This is the result of typical dinner table conversation chez nous:
The Paston’s pissed pastor passed the poster in the postern.
or to possibly over-egg the pudding:
The Paston’s pissed pastor passed the pasta poster in the passage to the postern.
Maybe I should be worried?
This week’s Listography is all about inventions. Specifically Inventions I Wish Were Real. Kate seems to think it’s easy. Huh?! No, I found this quite hard actually. But here are my five choices:
A Self-Cleaning House. Yep this was Kate’s first choice and I’ll go along with her on this. In fact I’d suggest that everything should be self-cleaning. Nothing (including us!) should be allowed on the market unless proven to be fully and properly self-cleaning. Instant improvement in just about everything.
An Off-Switch for Kids. I’ll go along with Kate’s second choice too. There has to be some way of silencing the plethora of screaming, whinging brats which infest everywhere. And while we’re at it let’s have an off-switch for the screaming and shouting parents too.
Zero Calorie Yummy Food. I like my food. I eat too much of it. So I get fat, very fat. We need a way to remove the calories from food without removing any of the texture, flavour, appearance and overall attractiveness of the food. Instant diet. What’s not to like?
Money Tree. Sorry, Kate, you can’t have the only one — I demand one as well. Why shouldn’t money grow on trees. Not just anyone’s trees. My trees. A guaranteed lottery win every week. Now that would change everything! Easy. Deliver me three today. Thank you.
Magic Carpets. Finally I want a magic carpet. Well better have several so I’m never without when they need servicing. Everyone should have a magic carpet. I’m not greedy. I don’t ask for teleportation. But a magic carpet that can transport you from anywhere here to anywhere there in no more than an hour. And without all the cost, effort and hassle of airports, check-in, buying tickets, hours on a plane or in a car or coach. Just be there in under and hour. You still get some fun from the travel with a fairly minimal investment of time.
And I haven’t even got round to thinking about instantly refreshing sleep, elastic walls to houses, the pause knob for time and non-puking cats.
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This has to be the most hilarious and ridiculous thing I’ve seen in ages. Ensure you’re sitting down and not drinking anything …
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDiXPx2OqPI&w=560&h=349]
I just came across this on the intertubes, and I thought of several of my poor benighted readers. 🙂
And now for something a little different …
Parody of Longfellow’s Hiawatha
George A StrongHe killed the noble Mudjokivis.
Of the skin he made him mittens,
Made them with the fur side inside,
Made them with the skin side outside.
He, to get the warm side inside,
Put the cold side skin side outside.
He, to get the cold side outside,
Put the warm side fur side inside.
That’s why he put the fur side inside,
Why he put the skin side outside,
Why he turned them inside outside.
For the cat lovers amongst you …
Hamlet’s Cat’s Soliloquy
To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether ’tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock’s bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare
Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal’s opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there’s the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob.
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household’s petty plagues,
The cook’s well-practiced kicks, the butler’s broom,
The infant’s careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor’s yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans’ faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.
Our irregular selection of oddities and curiosities from the catalogues of two of our local auction rooms. There’s enough of this that I’m not going to comment … just look at the oddities, curious juxtapositions, alternative interpretations and the (non-)logic of the descriptions. Like, why do I care, and how do you know, what the artist was wearing; why would a bird be sitting on a fish; or what sort of fruit grow on small children?
One does wonder who would give any of this stuff house-room. Quite worrying, really.