Category Archives: personal

amusements, memes, personal

Unblogged May

1 Comment

Being things I didn’t otherwise write about this month.

Wed 1 What miserable May Day. It should be sunny and warm, as befits the bonfires of Beltane welcoming the return of the sun. Instead of which it was somewhat chilly, dull and threatening rain all day. And it looks pretty wet for at least the next week. At this rate we’re in for a long, cold, wet summer. Gawdelpus!
Thu 2 There are times when the cats drive you demented. Because N was at the hospital this evening, I was left to feed said animals. I go downstairs to feed them (and me!) a bit before 19:00. Rosie soon appears, which was not a surprise. I feed her a treat of very unposh chicken catfood; she eats heartily through 3/4 of her food and goes out. The other two are absent, despite having been called three times. Ten minutes later Tilly appears. I feed her the usual small portion; she condescends to lick the gravy off the food, as is her usual way, and goes out. While I’m eating my food Tilly comes back and has two goes, five minutes apart, at polishing Rosie’s bowl. By now Rosie has probably finished off Tilly’s food. As I write (about 20:30) Boy Cat is still dozing on the cushion behind my right shoulder; he’s not moved, so hasn’t been fed. We’ll get starving kitten mode in about an hour’s time.
Fri 3 So you think you’re going to have a quiet day, and everything conspires to ensure you have a continual succession of stupidities to unravel.
Sat 4 What a lovely bright, sunny Spring day with barely a breathe of breeze. It wasn’t unpleasant in the garden even at teatime, although the ground is still absolutely sodden.
Sun 5 My phalaenopsis orchids haven’t done so well this year. I’m down to four plants. One hasn’t shown any sign of flowering and the miniature one has two flowers which are trying to hide in the pot. The other two have just three flowers.three orchidsThey’re some years old now and they’ve not been getting as much attention, water and feed with everything else going on. I’ll have to see if I can rejuvenate them over the summer.
Mon 6 Bank holiday Monday, and it’s as dismal as Monday can be. Nothing going on and its been raining most of the day. Even the cats have been lying low all day. I ended up doing literary society work all afternoon as the web developers and the Secretary were working and emailing me. But I did manage to get my haircut in between it all.
Tue 7 Don’t you just love hospitals. N had an appointment this morning with her consultant, although it was admittedly only an “in case needed”. Can they cancel it in good time? Nooooo! They call just after 08:30 this morning to cancel it. Fortunately we’d not left home, although we had got up at crack of sparrows to be ready in time and booked a taxi. The up side was that I got a clear day to get things done, including the monthly household finances which took forever!
Wed 8 What a lovely sunny, warm Spring day – as was yesterday. It’s so warm we’ve had all the windows open all day, and even sat out in the sun for a while after lunch. And that was good because we spotted the first swift of the year. Only one, but it’s good that we have any at all now; 40 years ago the sky was full of them.
Thu 9 Another lovely warm sunny Spring day. And it brings the smelly barbeque-wallahs out. Barbeques (known locally as crematoriums) are bad enough on their own, but why do these people have to use noxious firelighters or the like to start them? Were they never Boy Scouts? No sooner does that stop, than some neighbour starts up a petrol mower – like you need a petrol mower for a garden this size! – followed by a hedge trimmer.
Fri 10 A couple of days ago I clocked up my 150th Postcrossing card received. Here are numbers 101-150 up on the corkboard before I file them and start the board again.postcards on noticeboardI’m averaging a card every three days, so at this rate I should get to 200 before Christmas.
Sat 11 After nearly 45 years of marriage it still turns up surprises. Apparently N may be offered afternoon sessions at the hospital, rather than the current three evenings a week. This would actually be more convenient. But what surprised me most was her comment that what she misses is eating together every evening, and she fells this is especially important. While I agree, I hadn’t realised quite how important it has become.
Sun 12 Three or four days ago we had an odd rose in flower. By today we have a garden full of roses; suddenly they are almost all in flower. From one lone dog rose climbing the silver birch we have a tree full of small single wild roses, and a rambler smothered in apricot blooms.
Mon 13 Monday is always hard – and even harder when it follows a Sunday.
Tue 14 Something must have happened today, but if it did it completely passed me by. Spent the day with brain in jelly.
Wed 15 Comes the gardener for the second time in a week, after a hiatus of about a month – due to a combination of N’s situation and the wet weather. Lots done, including a soap wash of one of the apple trees to get rid of the woolly aphid. Six hours later and the tree is already looking 300% better.
Thu 16 There’s this first portrait of the King. And it has stirred controversy, as portraits of the monarch always seem to. Some like it; many don’t with comments like “how good that he’s covered in the blood of the slaves/soldiers”, or “why is he battling through menstrual blood?”. Perversely I do like it; it’s shocking at first, but as a portrait it is pretty accurate and it does seem to capture the man – a man of many parts. Yes the red shocks initially, but for me it works and it’s better than the usual dull portraiture.Yeo portrait of King Charles III
Fri 17 How’s this for stupid? We order supermarket groceries online every week and they’re fulfilled from a fulfilment centre down the road. The range is restricted compared with what’s in the stores, which is very annoying. I can also order from the same supermarket a small top-up order for immediate delivery by UberEats from the nearest store. Understandably this range is also restricted compared with what I could get by going to the store. But there are things I can buy via UberEats that I can’t get via an online order. Like today I was able to get via UberEats: English asparagus, a common-or-garden pickle, and a small cucumber, none of which the fulfilment centre stock.
