Category Archives: amusements

Book of Genesis

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls.

And Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.” And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.”

And the Lord said, “I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

Trapped Hosepipes

I’ve today spotted the following on PubMed. The mind boggles!

Removal of a Long PVC Pipe Strangulated in the Penis by Hot-Melt Method.
Jiatao J, Bin X, Huamao Y, Jianguo H, Bing L, Yinghao S.
Department of Urology, Changhai Hospital, […] China.

Abstract
Introduction. Penile incarceration for erotic or autoerotic purposes has been reported in a wide range of age groups, and often presents a significant challenge to urologic surgeons. No ready method has been reported for removing a polyvinylchloride (PVC) pipe entrapped on the penis. Aim. To present our experience in using hot-melt method to remove a constricted PVC pipe on the penis. Methods. A long melting split was made on the PVC pipe entrapped on the penis by using the long narrow branch of forceps heated on a gas stove. Results. The heated forceps was able to make a melt split on the PVC pipe. Consequently, the PVC pipe was removed by pulling the edges of the pipe apart without much difficulty. The total operation time was 20 minutes. Conclusion. Penile incarceration is a urologic emergency, for which resourcefulness is required in some unexpected cases. Hot-melting has proved to be an easy and effective method for removing penile strangulation by a PVC pipe. To our knowledge, it is the first report about the removal of PVC pipe entrapped on a penis.

Quotes of the Week

When I post these quotes it shouldn’t be assumed that they are new to me. Very often they are quotes I have know (even if only vaguely) for some while, but which I have stumbled across during the week and wished to (re) record. For instance the first two of this week’s selection have been useful on many occasions over the years.

Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony […] You can’t expect to wield supreme power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! […] I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would put me away!
[Monty Python and the Holy Grail]

Why do the nations so furiously rage together, and why do the people imagine a vain thing? The kings of the earth rise up, and the rulers take counsel together.
[Psalms 2:1-2; Handel, Messiah]

If we could gather all the electric eels from all around the world, we would be able to light up an unimaginably large Christmas tree.
[Kazuhiko Minawa, Enoshima Aquarium, Japan; see

You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die, or when. You can only decide how you’re going to live now.
[Joan Baez]

Defining the Normal

From the Feedback column of New Scientist, 4 December 2011 …

Composing witty error messages has long been one of the ways […] in which geeks try to show their human side. We’re not so sure what species of side is exhibited by the geeks responsible for the nLab, a website devoted to “collaborative work on Mathematics, Physics and Philosophy” in the context of “category theory”, which is … er … a set of mathematical tools for describing general abstract structures in mathematics and relations between them. And the general abstract relations between those relations, and so on up …

It is perhaps inevitable that the holding page they have prepared for times when the nLab site isn’t working […] announces that it is […]

“currently experiencing some difficulties due to local fluctuations in reality. The Lab Elves are working hard to patch reality. In the meantime, edits on the nLab have been temporarily disabled since the fundamentals of mathematics may vary during these spasmodic variations. Normal service will be restored once we are sure what ‘normal’ is.”

Auction Oddities

I’ve not posted recently on curiosities noticed at auction because our local auction house have been relatively well behaved of late. Apart that is from selling a Chinese Vase recently for a world record £43 million – see here, here and here.

However their next sale has thrown up a few further oddities:

A good Japanese porcelain figure of Ho Tei [Laughing Buddha], with hairy belly in richly enamelled robe and holding a fan, 12″ high …

Two skin handbags, a tin of buttons, postcards, unframed pictures, old tin, chandelier, a quantity of lace and linen …

An onyx three piece clock set …

A native blowpipe and three barbed fishing spears with oak shafts.

Victorian Taxidermy: a woodcock in glazed case labelled Robert Blanks, Maldon, and a modern Papilio Ulysses butterfly in case.

A pair of African candlesticks, a model of the Taj Mahal, a small boat, and an egg posy holder.

A pair of filled silver dwarf candlesticks.

It was the last two that really floored me. WTF is an egg posy holder; how do you make eggs into a posy? Who knew silver dwarfs existed, let alone one could fill them (what with?) and make them into candlesticks?

Quotes of the Week

Thin pickings again this week, partly I suspect as I’ve not been reading as much due to this ****ing cold I can’t get rid of. Anyway here are the best four …

Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority.
[Thomas Huxley]

She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit.
[Somerset Maugham]

War divides pretty neatly into the twin activities of “fighting” and “running away”.
[Ben Miller; The Times, Eureka; 11/2010]

Do you realize if it weren’t for Edison we’d be watching TV by candlelight?
[Al Boliska]

Quotes of the Week

I’m beginning to think that quotations found are like London buses: they come in threes; last week there was a dearth of good quotes; this week we have a glut. Here are the best of this week’s crop.

Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
[Mary Tyler Moore]

Chance favours the prepared mind.
[Louis Pasteur]

I wish someone had explained those two to me when I was young. Equally the following, told me by my barber hairdresser also explains a lot.

