In this week’s Listography Kate is asking that we write down the top five phrases which drive us crazy.

Only five Kate? I could write a whole book!

Anyway here is a selection of five.

He should be there. The immortal words of every taxi controller when you ring up to find out what happened to the car that you booked for half an hour ago. Yes, I know he should be here, but guess what? He isn’t. Which is why I’m ringing you, dickhead!

People are confused. So frequently heard in the media these days. It seems to be polite-speak for “We think people are terminally thick so we’re going to condescend to them and tell them what to do”. People usually aren’t confused. They may not know. And they may not be intelligent enough to understand. But they aren’t usually confused, unless you deliberately confused them to start with.

You’ll have to phone X. Why? This is your problem as it is you I’m complaining to. You should be owning the problem and getting it sorted for me. Why do I, the customer, have to do the running around — and paying for phone calls — when you’ve screwed up?

It’s not my fault. Another refuge of the inadequate call centre** droid. Yes, I know it isn’t your fault, but you are representing your company and it’s you that I, the customer, am asking for help. Now own the problem and do something.

My system is going slow or We’re having IT problems today. Yet another refuge of the call centre assistant. What you mean is your company doesn’t invest properly in its IT infrastructure. Makes me wonder why I do business with people who can’t run a business properly!

Oh and a bonus for good luck … Can I just pop you on hold a moment? Another perpetrated by the call centre. Translate as “I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about so I’ll let you pay to listen to crap music for 10 minutes while Tracey tries to explain it to me for the third time today”. This is yet another sign that your call centre is being run on the cheap: the people aren’t well enough trained and there aren’t enough of them for the volume of calls. It would be more polite to say “I’m sorry, I don’t know. Please may I get someone to call you back”? — as long as they do call back promptly!

Oh God, they’re all about poor service, which makes me sound a real grumpy old git. I’m not really. And I’m usually fairly forgiving, if only because I know what it’s like manning a call centre (and being a checkout assistant)! As well as being a customer, everyone should have to spend time working the other side of the counter and dealing with the awful public. It might make people a bit more polite to call centre staff, but maybe less forgiving of poor management.

It’s such a delight when one does come across someone who is friendly, does know and really does help fix the problem. I try to make a point of thanking them and telling them how good their service has been.

So what gets right up your goat then missus?

** I use “call centre” loosely to include all those counter assistants one dreads having to deal with in computer stores, home appliance stores, banks etc.

Experiment, week 12. This week’s five things which have made me happy or for which I’m grateful.

1. Purple Sprouting Broccoli. Unlike most people I do actually like almost all the brassicas. I’m not so fond of kale, which is generally a bit tough and bitter, and I can take or leave broccoli. But one that I always enjoy is purple sprouting broccoli which is now in season.

   

2. Garlic Potatoes. Roast small (ping-pong ball size) potatoes in a foil parcel with lots of chopped garlic, salt & pepper and a drizzle of good olive oil. You should be the potatoes crisping up and some pieces of caramelised garlic.
3. Norman Architecture. Our trip to Chichester on Tuesday reminded me how much I enjoy Norman architecture compared with the later styles — although fan vaulting is always a wonder!

   
   Norman Arch in Chichester cathedral. Click image for larger view.

4. Alpine Days. I quite like winter when it is cold, frosty (or snowy), bright sun and blue sky. It is all the cold, damp, grey and miserable I find depressing. I always feel better for sunshine.
5. Curry. I hardly need say more!

For this week’s Listography Kate is asking us to tell our five most commonly used websites — like the ones that appear at the top of our bookmark list or similar.

As I do pretty much everything I can online these days I use a huge range of sites from Google through news providers to banks. So, with the exception of this blog, here are my five:

1. Google Reader. This is my homepage because the only way I can keep track of the range of blogs, news sites, Flickr groups etc. I want to see regularly is to subscribe via an RSS feed.



2. Facebook. Although I’m not very active it’s worth it for keeping in touch with family, friends, acquaintances, former colleagues, etc.



3. Flickr. All my decent photographs get stored here. And because I’m interested in photography I follow quite a number of people and groups on Flickr. The problem si that there is just too much stuff here to follow properly, which is why I use Google Reader to see the stuff which is of highest interest.



4. Anthony Powell Society. If you like this is my work site as I’m the Society’s Hon. Secretary.



5. Amazon UK. These days I shop almost exclusively online and Amazon is my first stop shop — quickly followed by eBay. If you order from Amazon through the link on the right it helps the Anthony Powell Society.

I’ve not looked but I’ll be surprised if between all of us we don’t come up with a very common set of about ten, with a few outliers. Does anyone out there really do anything much different?