Sat 18 This morning we had a really good meeting of the doctors’ patient group. A good turnout of 9 patients, plus the Practice Manager. Everyone was friendly, positive and contributed. And N gave an informal talk about her recent medical experiences, which was well received. Meetings like this do restore one’s faith in humanity a bit.
Sun 19 Just after lunch N refilled the bird feeders. For the rest of the afternoon the garden has been ringing with the squawks of the parakeets. Their chatter is continual, even if there is only one! It’s basically just contact calls – after all they are only budgerigars on steroids! I love having them around, but they are noisy!
Mon 20 The garden is absolutely awash with roses – and not all are even in flower yet! I wondered aloud to N how many thousand (and yes, I mean thousand) rose flowers we had. These photos are just a tiny fraction of the total, especially as the silver birch has not only the Buff Beauty but is a shower of dog rose right to the top.Shower of dog roseshower of Buff Beautyshower of unnamed rambling rose
Tue 21 What a dismal day. Definitely feeling slow and dopey today. And it’s been raining steadily since late morning.
Wed 22 OK, so we get a General Election on 4 July. Prepare then for six weeks of disinformation and misinformation (ie. lies and make-believe) from all sides. Trust none of them – remember they’re politicians and they’re fighting for their seat on the gravy train!
As for the prediction of a Labour landslide? Personally I doubt it. Despite what the polls say, Joe Public will chicken out. He and she will vote for whoever they think is going to put money in their pocket, get rid of immigrants, and claw back our sovereignty: and that may well not be Labour. There will also be a lot of tactical voting. Given that Labour are currently about 10-1 on to have an overall majority, I reckon 11-2 against for a hung parliament, or the same odds for a Tory majority, are good bets. My best guess? A Conservative overall majority of 6 seats. It’ll be interesting – if you can stomach it. I’m not sure I can.
Thu 23 While we’re eating our evening meal, the Marmalade cat from next door appeared having caught a wood pigeon – still fluttering desperately to get away. But no luck, she sat gripping it firmly by the throat until dead. She then proceeded to eat it over the course of at least 45 minutes. One of the local alpha males happened along and thought he was going to get a share: not a chance, he was soon disabused and gave up. She was last seen still manfully chomping away at her pigeon. It’ll be interesting to see how much is left in the morning; my betting is that unless she takes the remains away they’ll be removed by the foxes.
Fri 24 An interesting day.
(1) It started off with the supermarket delivery refusing my credit card overnight. It was a new card, activated yesterday, because there was some (small) amount of fraud on the old one. I made the payment payment with another card after almost 30 minutes on the phone on hold. Turns out the block on the card was only released at the start of office hours this morning. Why am I expected to guess this!
(2) As predicted, all that’s left of the pigeon from yesterday is some scattered feathers. I might find out when I look at the trail camera what happened.
(3) While we were checking off the grocery delivery N looked at the kitchen floor and exclaimed “Why is there a small dead mouse down there?” Sure enough a small dead mouse was indeed trying to hide under the sink.
(4) As usual by mid-afternoon I was convinced it was Saturday.
Sat 25 Another nice sunny day spent working. One day I’ll actually manage to see something of the summer.
Sun 26 Unloading this week’s photos from the trail camera, I found a couple of nice shots of one of our foxes. The resolution isn’t brilliant as they were in poor daylight, but said fox looks to be in good condition.red fox, looking hardred fox, looking hardJust look at the cheeky curiosity on that face. You can see why it’s often said that foxes are dogs running on cat software!
Oh and there were no good shots to indicate the final removal of the pigeon.
Mon 27 I know I didn’t put my hearing aids in today, but it has been unusually quiet, especially for a bank holiday. I can only think the neighbours know something I don’t. But then it was supposed to rain all day, but it hasn’t; it’s been intermittently sunny, although quite windy. I don’t remember this amount of wind when I was young and playing cricket – I would have noticed, because not being a top rank bowler I would have been bowling into the wind all the time. It has definitely got a lot windier in recent years. Someone must have put the gods on a diet of beans.
Tue 28 After months and months and months of delays and postponements, I finally managed to rearrange our dental check-ups and hygienist appointments. To my amazement we were offered appointments on 1 July, which is only 5 weeks away. So often we have to wait 3 months!
Wed 29 Had some really good Barnsley Lamb Chops this evening. Really juicy, flavourful and tender. They’ve been languishing in the depths of the freezer for ages and we decided the time had come to exhume them. The freezing will have helped with the tenderness – as well as the fact that I made sure not to overcook them.
Thu 30 Amazingly we have a large white Amaryllis with two large flowers – they’re the size of a tea plate. It’s an old bulb that has been kept going on the windowsill, with the occasional drop of water. It throws up the odd few leaves, but we never expect it to flower. And suddenly, there it is in full bloom!large white amaryllis in flower
Fri 31 Today has definitely been one of pushing jelly uphill trough treacle. Just about everything seems to have been an irritation, or worse. Well it’s a new month, and a weekend, tomorrow, so onwards and upward. I hope!
medical, personal, photography

