Zen Mischievous Moments #125

The following has been nominated as the world’s best short joke of the year:

A three-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom”, he asked, “Are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.

[With thanks to Sue Frye]

Parakeets under threat?

According to yesterday’s BBC news the UK’s Department for Environment Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) has commissioned a study to look at the problem (what problem?) of increasing numbers of Rose-Ringed Parakeets in Britain. There is now a large population (estimated at 30,000) of these handsome bright-green birds around the southern and western fringes of London and into Surrey with enclaves building elsewhere in the country. No-one is sure exactly how they birds arrived here, about 50-60 years ago; there are a number of competing theories none of which has been substantiated.

It seems Defra and the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB) are worried that the parakeets will start out-competing native songbirds for food and nest sites and possibly, as their numbers increase, cause economic damage to fruit crops. However the RSPB website does admit that there is currently not a problem and that the birds have protected status; but it is reported that the RSPB is prepared to consider culling the parakeets, they say only as a very last resort.

These are wonderful, colourful and cheeky birds – albeit they can be a bit noisy and they’re not native to the UK (they come from the Himalayan foothills in India). Although I don’t see them often in my part of west London (not enough really big trees nearby, despite it is quite a green area) they do pass through my garden a handful of times a year. Personally I would be sad to see them disappear or even be culled.

Two BBC News stories: Parakeet ‘threat’ to native birds and How do parakeets survive in the UK?

Sisyphus Rolls His Jelly

Earlier today I was on a conference call trying – in vain – to get a supplier to commit to completing a piece of work by the date I need it. I’ve worked with this supplier before: they bob and weave to avoid dates, and when they can’t they (or to be fair often their suppliers) ignore them. I often liken getting things done under such circumstances to rolling jelly uphill through treacle with a toothpick. Which explains the little ditty I jotted down after today’s call:

The mountains of treacle
Grow up to the skies;
The mouldings of jelly
Grow fat in pigsties;
But my toothpicks, my toothpicks,
Stay tiny and slight,
No wonder my job
It is stressful and shite.

I might improve it, but it’ll do for a start. 🙂

Are you an eccentric?

This quiz measures eccentricity compared with the normality of Joe Public. Do not confuse eccentricity with a lack of inhibition. Also eccentricity has no relationship to social class or gender; true eccentrics can come from any social class.

Answer the following questions. You have to be scrupulously honest in your self-assessments. You could even get your partner or friends to score you as a check – or just for fun!

Score one for each YES answer.

