Auction Oddities

There don’t seem to have been many really strange sounding lots appearing at auction locally in the last few months. But I noticed yesterday that Chiswick Auctions have a sale on 11 January. Looking at the catalogue I see that the sale includes 17 lots of memorabilia which belonged to Ronnie and/or Reggie Kray including things like signed photographs and boxing gloves. So far so normal. But the pièce de résistance has to be Lot 256:

“256. Calling Damien Hirst, Ronnie Kray’s false teeth, contained in a Broadmoor brown envelope. Provenance: A close family friend.”

Maybe I should go and buy them as a birthday present to myself?!

Quotes of the Week

I’ve been reading quite a bit over Christmas, so this week there’s a good selection of quotes; something for almost everyone here …

In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.
[Paul Harvey]

If people turn to look at you on the street, you are not well dressed.
[The Economist; unknown author and date]

You can’t prove that there isn’t a magic teapot floating around on the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs but, it seems pretty unlikely, doesn’t it?
[Kurt Hummel]

A bird is an instrument working according to mathematical law, which instrument it is in the capacity of man to reproduce with all its movements but not with as much strength, though it is deficient only in power of maintaining equilibrium.
[Leonardo da Vinci, The Flight of Birds, 1505]

Newton saw an apple fall and deduced Gravitation. You and I might have seen millions of apples fall and only deduced pig-feeding.
[Admiral of the Fleet Lord Fisher; Letter to the Times, 12 January 1920]

All dog-lovers must be interested in Lieutenant-Commander Elwell-Sutton’s account of his white whippet which insists on singing to the accompaniment of his (or, may I hope, his young son’s?) accordion – presumably one of those gigantic new instruments, invented, I think, in Italy, which make noises as loud as those made by cinema organs, and rather like them. This dog’s taste is low; but a musical ear is a musical ear.
[Sir John Squire; letter to the Times, 11 January 1936]

They [18th and early 19th century Quakers] became a bourgeois coterie of bankers, brewers and cocoa-grocers.
[Mr Ben Vincent, letter to the Times, 13 March 1974]

[The correct] forking technique is called the Continental method. It’s the method used in Europe as well as anywhere else that the British have killed the locals.
[Scott Adams]

Alice: Would you please tell me which way I ought to walk from here?
Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don’t much care where –
Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn’t matter which way you walk.
Alice: – so long as I get somewhere.
Cheshire Cat: Oh, you’re sure to do that, if you only walk long enough.

[Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland]

New Year Resolutions – NOT

Like a number of other people I know, I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. They are, by and large, setting ourselves up to fail. We pick as resolutions things we’re determined to do, but maybe don’t really want to do, like stopping smoking or exercising more. Consequently, although we try, we don’t stick the course. We fail and then beat ourselves up for failing. Only to go through the whole cycle again next year with the same resolutions! All New Year resolutions are is self-fulfilling fails just waiting to mug our psyche.

I’ve never liked being tied down by immoveable objectives (to me that ceases to be an objective and becomes an irrevocable order, something to be achieved “or else”). And I don’t intend to start now I’ve managed to slough of the spectre of work. I’m basically someone who drifts with the tide; I managed it through my working life and have escaped with (most of) my sanity intact and a life outside work. Yes I probably could have done better for myself, but at what cost to my sanity and work-life balance? That wasn’t what I wanted so drifting suited me just fine.

So in recent years I have tried to set myself some goals to achieve over the year. And no, a goal is not a resolution! Resolution = I am determined to do this come what may. Goal = a target to be aimed for; success is a bull’s eye; but you still get points for hitting an outer blue or black ring, for some small progress.

Last year I set myself a number of goals. And I scored really badly, though I did pick a few points. This was partly because my goals didn’t end up aligning with the things which turned out to happen during the year and which I couldn’t have foreseen. Yes, I’m disappointed, but no I’m not beating myself up about it (well not much anyway).

So for 2011 I’m setting myself a new set of goals. And no, not the ones I didn’t achieve in 2010; many of them are not now relevant to where I need to be going. And no, I’m not about to tell you what they are. I may or may not achieve these goals, but every one is attainable if somewhat challenging and I shall give them a good shot. As long as they remain relevant. And that’s the key. Goals = targets to be aimed at which are achievable, relevant and allow for progress short of 100% success. So many New Year’s resolutions become “must do”, are unreasonably hard to achieve, and too often become irrelevant to where life takes us.  Flexibility is more important than single-minded determination; partial success is more important than total failure.

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Harry the Cat is Home


Harry the Cat , originally uploaded by kcm76.

