Yesterday my friend Katy posted on her blog about feeling slightly strange.
Once I’d recovered from my initial reaction of “well, yeah, I wouldn’t expect anything less from you!” I realised that it wasn’t just Katy. Because I feel a bit the same. Which is odd.
This year started with me struggling as I had done most of last year. Struggling to do anything other than want to sleep. Which is partly down to the depression and partly a reaction to being overloaded with things to be done — which are actually much the same thing in my brain.
And then about 10 days ago I had a filthy cold. And my lower back was giving the hell, despite having been to the osteopath and had a massage a couple of days before. In fact my back was so bad it was giving me awful guts ache.
Then something odd happened. The cold gradually wore off during last week so that by about Thursday I was feeling human again (well, as human as you would expect me to be!).
But it was more than this. The cold was gone. I had managed to make myself some relief from the never-ending demands of too much to do — it was all still there, and all still needing to be done, but it felt easier; less overwhelming. My head was clearer and everything was brighter. And my back was much more at ease — not right, it never will be, but much easier.
I like this. This is how I should feel. I’m managing to get things done. Probably not much more than I was forcing myself to do before, but there’s a lot less effort involved.
I seem to be sleeping better, which is being helped by being able to wake up naturally most days. That’s generally between 8 and 9 o’clock; and not the struggle for consciousness at 11 as it was before.
I would love this feeling to continue; but, ever the realist, I’m not holding my breath. I’m just enjoying the few days while it’s here and hoping it decides to stay.
And all this despite some unwelcome medical stuff on the horizon, starting today with, I expect, a difficult discussion with my GP about my diabetes — which because I’m relatively relaxed and prepared seems a lot less worrying than it probably should.
As Katy comments (of herself): I think I am experiencing a form of self care. It’s not something I do very often, not properly. I’m not talking all that take a bath in expensive bath oil and light candles bollocks. I’m talking about proper, solid self care.
If that’s what it is, I have no clue where I caught it; it certainly wasn’t conscious. I don’t know how to feed it properly so it wants to stay. But stay it certainly may.
Please!

Back at the beginning of 2015 I made some predictions as to what I thought would happen during the year. How well did I do? Well no, not very well. But then I didn’t really expect to. Here are the results:

UK

1. Labour win the General Election — although probably not with an overall majority; they form a government in coalition with the LibDems. WRONG
2. As a result of the new government the unions start demanding, and getting, inflation busting wage rises. WRONG; due to election result; although the rail unions have certainly tried over all-night running on the London Underground.
3. Theresa May beats off a challenge from Boris Johnson to become leader of the Conservative Party. WRONG; due to election result.
4. There is no change in UK interest rates. CORRECT
5. A major household name (possibly a high street store) calls in the receivers. MAYBE: if Kid’s Company counts.
6. At least one UK holiday tour operator goes under stranding several hundred holiday-makers abroad. WRONG
7. Against expectations UK inflation will be around 4% driven by higher wage settlements and spending by the new government. WRONG; annual inflation remained at under about 1%.
8. On 31 December FTSE will close down 10% compared with 1 January. WRONG; at 6242 it is down just under 5%.
9. UK will see at least one major plane crash and one major train crash. WRONG
10. Duke of Edinburgh dies and is given a state funeral. WRONG
11. Queen Elizabeth II becomes Britain’s longest reigning monarch. CORRECT
12. The UK has a warm winter and a cold wet summer. CORRECT; winter was marginally warmer than average (about +0.5°C) with average rainfall but more sunshine; summer was as predicted colder and wetter than average.

Overseas

1. Violence in South Africa between black tribes threatens to turn into civil war and causes a white exodus. WRONG; although in April Zulu King Goodwill Zwelithini asked for an end to violence after attacks against migrants.
2. Death of President Mugabe of Zimbabwe is followed by further civil war. WRONG
3. Major epidemic will affect the developed world — could be Ebola or flu or MERS or something entirely new. WRONG
4. Australia will experience an earthquake of at least magnitude 7. WRONG
5. The Pope will issue a revolutionary encyclical, possibly on birth control, divorce or the celibate priesthood. MAYBE; three things I spotted (1) the Pope telling people they don’t have to breed like rabbits, (2) reform of the marriage annulment process, (3) an encyclical in June on climate change.
6. A number of international sporting bodies are proven to be driven by massive bribery and fraud. CORRECT; see FIFA and the IAAF.
7. The Islamic world continues to descend into total meltdown with more factional fighting, civil war and coups d’état; the exceptions are Saudi Arabia and UAE which remain relatively stable due to their oil wealth. CORRECT
8. Russia continues to be belligerent over Ukraine and only their economic woes will prevent World War 3. CORRECT; although Russia’s intervention in Syria seems to have relieved the pressure somewhat.
9. Brussels finally gets fed up with the UK’s posturing and formally asks us to leave the EU. WRONG; but they got fairly close to this with Greece over the summer.
10. A major airline goes into liquidation MAYBE; does Cyprus Air (who closed in January) count?