Monthly Self-Portrait, May

We’re staying with the medical for this month’s self-portrait. As long-time readers will know I have Obstructive Sleep Apnoea, which means I can stop breathing when asleep. To counteract this, I have a CPAP machine which pumps air into my airway overnight to keep the airways open. It isn’t invasive, just a nuisance, and it does cramp one’s style somewhat. As you’ll appreciate from the image, us users are sometimes colloquially termed “hoover heads”. This is my usual sleeping attire!

CPAP mask in use
Hoover Head
[Click the image for a larger view]
personal, thoughts

I’m a Hypocrite

Yes, you read that headline correctly. I’m a hypocrite. Most of us are over something.

Recently, unable to sleep, I started thinking about what it is that makes me a hypocrite. And I found two instances.

Meat. I eat meat – although I also enjoy veggie food. But mostly I eat meat, and fish. I’d struggle to be entirely veggie despite seeing it as more ethical and environmental choice. So yes, I eat flesh … but I let someone else do the dirty work of rearing and killing it for me. Because I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t emotionally bring myself to kill some other sentient creature. And physically I couldn’t manage to handle a large animal. Keeping fish, I have on a few occasions had to euthanise one of them to save it from a lingering death – and I hated it; I had to do it but with a heavy heart and feeling squeamish; and the larger the fish, the more horrible it was. So I couldn’t do it to a mammal.

