“We was robbed!”
“Oh no you weren’t.”
“Oh yes we was.”
“Behind you!”

So Russia, not England, is to stage the 2018 Soccer World Cup. Thank <insert deity of choice> for that.

How can we seriously want to host these appalling international competitions?

First off, I thought we didn’t have any money left. In 2018 we’ll still be reeling from the mountainous debt run up by the last government and the money being spent on the 2012 London Olympics – which is what, four times over the original budget with almost 2 years yet to go? Especially as we seem to be totally unable to deliver these projects anywhere near the original budget even if we do manage to just about deliver them on time.

If,as is always said, we produce such fantastic bids, why don’t we win them? Are our bids really so good? Do the decision-makers actually understand our inability to deliver? Or is it that we don’t pay the decision-makers big enough bribes? – Oh no, sorry of course it can’t be that. Or maybe it’s because in our heart of hearts we don’t actually believe that we can win the bidding (despite all the bullish talk), and of course this will subtly transmit itself to the decision-makers.

Do we even put the right people up to front the bid. Who did we have this time: Prince William, David Cameron and David Beckham. None of them have probably ever had to give a business sales presentation in their lives. No, political speeches don’t count. If we really want to win these bids shouldn’t we be paying an experienced, hard-hitting salesman to present out front? Someone who can not only talk the talk but also walk the walk and get the project delivered on time. Someone who can really understand what is driving the key decision-makers and sell to their predilections. Someone who will really “establish the need” (for our solution) in the minds of the decision-makers and lead them to choosing the solution which satisfies that need (ie. ours). I bet we never think of doing this, yet it is standard sales practice. You need these bids fronted by someone who can do all this and has some charisma. Someone like the late John Harvey-Jones or Sir Stuart Rose or maybe even the beatified Richard Branson. Petty princes, preoccupied politicians and pansy footballers who’ve never had to sell anything to earn their bread and butter in their lives just won’t cut the mustard.

Besides why would we even want to do any of this? Why do we insist on trying to play the games of self-serving organisations like FIFA, the ICC and the IOC, loaded as they are with self-pompous stuffed shirts who care nothing for their so-called sports, everything for their own grandeur and their bank accounts? They’re all self-perpetuating oligarchies of the self-important, pompous and inept.

So let’s rejoice that this circus isn’t coming to England. And just think of the money we’ll be saving! “My life, already.”