  1. You don’t/won’t/haven’t had children because you’ve deliberately decided not to.
  2. You don’t have a car/motorbike.
  3. You can’t drive a car/motorbike.
  4. You regularly read books; difficult books not pulp fiction.
  5. You have more than 250 books in the house.
  6. You decide what you believe regardless of what the media/government says.
  7. You passionately believe in freedom of speech. (You may not agree with someone else’s view but you will defend to the death their right to hold and express that view however uncomfortable it may be.)
  8. You do not have a mortgage.
  9. You do not have a bank loan or overdraft of any sort (and have not had one in the last 3 years).
  10. You pay off your credit cards in full every month.
  11. You live in the smallest house that you need, rather than the largest you can afford.
  12. You grow some of your own fruit and veg.
  13. You were taught to think for yourself and make up your own mind and you still do.
  14. You sleep in the nude.
  15. You regularly walk around your house in the nude. Have an extra point if you regularly go nude in your garden.
  16. You sleep in the same bed as your partner every night.
  17. You talk to your partner about meaningful things like history, literature and your beliefs.
  18. You value your money; you don’t spend money you don’t have; you regularly save a significant part of your income.
  19. You have no more than two baths or showers a week.
  20. You don’t take foreign holidays.
  21. You don’t fly places as a leisure activity.
  22. You regularly eat food in strange combinations, or a peculiar order, because that’s what you like (eg. celery, strawberry jam and Marmite sandwiches; pudding before main course). Have an extra point if you’ve ever done this in a restaurant rather than at home.
  23. You do whatever you like/enjoy rather than what you think others expect of you and regardless of what they may think.
  24. You enjoy this country as our heritage.
  25. You take an interest in things around you like nature, history, architecture.
  26. You can name 3 or more breeds of these farm animals: one point for each of cow, pig, sheep, chicken.
  27. You do as well at University Challenge as the student teams do.
  28. You know and use unusual words like: antediluvian, peripatetic, antepenultimate, opiate, apiary, verisimilitude, febrile. (If you don’t know what all these mean you don’t score; definitions below.)
  29. You try to get things repaired before you succumb to buying a new one.
  30. You don’t have net curtains at your windows.
  31. You can draw, paint, sculpt or embroider and do it regularly for pleasure.
  32. You never watch soap operas or game shows on television.
  33. You don’t play golf.
  34. You ignore fashion and buy new clothes when you need them, not just because the season’s colours have changed.
  35. You don’t buy gadgets or boys’ toys.
  36. You wear a hat as part of your normal street attire. (Baseball caps, motorbike/cycle helmets, turbans and hoodies don’t count.)
  37. You keep an unusual pet. (Dogs, cats, fish, snakes, rodents, chickens, canaries don’t count. Parrots, llamas, goats, monkeys, Michael Jackson do count.)
  38. You spend less than £100 on your partner (or if single each of your children, nieces, nephews as appropriate) at Christmas even though you could afford to spend more.
  39. There is one unusual thing about you which makes you stand out. For instance: you are habitually known by an unusual nickname (Ripples, Binki); you always wear fluorescent green eye shadow; you always carry a gent’s umbrella in your rucksack. (Tattoos, piercings and dyed hair don’t count.)
  40. You habitually turn down free food, free gifts and “bargains” because they are not things you want/need.
  41. You have a pre-1960 car which you still use for everyday travel.
  42. You have retained a childhood/youthful interest long past what is generally deemed an appropriate age (eg. you’re still youth hosteling or camping in your 60s). (Score 2 points if you can honestly say you have more than one.)
  43. You have an unusual hobby like breeding daffodils, bellringing, playing church organs or learning Cornish. (Score 2 points if you can honestly say you have more than one.)

Scoring
Score one point for each YES answer; the maximum score is 50.
43-50 A true eccentric’s eccentric. One of the best.
32-42 Definitely eccentric. You’re the sort of person of whom it is said “They’re mad”.
20-31 You have the potential to be eccentric but you need to sharpen your skills,
0-20 Boringly normal.


Word definitions
antediluvian. Occurring or belonging to the era before the Biblical Flood. Extremely old and antiquated.
peripatetic. Walking about or from place to place; traveling on foot. One who does a job which takes them from place to place.
antepenultimate. Coming before the next to the last in a series.
opiate. A sedative narcotic containing opium or one of its derivatives. Something that dulls the senses and induces relaxation or torpor.
apiary. A place where bees and beehives are kept, especially a place where bees are raised for their honey
verisimilitude. The quality of appearing to be true or real.
febrile. Feverish (as in when you have ‘flu).


Oh and just for fun I measured 39 on this scale.

Twittering about New Technologies

The other day I came across a new (to me, anyway) expression: “declarative living”. You can find a quick explanation of it on Squidoo. The example of this to which I was introduced by Kelly is Twitter.

Let’s say it again: “declarative living”. I’m sad to say I’ve never heard so many round things in my life. And me who is so often a second-wave early adopter of new technology too. I really cannot see the point, with a passion. Please someone explain to me the purpose of living in the pockets of someone the other side of the globe who I’ve never met (and likely never will meet) 24/7?

It seems to me this is all about depersonalising and dumbing down everything — the modern opium for the masses — and selling us crap we don’t want or need to keep us occupied and not thinking or meddling with what the “great and the good” want to get up to next. (Iran, anyone?) It is false progress. [There’s a whole new topic on “false stuff”, but that’s for some other time.]

What worries me (possibly even more) is that in the last few months I seem to be turning into a Luddite like my father before me. Only father (who died last year at the age of 86) started being a Luddite before the age of colour TV. [How he never had apoplexy I don’t know as I discovered going through his papers after he died that he had belonged to an organisation against the introduction of digital computers — and this back in about 1970! Then I went on take my career in IT.]