I can butcher meat that’s already dead without any problems. I have no problem jointing or spatchcocking a whole turkey or chicken; or filleting fish. And when younger (about 17, in the late 1960s) when I worked in a supermarket, I was taught to bone a side of bacon. We had the bacon delivered as half a pig, ready cured and without head, trotters, entrails etc. I had no problem with this. It’s a disembodied entity.

So I wouldn’t be able to despatch a warm-blooded creature – but I’m happy to let someone else do the deed for me, and eat the results. Which is inconsistent and hypocritical.

Shaving & Hair. This case is not so horrid; just somewhat stupid. I shave the hair off my face. When I was working I used to do this every day with an electric shaver. Now I’m retired I shave maybe twice a week with a wet razor. Why do I do this? Well, really for two reasons.

First, I find more than a handful of days beard uncomfortably itchy and scratchy. I’ve never managed to grow my beard for more than about 10 days before it becomes intolerable. Except that for some years in my late-20s/early-30s I had a moustache.

Secondly, in general I don’t like beards. Too many look scruffy, or affected. I don’t think they’re a good look. But I would never deny anyone’s right to have a beard if they wish.

But here’s the hypocrisy. What’s with the Barbie look? I can’t get the fashion for females to shave/wax their pubes. Why would you want your 20/30/40/50/++ year-old self to look pre-pubescent; who are you trying to kid? It’s not a good look, even before one thinks about the shaving rash, the ingrown hairs and the stubble. Pubic hair likely has a purpose, so why remove it? By all means tidy it up or trim it a bit, but there is no imperative to remove it. (Incidentally all this applies just as much to, for example, armpits. And yes, guys it applies to you too!) But then it’s your body, your choice.

So, no, I don’t like denuded pubes, but I prefer denuded faces. If that isn’t hypocritical, it’s at least inconsistent. But if either is what you want to do, then you have every right to. Just do it because that’s what you like or are comfortable with, not because it’s the fashion or you think society, or a partner, expects it.

Whatever you do, do it for you! And remember: those that mind don’t matter; and those that matter don’t mind.

I’m sure there are other places where I’m inconsistent or hypocritical. What about you?

medical, personal, photography

Monthly Self-Portrait, April

So what to do for this month’s self-portrait, especially as I have this damned filthy cold back again? Oh well, lets have something some may consider TMI – although it’s nothing you couldn’t safely see in the gym changing room.

As long-time readers may remember, I’ve said on a number of occasions that I have a secondary nipple. This is apparently not that unusual – I bet some of you have too. It’s on the right side of my abdomen, a bit above the level of the navel. The corresponding place on the left side has just a slightly denser area of hair.

Anyway this is what it looks like, fairly close up. On the left is the actual vestigial nipple. On the right, a mole. (I’ve always had the mole; it’s nothing to worry about). Keep in mind that the area in the photograph is about 4cm wide.

Close-up view of a secondary nipple
Left: secondary nipple. Right: a small mole. Image 4cm wide.
[Click the image for a larger view]
freedom of speech, nudism, personal, thoughts

Some Thoughts on Social Nudity (Again!)

A while back, over on Medium and on Quora James Grigg posited the question:

Why do men seem more comfortable with nudity?

As well he might; there is historically a greater preponderance of “single men” in the nudist movement. But why?

Grigg is an artist and photographer who does a lot of nude positive work, photographing ordinary people, including himself, in the nude in ordinary poses. So in some ways he is in a good position to judge. In other ways, because he’s male, he isn’t (and neither am I!).

His basic thesis is that women tend to avoid social nudity because

Slut shaming and rape culture are not conducive to women being able to be naked … comfortably.

This is based on the misplaced but widespread belief that nudity and sex are interchangeable, and that

Women … are expected to gatekeep sex from men who apparently … have no control over their … desires or actions.

There’s also the question of objectifying the female body, such that perfectly ordinary bodies are not seen as adequate. All of which basically says to me: lads you need to grow up.

While I wouldn’t disagree this is a significant element of the problem, I think there are other factors at play although perhaps not as predominant. Let’s turn the arguments somewhat on their head and look at the male side of the question. I see a further three possible reasons why men are more comfortable with social nudity, but they’re big generalisations.

