All human beings, not a favoured few, have an equal claim to happiness.
[Hector Hawton]
Category Archives: amusements
The Village. VII.
The Village – A Story in Eight Pieces
VII. More Village People
First there is Alice, whose surname is King,
her husband is Bert, who can mend any thing.
Clive is the one who tends to our hair,
He’s living with Dana, exceedingly fair.
Starchy is Ellie, she’s really a prude,
While Fanny relaxes, sunbathing nude.
Gary and Greg live as husband and wife,
And then there is Hannah, the vicar’s young wife.
There’s Arthur’s girl, Izzy, living alone,
With twins Jane and Jemima, father unknown.
Here is Nurse Karen, who tends to our ails,
And lazy old Leslie, who lodges at Gail’s.
We all love Matilda, a Master of Wine,
But no-one likes Norman, a breeder of swine.
There goes Orlena, who lives by her snatch,
While Pete the Policeman watches our patch.
Quaintly old Queenie lives down The Streete,
And Robin the farmer, grows barley and wheat.
Susy the sculptor carves objects in wood,
Her Toby’s a terror, mostly up to no good.
Doctor Umberto’s an expert on soils,
He lives next to Vikki, a painter in oils.
Old Walter’s a wonder, he’s still mending clocks,
Next to Miss Xandra, a stitcher of frocks.
Yanko is ancient – he came in the war,
and lastly there’s Zoe, our expert on law.
Piece VIII will appear on Tuesday 18 May.
Ten Things: May
This year our Ten Things series – which surprisingly appears on the tenth of each month – continues concentrating on the amusing, both real and fictional. So this month we have …
Ten Oddly Named Animals
- Alston’s Singing Mouse
- Annamite Striped Rabbit
- Jackson’s Climbing Salamander
- Malabar Whistling Thrush
- Penis Snake
- West Indian Whistling Duck (right)
- Zigzag Elm Sawfly
- Screaming Hairy Armadillo
- Raspberry Crazy Ant
- Striped Pyjama Squid
The Village. VI.
The Village – A Story in Eight Pieces
VI. The Duck Pond
Andy the Angler, is trying his luck,
While bumble-y Bees, at the flowers they suck.
Cunning the Carp – a fish cannot drown,
Unlike the Ducks, all dabbling down.
There is Old Eb, who sits on the bench,
He’s watching the Fox, just seen jumping the fence.
There’s gaggles of Geese, they’re just flying sheep,
And then there’s old Heron, who’s off with a leap.
Winter brings Ice – see the skating is free,
Surprising the Jogger who stops for a pee.
Look! – a Kingfisher – just flashes of blue,
Zips past the Log we use as a pew.
Merry the Mermaid, we never have seen,
But here is a Newt – this one’s called Jean!
O are the ripples caused by a rock,
Thrown by the Parson, ignoring his flock.
A Quern Stone has made a step at the edge
Of the tall Rushes right next to the hedge.
A babbling Stream, with its water so clean,
Houses the Toad, all swarthy and green.
Running, the Urchin’s evading his Mum,
Ignoring a Vandal, fly-tipping – the scum!
Wet was the Witch they once ducked in the pond,
But saucy young Xena swims the millpond.
Yo, there’s a Yob, forever a pest,
To even the Zephyr which blows from the west.
Piece VII will appear on Tuesday 11 May.
Things to Think About: May
This year we’re beginning each month with a (potentially logical) oddity to think about, and to keep the brain cells active. This month:
If you replace “W” with “T” in “What”, “Where”, “When”, you get the answer to each of them.
Please leave your thoughts in the comments.
Monthly Links
It’s again time for our monthly round up of links to items you may have missed. And there’s a lot in this month’s offering, so let’s get in …
Science, Technology, Natural World
Matter is complex, but that complexity has given rise to the good and the bad of nuclear physics. [LONG READ}
The secret of a rat’s sense of touch is all to do with the whiskers.
It seems a surprising number of sea monster sightings are actually whale boners.
Health, Medicine
A new understanding of how our ancient immune system works could help fight future pandemics. [£££]
On the strange cases of healthy children who won’t wake up.
Why are so many women ill-prepared for perimenopause? And how they needn’t be. [LONG READ]
Sexuality
As a special treat this month we have a collection of articles on medieval sex (and how it relates to our modern ideas) from our favourite medieval historian, Dr Eleanor Janega of Going Medieval …
On dildos and penance
On women having sex with themselves
Back in the day cuckolding wasn’t just a thing, it was a thing thast was bound to happen (for the rich, at least). [LONG READ]
On sexualising the “other”, ie. anything except cis white men!
On the medieval acceptance of sex work and the fallacy of “rescuing” sex workers.
Environment
The cherry blossom in Kyoto is earlier this year than ever previously recorded, and the trend over the last 100 years is for earlier and earlier dates.
Without the asteroid which wiped out the dinosaurs, we likely wouldn’t have the Amazon rainforest.
History, Archaeology, Anthropology
A slab of rock, engraved in the Bronze Age, is thought to be the oldest 3D map in Europe.
On the Ancient Egyptians and belief in the after-life.
Archaeologists have uncovered an important Roman site in Scarborough.
We’re going back to Going Medieval for the next two items …
On canonical hours, comfort, and daylight saving time.
On the commemoration of royal death.
Medlars were popular fruit in medieval times, but have fallen out of fashion.
