Pet hates. Things which always irritate or annoy you, wherever, however and regardless of how well intentioned. We all have them! Here are a few of mine …

What will the neighbours think? I don’t give a flying wombat what the neighbours think. If they don’t like what I do then too bad. I’m unlikely to be doing anything illegal. And if they think what I’m doing is immoral then it’s they who have the problem because I’m very unlikely to think it’s immoral.

Net curtains. See above. I have nothing to hide and nothing much worth nicking. I like light. Nay, I need the light to counter my SAD. And I like to be able to look out of the window. So we have no net curtains at home, neither do we normally draw the curtains after dark. And the first thing I do in an hotel room is to work out how to open the net curtains (and if possible open the window) and let in the light. Why do I want to live in a cave?

Muzak. I detest background music: in shops, pubs, lifts — anywhere, even at home. It is pollution — like busy wallpaper — which just clogs up brain-space to no useful effect. If I want to talk to someone I don’t want to have to shout over muzak to make myself heard. And if I don’t want to talk I want quiet to allow my brain to think and concentrate or just free-cycle and relax. If I want to listen to music I’ll listen to what I choose, when I choose.

Unnecessary formality. Formality, like etiquette, is bogus and unnecessary; designed only to catch out the unwary. Certainly be polite and respectful — with everyone, according to the circumstances. But poncy dressing up and grovelling obsequiousness are not necessary. Why is it so necessary to bow and scrape to royals? Why do we require “gentlemen” (ladies are never mentioned!) to wear a suit in their club or if visiting a Duke or an Earl? They’re human like the rest of us. Isn’t it better to be normal and friendly and relaxed and treat such people as humans? None of which prevents us displaying manners and respect where it is due. If we could all just relax and be ourselves I’m sure the wheels would turn a lot more easily and need a lot less “oil”.

Being expected to take part. Why am I expected to go to things I don’t want to or dislike? This is something which was particularly prevalent at work: the annual dinner/dance; the Christmas booze-up; the annual golf match; whatever. Oh but you have to go; it’s expected. Who expects, no-one ever says. And if I don’t want to go, I’m buggered if I’m going — and no, I don’t have to tell you why I find it so objectionable; just I don’t want to go should be enough and should be respected. And the more you “expect” the less I want to go. Over the years I put more than one manager’s nose out of joint by refusing to go to work social events. If my colleagues and I want to socialise, we will; we can organise it for ourselves.

Lying. Particularly prevalent amongst politicians, adverts, religious — most of whom I’m sure deep down know they’re lying. But it also seems to be a trait of a number of cultures, especially (but not always, and not only) those of the Middle East and Asia: so often they seem to just be telling you what they think you want to hear. People don’t know, so they make it up. They imagine you won’t like the truth so they tell you something untrue (usually to try to sell you something), which I detest even more than a true answer which I happens not to be the one I’d like. Tell me the truth; I’m big enough and old enough to be able to handle it. Doing anything else does you no credit and makes me less likely to endear you to me (and if you’re selling something it’s likely illegal).

People who don’t understand the word “no”. The first rule of selling anything is to understand when the client is saying “no”, respect it and withdraw gracefully. If I say “no” and you persist then (a) you annoy me and (b) you make me even less likely to buy from you in the future. How much you think I’m mistaken in my decision/belief is irrelevant; I’ve said “no” and I mean what I say. If you persist isn’t this essentially attempted rape: rape of the mind?

Thinking about it the preceding few paragraphs boil down to a couple of other things I wrote on my list: thoughtlessness and bad manners which in turn lead to bad service. All of which can be easily avoided through one of my basic tenets: treat others as you would like them to treat you.

But in doing this you need to stay alert. Do not assume I think the same way you do. My morals may be different. My common sense will be different. My world view is almost certainly not yours. And none of those is any less valid, nor less deserving of respect, than yours.

