Category Archives: amusements

amusements, quotes

More Auction Oddities

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Another in our occasional series of highlights from our local auction-room catalogues.  [My comments in italic.]

A portrait of two young children, one wearing a plumed hat, with a cat, English School, probably 19th century …
I think we should be told why the cat is sitting on the hat and not the child’s lap.  Or is it dead and just being used instead of a feather in the child’s hat?

A Victorian Sri Lankan colonial overmantel mirror in rare zebra wood, the shield-shaped central plate beneath a fruit carved cornice, flanked by turned columns and leaf shaped mirrors above small display shelves.
It sounds a complete dog’s breakfast; I just can’t picture it.

An antique style silver collar.
That’s all!  A collar for what?  A coat?  A dog?  A vicar?  Mme Whiplash? – oh, sorry, no, she’s the vicar.

A varied interesting lot containing military buttons, badges and dog tags, and a soldier’s service and pay book (1943), autograph book, the works of William Shakespeare, a pair of wooden barleytwist candlesticks, a bejewelled trinket box in the form of a tortoise, picture frames, mixed coinage, brassware, etc.
You just know as soon as you see “a varied interesting lot” it is going to be a collection of toot, but this one was especially, and probably literally, priceless.

A large plated ‘well and tree’ meat dish, two waiters and a syphon stand.
Are the waiters holding up the syphon stand or vice versa?  Are we sure it’s a syphon stand and not a village pump for extracting the meat juices from the well?

A stuffed kingfisher mounted in a circular frame with domed glass.
Why?

2 crocodile skins, 65 ins and 36 ins long.
Start a new fashion: crocodile skin bedroom rugs.

A 19th century Arab Nimcha sword, the multi-fullered straight blade with steel hilt and angular knuckle guard with tracers of damascening, the grip of rhinoceros horn, 38 ins, remains of scabbard.
It was the “remains of scabbard” that finished me; as if this pile of dust makes everything kosher.

An interesting collection of Carlton Ware comprising a farmyard condiment set of farmhouse mustard with cover, barn pepperette and hayrick salt shaker, on circular stand …
This is the piece de resistance!  I almost went to the sale just to look at this hideous sounding cruet.

amusements

Auction Oddities

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The description of lots in auction catalogues (especially for provincial auctions) always fascinates – nay boggles the mind – as the brevity leads to some very strange outcomes. Here are some of the (recent) best from one of our local auction houses. [My comments in italic.]

A contemporary acrylic on canvas, spring daisies on storks.
The ornithologists have clearly missed this important undiscovered species of large bird.

A large pair of buffalo horns (approx 2m wide) mounted with original hide head piece.
What else would you mount buffalo horns on?  I suppose possibly an Viking helmet?

A 20th century Eccles Minors Safety lamp in brass and white metal, bearing makers label.
Morris Minors, is that?

Wilfred Williams Ball, British school 1853-1917, a mounted and framed watercolour of a Ford alongside a bridge.
I want to know what model of Ford before I bid for this; ‘cos I really hate the Mondeo.

A ladies’ 1950s 9ct gold cased Tudor cocktail watch, having an integral 9ct gold horseshoe link bracelet with ladder clasp
Clearly I’ve missed something in history; I wasn’t aware that the Tudors had watches or cocktails, let alone 20th century reproductions of them.

A Japanese Meiji carved ivory figure of a Geisha holding a fan and parasol wearing a kimono.
Where can I buy a kimono for my parasol?

A Queen Anne style humpback wing armchair, with out-swept arms raised on deep shouldered cabriole legs.
There’s some strange anatomy going on here.  Shoulders with legs?  Cabriole legs at that!

A pair of reconstituted Corinthian columns.
Presumably one buys them in a packet from the supermarket and reconstitutes them with asses milk.

amusements, current affairs, topographical

Unseemly Mess

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So the great British people (well about 65% of them) have spoken through the ballot box.  The outcome reminds me rather of two things:

(a) A small Afghan puppy invented by Frank Muir: What-a-mess

(b) The Victorian hatter’s advert: You may have it cocked up in the latest style.

I’m still predicting a Labour-LibDem minority government with another general election probably next February but may be as early as October/November.

Unedifying.  But that’s democracy.

amusements, books, science

Crocheting Robot Mice

I must share the following; it’s from the “Feedback” column of last week’s (17 April) issue of New Scientist.

We are pleased to see that science is well represented among the contenders for the Diagram prize for the oddest book title of the year. The top titles for 2009 were announced last month by UK magazine The Bookseller, which organises the prize.