Yesterday we collected Harry the Cat from the vet, where he’s been since a week before Christmas. It is all a very long and boring story which has ended up with him having one of his thyroid glands removed (not uncommon in older cats). But if only it had been that simple.

When we collected him from the vet the first thing we did was drive him an hour up the M1, in thick fog, to a veterinary consultant (the equivalent of your local BUPA hospital) north of Luton as neither we nor our vets were totally happy that the thyroid was the whole of the story.

We spent two hours at the “hospital”, including an hour with the consultant vet during which we were examined as to Harry’s history and he had a physical exam. The upshot of this was that the consultant expects (and hopes) that all the symptoms we’ve been seeing over the last few months are all due to his over-active thyroid, and then the aftermath of the operation. We left having been told “See how he goes for a couple of weeks and if he isn’t OK bring him back”.

So we paid yet another hefty vet bill (praise [insert your choice of deity] for pet insurance) and drove him an hour and a half back down the M1, still in thick fog, to home. Harry slept most of the way home in his basket. By the time we got home for a late lunch we’d all had more than enough for one day.

He seems fairly bright-eyed and bushy tailed although he is still clearly still adjusting to all the displacement. When we got home he was straight out of his basket and head down in Sally’s breakfast bowl. Yep, that’s our Harry! And afterwards he slept under my desk lamp during the afternoon, as can been seen.

He’s still adjusting today, still sleeping quite a bit, and wants to spend time near us – although still not quite trusting that we aren’t going to whisk him off somewhere else nasty for a holiday.

So far, so good. Here’s hoping it stays that way and the consultant is right.It is good to have him back again!

Headlines of the Year

One of the things I keep half an eye out for is humorous news headlines, especially on the BBC News website. Here are a few of this years favourites (all except the last from the BBC).

Camper, 55, is airlifted off peak
What would the peak period fare have cost him?
 
Paper boy praised for saving pensioner
How do you get the pensioner in your piggy bank?
 
Hogmanay bells ring in new babies
I do hope the bells are surgically removed, or is this the cause of Scots’ short life expectancy?
  
The Flashier the Tit, the Stronger the Sperm
Say no more!

On Democracy

WARNING: this has turned into a post of epic proportions!

One of the things which marks out the western world from the rest is our democracy, much of which (excepting many European countries) is based on the British model. This predominance of the British model arises because (a) we were probably the first country to develop such an all-encompassing democracy and (b) because of the huge influence of the British Empire. This has meant that many countries which have been under the influence of British democracy have been able to establish their own democracies largely fully formed just by taking the book of rules off the shelf.

However it seems to me that it is often assumed our (British) democracy emerged fully formed overnight – although no-one can quite say when that was, although many will point to the Commonwealth of Oliver Cromwell. Cromwell isn’t actually such a bad guess, although a gross over-simplification. British (and, may one thus suggest, world) democracy has evolved over a period of approaching 800 years. Like all evolution it is a rocky road with progress and reverses along the way. This evolution is something I had long believed but which I had never fully crystallised in my mind, so I set about developing a time-line to prove my case. Here it is:

