It’s a pretty safe conclusion that most people we come across (and likely many we don’t) think Noreen and I are Barking — if not a few stations beyond. And, in their world view, they’re probably correct. Because over the years we have come to the conclusion that we’re really not like other people. We’re eccentric — barring that we don’t walk the streets wearing silly hats or clown outfits. Just compare our modus vivendi with that of most “normal” people:

• We don’t have children. We actually made a conscious decision not to!
• Neither of us drives a car. Indeed neither of us has even learnt to drive. But it doesn’t stop us being where we want/need to be.
• We read books; difficult books. We thirst for the knowledge they contain.
• Consequently we have a house full of books, and we’ve read most of them!
• We were taught the basics at school, and taught them so well we remember them.
• We believe what we think is right, not what the tabloid press tell us we should.
• We passionately believe in freedom of speech. We may not agree with you, but we will defend to the death your right to hold and express your views however uncomfortable they may be.
• We don’t have a mortgage. We did have one and we paid it off as soon as we could (like about 7 years early!).
• Neither do we have a bank loan or an overdraft.
• And we pay off our credit card bills in full every month.
• We live in a small terraced house in an unfashionable area of London. We could afford something more prestigious (bigger and in a better area) but we don’t need it so why move?
• We both went to university and have post-graduate qualifications.
• We were taught to think — and we do!
• We don’t wear clothes of any sort in bed and haven’t since we were students and left home.
• We walk naked around the house and even sometimes in the garden. We only don’t do it more because we know it would frighten the horses neighbours. And that’s unfair on them, poor souls.
• We sleep together, in the same bed; we think this is part of what a relationship is all about.
• We talk to each other; about meaningful things like history, literature and science.
• We value money. We didn’t have any as kids. We (try to) look after it now.
• We don’t have a bath or a shower every day. It isn’t necessary. We have a good wash every day and a shower a couple of times a week or if we’ve been getting mucky/sweaty. Think how much water we save!
• We don’t generally take foreign holidays and we don’t fly off places for leisure. (And now we’re retired we don’t have to fly on business.)
• We like this country. It is our heritage. It is rich and fascinating. Even if it could be better.
• We were brought up to take an interest in things around us: history, nature, architecture. And we still do.
• We acquire knowledge. On average we two do as well at University Challenge (“an upmarket TV quiz show, M’lud”) as the student teams of four do.
• We use unusual words, not to sound poncy but because they have specific meanings. Words like: vespiary, peripatetic, antepenultimate, vermifuge, analgesic and decimate.
• We don’t buy new stuff if we don’t need it. If it’s sensible we get things repaired rather than throwing them away at no provocation and buying new.
• On the other hand we know when not to waste time on something which is life-expired and buy a new one.
• We don’t have net curtains. We like daylight and sunshine.
• We open our windows — to let in the fresh air and the birdsong.
• We watch very little television. We never watch soap operas, films, dramas, docudrama, game shows. We watch programmes to be informed, not as an opiate substitute.
• We don’t play golf.
• We don’t follow fashion. We wear what we find comfortable. And we don’t buy new clothes twice a year because the fashion colours have changed.
• We don’t give a toss what the neighbours think although we try not to gratuitously upset them.
• We try to live by two mottoes: “if it harm none, do as you will” and “treat others as you would like them to treat you”.
• Above all, we’re our own people.

Huh!? You mean you still think we’re sane? Oh, bugger!