Category Archives: sexuality

beliefs, current affairs, freedom of speech, medical, nudism, personal, science, sexuality, thoughts

Taboo!

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I’ve been thinking recently about our taboos. What I find curious is where we individually draw the boundary lines between what’s acceptable, what’s unacceptable and what falls in the grey area between. This is partly because some of my views are diametrically opposed to the norms of our society, but also because as a society, and as a collection of individuals, we seem to be sleep-walking into far too many important decisions.

We can probably all agree on a common set of things we think should be outlawed: child abuse, female circumcision, rape, gratuitous animal cruelty. And a set of things which are (generally) OK: sweets, alcohol, blood transfusions, prison for offenders. Although I know there are people who will abhor even these.

Most people would not discuss – and are not comfortable with – pornography, nudity, sex, bodily functions, incest or death. And then of course there are things which are for many on the borderline: animal cruelty for food (aka. abattoirs), abortion, stem cell research.

But this is not where I, personally, would draw the line. For me there is no problem with pornography, sex, nudity, bodily functions and I think even death (it is after all an inevitable consequence of life, at least as we know it). Incest I would say is borderline at worst and under some circumstances OK – why should a brother and sister not have a loving sexual relationship if they wish, as long as they remain aware of the possible dangers.

For me – and I stress this is just my personal opinion – there are far more important things to worry about and which I find at best questionable and at worst objectionable; some I would probably class as obscene – not a word I use lightly or often. The above list of common taboos is a good start to this list with most of them, at least some of the time, being in the obscene category.

However my questionable or unacceptable list contains other things most people find OK: IVF, male circumcision, genetic modification, airport expansion, a federal Europe, positive discrimination, religion, capital punishment, cosmetic surgery (for the sake of personal vanity rather than as a real medical necessity). And my jury is still out on stem cell research.

What I find interesting about this is not that I have different opinions (I’m an eccentric; I expect to have my own, different opinions) but that so few people appear to do likewise.

Society’s taboos, taken as a whole, are essentially the aggregate set of beliefs the majority of individuals find abhorrent – at least as enacted by the great and the good we elect to speak on our behalf and make law (politicians, religious leaders, etc.). It is only by people with differing opinions questioning and challenging this status quo which eventually results in the shift of the agreed set of taboos. Such is how we make progress.

All of this has so far left aside the more personal things. Do you have to be totally private, behind a locked door, in the bathroom or bedroom? Why is sex with the light on such a no-no? Are you OK with sleeping in the nude? As many will realise by now I am pretty open. We’re comfortable with social nudity – indeed any nudity. We both sleep au naturel and prefer it that way. Doors are never shut (except possibly to exclude the cats, and even that is rare). We actively dislike net curtains. We share the bathroom. In fact I think the only thing I have any possible hang-ups about is someone watching me wipe my arse – and even that isn’t a discomforting as it used to be. I was also wary of seeing my late father’s ileostomy – I felt this was intruding too far onto something private to him, although it didn’t seem to worry him; and let’s be fair it is not the most tasteful of things. Why I felt like this I don’t know; it surprised me. Indeed having been brought up to be slightly bohemian, think for myself and have my own opinions, I find it rather odd that I have any taboos at all.

As one of your “working thinkers” (to quote Douglas Adams) what I find distressing is that the majority of people don’t think about such things. There was a research finding a few years ago, which I now cannot place, that found 5% of people are unable to think; 5% of people can think and do so; the remaining 90% of people can think but just don’t. Even sadder is that many of this 90% are content to be told what they think by others, and that means mostly the tabloid press, politicians (who usually seem to have a vested interest) and religious bigots – plus a few cranky academics and do-gooders who manage to get “air time”. But then, despite the fuss some of this “silent majority” make, they probably don’t actually much care as long as someone keeps them in the credit card debt they’ve become attuned to.

Come on guys, wake up at the back! If you want things to get better you need to engage your brains and think through the consequences of your (our) actions. Think about the long term consequences of IVF, air travel, stem cell research. Use what brain cells you have; engage in dialogue with other people. Nobody asks that you are high-powered philosophical thinkers, just that you think as best you can about what is right and make up your own mind. If you then decide you’re happy with the consequences of these things, that’s fine. If you’re not, then you need to be heard. Doing nothing leaves those who do think to fight it out with those with vested interests – and the outcome may well not be the right one – or the one you actually want, whatever that is.

beliefs, current affairs, medical, science, sexuality, thoughts

Harrah! More Please!