Personal

1. I finally have to be put on insulin to control my diabetes. WRONG; but we must be getting perilously close.
2. We lose the venerable Harry the Cat (well he is over 17) but he is replaced by two kittens. WRONG; but again we must be getting close to losing Harry; he’s now over 18.

For once being wrong most of the time was actually quite a good thing!
2016 predictions to follow in the next few days.

As I’ve done for the last couple of years here is a survey to summarise my engagement (or, more accurately, lack of it) with 2015.
In summary it has been a bit of a crap year what with a couple of nasty gastric bugs, worse depression than I’ve had for years, more voluntary work than I felt able to cope with (yeah, I know, self-inflicted) and the death of my mother. But then life’s not fair and shit happens.

At the beginning of the year I posted ten things I wanted to do in 2015. The results are in and I think it fair to say I didn’t just lose; I was overwhelmed and crushed — which just proves how bad the year has been:
1. Kick the depression LOSE
2. Drink more champagne WIN
3. Keep breathing WIN
4. Restart meditation LOSE
5. Take more photographs LOSE
6. Be drawn/painted/photographed nude by someone other than family LOSE
7. Have at least one 2 week holiday LOSE
8. Celebrate my mother’s 100th birthday with her LOSE
9. Visit Horniman Museum LOSE
10. Go somewhere/do something I’ve not done before WIN
3/10 is not terribly good, now is it! Could do very much better; must try harder!

Looking at the year through the usual 25 questions doesn’t improve things either.
1. What did you do that you’d never done before?
Buried my mother — well you would normally only ever do this once!
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I keep telling you I don’t do New Year resolutions.
3. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
A properly working body and head.
4. What dates from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory?
26 May and 17 June: the day my mother died and the day we buried her.
5. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Had a very nasty gastric flu just before Easter and again in late September. And then there’s the depression and the diabetes.
6. What was the best thing you bought?
Anthony Powell’s Caledonia.
7. Where did most of your money go?
Survival, I think.
8. What did you get really, really excited about?
Nothing; I don’t do excitement, just like I don’t do panic and crisis. But completing my set of Anthony Powell first editions was good.
9. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a. happier or sadder? — sadder due to the worsening depression.
b. thinner or fatter? — the same to within a kilo, but that’s overall still way too much.
c. richer or poorer? — richer, thanks to my mother.
10. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Nothing.
11. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Everything except sleep.
12. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Buying Caledonia.
13. What was your biggest failure?
Can I have three things? My mother not making her 100th birthday (by about 5 months). Overall illness. Depression.
14. How many one-night stands?
I don’t collect night stands; I have one bedside cabinet and that is perfectly sufficient, thank you.
15. What was your favourite TV program?
What’s TV? I’ve hardly looked at TV all year. Is there anything worth watching these days?
16. What was the best book you read?
According to the reviews I’ve posted here it would be Maureen Evans’ Eat Tweet: A Twitter Cookbook. But there are several other close contenders.
17. What did you want and get?
Caledonia
18. What did you want and not get?
Good health.
19. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Mum living to 100.
20. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
“Henery, how do you like my new frock?”
“Min … Where did you get that sack dress?”
“I got if off the coalman.”
“You mean he’s walking around naked?”
[Spike Milligan and Peter Sellers in The Goons, 1958]
21. What kept you sane?
Noreen and sleep.
22. Who did you miss?
My mother and Victor.
23. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015:
“Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed: everything else is public relations” [George Orwell]. In other words, it’s all marketing bollox.
24. A quote or song lyric that sums up your year:
The Beatles, When I’m Sixty-Four
25. Your hopes for 2016
Something better — I’ll post more on this later, probably as ten things to do in 2016.

God, I hate everything being so down! We need happiness and wins.
But anyway, enough of me. How was your 2015? And what are you hoping for in 2016? Do tell!