Experiment, week 10. This week’s five things which have made me happy or for which I’m grateful.

1. Sleep. I like my sleep; I always have done. But for some reason my sleep pattern seems to be easily disrupted these days with too many nights when I either can’t get to sleep or, more often, when I wake up in the wee small hours and can’t get back to sleep. But this week I have had several good sleeps to make up for the bad ones, and I feel so much better for it.
2. Central Heating. Last weekend our central heating boiler decided to stop working. Although we have a warm house, boy did it cool down quickly. But we survived; indeed it took both of us back to our childhoods in unheated houses when one heated one room and were glad to snuggle down in bed and get warm. And fortunately we have a backup immersion heater (so there was always piping hot water) and a gas fire in the front room so we could heat that room and watch TV accompanied by two cats and two laptops. Anyway the boiler got fixed during the week and it’s great to have an all-round warm house again — I was surprised how quickly the house did warm up too.
3. Jake. Earlier in the week we went to see the Patron of the Anthony Powell Society. I knew his cat, Jake, had been under the weather recnetly but was gald to see he was back to his old self. Jake like attention. He also likes sitting on people. Not on their laps but draped across their chest and shoulders. I think I spent half the time we were there with this large tabby cat draped in vrious poses across my torso.
4. Prof. Alice Roberts. As I posted on Friday I’m delighted that Alice Roberts has been appointed as Professor of Public Engagement in Science at University of Birmingham. Yes, OK, I’ll admit it: I think Alice is very sexy. She is also an excellent scientist and a brilliant communicator so this is a well-deserved appointment.
5. HMS Victory and the National Archives. I’m going to write a separate post about this, so come back later for another instalment.

Experiment, week 9. This week’s five things which have made me happy or for which I’m grateful.

1. Birthday Wishes. It was my birthday earlier this week. I’ve now had 61 of them. Making a big thing of birthdays is not something that’s in our family tradition. So I’m not one for getting huge bundles of birthday cards. But I was touched by how many of my friends on Facebook remembered and wished me well. Thanks, everyone!



2. Daffodils. I’ll probably say this again several times over the coming weeks, but daffodils are one of my favourite flowers (as long as they don’t come in shades of pink!). And I noticed on Friday that our local supermarket had the first spring daffs in: small yellow and orange narcissi. Delightful. And a reminder that Spring can’t be too far away!
3. Frosty Mornings. The weather here in west London has been unseasonably mild all winter; more like March than January. But in the last few days it has definitely gotten colder. It was very nice to go out yesterday morning in bright, clear sunny weather following a hard frost.
4. London Taxis. The London black cab driver generally gets a bad press — but rarely from me. I’m a Londoner and although I have a reasonable knowledge, for a layman, of what’s where in central London I have to admire the London cabbie’s knowledge of everything. I know they have to work hard to learn it all, but I really don’t know how they ever manage it! An of course many never do manage to pass “the knowledge”. I appreciate their skill every time I get in a London taxi — and that was three times yesterday!
5. Freedom Pass. For those who don’t live in London, this is the London “bus pass scheme” for geriatrics. I finally got mine a few weeks before Christmas, but it was really only yesterday that I started to appreciate what an excellent scheme it is. Not only do you get free bus travel, and (mostly) free tube travel but also much of the rail network in Greater London is also free outside peak hours. And it also covers local buses across most of the rest of the country. Brilliant!

And, for once, there’s a list with no mention of food at all.

Kate’s Listography this week is for us bloggers: she asks us to write about our top five tips learned so far on our blogging journey. OK, so here are five top tips …

1. Write about whatever grabs you. It’s your blog, you can write about anything you like and in any way you like. But it will be most successful, and enjoyable, if you write about things that grab you, that interest you. Don’t write about something just because you think you should. Your passion, or lack of it, will come through in your writing and that’ll affect your readers interest. And writing about things that interest you will give the blog your personal stamp. It will also keep you interested and writing. If you find a niche market along the way, so well and good.

2. Write readably. Be careful with your style. What you write needs to be readable and intelligible. But the style it doesn’t have to be formal; probably better if it isn’t. Don’t write long meandering sentences that your readers can’t follow — nor long meandering posts! Don’t ramble: make sure your argument is coherent, concise and developed. Style variations and surprises are useful, but don’t overdo them. Like this! See!

3. Think about your audience. Who are you writing for? What message are you trying to get across? I find that as I write a blog post I’m always writing it “for” someone specific; not always the same person: a particular friend, my wife, even myself. That will help you develop and angle your story; and it gives the writing a more personal and readable edge. This, for instance, I am writing with Kate in mind: ‘cos she set the challenge and I know she’ll read it. At other times I will be writing for a specific friends. And there will be times when you are writing for yourself: as a way to help you develop your ideas — that’s fine as long as you don’t always do it and you know when you are doing it.