John Spilsbury, the engraver behind the first jigsaw puzzle, a “dissected” map, died on 3 April 1769.
Anti-Vaxxers are nothing new: they’ve been around since Edward Jenner invented the first smallpox vaccine.
Dhaka muslin is an ancient Indian fabric which no-one knows how to make, but which a few weavers are trying to resurrect. [LONG READ]
London
The short stretch of the Hertford Union Canal in east London has been drained for repairs and is giving up its secrets.
When is a river actually a canal? When it’s the New River.
Lifestyle, Personal Development, Beliefs
Nudity at home has become much more common during lockdown, so can naturism become the new trend?
Lockdown has changed quite a few women’s views on bras – both for and against what seems to this mere male to be nothing but a garment of torture.
Going Medieval (yes, again!) considers Jezebel, makeup, and other apocalyptic signs.
How to declutter your home as lockdown eases. Hint: you’ll need the biggest cardboard box you can find.
How the pandemic changed our hygiene habits: we bathe less, but are no more smelly.
Shock, Horror, Humour, Wow!
The mystery of the man who fell from the sky. [LONG READ]
And finally, it seems that big boat that got stuck in the Suez Canal is partly to blame for the UK’s shortage of garden gnomes.
The Village. V.
The Village – A Story in Eight Pieces
V. The Sun Inn
Amber’s the Ale, the brewery’s best,
Poured by the Barmaid, a magnificent chest.
The Cider’s refreshing; the girls drink in sips;
While Tom’s Dog goes begging for peanuts and chips.
‘Ere is young Emma who always wears clogs,
And sits by the Fire, made up with good logs.
All the fine Glass is so sparkling and clear,
And still we’ve the Hat, which was left here last year.
Ice is in cubes – no, not in my beer!
There’s a jang-e-ly jukebox we wish wasn’t here.
Cute is yon Katy whose hair is dyed pink,
Thus deceiving the Lager that only poofs drink.
There’s food on the Menu, good pies do abound,
While Nuts is the cat who’s always around.
There is Old Arthur, still sucking his pipe,
And Polly, Stan’s Parrot, who’s language is ripe.
Lend me a Quid, I need five for a beer,
And top up Miss Rosie, who’s everyone’s dear.
The Snug at the back’s where the old ‘uns hold court,
Draining the Tankards which each of them brought.
There’s yeuchy Urinals where water we pass,
After drinking the Vino, that’s sold by the glass.
Wee is the Widow, still hearty and hale,
Sipping her 5X, a lovely strong ale.
The Young and the Yoof, so noisy and loud,
Still treasure Zog, our mascot, so proud.
Piece VI will appear on Tuesday 4 May.
The Village. IV.
The Village – A Story in Eight Pieces
IV. The Village Stores
A-2-Z Stores serves every and each,
Selling Bananas and Butter and Bleach.
Cheese just so special; Charcoal for the grill;
Detergent’s essential; Daffs for the thrill.
Ed sells no cake, nor bread, meat or fish
Frozen excepted, and Fruit for the dish.
The Fruit Gums are tasty; the kiddies they please,
And so is the Honey, from Freddie’s good bees.
There’s flavoursome Ice Cream, local and good,
With extra pink Jelly for trifle or pud.
The Kale it is rough, only good for the sheep;
Loo paper’s essential, and Ed sells it cheap.
There’s Milk and there’s Mops and even some Macs,
While the Nails and the Screws are in little packs.
There’s Olives and Oils, mostly pressed out of seeds,
And the little Post Office will serve all your needs.
There’s seldom a Queue, it never tops four,
There’s Rice as a staple for puddings and more.
Sandpaper, Sugar, and Seeds for our patch,
Plus trays of the Toffee Jill makes by the batch.
Greasy an Unction for toenails ingrown,
And varietal Veggies, most locally grown.
You need a new permit to fish by the Weir,
And Xmas is coming, no glitter this year.
Live are the Yoghurt, and Yeast, but more yet,
Zee are the last things we mustn’t forget.
Piece V will appear on Monday 26 April.
Quote: Fear
It was fear that first made gods in this world.
[Publius Popinius Stotius]
The Village. III.
The Village – A Story in Eight Pieces
III. The Church of St George
Green is the Altar, a table, today,
And Ben is our Bishop, who’ll visit one day.
Blessed is the Candle, with book and with bell,
Helping the Dean, send demons to Hell.
Eddie’s an Eagle, he’s made out of brass,
Admiring the Flowers, arranged by Miss Glass.
Stained is the Glass in the windows so bright,
Which with our Hymns, sends joy to the height.
Heavenly Incense, clouds flying like geese,
Blessing the Jurats, for keeping the peace.
Stout are the Kingposts supporting the roof,
Above the brass Lectern – that Eagle’ aloof!
We always hear Mass, we’re High Church round here,
Suiting the Nuns from the Convent quite near.
Ann is our Organist, ever adept,
While safe is the Pyx, where the Host it is kept.
The Quad is quite early, ’tis the cloister you see,
While the Rood was replaced in 1603.
Small is our Spire, barely reaching the sky,
On top of the Tower from which the bats fly.
You Unbelievers are certain for Hell,
And so is the Vandal, he’ll go there as well.
There’s Wilma the Witch who never comes near,
While X is we Christians, faithful and clear.
Uncaring the Yob, with hardly a nod,
Unlike the Zealot, ever speaking to God.
Piece IV will appear on Monday 19 April.