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There’s a wonderful article over on the BBC News site. Well the article isn’t actually wonderful, it’s pretty hack, formulaic BBC journalism about a TV show. It is the idea, intelligence, thoughtfulness and guts behind the programme which is wonderful.

The programme was on BBC3 last evening and follows a couple of teenage girls and their mums as they visit various people in UK and Netherlands so the girls can discover for themselves about whether they’re ready to lose their virginity. Clearly this had to involve a lot of very open discussion between the girls and the people they met (including a group of teenage boys who were asked some pointed questions by the girls) and between the girls and their mums. From reading the item (sadly I missed the programme) clearly the mums were struggling to cope – but cope they did and I get the impression everyone came out of it much stronger and better balanced.

But why does it need a TV programme to get people to do this? OK so not everyone will take on for themselves a 2000 mile journey. But everyone has a surprising number of local resources to draw on: parents, teachers, doctors, health workers, not to mention their friends, peers and relations. Why can’t people talk about these things? Openly? I just don’t get it. Everyone (almost) has sex in some form or another at some time. Sex is an important part of life so why not admit it and be open about it? Reading and writing are important in life and we get taught those at a very tender age, and hone our skills over many years – some more than others, but everyone improves and learns. So why not sexuality?

Hopefully this programme will be repeated, and repeated, and repeated. And used by schools. And parents everywhere. Maybe, just maybe, it will start the revolution in (most people’s) thinking about sexuality and their bodies that our society so desperately needs.

Incidentally one interesting fact which is often overlooked: Holland has the lowest teenage pregnancy rate and the lowest rates of sexually transmitted infections in western Europe. Britain has almost the highest. Despite a very open attitude to sex, teenagers in Holland start having sex on average one year later than in the UK. Why? Because the Dutch are pragmatic and willing to discussing sexuality etc. openly; they don’t treat it as dirty and hide it in the coal-shed like we do. I lived through the sexual revolution in order to do away with coal-sheds!

Parents and teenagers (even sub-teens) everywhere please note!

memes, personal, photography, sexuality

12 Things I Love About You Meme

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12 Things I Love About You Meme, originally uploaded by kcm76.

This week’s Flickr meme is to share 12 things we love about our significant other (the clean version, of course!). So here is a selection:

1. Still sexy after all these years
2. Shared sense of humour & the ridiculous
3. Another foodie
4. Love of cats
5. You’re an artist, but science doesn’t overly scare you!
6. Support when I’m depressed
7. Love of books and learning – the more esoteric the better
8. Sharing my interests but keeping your own too
9. Allowing me to be lazy
10. An interest in the esoteric highways and byways of history
11. Shared interest in early music
12. And you’re still here after all these years – tho’ I still don’t understand why!

As always these photographs are not mine (except for #11 which is mine) so please click on individual links below to see each artist/photostream. This mosaic is for a group called My Meme, where each week there is a different theme and normally 12 questions to send you out on a hunt to discover photos to fit your meme. It gives you a chance to see and admire other great photographers’ work out there on Flickr.

1. So…, 2. Day 225: Cock Soup, 3. Avocado Heart, 4. I’d love a cat …, 5. star leaf fringed in moon gate, 6. Herbs For Depression, 7. Hf30He63Dg12²Ob276, 8. Florida Fragments, 9. lazy, 10. The Writer’s Soul, 11. Shawm, 12. dance class for meerkats

Created with fd’s Flickr Toys.

personal, sexuality, thoughts

Pearl Letter Day

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No, not a Red Letter Day. A Pearl Letter Day. Much better.

Earlier today I realised that today was a major milestone for Noreen and I. Some months ago we were discussing the times before we were married and trying to work out when we actually first “had it off”; we remember it well (as one would) but not the exact date. Noreen went back through her diaries to find that the relevant page was missing! But in the process she discovered that 23 June 1979 was the day she moved into the Chiswick flat with me. So today was christened “Cohabiting Day”, and it was 30 years ago today. A pearl anniversary.

The day has been celebrated in a low key kind of way. No cards, no presents, no dinner out. (Would that we had some decent nearby restaurants!) Just a normal work day, but followed by Chicken Salad à la Maison, a bottle of good white wine, a large bowl of cherries between us and a liqueur. Hic! Who knows what an early night (if it happens) might bring?!

And fingers crossed that we make our 30th wedding anniversary in early September.

It’s all a bit scary though; we’ve been married for longer than we haven’t! We still don’t know how we’ve done it. We still ask each other “How?”. And we still don’t take it for granted – which I suppose is part of the secret; it makes us keep concentrating! Even in the more difficult times there remains something magic about waking up next to each other every morning.

