medical, science, thoughts

Sleeping with Your Partner

Just a quick follow up to my post of the other day about the keys to a robust relationship and especially the one about sharing a bed.

Quite serendipitously the same day I happened across a reference to an article in The Wall Street Journal reporting on research which shows that there really are benefits to sharing a bed. For instance:

While the science is in the early stages, one hypothesis suggests that by promoting feelings of safety and security, shared sleep in healthy relationships may lower levels of cortisol, a stress hormone. Sharing a bed may also reduce cytokines, involved in inflammation, and boost oxytocin, the so-called love hormone that is known to ease anxiety and is produced in the same part of the brain responsible for the sleep-wake cycle. So even though sharing a bed may make people move more, “the psychological benefits we get having closeness at night trump the objective costs of sleeping with a partner”.

It’s nice to have some scientific support for my thoughts. ☺

photography

Buggered Britain 11

Another in my occasional series documenting some of the underbelly of Britain. Britain which we wouldn’t like visitors to see and which we wish wasn’t there. The trash, abused, decaying, destitute and otherwise buggered parts of our environment. Those parts which symbolise the current economic malaise; parts which, were the country flourishing, wouldn’t be there, would be better cared for, or made less inconvenient.

Buggered Britain 11

This delight is in Kingly Street, London, W1 at the back of the shops in iconic Regent Street. I have no clue if it is used or if so what for. Is it some night-dive? Or the goods entrance to one of the Regent Street Shops (unlikely; the road is pedestrianised)? Or a staff entrance? Why the padded doors, and fancy gates? Oh and note the tuft of grass on the top of the gatepost!
[Further research reveals that this is the Studio Valbonne nightclub. The state of the entrance is a fairly good guide to the reviews it gets.]

personal, ramblings

Things What I Want To Do

No not another of those lists of 100 impossible things you’re supposed to (want to) do before you die; there’s one of them on my website already. No, this is an actual, real list!

I don’t know how many years ago it was that I first made myself a list of things I wanted to do/achieve in this life, but it was well over 10 years ago although at that time I hadn’t formalised it. Interestingly it doesn’t seem to have changed a lot over the years although I do add odd things.

And I never called it “Things to do Before I Die” but “Sometime I’ll Do …” which somehow seemed less doom-laden and more aspirational.

I’ve achieved (✔) quite a few (though not yet 50%) and I know I’ve failed (✖) on a handful.

Out of interest I thought I would share my list. It probably says some highly significant and interesting things about me! So …

Sometime I’ll Do …

  • Lead a funeral celebration (not my own!) ✔
  • Celebrate my 80th birthday in good health
  • Celebrate my mother’s 100th birthday with her
  • Fly on Concorde ✖
  • Fly on flight-deck of a commercial airliner
  • Have acupuncture
  • Be honoured for something
  • Have hypnotherapy ✔
  • Get a piercing ✔
  • Get a tattoo
  • Go on London Eye ✔
  • Have a nudist holiday
  • Heal my father and his rift with his family ✖
  • Invest in penny shares (not that I need to; the value of what I do have is so low!)
  • Learn to dowse ✔
  • Learn MS Access
  • Learn Photoshop properly
  • Try yoga
  • Practice dowsing properly
  • Publish a book on Anthony Powell
  • Retire ✔
  • Retire in financial comfort ✖
  • Reunite with my Aunt & Uncle (my father’s siblings) ✔
  • Travel on Eurostar ✔

  • Travel across Europe on the Orient Express
  • Try zazen
  • Visit Bluebell Railway
  • Visit Iceland
  • Visit Japan
  • Visit Norway
  • Visit Romney, Hythe & Dymchurch Railway ✔
  • Visit Scilly Isles
  • Visit Sweden
  • Visit USA ✔
  • Visit West Somerset Railway
  • Visit the London Aquarium ✔
  • Win £1M+ on Lottery (or equivalent)
  • Write a book ✔
  • Do past life regression under hypnotherapy
  • Prove my family history back to Tudor times and find an armigerous ancestor

Some things are dependent on others: like there is no way I’ll be able to afford the Orient Express unless I win the Lottery first. And I won’t visit Iceland, Norway or Japan until they change their stance on whaling. Some of the things are unlikely to ever happen and some are out of my control. But one can dream, and I guess at least some part of this is just about dreams!

Dare you share your list?

words

Word : Armigerous

Well as we all like words so much here’s another nice one following along hot on the heels of the last …

Armigerous

Entitled to bear heraldic arms.