My brain is going. It’s not my age; it’s my thinning hair. Where the hair falls out the vacant pores let in water, so when my head gets wet the water mixes with the electricity in the brain. Not good!
[Clive Dodd]

Mind you it would be good if more people understood the next …

What people should expect is 100% energy and 100% effort. What no government can guarantee is 100% success.
[Dr John (Lord) Reid; former Labour Cabinet Minister]

But then we could do with a lot of politicians understanding these next three …

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.
[Shakespeare; Henry VI Part 2, IV:ii]

The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps.
[Benjamin Disraeli]

Man, unlike animals, has never learned that the sole purpose in life is to enjoy it.
[Samuel Butler]

Pearl Necklace

Artist Leah Piepgras has created that essential piece of jewellery to wear to your next job interview.

As Peipgras says on her website:

Pearl Necklace is a seemingly amorphous cast silver shape on a chain that is actually an accurate representation of semen. It is a visual marker of chaos turned perfection through an act of beauty and lust. Pearl Necklace is a physical reminder of a fleeting moment of pleasure.

Even assuming you would pay $420 for the privilege, how many would have the courage to wear this to work let alone to a job interview? (Not that it to my mind hugely obvious what it represents.) I certainly wouldn’t, but then I’m not into girlie jewellery – and I’ve never seen any equivalent to us chaps. What about it someone?

Food for Thought

I came across the following a few days ago. I had to think hard to grasp exactly what was being said, but having done so I think the message is powerful. It relates to false life, as propounded on my Zen Mischief website. Sentimentality is a manifestation of false life, through false emotions. True sentiment (“what one feels with regard to something; mental attitude; an opinion or view as to what is right or agreeable; a mental feeling, an emotion; those feelings which involve an intellectual element or are concerned with ideal objects” – OED) is part of a considered reaction to and engagement with real life in the raw. There is a rather large difference …

Sentimentality creates the CAFO [Concentrated Animal Feeding Operations] farm – the sentimentality that says we are too weak to bear the pain of knowing animals and watching them die. This is what turns our food into Styrofoam packages and allows CAFO agriculture, where animals are carefully hidden from our view, and the relationship of our purchases carefully concealed. Sentimentality allows us to care about the extinction of the preferred charismatic mega-fauna of our choice […] but that we see no connection between our purchases, our acts and the habitat destruction of the animals in question. Sentimentality enables us to care about the child Pakistani-flood victim on nightly TV enough to send some money – but not enough to try and reduce the number of climate-related natural disasters by giving up some of our privileges. Sentimentality enables the patriotic fervour that allows us to not know how many Iraqi or Afghani civilians die in the interest of our national “greater goods.” Sentimentality is the emotion that emerges from the condition of not knowing – and it is what you have left in a society that conceals at every level real knowledge. It too is both cause and effect – it permits great evil, and it facilitates lack of knowledge of the real.

Sentiment – love, anger, attachment, affection – real emotions – these derive from knowledge, and they can’t be faked. And when you know things, the choices you make get more complex. The realities you live in get harder and greyer. Sometimes love means you have to kill something. Sometimes one love means that another loved thing get sacrificed. Sometimes you have to go against your feelings. But the only way that never happens is when you substitute sentimentality for real feeling.

We live in a world where sentimentality poses as real emotion, where we are often actively discouraged from understanding consequences, from developing real love for people and things, and from paying attention. It is easy to miss the distinction between the two entirely – because we have blurred so many things together.

[Sharon Astyk at Casaubon’s Book Weblog]

From Youth to Paradise

I was reminded today of that lovely GK Chesterton poem The Rolling English Road.

Before the Roman came to Rye or out to Severn strode,
The rolling English drunkard made the rolling English road.
A reeling road, a rolling road, that rambles round the shire,
And after him the parson ran, the sexton and the squire;
A merry road, a mazy road, and such as we did tread
The night we went to Birmingham by way of Beachy Head.

I knew no harm of Bonaparte and plenty of the Squire,
And for to fight the Frenchman I did not much desire;
But I did bash their baggonets because they came arrayed
To straighten out the crooked road an English drunkard made,
Where you and I went down the lane with ale-mugs in our hands,
The night we went to Glastonbury by way of Goodwin Sands.

His sins they were forgiven him; or why do flowers run
Behind him; and the hedges all strengthening in the sun?
The wild thing went from left to right and knew not which was which,
But the wild rose was above him when they found him in the ditch.
God pardon us, nor harden us; we did not see so clear
The night we went to Bannockburn by way of Brighton Pier.

My friends, we will not go again or ape an ancient rage,
Or stretch the folly of our youth to be the shame of age,
But walk with clearer eyes and ears this path that wandereth,
And see undrugged in evening light the decent inn of death;
For there is good news yet to hear and fine things to be seen,
Before we go to Paradise by way of Kensal Green.

What could better summarise the English countryside, the fun of youth and the eventual wisdom of age!