Oh and for the insatiably curious, the 30th anniversary of “First Fucking Day” was about ten days before last Christmas and we got engaged on 30th December – but that’s a story for another day, perhaps!

And for the even more insatiably curious, here’s a wedding photo. (I’m the plonker with the moustache! – you mean you couldn’t guess!! And best not ask about the “ear muffs”.)


Now how scary is that?!

personal, sexuality, thoughts

The Wisdom of Grannymar

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What follows was posted by Grannymar in a comment over at Coffee Helps. Whether you agree with it or not, it is an interesting approach to life which deserves a wider audience if only because it is thought-provoking and adaptable to whatever your spiritual outlook.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

amusements, arts, current affairs, environment, quotes, sexuality

You couldn’t make it up …

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More amusing snippets from recent online BBC News items. If you wrote most of these in a nvel you would be accused of being unreasonably inventive.

11 June
Gabonese have turned out to see the body of the late President Omar Bongo arrive back home from Spain, where he died on Monday (8 June).

11 June
The Rubble Club has been set up to help architects through the “trauma” of seeing one of their creations demolished in their own lifetime.

11 June
A man with a fetish for Ugg boots has admitted using the internet to harass a group of schoolgirls.

11 June
Acer chairman JT Wang strenuously denied any suggestion Acer was copying someone else’s invention. “We are not copying,” he said in an interview at … “Innovation is improving on a competitor’s product. That is still innovation for consumers’ value.”

12 June
A burned-out ice-cream van is among 100 works Banksy has installed at Bristol’s museum. “This is the first show I’ve ever done where taxpayers’ money is being used to hang my pictures up rather than scrape them off … many people will say: ‘You should have gone to Specsavers'”, Banksy added.

14 June
As I went closer, I realised with delight that while they had got the tune off pat, the words were just slightly off the mark. Standing tall and proud, the children were calling on the Almighty to “sieve the Queen and her setter, Victoria.” … A French friend of mine, preparing a few snacks to hand round at an English drinks party, implored her guests to help themselves to nipples.

18 June
“Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.”

beliefs, personal, sexuality, thoughts

On Morality

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An online contact, who I won’t name, has asked in a posting if it is OK to have a relationship with someone with a diametrically opposed morality; to what extent is it acceptable to compromise to support one’s partner and make the relationship work; and whether this is cowardly. What follows is an edited (and slightly extended) version of my response.

Standing up for your principles (what your morality tells you is right) is not cowardly. This is generally called “sticking to your principles” and is normally seen as “a good thing”. However we all have to make compromises in life and we each have to be comfortable with where we draw the line. Love will distort that line, and where it is in the sand, just as it does everything else. But love is not all powerful and (at least in my view) is not an excuse for casting all morality aside. Each situation has to be assessed anew and on its individual merits. If you are in “this situation” again you may find your compromise is different. You can only make what seems the best decision for you based on the available information at the time; no-one can do better than this.

Morality is a personal thing. Even if you are a strong adherent of a moral code (eg. Christianity) your morality will differ, albeit maybe only subtly, from the code as laid down. If you are like me and make things up for yourself then your morality may well be totally askew to any other morality. That does not mean either (any) is wrong. An individual’s morality is what works for them; and they may have the challenge of moral beliefs which are self-contradictory. (For instance a person could be a pacifist and yet believe that dictators should be overthrown by any possible means.) If one is going to think through ones own morality one has to grapple with such problems – as indeed do more collective moral codes. In addition your morality may change over time as you have new experiences, find new knowledge, etc.

Your morality is not my morality. Accepting those differences is part of being able to get along together and a part of freedom of speech. I may not agree with your morality or views, but I will defend to the death your right to hold and express them – that is part of my personal morality.
The morality which society as a whole has is only the aggregate of all our individual moralities, usually as expressed and enacted by those we “elect” to have these opinions for us – politicians, clerics, etc. Collective morality also changes over time by thinking people like me and you kicking against it where it disagrees with our personal morality; pointing out where we see it as in error; trying to convince others of our view – and often being badmouthed by the likes of the tabloid press in the process.

Noreen (my wife of almost 30 years! Eeeek!) has a Christian belief although not of the “regular church-going” or “happy clappy” sort. I used to share this belief; but my viewpoint as changed. I am now an atheist; I have no belief in God(s) although I do still hold many of the same underlying “do as you would be done by” morals, but expressed differently. Noreen and I respect each others’ opinions, and we discuss them openly even though we don’t agree about them. This works for us; it might not work for either of us with a different partner; or for any other couple.

