Boy Cat has just come in and left a wonderful trail of muddy pawmarks across my desk. He now wants his tea, for which he’s two hours late.
Wednesday 14
N now on a general ward, and seems to be improving slowly.
Thursday 15
Another soaking wet day; really horrible. I still don’t understand cat feet. How can they come in, walk across the kitchen and hall, up the stairs, across the landing and bedroom (all carpeted except the kitchen) and still have wet muddy feet when they arrive on the bed?
Tuesday 20
After two weeks, N has been let out of hospital. S&Z very kindly went and picked her up at teatime. She’s obviously glad to be home, even if still feeling fragile. It’s been a tough couple of weeks (for both of us) and it isn’t over yet (if it ever will be). All our friends have been incredibly helpful and supportive in all sorts of ways. So thank you to you all (you know who you are!).
Wednesday 21
Biblical rain. All day. There’s a lake in the back garden large enough to float Noah’s Ark.
Thursday 22
Gorgeous crescent moon on it’s back in the western sky this evening – through gaps in the cloud.
Friday 23
We now have a handrail on the stairs, although a couple of sections to be completed.
Sunday 25
It’s a marsh.
Tuesday 27
That was an incredibly fast cash machine. Everything processed like lightning; three times the speed of most that I use.
Saturday 31
Well Spring must be here! Suddenly our lawn is a sea of pale mauve crocuses. Sorry no photo as I don’t fancy lying on the marsh masquerading as the lawn.