Cartoon of the Week
Category Archives: amusements
Railspeak
About a week ago David Marsh wrote a brilliant article in the Guardian about the peculiar torture of Railspeak, that surpassingly odd distortion of English perpetrated by train companies:
Railspeak is a language with a unique syntax and vocabulary — characterised by, for example, the mandatory use of auxiliary verbs (“we do apologise”), the random deployment of redundant adjectives (“station stop”, “personal belongings”) and the selection of inappropriate prepositions (“journey time into London Paddington is approximately 25 minutes”).
Trains never leave, but “depart”, never reach their destination, but “terminate”, and are frequently delayed by mysterious “incidents”. Rail catering, meanwhile, has been transformed from a music hall joke (British Rail sandwiches) to a surreal world of its own, offering among other treats “teas, coffees, hot chocolates [sic] …” (Has anyone tested this by asking how many varieties of hot chocolate are, in fact, available? To enjoy, perhaps, while reading the safety information leaflet in braille?)
…
Meanwhile, someone should tell the announcer at Waterloo station that the ever-lengthening list of things we can’t do — smoke, run, cycle, skateboard, find a rubbish bin, find a seat — does not, so far, extend to playing boules or yodelling. Is this an oversight?
Customers requiring enhumoration into their Monday will find the article in the vestibule at the end of the post. Here.
More Auction Oddities
More mysterious lots, often containing odd assortments of objects, from our local auction house.
A wooden Hemley’s mah-jong set with bone pieces, and another modern mah-jong set.
A pair of reproduction plated napkin rings with cherub supports and a quantity of plated cutlery.
A good pair of late Victorian plated candlesticks in Adam style, with square tapering stems, with nozzles.
My heart sinks as soon as I read the first few words of the next lot …
An extensive interesting lot on four shelves including brass and copper ware, horse brasses, door furniture, kettles, taps, ornaments, trays, candlesticks, lamps, etc., buttons, clocks, weights, pewter ware, decanters, ceramic hot water bottles, mineral samples, playing cards, painted eggs, plate racks, reference books, etc.
An attractive French mandolin with paper label of JTL Jerome Thibouville-Lamy, Paris, inlaid with flowering stems in mother of pearl in leather case with sheet music.
Yes, but does it slice cucumber?
A German bisque piano baby, seated naked, another with small dog, and a large Sylvac comic dog with toothache.
A taxidermy specimen of a Barn owl in glazed case, early 20th century.
A taxidermy specimen of a curlew in a glass case, early 20th century.
I note they’ve stopped referring to “a stuffed booby”. “A taxidermy specimen” has a much less interesting ring to it.
A wonderful Saint Laurent Rive Gauche python skin lady’s suit with suede trim, bomber style jacket, straight skirt.
An old white painted water tank, a terracotta chimney pot, an old cut stone mill wheel, a pair of classical patinated urns, and three other troughs and three pigeons.
I hope they’ve been feeding the pigeons!
A large quantity of garden gnomes, squirrel, hedgehog, tortoise, etc.
A good collection of patinated garden ornaments including semi-clad ladies, figure of Pan, reclining dog, lions, pineapples, and a trough.
A large patinated terracotta pot containing a good example of a twisted Ficus plant, currently in healthy condition.
A WWII tin hat, gas mask, four old earthenware bed warmers and a soda syphon.
A 19th century elm and yew Windsor armchair with pierced and stick back and crinoline stretcher and a milking stool.
Presumably the milking stool folds away under the armchair when not in use, but carrying an armchair into the fields for milking must have been a real chore.
More Silliness
On Sunday morning I shall be travelling through central London by car, so I looked to see what major roadworks/closures there are lined up only to find that at the Blackfriars Bridge/Queen Victoria Street interchange
TfL contractors will be working at the junction to put poles into barrels.
Presumably this is so the foreigners can be pickled and repatriated.
I had to laugh …
Waitrose’s latest venture, for which they have a new magazine, appears to be dating and sex advice …
… at least I’m sure that’s what most people would believe from the magazine title!
Quotes of the Week
OK, so here’s this week’s vaguely mixed up nosebag …
A writer is a professional rememberer.
[Gunter Grass ]
I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.
[Unknown]
This recession won’t be over until we raise a generation that knows how to live on what they’ve got.
[Unknown]
A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.
[Edward Abbey]
[T]herapists try to make a person fit in with society, while Buddhists see the value of being able to deal with society. [Buddhists] question its core values and don’t really try to make people fit society’s warped mold, only deal with it.
[Brad Warner on his Hardcore Zen Weblog]
There’s only one thing that I know how to do well
And I’ve often been told that you only can do
What you know how to do well
And that’s be you
Be what you’re like!
Be like yourself!
[They Might Be Giants album Flood]
I am sure you will agree with me, Lady Warminster, in thinking, so far as company is concerned, enough is as bad as a feast, and half a loaf in many ways preferable to the alternative of a whole one or the traditional no bread. How enjoyable, therefore, to be just as we are.
[Anthony Powell, Casanova’s Chinese Restaurant]
Cartoon of the Week
Yeah OK, so I’m being delinquent. That’s the advantage of regular series, it prompts you to do something. Anyway here’s cartoon of the week …
Quotes of the Week
So here’s this week’s cornucopia of quotations. There’s a philosophy PhD in this lot somewhere!
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
[Unknown]
At the worst, a house unkept cannot be so distressing as a life unlived.
[Rose Macaulay]
A civilized society is one which tolerates eccentricity to the point of doubtful sanity.
[Robert Frost]
The human body can remain nude and uncovered and preserve intact its splendour and its beauty … Nakedness as such is not to be equated with physical shamelessness … Immodesty is present only when nakedness plays a negative role with regard to the value of the person … The human body is not in itself shameful … Shamelessness (just like shame and modesty) is a function of the interior of a person.
[Pope John Paul II, The Theology of the Body]
The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.
[Jean Cocteau]
The best things in life aren’t things.
[Unknown]
Those who are at ease with themselves […] want to undermine authority rather than exercise it.
[Prof. Paul Delany]
[Tony] Blair has […] told us, “Hand on my heart, I did what I thought was right”. If a dry-cleaner said this after ruining our jacket, we would not be pleased with the explanation. Politicians are different: don’t look at any unfortunate results, they say, just admire my generous motives.
[Prof. Paul Delany]
A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason, and the real reason.
[Financier JP Morgan]
One of the basic human rights is to make fun of other people, whoever they are.
[Anthony Powell quoted in John Russell, Reading Russell: Essays 1941 to 1988]
If you don’t like our sense of humour, please tell us so we can laugh at you.
[Unknown]
World Domination
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. They have never forgotten this and they have been plotting their usurpation of humanity for hundreds of years. You’d better believe it …
More evidence at The Ark in Space.
Cartoon of the Week