1215. Magna Carta. The nobles force King John to sign Magna Carta which creates the English Parliament and the notion that the king may not levy or collect taxes without the consent of the royal council (embryonic parliament).
1216. Death of King John; accession of the infant Henry III. Leading nobles governed on behalf of Henry III thus ensuring Magna Carta is enshrined.
1258. Henry III forced to accept Provisions of Oxford thus abolishing the absolutist Anglo-Norman monarchy and giving power to a council of 15 barons overseen by a thrice-yearly parliament.
1264. Barons, led by Simon de Montfort, defeat Henry III at Battle of Lewes. Simon de Montfort summons the first English Parliament with no royal authority. As well as the barons, bishops etc. there were two knights from each shire and two burgesses from each borough, the latter mostly elected according to some locally devised process.
1265. First elected parliament meets. Simon de Montfort introduces the idea that power-holders are responsible to an electorate.
1295. Edward I adopts Simon de Montfort’s ideas about parliament in the Model Parliament.
1341. Commons meets separately from the nobility & clergy for the first time, thus creating the Upper and Lower Chambers.
1376. The Good Parliament. Presiding Officer (Sir Peter de la Mare) demanded accounting of royal expenditure and criticises the king’s management of the military and the heavy taxation. The Commons impeaches some of the king’s ministers.
1430. Franchise is limited to Forty Shilling Freeholders.
1485. Accession of Henry VII who is no longer a member of either house of parliament.
1536-41. Dissolution of the Monasteries under Henry VIII reduces the number of Lords Spiritual by the removal of Abbots and Priors from the House of Lords. For the first time there are more Lords Temporal than Lords Spiritual.
1544. Upper Chamber becomes known as the House of Lords, and the Lower Chamber the House of Commons; collectively the Houses of Parliament.
1628. Petition of Rights stipulated that the king could no longer tax without Parliament’s consent. Charles I later dissolved Parliament and, believing in the divine right of kings, ruled without them for 11 years thus precipitating the Civil War.
1642-51. Civil War and the Levellers movement.
1649. Execution of Charles I
1649-60. Interregnum. House of Lords abolished. Oliver Cromwell, as Lord Protector, convenes several (mostly unicameral) parliaments. Cromwell gave much freedom to parliament (which is based on the Elizabethan model) but without the ruler’s influence being exerted; in consequence parliament became troublesome to the regime.
1653. Humble Petition and Advice. Parliament offers Cromwell the crown which he refuses. But the model of parliament contained in the Humble Petition is essentially that which still pertains: an elected House of Commons, the House of Lords containing peers of the realm and a constitutional monarchy subservient to parliament and assisted by a Privy Council. Cromwell thus inadvertently presided over the creation of the basis for the future parliamentary government of England.
1659. Rump Parliament dissolves itself and calls democratic elections which pave the way for the restoration of Charles II in May 1660.
1681. Charles II gambles by dissolving parliament and ruling without them for four years.
1688. James II deposed.
1689. Accession of William & Mary. Parliament approves the Bill of Rights, upholding the pre-eminence of parliament (plus freedom of speech and banning of cruel and unusual punishments) thus beginning the English constitutional monarchy.
1707. Act of Union merges English and Scottish Parliaments.
1801. Parliament of Ireland merged with that of Great Britain.
1832. Great Reform Act. Purges many of the Rotten Boroughs, reforms constituencies and considerably extends the (male only) franchise.
1867. Second Reform Act completes the purge of Rotten Boroughs, establishes constituencies of roughly equal numbers of electors and again extends the franchise.
1872. Ballot Act establishes the secret ballot.
1884. Third Reform Act doubles the size of the (still all male) electorate.
1918. Almost all men over 21, and women over 30 who met property owning qualifications, granted the right to vote.
1928. Representation of the People Act enfranchises all men and women over 21.
1970. Age of majority reduced to 18.

So what is the alternative to democracy?

Yes, that’s right, it is essentially a dictatorship, whether in the form of an absolute monarchy (for example Saudi Arabia, Tsarist Russia), a military dictatorship (for example Burma, North Korea), a political dictatorship (think China, Soviet Russia) or a civil dictatorship (eg. Libya, Saddam Hussein’s Iraq, Zimbabwe). These countries have no tradition of democracy; most wouldn’t know it if it hit them in the face. And yet we, the Western World, expect to go stomping into these countries, telling them to become democracies (well that’s what works for us, so we know best) and then wonder why (a) they aren’t overjoyed and (b) fail to make it work overnight – think Iraq and Afghanistan.

Yes, sure, there are other countries which are trying to get from dictatorship to democracy on their own, Russia being a case in point. It is hard (so kudos to them for trying) because the dictatorship mindset (however much disliked) is ingrained in not just all their administrative systems but also in the people. No wonder they find it hard, however strong their will, and flip-flop into and out of dictatorial tendencies.

As I say, the road to democracy is long, winding and rocky. It’s taken Britain almost 800 years. What makes the Western World think non-democratic countries can achieve democracy overnight? Should we not expect it to be a long-term project for them, taking maybe 20-50 years? Even assuming that is what they want!

The Lure of the Limerick

Lying abed last night I got to thinking about limericks; something I have not visited for quite some while. And of course I didn’t need to revisit WS Baring-Gould’s The Lure of the Limerick to be reminded that as an art form the limerick is both clever and bawdy – as well as being a peculiarly English art form, much older than it’s supposed inventor Edward Lear – viz:

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space which is quite economical
Though the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

The limerick’s an art for complex
Whose contents run chiefly to sex.
It’s famous for virgins
And masculine urgin’s
And vulgar erotic effects.

The thoughts of the rabbit on sex
Are seldom, if ever, complex
For a rabbit in need
Is a rabbit in deed
And does as a rabbit expects.

There once was a queer of Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
As to who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

And it’s all downhill from there!

Must buy a new copy of Baring-Gould; my cheap 1971 paperback has literally fallen apart.

Green Christmas

Thanks to Diamond Geezer for the following, which I just have to share in its entirety!