First there is the macho need to show off, to be top lad, and attract a mate – the biological need to be the alpha male. This is not necessarily about shagging any eligible nubile (attractive though that might be!); it’s more about male pecking order. This makes nudity below the waist acceptable, even essential, for bragging and showing off; and above the waist neutral or irrelevant as there’s nothing much to show off. Females are the opposite: it is (mostly) OK to be bare above the waist (bragging rights or showing off, again, maybe?) but there’s no imperative for nudity below the waist – again because there is nothing very visible to show off (although the fashion for removing pubic hair does change that).

The second factor – which goes along with this – is all about physical comfort, and not having all your appendages constrained within clothing. Hence, simplistically, females are more likely to be physically comfortable bare chested, and not having their tits clad in armour. Conversely males are more comfortable with their dangly bits free to air – especially as ventilation also mitigates against the annoyances of jock itch etc.; something of which many blokes appear unaware.

I also suspect there is another, subconscious, factor at play. As a very big generalisation, guys tend to experience spontaneous desire: they’re always up for it even from a cold start. Contrarywise females mostly have responsive desire: they need warming up, enticing, encouraging, before they become actively aroused and eager. Yes, that is a generalisation, and there are many who don’t conform to this model, but it could be another factor playing into the “alpha male culture”.

I’ll accept that most guys and girls probably don’t actively think very much about any of this – it’s mostly subconscious. Basically therefore, while I don’t disagree with James Grigg’s thesis, I think the situation may well be more complex than he makes out – although, given our social conditioning, much of the time the reasoning will be entirely subconscious.

Getting this levelled out – as we should if we’re going to have a really well balanced society – will take time, and a willingness on everyone’s part to adjust and to grow up. Much as we’d like it to, it won’t happen overnight. Which just amplifies my oft repeated belief in respecting one another and treating everyone the same. We’re all people. No-one is better (or worse) than anyone else. And, give or take, we all know what’s under each other’s t-shirt and jeans. So, really, there shouldn’t be a problem with nudity, should there!

amusements, personal

Unblogged March

Here follows the usual list of things what I did done but didn’t feel impelled to otherwise write about.

