Nice one Klaus!
Confusing graffiti on Deutsche Bahn
Graffiti artists in Germany have painted part of a carriage side so that one entrance doorway looks like a wide window and the adjacent wide window looks just like a pair of plug doors! The painting is realistic enough to confuse passengers.
[Railway Magazine; February 2011]
There don’t seem to have been many really strange sounding lots appearing at auction locally in the last few months. But I noticed yesterday that Chiswick Auctions have a sale on 11 January. Looking at the catalogue I see that the sale includes 17 lots of memorabilia which belonged to Ronnie and/or Reggie Kray including things like signed photographs and boxing gloves. So far so normal. But the pièce de résistance has to be Lot 256:
“256. Calling Damien Hirst, Ronnie Kray’s false teeth, contained in a Broadmoor brown envelope. Provenance: A close family friend.”
Maybe I should go and buy them as a birthday present to myself?!
One of the things I keep half an eye out for is humorous news headlines, especially on the BBC News website. Here are a few of this years favourites (all except the last from the BBC).
Camper, 55, is airlifted off peak
What would the peak period fare have cost him?
Paper boy praised for saving pensioner
How do you get the pensioner in your piggy bank?
Hogmanay bells ring in new babies
I do hope the bells are surgically removed, or is this the cause of Scots’ short life expectancy?
The Flashier the Tit, the Stronger the Sperm
Say no more!
Thanks to Diamond Geezer for the following, which I just have to share in its entirety!
1 And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto Nazareth to have a chat to a virgin, and the virgin’s name was Mary.
2 And the angel came unto her and said, “Fear not, for thou shalt conceive in thy womb and bring forth a Son, and shalt call His name JESUS.”
3 Then said Mary unto the angel, “Oh, for heavens sake. I’m a responsible eco-protester and I’ve made a conscious decision not to bring a child into the world. An extra mouth will burn up valuable resources that the Earth can ill afford. Think of all the carbon dioxide He’ll breathe out, and all the fossil fuels He’ll burn, and all the nappies He’ll soil, and all the mobile phone chargers He’ll leave on stand-by. Not to mention all the offspring He’ll probably beget. I’m being impregnated against my will, and it’s our planet that will suffer. Tell God I’d rather not, there’s a good angel.”
4 And the angel answered and said unto her, “Tough.”
5 And it came to pass in those days that there went out a decree that all local hospitals should be shut down. And the accountants saw that it was good.
6 “Bugger,” said Joseph. “My espoused wife is great with child, but the nearest birthing facility is 70 miles away. And public transport is so very unreliable these days, and all the cheap fares were snapped up month ago. Verily my eco-conscience doesn’t permit me to take the car. Where’s that ass?”
7 So they went up from Galilee on the back of a donkey – which is not ideal for a girl in Mary’s condition – unto the City of David which is called Bethlehem.
8 And so it was that while they were there, the days were accomplished that Mary should be delivered. But it turned out that the hospital was full, having exceeded its annual budgetary target, so she might as well have stayed at home and given birth in the garage.
9 And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in ethnic import swaddling clothes from the Oxfam shop, and laid Him in a manger.
10 And Mary said “Here I am surrounded by animals and straw, and not an epidural in sight. This must be as environmentally-friendly a birth as anyone could ever have, not that the wider world has noticed. It’s a damned shame that the media aren’t here to promote this ultra-green lifestyle to other pregnant women. But I guess my story will just have to remain untold.”
11 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And they were doing a bit of knitting, like shepherds do, yea even their teatowel headgear was sustainably generated.
12 And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid.
13 “We are sore afraid,” they said. “Have you any idea how much energy you’re wasting with all this ostentatious glory-shining? You could at least tone it down a bit using a low-energy halo.”
14 And the angel said unto them, “Fear not, for behold this halo is a low output, flicker free, non-stroboscopic Compact Fluorescent Integrated Glow-Ring. For God phased out all the filament haloes in the heavenly firmament long ago.”
15 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, and LED-based illumination toward men!”
16 “For unto you is born this day a Saviour, who is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the Babe round the back of a pub wearing His Mum’s cast-offs. Take Him some cute knitted bootees as a gift, won’t you?”
17 And it came to pass, when the angels were gone away, the shepherds said one to another, “Bunch of megalomaniac weirdoes. We’re going nowhere.”
18 Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem, there came three air passengers from the East to Jerusalem saying, “Where is He that is born King of the Jews? For we have flown Star Alliance (first class) and have come to worship Him. Sorry we’re a bit late, there was this ash cloud.”
19 When Herod the king had heard these things he was troubled. “If our little town gets too popular with tourists we may need to build a third runway, possibly in the middle of the Sea of Galilee, and imagine all the noise and air pollution that would cause.”