As de Quincy writes in 1858: “They belonged to the armigerous part of the population, and were entitled to write themselves Esquire”.

For those interested the shield on the right is the arms of England, 1405-1603, consisting of France Moderne (Azure three fleur-de-lis Or) quartered with England (Gules three lions passant guardant in pale Or armed and langued azure). It is formally blazoned as: Quarterly, I and IV azure three fleur-de-lis Or; II and III gules three lions passant guardant in pale Or armed and langued azure.

personal, ramblings, sexuality, thoughts

Keys to a Robust Relationship

I’ve been thinking, idly, as one does, for some time about what it is that makes any relationship really robust. Not just one that will last, but one that will last through almost everything and get stronger.

First of all we need to be clear about what I mean by “relationship”. In this instance I am talking of the long-term, bonded, probably sexual, live together partnership between two (or more) people — and regardless of the mix of genders of the partners.

So I’ve come up with …

5 Keys to a Robust Relationship

1. Multi-level
It seems to me, as outlined on my website, that the best relationships operate at multiple levels with the partners dropping in and out of different roles at different times. Sometimes it will be lover-lover, sometimes parent-child (for instance when one partner is ill, or in fun), sometimes there will be child-child playtime. And so on.

Many things seem to spring from this. The more levels there are present the stronger the relationship is likely to be, although not all levels may be there all the time. Occasionally a level will go missing, and that may be when things feel out of kilter. That’s fine as long as it returns after a while. And where a relationship is in trouble it is often because too many of the levels are absent for too long. Having a relationship which works only as lover-lover may be good for short-term lust but is unlikely to work long-term.

2. On-going Intimate Communication
There’s an old adage I came across in business: Communicate, communicate, communicate. I wish more people would take it to heart, in business and in personal life.

Ongoing intimate communication between partners is essential for a healthy relationship. And by intimate I don’t mean just about sex (though that is a highly important element) but communication about anything which is given in an open, honest, frank, straightforward and non-judgemental way — and is properly listened to, and considered, by the receiving partner. This builds respect and trust between the partners. Trust that the important things are being shared; trust that each partner can accept the other as they are; trust that any problem, great or small, can be discussed and worked through. Respect for the other person’s opinion and values, even if you don’t agree with them.

3. Mutual Trust and Respect
Trust and respect have to be built, preferably early on in the relationship. As we’ve seen above, communication is one key aspect of this. Openness and honesty are essential. It almost boils down to “do what you say and say what you do”. Certainly keep your commitments (unless there is really good reason you can’t in which case explain, honestly, as soon as possible beforehand why you can’t).

Respect the other person’s opinions and values, even if you yourself are unable to agree with them. We each hold our opinions and values for a reason (which we may not know) so they have an importance to us. So don’t attack them or ridicule them. Discuss them by all means, in a civilised way, but accept that you may not come to mutual agreement, just mutual understanding of each others’ views.

As that builds, early in the relationship, it should become apparent that you could trust your partner with your last shirt or your best mate. If you can’t maybe you shouldn’t be in the relationship?

4. Shared Bed
In my view sharing a bed is an equally key element of a relationship. You are going to spend 30%+ of your time in there so make sure it is a comfortable bed, which is big enough and soft (or hard) enough.

Physical intimacy is important. That doesn’t mean it has to be sexual. A lot of the time it will not be sexual. Just the proximity of your partner should be something you cherish, something comforting. However miserable or depressed you feel, or however much you are out of sorts with each other, it is hard to fall asleep together without making up.

Even after many years together what better than to fall asleep embracing, to wake in the middle of the night to stroke your (sleeping) partner’s body, to wake in the morning and cuddle into consciousness?

And if you can sleep in the nude, well it gets even better. Get a warm(-enough) duvet so you don’t need pyjamas, knickers or socks and enjoy the delight of lying skin-to-skin.

5. Shared Meals
To me shared meals are also an important factor. If you are both working they may be the only time you get to sit and talk together, or as a family. For us evening meal is sacrosanct time. Time when we eat together, at the dining table, without the TV, book or computer game. Time to enjoy food and to talk. When we were both working it was often the only hour of the day when we could guarantee we were together, not pre-occupied and awake enough to be sentient. Thus it becomes important communication time and important decision-making time — we often sit for some while after finishing eating just talking, about whatever the subject at hand is: do we need to take the cat to the vet; shall I go to that conference next month; should we buy a new freezer; shall we have another bottle of wine.