Fri 1 We shouldn’t wonder that everyone is depressed and fed up. February has been warm and wet: the warmest on record in the SE half of England, with up to twice the average rainfall (and the 4th highest total ever), and about 50% less sunshine. The long-term trend for our winters seems to be that they’re getting warmer but wetter. If the rest of this month follows the pattern of today we’re all going to drown: apart from a short time at lunchtime the rain has been lashing it down all day, and I’ve just been greeted by a half-drowned cat. Meanwhile it’s Leeky Daffodil Day, and our first daffodils are now out.
Sat 2 Where the fuck did that come from? Woke in the middle of the night with a streaming nose. Yes, I’ve got a filthy cold: runny nose and eyes; can’t stop sneezing; can’t breathe; feel meh. Think I might go back to bed.
Sun 3 Sunday; I think. Still got the cold but somewhat clearer than yesterday. A long sleep last night helped. But I didn’t do anything except beat my brains out over the postage rate increases coming in April and how to adjust literary society merchandise pricing. Postage rates, especially overseas, are making merchandise unaffordable.
Mon 4 Things must be on the up. Not only is it a lovely sunny day … but the forsythia is suddenly a mass of yellow flowers. And the dark purple crocuses are out – they’re usually a bit later.
Tue 5 Today has been a real struggle with this **** cold. Yesterday was better, but today we’ve gone backwards. It’s a bloody nuisance to say the least – and always when there is more than enough to do. Still I did make myself do about 75% of what I needed to before giving up for the day.
I did a Covid test mid-afternoon, which was negative as I expected. But pissed off that a over a box of tests we had were expired; luckily we have others which are valid for some months yet.
Wed 6 News today that one of our friends has lost their cat to a tumour. This is always hard, especially as the cat was only 5 years old and should have been in the prime of life. I know it is sad; that they are a loved and valued part of the family; and that one must grieve. But why does it always reduce me to tears, even when it’s not my cat and indeed not a cat I’ve ever met. I think I’m getting ever more soft-hearted in my senility.
Thu 7 I do hope things really don’t come in threes! Two today has been quite enough, on top of everything else that’s piling up. First this morning I discovered we had no email – it just didn’t. Seems the provider have had a major hardware issue and are having to recover, and it’s taking a lot longer than expected – writing this at about 21:00 and it’s been down since before 07:30 this morning. Then I find the literary society website is down. It seems the security certificate renewal which I did on Friday didn’t go through properly, so it’s expired. Our ISP ask me to put it through again, whereupon they bill us twice! Oh no you don’t!
Fri 8 I had a call today from a friend locally who I’ve not spoken to since before Christmas. He’s nudging 85 and been in the wars: what was thought to be a goitre turned out to be cancer – which they have apparently fully removed. However he had a stoke while on the operating table and is having to learn to talk well again, and remember all the words – at least he’s getting speech therapy. He can’t praise the senior medics and nurses highly enough; less impressed with the junior medics; and has no opinion of hospital admin – it sounded like everything admin touched got buggered up. But he’s up-beat, cheerful and still doing for himself, which is half the battle.
Sat 9 So much for weekends; spent another day at the coalface. Much of the time taken up with testing some parts of the new literary society website (now well into development); overall it’s looking good but inevitably there are the usual few glitches. The rest of the day seems to have been taken over by paperwork and cats demanding krunch. I have a tin of mixed cat krunch on my desk, which they know, so they always come to me for a little something for the starving kitten. It’s no wonder I have to refill the tin every few days despite attempts at rationing!
Sun 10 What an odd day. It was peeing with rain all night and all day; really dark and miserable. And I succeeded in doing absolutely bugger all apart from piddle around. Well actually not quite true as I did get the literary society subscription renewal notices sent out: already setup and mostly by email so it was quite quick. Oh and I bought a couple of art works on eBay, in between falling asleep all afternoon. Here, have some daffodils to cheer things up!group of white & yellow daffodils
Mon 11 The next couple of months are going to be pretty crazy. We have literary society year end and membership renewals, plus the new website in test with cutover planned for late April – so lots of setup and training to be done to get us all up to speed. There’s the usual GP patient group too, with an open meeting and a newsletter to finalise; plus some development work. On top of which we have all N’s hospital appointments to be supported. And of course everything will shut down over Easter.
Tue 12 So I didn’t go to the hospital with N today, if only to avoid the stress of sitting about all day! Although N was there early and away earlier than expected, it sounds like I missed a fair amount of boredom – and some nasty weather too. Meanwhile I got quite a bit of fiddly work done which I’d otherwise be scrambling to catch up on.
Wed 13 You do have to wonder about the medical professions at times. N is supposed to be on (I hate to call it) a special diet. The problem is that you look at various NHS sources (like different hospitals) and they cannot agree with what is/isn’t on the forbidden list. OK the bulk of the inclusions are the same, but there are so many differences between hospitals, as well as apparent inconsistencies on each list. Just as an example: nuts and seeds are forbidden, yet olive oil, sunflower oil and rapeseed oil are OK. It seems nonsensical; it probably isn’t but it’s never explained.
Thu 14 Yesterday evening I found a cat whisker on the bedroom floor. The photo (below) doesn’t show it well but it is incredibly kinky and curly – so it must be a Boy Cat whisker.white curly cat whisker on a black backgroundThis is one reason we think he’s probably part Devon Rex: he still has good curly whiskers, and they were even better when he was young. Here’s the little tyke pictured by our vet when 10 weeks old: just look at those whiskers!headshot of white & tabby kitten with very curly whiskers