20 And he sent them to Bethlehem and said, “Go and search diligently for the young child, and when ye have found Him, bring me word again, that I may come and murder Him, oops, I wasn’t supposed to say that bit out loud.”
21 When they had heard the king, they departed via a connecting flight; and lo, a vapour trail went behind them until it spread over where the young Child lay.
22 And when they had exited the terminal, they got a taxi to see the young Child with Mary His mother. And she was appalled at the unnecessary length of their travels, and demanded that they offset their carbon forthwith.
23 So they presented duty free treasures of sustainable gold and locally-sourced frankincense and 100% organic myrrh, which pleased Mary no end.
24 And then they departed into their own country, by public transport, naturally.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Here’s this week’s selection.
It is quite likely that one day all the food in the world will be Chinese. And so will all the people.
[Giles Coren]Lesson one: you just have to try something on. You really do – to experience the intense charge between a woman and her clothes.
[Lisa Armstrong]What really tells you what you should be when you grow up is what you can’t NOT do.
[Emily Nagoski]I believe in an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.
[Arthur Hays Sulzberger]I’m not promiscuous. I just really like women.
[Julian Assange]
And I leave you with euphemism of the week:
“worrying fiscal dynamics” = we’re spending too much
Happy Christmas everyone!
Reading Redlegs in Soho yesterday has reminded me that, although I’m not a fan of making resolutions, a few seasonal wishes for the coming year might be in order (just don’t invoice me until January, OK?). We can all wish for the big things, like world peace, and for our own selfish wants (a big lottery win), so we’ll skip those and concentrate on things to improve society or make life more interesting. So here’s my selection:
So what would your list be?
Two, totally unrelated, oddities that have impinged on my eyes today. The first is from BBC News:
Abbey Road zebra crossing from Beatles cover listed
This seems to be a nonsense. How do you list a zebra crossing? What is being listed? What is there now is not the same crossing as when the Beatles created Abbey Road: the road has been resurfaced, the zebra stripes repainted and zig-zigs added. Or is there to be an archaeological excavation to see if the Beatles’ era road surface remains? Or is the current road never to be resurfaced or repainted?
Secondly …
Mutant Mouse Chirps Like a Bird
“It’s furry like a mouse but sings like a bird […] It’s a mutant mouse developed by the genetic engineers at the University of Osaka that is able to tweet and chip like a bird, instead of a mouse’s normal squeak […] The research group currently has over a hundred singing mice […] it seems that they use their chirp in different ways than normal mice use their squeaks. The more conventional squeaks are used when a mouse is stressed, while the singing mouse seems to use its chirp in different environments, including in the presence of mates.”
Douglas Adams thou shouldst be living at this time!
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls.
And Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.” And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.”
And the Lord said, “I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
I’ve today spotted the following on PubMed. The mind boggles!
Removal of a Long PVC Pipe Strangulated in the Penis by Hot-Melt Method.
Jiatao J, Bin X, Huamao Y, Jianguo H, Bing L, Yinghao S.
Department of Urology, Changhai Hospital, […] China.Abstract
Introduction. Penile incarceration for erotic or autoerotic purposes has been reported in a wide range of age groups, and often presents a significant challenge to urologic surgeons. No ready method has been reported for removing a polyvinylchloride (PVC) pipe entrapped on the penis. Aim. To present our experience in using hot-melt method to remove a constricted PVC pipe on the penis. Methods. A long melting split was made on the PVC pipe entrapped on the penis by using the long narrow branch of forceps heated on a gas stove. Results. The heated forceps was able to make a melt split on the PVC pipe. Consequently, the PVC pipe was removed by pulling the edges of the pipe apart without much difficulty. The total operation time was 20 minutes. Conclusion. Penile incarceration is a urologic emergency, for which resourcefulness is required in some unexpected cases. Hot-melting has proved to be an easy and effective method for removing penile strangulation by a PVC pipe. To our knowledge, it is the first report about the removal of PVC pipe entrapped on a penis.
When I post these quotes it shouldn’t be assumed that they are new to me. Very often they are quotes I have know (even if only vaguely) for some while, but which I have stumbled across during the week and wished to (re) record. For instance the first two of this week’s selection have been useful on many occasions over the years.
Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony […] You can’t expect to wield supreme power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! […] I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would put me away!
[Monty Python and the Holy Grail]Why do the nations so furiously rage together, and why do the people imagine a vain thing? The kings of the earth rise up, and the rulers take counsel together.
[Psalms 2:1-2; Handel, Messiah]If we could gather all the electric eels from all around the world, we would be able to light up an unimaginably large Christmas tree.
[Kazuhiko Minawa, Enoshima Aquarium, Japan; seeYou don’t get to choose how you’re going to die, or when. You can only decide how you’re going to live now.
[Joan Baez]