Overall winner, with 42 per cent of the 4500 public votes cast, was Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes by Diana Taimina. This beat off competition from Afterthoughts of a Worm Hunter by David Crompton, Governing Lethal Behaviour in Autonomous Robots by Ronald Arkin and The Changing World of Inflammatory Bowel Disease by Ellen Scherl and Maria Dubinski.

The less obviously scientific What Kind of Bean is this Chihuahua? by Tara Jensen-Meyer and Collectible Spoons of the Third Reich by James Yannes came second and third, respectively.

Horace Bent, custodian of the prize at The Bookseller, admitted that his personal favourite had been the spoons book, but went on to acknowledge that: “The public proclivity towards non-Euclidian needlework proved too great for the Third Reich to overcome.”

Philip Stone, the prize administrator, said he thought that “what won it for Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes is that, very simply, the title is completely bonkers.”

The Diagram prize has been running since 1978. Its inaugural winner also had a scientific theme: it was Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice.

The mind boggles at the mere thought of reading almost any of those titles!

amusements, current affairs

Welcome to the Quinquennial Donkey Derby

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So at last they’re not only under starter’s orders but the race for the next parliament has begun. No more jostling at the starting tape, this is for earnest now. And already the mud-slinging has started, albeit in a muted way.

There’s an interesting 10 point guide from the BBC on what to watch for during the race. Watch the race with our indispensable guide …

It really matters this time. So we’re always told. Guess it does matter more this time given the fact that the country is bankrupt.  Or does it matter?  (See “policy” below.)

The TV debates will dominate. Yes, dominate the boredom, most like.

The internet will also dominate. Yes we’ll all die under a welter of email, SMS, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter and other such spheroids. That’s in addition to the usual sheaf of paper stuffed through our letterbox, less than nothing in the papers (no, not even fish & chips; nanny banned them, remember!) and extra drivel on the airwaves.

Slogans will matter less. Did they ever matter more? At all? Mind this could be true; the sound-bite may be less important because lots of people are learning to see through them.

Policy will matter more. Oh, really? You mean any of them have a clue what their policies are? Or how to implement them? And even if they do know, are one lot really much different from the others? Aren’t they all their to feather their own nests?

The battle of the wives. I hear the bottom of a large barrel being scraped. Or are they auditioning for “Sex and the City”? Or to replace Kim and Aggie? Or Nigella Lawson? Someone pass the bucket please.

It could get personal. Delete “could”; insert “will”.

The local factor. It never made much difference before; don’t see why it will now. We’re much more global now; much more knowing about what our masters (tell us) they’re up to. Seems to me that means there’ll be even more voting for the party rather than on local issues.

Lies will be told. This is probably the only certainty here. But wait …

Nobody knows the result. This should be a certainty too. But do fat ladies sing? Will anyone even know the result when the results are in? As the BBC says, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. My money’s on a hung parliament and nothing being able to be done for about 2 years until it all crumbles, by which time the country will be in even deeper doo-doo.

Goggles down for a full house!

amusements, science

Absurb Scientific Papers

Discoblog over on the science channel Discover has reported today a list of 10 absurd scientific papers of 2009 as highlighted in Wired UK magazine.  I list them here for your delectation:

  1. Optimising the sensory characteristics and acceptance of canned cat food: use of a human taste panel
  2. Effects of cocaine on honeybee dance behaviour
  3. Swearing as a response to pain
  4. Pigeons can discriminate “good” and “bad” paintings by children
  5. The “booty call”: a compromise between men’s and women’s ideal mating strategies
  6. Intermittent access to beer promotes binge-like drinking in adolescent but not adult Wistar rats
  7. Fellatio by fruit bats prolongs copulation time
  8. More information than you ever wanted: does Facebook bring out the green-eyed monster of jealousy?
  9. Are full or empty beer bottles sturdier and does their fracture-threshold suffice to break the human skull?
  10. The nature of navel fluff

Can anyone actually explain to me how any one of these papers usefully expands the sum total of human knowledge? No, I thought not.

amusements, books, sexuality, thoughts

Will He Care?

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Quite by accident while undertaking completely different research I happened upon this on Amazon UK earlier today … the Gentleman’s Willy Care Kit …

 

In case it isn’t obvious (why would it be?) the kit is said to comprise: fluffing brush, mirror, medallion, styling shears and the luxury case.

I can’t conceive why I would possibly want one and I must admit to having a good snigger.  After which I’m left with just one question: Why?