A couple of days ago I came across this wonderful collection of Windows error messages in haiku including quite a few I’d not seen before. I think my favourites are:
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Whatever you can do
Or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power
And magic in it.
[Goethe]
What I want to know is how many Lewd Manors there are that we are not allowed to behave in?!
Most people fail to realize that the dictates of any belief system are not the truth, and that memorizing beliefs often replaces authentic investigation.
[Peter Ralston; Zen Body-Being]
Weird. Very Monty Python. It suggests a whole new set of meanings for that lovely piece from Monty Python and the Holy Grail:
Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony … You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! … I mean, if I went around sayin’ I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they’d put me away!
Came across the following fortune cookies in a box of Italian chocolates over the weekend.
The night is silent, and in its silence dreams are hidden
Love me because without you I can do nothing, I am nothing
You shine in my heart like the moon in the night sky
Let us enjoy our love as long as we may
A magical night of bliss begins and ends with a kiss
This must be the most brilliant t-shirt I think I’ve ever come across!
From New Scientist, 3 March 2007 …
Viral notices
At the end of last year, we voiced the fear that we are being exploited by viral notices for the purposes of propagating themselves (16 December 2006). Lindsay Brash observes that the notice we mentioned then — “Please do not remove this notice until 23rd July” — “demonstrates the rapid evolution of viruses and the sophisticated tricks they can employ on their hosts. By stating a date, the notice fools humans into thinking it must be legitimate, and they let it be.”
In fact, Brash goes on, it’s even cleverer than that: people “are so gullible that they are not likely to remove it until some time after the stated date. But by then they will forget when they first saw it and, to be safe, leave it until the next 23 July. Fantastic!”
And in James Penketh’s school there is a notice with an even more subtle survival strategy: inducing complete cognitive breakdown. It reads “Take no notice of this notice. By Order.” If he took no notice of this notice, he asks, “would I know to take no notice of it?”
Justin Needham, meanwhile, has found an example of the suicide notice: “Please leave these facilities as you would wish to find them”. Every time he spots one, he writes, “I am tempted (and sometimes succumb) to tear it down. That’s better, just how I wish to find the facilities — with no patronising notices.”
Refine your life as you would smelt gold. Chuck out all the dross — then you’ll see how the dross and the gold are the same thing.
[Robert Allen; A Thousand Paths to Zen]
Learning a new lingo seems like a good way to start the new year, so here’s a guide to London (cockney) speak (it also applies to those who come from Southend):
alma chizzit. A request to find the cost of an item.
amant. Quantity; sum total. (“Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend”).
assband. Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc.
awss. A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost. (“That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t’day”).
branna. More brown than on a previous occasion. (“Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?”).
cort a panda. A rather large hamburger.
dan in the maff. Unhappy. (“Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff”).
eye-eels. Women’s shoes.
Furrock. The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre.
garrij. A building where a car is kept or repaired. (Trace: “Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working propah”).
Ibeefa. Balaeric holiday island.
lafarjik. Lacking in energy (“I feel all lafarjik”).
oi oi! Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs.
paipa. The Sun, The Mirror or The Sunday Sport.
reband. The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover. (“I couldn’t elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig”).
Saffend. Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from Eastenders go on holiday.
tan. The city of London, the big smoke.
webbats. Querying the location, something or someone is. (“Webbats is me dole card Trace? I’gotta sign on).
To add further verisimilitude include the following in your dialogue:
fahkin. An all purpose, meaningless expletive and adjective.
innit. Added randomly to any phrase approximating to a statement.
wewl. A throat clearance at the start of a sentence.
As in: “Wewl so Trace goes darn yur Furrock Satdi and buys some new eye-eels, innit. Fahkin gewl’s costin me a fawchune.”