Fri 15 Beware the Ides of March for it shall bring forth lions whelping in the streets and the bird of night hooting and shrieking at noonday, whence unicorns shall be betrayed by trees. Yet Caesar shall go forth.
Sat 16 We’re living like the gentry again, as I’m sure our gg-grandparents would have thought! Yesterday we had the first English asparagus of the season – as part of a beef & noodle stir-fry. Today we had a second round, steamed, with roast chicken. OK, we know it’s grown in poly-tunnels, but mighty nice for all that; really sweet and succulent. And of course we had to toast the noble asparagus with a bottle of Champagne. We always eagerly anticipate the English asparagus season; it’s so much nicer and I object to having it shipped round the globe from places like Peru.
Sun 17 So it’s Green Leprechaun Day. There’ll no doubt be quite a few sore heads, especially as Ireland won the 6-Nations Rugby yesterday. But I do get tired of all these celebrations in central London: New Year, Ramadan, Chinese New Year, St Patrick … and that’s just so far this year! Anyone would think the Mayor had loads of spare money to throw around.
Mon 18 One of those days when we both felt totally without our rubber bands. But we still managed haircuts and showers, after which I reckoned we had negative stuffing left to spare.
Tue 19 They tell me today happened.
Wed 20 After a burst of activity a few days ago, the magpies seem to have given up working on their nest in our silver birch. There’s been no sign of construction work for several days, and no coming and going to suggest one of them is sitting on eggs. And I’ve seen only one magpie about in the last few days – hopefully that’s not a bad sign.
Thu 21 Cometh the gardener, to do odd jobs and not gardening. Job the first was to fit a new loo seat, the current one having cracked apart yesterday. And a good job I enlisted him to do it, because the old one was an absolute pig to get off, especially as I’ve managed to lose the tool for it since I turned out the bathroom cupboard a couple of weeks ago.
Fri 22 Why can people not get their life in order? Tomorrow at midday we have a literary society social call over Zoom. This was announced months ago, with an email reminder sent to members 10 days ago, both asking them to register with me. Yesterday I sent out the Zoom link to those who’ve registered. Today I’ve received four last minute requests, which means extra emails and work. And I almost guarantee I’ll get at least two more requests tomorrow in the hour before the call. Oh and at least one American who gets the time zone adjustment wrong. Clearly people don’t realise quite how disruptive all this is.
Sat 23 A really excellent literary society social call at lunchtime. Several new faces, which is always good to see, and lots of thoughtful, interested and wide-ranging discussion. It was marred only by a couple of participants having computer issues and hence being able to contribute little.
Sun 24 This morning in the space of 5 minutes watching the ash tree at the front (actually just in next door’s front garden) we had a great tit; coal tit (very pinky-buff underneath); and twice a blue tit with a beak-full of nesting material – in addition to the usual miscellaneous collection of pigeons. The blue tit(s) went off over the house, so is probably nesting somewhere at the back, but no idea where.
Mon 25 A nasty, crap, stressful day; mainly because N is unwell and the kidney issues may be the cause. So several phone calls with various medics.
However in good news I ignored the problems and did a couple of hours testing on the new literary society website. I found the usual few little silly things, but it’s basically looking very good.
Tue 26 This morning in the bathroom I was looking at the forest of hairs on my forearm. They’ve never been dark, only ever light brown, and are now mostly grey, so they’re not especially visible. But there they are in luxurious growth. Some are even rather long – at least longer than I would expect – with a few making 6cm or more. Mind you, I have one hair in the small of my back which must be well over 10cm, possibly as much as 15cm. I’m sure they’ve all got longer with age; I don’t recall such long hairs when I was young.
Wed 27 Out this afternoon to get my annual NHS Diabetic Eye Screening, and as the last few years the female doing it managed to get good enough pictures without having to put drops in my eyes to dilate them. Looking at all the trees, an signs of Spring, I was surprised to note that effectively no silver birch was yet showing any signs of catkin growth. However I did spot both a horse chestnut and an ash with buds just starting to open.
Thu 28 Rain, rain, rain. Admittedly it didn’t start until mid-morning, but it then lashed it down for most of the rest of daylight hours, at least. And blowing a gale … I was sitting in the kitchen about 17:30 when N opened the back door, and I nearly got blown off my stool in the gale. It’s unusual for the gale to be felt quite like that indoors, so I wasn’t surprised that some weather forecast had said there was a (small) chance of tornados in London.
Fri 29 It’s mad! It’s Good Friday and not even the end of March. We’ve had a warmer than usual winter, and a wetter than usual winter. Today is intermittently sunny, but with little bits of rain; it isn’t very warm. And yet the apple blossom is beginning to come out; which I reckon is four weeks earlier than usual; and it isn’t all apples trees (despite compatibility). Moreover there are few insect pollinators around yet. None of which bodes well for a good apple crop.
Sat 30 Really lovely dinner this evening for Low Saturday. A very tasty salmon fillet (because on offer from the supermarket), steamed English early season asparagus, and new potatoes; with lemon & butter. Followed by some fresh raspberries. Accompanied by an excellent bottle of Greek white wine, and liqueurs. Plus daffodils on the table too.a jug of bright yellow daffodils with wine
Sun 31 So we’re now on artificial time for the next seven months. What a pity no-one told the cosmos and my body clock.
personal, ramblings