(Of course, if you’re writing a formal entry, say a scientific article, you may need to write more formally and in the third person. That’s fine if that’s your niche. But it isn’t for most of us.)

4. Try to think up snappy titles. There are two aspects here. The title of your blog itself and the titles of the individual posts. Your blog needs to be called something memorable and informative. “Fred’s Blog” doesn’t help anyone. “Blue Cats in Custard” at the very least is arresting and makes people curious. It’s all about marketing.

The second aspect is something I consider I’m not very good at: snappy titles for posts. The post’s title is the first thing someone will read, and if it doesn’t grab them they may read no further. So the title, and the first sentence, need to grab their attention as well as providing some clues about what follows. Titles also help the search engines index you, so people will be more likely to find you. If they’re amusing too then so much the better.

5. Design. Good design is paramount. If your page doesn’t appeal to people they won’t read it more than once. Keep it clean and uncluttered. But also try to make it some reflection of you. You don’t need a designer to do this for you — just a bit of time to fiddle around with the various style combinations your blog hosting service offers. Personally I don’t like loads of white space, fancy fonts or twee backgrounds. Develop a design (it may take time) and stick to it. Use one typeface you like and stick to it — except for occasional emphasis. Restrict variations in font size and weight. Avoid flashing things, pop-up boxes and adverts (especially ones you can’t control): they all distract and annoy the reader. Occasional pictures in your posts help break up chunks of text and provide some context and interest. But don’t overdo the pictures: more than two or three big images and they should be put somewhere like Flickr and linked (using thumbnails if necessary).

Bonus Item 1. Don’t expect instant success. If you track the number of hits you get to your blog you can get an idea of whether you’re going in the right direction. But don’t expect thousands of hits a day to happen instantly. Unless you have a lot of luck, a large advertising budget or a major sponsor people will take time to find you. Just keep writing. Encourage people who respond to comments. And, if you’re doing it right, slowly your audience will grow.

Bonus Item 2. Re-read what you’ve written before you post it. Check your spelling and ensure it all makes sense. Bad writing is one of the biggest turn-offs of all.

So there you are: seven top blogging tips. Hmmm … maybe I’d better take some of them to heart myself! 🙂

Experiment, week 8. This week’s five things which have made me happy or for which I’m grateful.

1. Sparrowhawk. Earlier in the week we had a male sparrowhawk in the garden. This is something I see a few times a year. This one was fluttering about as if it was injured, although clearly it didn’t have a broken wing. It sat on the fence for a couple of minutes and looking at it I think it had just damaged a few flight feathers — maybe by being blown around in the high wind or by going headlong into a thick bush after something to eat. Anyway if flew off, albeit a bit unsteadily, across the gardens after a few minutes. Which was just as well because I didn’t much fancy trying to catch it; let alone find a vet to treat it! Like all the hawks they’re magnificent birds.
2. CPAP Humidifier. Those of you that keep up with goings on will know that I have Obstructive Sleep Apnoea and have to use a CPAP machine overnight to prevent my airways collapsing. It’s a nuisance, but generally no more than that. One thing that does happen though is that because of my sinus trouble and general catarrhiness I do get very dried out and bunged up at nights, often because I end up breathing through my mouth. To counteract this the hospital have given me a heated humidifier to attach to the CPAP machine: basically a small water container with a tiny heating element. It’s early days, but it does seem to be make a difference. I’m getting less dried out and I’m probably sleeping better. This is good.
3. Lamb Curry. Yes, I know I always post about curry. But I do like my hot curry. This week’s variety was Lamb and Chickpea. Made with an especially tender piece of lamb neck fillet and a big slug of Patak’s Vindaloo Paste (which I actually reckon is more like a gentle Madras; in fact I’m not sure their Madras paste isn’t hotter). Served with avocado, banana, mayonnaise (yes they really do work!) and Noreen’s special lemon rice. And a couple of beers.



4. Sparrow Chirp. The House Sparrow is in decline, apparently. Not here it isn’t. The population of sparrows did crash about 10 years ago, but ours have steadily recovered. We regularly have at least a couple of dozen in the garden, both front and back. But then we do feed the birds. Quite often on opening the door we are assailed by the constant chirping of the sparrows — they’re social birds and they do need to keep in touch with each other; it’s the sparrow equivalent of texting! It’s lovely to hear them. But no wonder we see the sparrowhawk around!
5. Duvet. As you’ll have noticed, I do like my sleep. And there’s nothing better than snuggling in a warm duvet, especially if one has gotten chilly going to the bathroom in the middle of the night!