Having said that, it is important to remember that meals are primarily about food, and enjoying food. What better way than to do this together, with a bottle of wine. And we often discuss food while we eat: ideas for recipes, what do we fancy eating at the weekend, does the wine rack need restocking. Most importantly of all, being together and enjoying food.

So there we have it. Five keys to a robust relationship, which boil down to communication, trust & respect and enjoyment.

Every relationship still has to be continually worked at. And each relationship will be different; working in its own peculiar way. Nonetheless I feel these principles will be the essence of any worthwhile, long-term successful relationship.

They certainly seem to be working for us!

words

Word : Malkin

We’ve not had a good word for a while, and I do like a good word! So today I give you:

Malkin or Mawkin

1. A familiar diminutive of Matilda, Maud.
2. (Obsolete) Used as a female personal name; applied typically to a woman of the lower classes.
3. The proper name of a female spectre or demon.
4. An untidy female, especially a servant or country wench; a slut or slattern; a lewd woman. [See, inter alia, Shakespeare’s Coriolanus]
5. (Obsolete) An effeminate man.
6. (Obsolete) A mop; a bundle of rags fastened to the end of a stick especially as used to clean out a baker’s oven.
7. (Nautical) A sponge on a stick for cleaning out a piece of ordnance.
8. (Obsolete) A scarecrow; a ragged puppet or grotesque effigy.
9. The name for certain animals, especially a cat and (in Northern and Scots English) a hare.

quotes

Quotes : Philosophy

I seem to have accumulated a number of philosophical-type quotes recently. So here’s today’s selection of brain-fodder:

The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking.
[AA Milne]

Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man’s original virtue. It is through disobedience and rebellion that progress has been made.
[Oscar Wilde]

Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize till you have tried to make it precise.
[Bertrand Russell]

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
[Franklin P Jones]

Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed. Everything else is public relations.
[George Orwell]

The thing about smart people is that they seem like crazy people to dumb people.
[unknown]

Agree? Well maybe not with all of them? But one can see where the authors are coming from. And they’re food for thought nonetheless.

photography

Gallery : Family

After what seems like a long break Tara’s weekly Gallery is back and the theme is Family.

Hmm, this is quite difficult for me. I’d don’t have a lot of very close family and while my parents and I have always taken photographs we aren’t much ones of taking snaps of each other. Indeed my father hated being photographed so I have only one or two photos of him in his last 20 years! My mother isn’t much better.

But anyway here are some photos of my mother.

I don’t know who took this first shot (probably my father), but I would guess it must date from the late-40s (before I was born) or maybe as late as the late-50s; my mother can’t remember either. It could be any bit of English seaside but is likely to be the Kent or Sussex coast, possibly Rye or the Whitstable/Herne Bay area.

Dora

The second shot would have been taken (again by my father) around 1960-61 when I would have been 9 or 10. Yes this shot really is over 50 years old! We were on a having a camping holiday at a nudist club — see I keep telling you I had a Bohemian upbringing! I recall it as a furiously hot fortnight, so my mother is watering me in an attempt to keep cool!

[And before anyone thinks to complain, there’s nothing here you wouldn’t see on the beach these days, or in the gym changing room! Or as Noreen’s godfather would have said “If you seen anything God didn’t make, heave a brick at it”.]

Oh for such carefree childhood days again!

The final; shot is one I took of my mother last summer, as she approached her 96th birthday!

[31/52] Mother at Nearly 96

We were sitting in the gardens of her care home, enjoying some rare English summer sunshine. Noreen is in the background.

current affairs, quotes

Greecing History

Well, well, well. This blog gets more and more like the 38 bus. Nothing for ages and then three come along at once. But to the point …

There was a super article in the comment columns of the Daily Telegraph written by Mayor of London, Boris Johnson: Dithering Europe is heading for the democratic dark ages.

Whether you like the guy, or whether you think he’s a dangerous buffoon, the article is extremely well written. He makes his case that “A Greek economy run by Brussels will ignore the lessons of history, leading to more misery“.

But it also contains some lovely touches. Just his opening sentences are a masterpiece:

It is one of the tragic delusions of the human race that we believe in the inevitability of progress. We look around us, and we seem to see a glorious affirmation that our ruthless species of homo is getting ever more sapiens. We see ice cream Snickers bars and in vitro babies and beautiful electronic pads on which you can paint with your fingertip and – by heaven – suitcases with wheels! Think of it: we managed to put a man on the moon about 35 years before we came up with wheelie-suitcases; and yet here they are.