You have to uphold your morals in your own way, and that at times may mean compromise. That’s fine as long as you don’t bury it all and then feel resentful later – that way lies bitterness and trauma like divorce or mental illness. That means you have to be open about your beliefs, be prepared to discuss them and respect alternative views. A partnership, any partnership – sexual, work, friendship, marriage etc. – is a continual exercise in compromise if it is to work. Where there is insufficient compromise for both (all) parties the partnership will fail. And there are no absolute right or wrong answers in life, only the answers that work best for you at the time – which is not the same as outright expediency or situation ethics.

Keep banging those rocks together.

food+drink, medical, memes, music, nudism, personal, photography, science, sexuality
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Katyboo posted this meme the other day, and as she didn’t tag people, preferring us to elect or not, I’ll take the bait. Well it’s better than doing whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing.

The rules of the meme are: Respond and rework. Answer questions on your own blog. Replace one question. Add one question. Then tag eight people.

What are your current obsessions? Depression. I don’t know why I’m so depressed at the moment (I’ll blame work, it’s as good a scapegoat as any, but it almost certainly isn’t the only factor) but it is taking over and stopping me doing things.

Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often? The Emperor’s new suit. Nudity and getting fresh, cooling, air to the body is actually good for you; it stops you getting all sticky and sweaty in places you don’t want to. I do wear a pair of shorts or jeans (more if I need to) during the week, if only so I can get to the front door quickly. Otherwise I follow the maxim “Nude when possible, clothed when necessary”.

What’s for dinner? Vegetable Crumble, I think. Well we are trying to be good and reduce our meat intake for the sake of our health and the planet. And Noreen does a mean veggie crumble with mushroom, onion or cheese sauce. Yum, yum!

Last thing you bought? In a shop? Not a clue; I hardly ever got to shops these days. Online? Some scented geraniums.

What are you listening to? The hum of my PC. I can’t take continual background music (let alone talk) these days. I suspect that’s related to the depression.

Do you have a pet and if not, why not? Yes, two cats and lots of fish (both tropical and in the pond). And no, the cats take no interest whatsoever in the fish.

Favourite holiday spots? Dorset and South Devon, by the sea. Well anywhere quiet by the sea really.

Reading right now? My PC screen, stoopid! 🙂

Four words to describe yourself? Fat, grey, snotty, depressed.

Guilty pleasure? Why do pleasures always have to be guilty? Erotica. Yes and I’m unashamed about it. In the words of Jean-Luc Goddard, “Eroticism … is consenting to live.” If no-one ever found anything erotic we’d none of us be here!

Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak? edartr at Flickr‘s photographs of his hilarious two dogs; see here for example.

First spring thing? Zebedee

Planning to travel to next? Norwich to see my mother. Don’t know when yet, but it should be soon.

Best thing you ate or drank lately? East Green

Do you have any weird phobias? No. There are things I dislike intensely, like maggots, but nothing which turns me into a complete gibbering wreck.

Favourite ever film? As I don’t do films I’ll change this one. My question is: What time is it now, and what time would you like it to be? It’s currently 1150 hrs, and thus fast approaching lunchtime. What time would I like? The time I can drink beer freely again.

Care to share some wisdom? “It’ll pass, Sir, like other days in the Army.”

Favourite song? Pink Floyd, Learning to Fly. Well that’s one of them anyway.

What’s your favourite meal you make without sticking to a recipe? Curry. But then I almost never use a recipe for anything except cake – and I never make cake.

Who would play you in a movie of your life? Who would be stupid enough to even consider it? Maybe Harpo Marx? Actually Woody Allen probably suits my personality better. 🙁

Facebook or Twitter? Other or Neither? For preference neither. I do dabble on Facebook from time to time, mainly as a way of not quite losing touch with people. But as far as I can see Twitter is a complete waste of time and everything else; no-one has yet managed to explain the point to me. The same goes for Second Life and YouTube.

What is your favourite word? What do you mean I’m not allowed that one? It’s a perfectly good Anglo-Saxon word. Oh OK, let’s have something boring then, like corvid.

OK, so here’s the question I’ve added: If you were to have one piece of luck this week, what would it be? To win the lottery so I can afford to retire.

Like Katyboo I don’t like tagging people – although I’m always happy to be tagged – so you can all choose to take part or not. If you do, just leave a message and a link in the comments, please. Enjoy!