Meta Dreams

Now that was weird. In my waking dream this morning I dreamt that I was dreaming.

It started off all about dressmaking/tailoring shears! In my inner dream I was thinking about, and I think seeing, some (female) colleagues buying older-style, heavy dressmaking shears, and how the trim on the handles and blades was in various different colours; and why would they be different colours, was there some underlying reason apart from personal choice. The colours involved were gold and a turquoise-green. They were a bit like the ones below, only black enamelled with coloured decoration, much like an old Singer sewing machine.

a pair of large tailors shears

On coming up a level I met some of the same colleagues using said shears, and was telling them about the dream I’d had about them, and the colours of the shears. They didn’t know any reason for the different colours. They seemed to be using their shears to remove pills from woollen fabric.

The dream then went on to me leaving work – finally leaving after having retired and returned as a contractor – and clearing out my desk/cupboards. There were several colleagues involved – some identifiable, some not – and a variety of locations including my childhood home and an office I worked in 30+ years ago. Plus some convoluted nonsense with Payroll/HR.

Like all dreams it was highly convoluted, and many of the details have now escaped.

But I don’t recall ever having had a dream within a dream before. It wasn’t lucid in that I couldn’t control it and didn’t know I was dreaming. Just weird.

medical, personal

On Depression – X

Another in my very occasional series of articles on depression – my depression. They are written from a very personal perspective; they are my views of how I see things working and what it feels like on the inside. Your views and experiences may be vastly different. My views and experiences are not necessarily backed by scientific evidence or current medical opinion. These articles are not medical advice or treatment pathways. If you think you have a problem then you should talk to your primary care physician.

I recently came across the following elsewhere on social media.

One of the worst things about depression is that it’s a self-reinforcing cycle. In many ways, a lot of the popular “mindfulness” or “yoga” or “touch grass” or “diet and exercise” things about recovering from depression is a correlation, not causation thing which is a reversal of cause and effect. When you’re depressed, you CAN’T do the things that help you not be depressed, or at least you can’t sustain doing them for long because they drain more energy than they’re returning.

It’s a lot of feel good “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” nonsense. When you’re depressed, even when you try to force yourself to do the endorphin generating activities, your brain is so full of depression juice that it sucks up all the endorphins you might have gotten otherwise. So now you’re just even more exhausted from trying to do the thing, and have even more depression juice in your brain because you tried to do the thing and didn’t feel any better, which must just be because you’re a broken failure.

[Jess, @JessTheUnstill@infosec.exchange at https://infosec.exchange/@JessTheUnstill/111880212752583330]

I don’t really agree with the final phrase about being a “broken failure”. I’m a broken failure only in terms of getting rid of the depression and in consequence having fucked up too many things in my life. And who’s surprised after 50+ years experience – we’ve trained so long and hard that we’re now experts! Otherwise this is a pretty spot on summary of how my depression seems to work.

Medics please note that this is how depression works for many of us, so don’t be surprised when we tell you that all your suggested fixes don’t work for us.