1 And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto Nazareth to have a chat to a virgin, and the virgin’s name was Mary.
2 And the angel came unto her and said, “Fear not, for thou shalt conceive in thy womb and bring forth a Son, and shalt call His name JESUS.”
3 Then said Mary unto the angel, “Oh, for heavens sake. I’m a responsible eco-protester and I’ve made a conscious decision not to bring a child into the world. An extra mouth will burn up valuable resources that the Earth can ill afford. Think of all the carbon dioxide He’ll breathe out, and all the fossil fuels He’ll burn, and all the nappies He’ll soil, and all the mobile phone chargers He’ll leave on stand-by. Not to mention all the offspring He’ll probably beget. I’m being impregnated against my will, and it’s our planet that will suffer. Tell God I’d rather not, there’s a good angel.”
4 And the angel answered and said unto her, “Tough.”

5 And it came to pass in those days that there went out a decree that all local hospitals should be shut down. And the accountants saw that it was good.
6 “Bugger,” said Joseph. “My espoused wife is great with child, but the nearest birthing facility is 70 miles away. And public transport is so very unreliable these days, and all the cheap fares were snapped up month ago. Verily my eco-conscience doesn’t permit me to take the car. Where’s that ass?”
7 So they went up from Galilee on the back of a donkey – which is not ideal for a girl in Mary’s condition – unto the City of David which is called Bethlehem.

8 And so it was that while they were there, the days were accomplished that Mary should be delivered. But it turned out that the hospital was full, having exceeded its annual budgetary target, so she might as well have stayed at home and given birth in the garage.
9 And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in ethnic import swaddling clothes from the Oxfam shop, and laid Him in a manger.
10 And Mary said “Here I am surrounded by animals and straw, and not an epidural in sight. This must be as environmentally-friendly a birth as anyone could ever have, not that the wider world has noticed. It’s a damned shame that the media aren’t here to promote this ultra-green lifestyle to other pregnant women. But I guess my story will just have to remain untold.”

11 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And they were doing a bit of knitting, like shepherds do, yea even their teatowel headgear was sustainably generated.
12 And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid.
13 “We are sore afraid,” they said. “Have you any idea how much energy you’re wasting with all this ostentatious glory-shining? You could at least tone it down a bit using a low-energy halo.”
14 And the angel said unto them, “Fear not, for behold this halo is a low output, flicker free, non-stroboscopic Compact Fluorescent Integrated Glow-Ring. For God phased out all the filament haloes in the heavenly firmament long ago.”
15 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, and LED-based illumination toward men!”
16 “For unto you is born this day a Saviour, who is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the Babe round the back of a pub wearing His Mum’s cast-offs. Take Him some cute knitted bootees as a gift, won’t you?”
17 And it came to pass, when the angels were gone away, the shepherds said one to another, “Bunch of megalomaniac weirdoes. We’re going nowhere.”

18 Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem, there came three air passengers from the East to Jerusalem saying, “Where is He that is born King of the Jews? For we have flown Star Alliance (first class) and have come to worship Him. Sorry we’re a bit late, there was this ash cloud.”
19 When Herod the king had heard these things he was troubled. “If our little town gets too popular with tourists we may need to build a third runway, possibly in the middle of the Sea of Galilee, and imagine all the noise and air pollution that would cause.”
20 And he sent them to Bethlehem and said, “Go and search diligently for the young child, and when ye have found Him, bring me word again, that I may come and murder Him, oops, I wasn’t supposed to say that bit out loud.”
21 When they had heard the king, they departed via a connecting flight; and lo, a vapour trail went behind them until it spread over where the young Child lay.
22 And when they had exited the terminal, they got a taxi to see the young Child with Mary His mother. And she was appalled at the unnecessary length of their travels, and demanded that they offset their carbon forthwith.
23 So they presented duty free treasures of sustainable gold and locally-sourced frankincense and 100% organic myrrh, which pleased Mary no end.
24 And then they departed into their own country, by public transport, naturally.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Quotes of the Week

Here’s this week’s selection.

It is quite likely that one day all the food in the world will be Chinese. And so will all the people.
[Giles Coren]

Lesson one: you just have to try something on. You really do – to experience the intense charge between a woman and her clothes.
[Lisa Armstrong]

What really tells you what you should be when you grow up is what you can’t NOT do.
[Emily Nagoski]

I believe in an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.
[Arthur Hays Sulzberger]

I’m not promiscuous. I just really like women.
[Julian Assange]

And I leave you with euphemism of the week:

“worrying fiscal dynamics” = we’re spending too much

Happy Christmas everyone!