He goes on:

Aren’t they grand? […] Isn’t that what history teaches us, that humanity is engaged in a remorseless ascent?

On the contrary: history teaches us that the tide can suddenly and inexplicably go out, and that things can lurch backwards into darkness and squalor and appalling violence. The Romans gave us roads and aqueducts and glass and sanitation and all the other benefits famously listed by Monty Python; indeed, they were probably on the verge of discovering the wheely-suitcase when they went into decline and fall in the fifth century AD.

History teaches us many things and we fail to learn most of its lessons.

Boris concludes:

If things go on as they are, we will see more misery, more resentment, and an ever greater chance that the whole damn kebab van will go up in flames. Greece will one day be free again […] for this simple reason: that market confidence in Greek membership is like a burst paper bag of rice — hard to restore.

Without a resolution, without clarity, I am afraid the suffering will go on. The best way forward would be an orderly bisection into an old eurozone and a New Eurozone for the periphery. With every month of dither, we delay the prospect of a global recovery; while the approved solution — fiscal and political union — will consign the continent to a democratic dark ages.

As it happens I agree with him. But that’s not the point. I was struck, first and foremost, by Boris’s excellent and amusing prose. Silver spoon or not, he’s well educated, intelligent, amusing and can look at the world from a fresh perspective. The world needs more like him, and in positions of power and influence, just without the party political agenda.

current affairs

We don't need no Edukashun

My friend Katy had a couple of rants yesterday (here and here) about the current education system and the damage that politicians are doing. This is by way of a comment to those posts, so maybe you want to read them first?

Essentially I’m with Katy. Teaching kids has been f***ed up since Harold Wilson abolished Grammar Schools. (It’s odd how so many things in this country which are buggered up go back to Harold Wilson as the root cause!)

I remain of the view that kids have to learn the basics to be able to go on and understand the next level. And with times tables the best way to do that is by rote — it has to be got into heads first. Yes, it’s boring (but so is much of life; deal with it) and it doesn’t mean you can’t engage the kids along the way. Once the basic tables are being established the kids can start to understand the patterns in numbers etc. as well as have the ability to do mental arithmetic. The problem is that no-one ever explained why mental arithmetic was useful — like have you got the right change?

Phonics as a reading system sounds like an absolute load of horse shit to me. Just as phonetic alphabets and so on were before it. Why teach the kids one stupid language only to get them to learn something else when they want to read a book? Just do it properly the first time! They need the rudiments of punctuation and sentence structure as they get older, but early on (under 10?) they need to be able to express themselves with the right words — so vocabulary and spelling are important. Yes, to achieve that you have to engage them. Then as they are older they can start to understand the need for punctuation etc. But WTF does it matter about subjunctives and whether chairs have gender? It doesn’t unless you’re going to be a “professional linguist”. This is where school lost me with French and Latin — I just did not see the point of all these arcane complications, nor the point of learning “something foreign”.

I just wish that politicians would stop meddling in things they don’t understand and listening to half-baked theories. If they spent half the time they spend on useless “initiatives” on sorting out the economy etc. etc. we wouldn’t be in half the mess we are. Government keeps changing what is taught and the way it is taught. But industry tells us the kids coming out the other end aren’t fit for purpose. Maybe there’s a connection?! Because it’s all “Emperor’s new clothes”. This is why I didn’t go into teaching (I saw what my friends were doing and knew I’d fail because I’d tear it limb from limb) and it’s why I won’t be a school governor again.

The education I received in the 50s and 60s wasn’t perfect by a long way. But even for the less able it was a damn sight better than most kids seem to get now. Schools then were far too good at finding our what you couldn’t do and playing on it. They mostly still are. Try engaging with the kids, find out what they can do — and I don’t care if it is maths or music or sport — and help them build on it. But at the same time you do have to give them the basic “3 Rs”, otherwise (a) how do you find out if they’re any good at them, (b) they have to be able to function, at least minimally, out in the world, and (c) it’s no use having good ideas if you can’t communicate them accurately to other people.

Let teachers teach. They know what they have to teach and they know how to adapt their methods to different types of child. They know what the kids should be achieving at various ages. It isn’t an easy balancing act and the fewer wobbles (aka. politicians) the less likely you are to fall off the tightrope.