Don’t get me wrong. I love things like flickr, weblogs, conferencing (ah the good old days of bulletin boards; been there since before PC was born!) and IM. I just don’t get this “let’s wear our whole lives on our sleeves all the time” stuff. I mean, why am I interested in real time that Kelly is cooking spaghetti or looking for her boots? Why would anyone be interested except Kelly and maybe the dog? Where does all this stop and privacy start?

But debating this with Kelly and others on her Kellypuffs weblog has made me think more about this. Indeed that is the good thing about the passion being expressed: it does make us think about what we are doing, what we really believe in and what is actually important. And each one of us will come up with different answers to those questions — none of which are intrinsically right or wrong; they’re just right or wrong for us at this time.

I guess where I’m really at is: just because we can do it, doesn’t mean it is worth doing or that we should do it. Developing the technologies may be an interesting (even useful) research exercise, but that doesn’t mean it has to/should be unleashed on the great unwashed as if it were the next best thing to sliced bread.

For me it would be more to the point if the effort the IT industry is putting into all this pseudo-progress-stuff was focused into something actually useful for humanity rather than just generating more CO2 to no purpose.

Friday Five: Plague

1. How are you feeling?
Grumpy. I’ve had this horrid fluey coldy virus on and off since last November (see here); can’t shake it off. Now on the second round of antibiotics in the hope they’ll kill off the edges so I can kill off the rest.

2. When is the last time you went to the doctor?
Yesterday. See above. But then as I have type II diabetes I get checked up on by the medics far too often.

3. Ever broken a bone?
Nope, but come pretty close a couple or three times.

4. Ever had surgery?
Yes, several times, tho’ nothing horrid or really major: appendectomy, sinus operation, arthroscopy on both knees (at different times), bladder exam, fingernail removal, vasectomy. Didn’t enjoy the appendectomy ‘cos it was a long time ago and anaesthetics weren’t so good so I felt grim afterwards. Most of the others have been interesting experiences though. Now how sad is that?! 🙂

5. When is the last time you were in a hospital?
Last August when I had a fingernail permanently removed, although it was only day-care and under (heavy) local anaesthetic.

[Brought to you courtesy of Friday Fiver]

Monty Python


Wat Tyler Country Park, Essex, originally uploaded by Whipper_snapper.

Weird. Very Monty Python. It suggests a whole new set of meanings for that lovely piece from Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony … You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! … I mean, if I went around sayin’ I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they’d put me away!

Books We Never Finish

There was a news item on Monday about the books which people start and never manage to finish. The actual survey itself covered both fiction and non-fiction, but the way it was presented on breakfast time TV anyone would think that there was only fiction. Anyway, why does it matter if one never finished a book? Why the fetish that starting a book means you have to plough on to the bitter end. I don’t read a lot of fiction these days (yes, I know I should) and many of the non-fiction books I do read I never do finish – many of them I never start properly either but dip into them, and again, and again, which works for me and is I think just as valuable.

Anyway what books have you started, never to finish? I’d be interested to know. Here are a few of mine:

  • JRR Tolkien, The Hobbit. Don’t think I ever got past page 2.
  • JRR Tolkien, Lord of the Rings. I once managed to get as far as page 50 in something like four attempts.
  • Mervyn Peake, Titus Alone. Final volume of the Gormenghast trilogy. I gave up half way through as it was just too depressing and I couldn’t face any more.
  • Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace. That old favourite of never finished books. Admittedly I was trying to read it at age 14.
  • James Joyce, Ulysses. Another favourite of the never finished. I read most of it but found the last part tedious in the extreme, but again I was reading it in my teens.
  • DH Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Another I tried reading in my teens and found so deadly boring.
  • Salman Rushdie, Satanic Verses. Another favourite of the never finished list which I bought because I object to being told what I can/can’t read. I don’t think I got as far as page 20.

Some of these appear on the “official” list. And they are the only ones from the list I’ve even tried reading, with the exception of Lynne Truss’s Eats, Shoots and Leaves which I only ever dipped into and found boring.

Here’s the BBC News report with the top 10 fiction and non-fiction lists.