Lastly, I’ll mention something which really gets my goat, sheep, pigs and the rest of the farmyard up in arms. People who don’t think. It is often said (and I believe there is some scientific evidence for this) that 5% of people can think and do; 5% of people actually are unable to think; but the other 90% can think but don’t bother. I do not expect everyone to have the intellect of an Einstein, Stephen Hawking or Bertrand Russell — such would be totally unrealistic. But I do expect people to use what intelligence they do have to the best of their ability. Try. Try hard. Try to understand the implications of your actions; your thoughts. Try to understand why I say/believe what I do. Try to understand why other people make the (often apparently stupid) decisions they do. It’ll make you more use to society. And you might just find it more interesting too.

What gets up your nose?

It’s a pretty safe conclusion that most people we come across (and likely many we don’t) think Noreen and I are Barking — if not a few stations beyond. And, in their world view, they’re probably correct. Because over the years we have come to the conclusion that we’re really not like other people. We’re eccentric — barring that we don’t walk the streets wearing silly hats or clown outfits. Just compare our modus vivendi with that of most “normal” people:

• We don’t have children. We actually made a conscious decision not to!
• Neither of us drives a car. Indeed neither of us has even learnt to drive. But it doesn’t stop us being where we want/need to be.
• We read books; difficult books. We thirst for the knowledge they contain.
• Consequently we have a house full of books, and we’ve read most of them!
• We were taught the basics at school, and taught them so well we remember them.
• We believe what we think is right, not what the tabloid press tell us we should.
• We passionately believe in freedom of speech. We may not agree with you, but we will defend to the death your right to hold and express your views however uncomfortable they may be.
• We don’t have a mortgage. We did have one and we paid it off as soon as we could (like about 7 years early!).
• Neither do we have a bank loan or an overdraft.
• And we pay off our credit card bills in full every month.
• We live in a small terraced house in an unfashionable area of London. We could afford something more prestigious (bigger and in a better area) but we don’t need it so why move?
• We both went to university and have post-graduate qualifications.
• We were taught to think — and we do!
• We don’t wear clothes of any sort in bed and haven’t since we were students and left home.
• We walk naked around the house and even sometimes in the garden. We only don’t do it more because we know it would frighten the horses neighbours. And that’s unfair on them, poor souls.
• We sleep together, in the same bed; we think this is part of what a relationship is all about.
• We talk to each other; about meaningful things like history, literature and science.
• We value money. We didn’t have any as kids. We (try to) look after it now.
• We don’t have a bath or a shower every day. It isn’t necessary. We have a good wash every day and a shower a couple of times a week or if we’ve been getting mucky/sweaty. Think how much water we save!
• We don’t generally take foreign holidays and we don’t fly off places for leisure. (And now we’re retired we don’t have to fly on business.)
• We like this country. It is our heritage. It is rich and fascinating. Even if it could be better.
• We were brought up to take an interest in things around us: history, nature, architecture. And we still do.
• We acquire knowledge. On average we two do as well at University Challenge (“an upmarket TV quiz show, M’lud”) as the student teams of four do.
• We use unusual words, not to sound poncy but because they have specific meanings. Words like: vespiary, peripatetic, antepenultimate, vermifuge, analgesic and decimate.
• We don’t buy new stuff if we don’t need it. If it’s sensible we get things repaired rather than throwing them away at no provocation and buying new.
• On the other hand we know when not to waste time on something which is life-expired and buy a new one.
• We don’t have net curtains. We like daylight and sunshine.
• We open our windows — to let in the fresh air and the birdsong.
• We watch very little television. We never watch soap operas, films, dramas, docudrama, game shows. We watch programmes to be informed, not as an opiate substitute.
• We don’t play golf.
• We don’t follow fashion. We wear what we find comfortable. And we don’t buy new clothes twice a year because the fashion colours have changed.
• We don’t give a toss what the neighbours think although we try not to gratuitously upset them.
• We try to live by two mottoes: “if it harm none, do as you will” and “treat others as you would like them to treat you”.
• Above all, we’re our own people.

Huh!? You mean you still think we’re sane? Oh, bugger!