Category Archives: personal

Five Questions, Series 5

To start off the New Year I decided we would have another round of Five Questions.
As before they are a mix of difficult and slightly silly questions, although of course you can treat them all as serious, or all as silly, should you wish. And there’s no knowing what I shall do when I get to answer each!


So the five questions for series 5 are:

  1. What is time?
  2. Describe your fantasy girl. (Yes girls, you can answer this too!)
  3. Do stairs go up or down?
  4. Give me the story of your life in six words.
  5. Unicorns or magic carpet as your only form of transport? Why?

As in previous series, if you take them seriously I think they’re going to be deceptively tricky. I certainly don’t know exactly how I’m going to answer them all, although I have a few ideas up my sleeve.
But answer them I will; one at a time over the coming weeks; the first probably in about a week from now — so you (and I!) have some think time.
And as I’ve said before, if anyone has any more good questions, then please send them to me. I’d like to continue to do this two or three times a year so good, but potentially fun, questions are needed.
Watch this space!

Childhood Reading

What follows is a slightly edited version of something I wrote for my friend Katy’s blog Making Them Readers, which encourages childhood literary, earlier in the year.
I’m not a fluent reader. Yes, I can read anything, am highly educated, have a good grasp of (basic) grammar and a huge vocabulary. But although I’m not dyslexic my spelling is, even now at 62, rather shoddy and I read slowly – it takes me about three times as long to read a page as it does most people. I don’t know why, it isn’t that I especially struggled to learn to read.
But the upshot of this is that I got turned off reading voraciously for pleasure and grammar school killed any enjoyment I might have had of the classics. Half an hour of homework (read the next chapter of Great Expectations) became a two hour marathon. So I was always behind. School absolutely killed the classics for me.
I must have read a certain amount at junior school otherwise I would not have got through the 11+ with ease. But my memory of what I read is hazy at best.
I remember we had a series of Janet and John books when I was learning to read and I remember reading Orlando the Marmalade Cat with my mother. And I must have read at least parts of Alice in Wonderland while still quite young.
I do remember, probably at about the age of 7 or 8, reading TS Eliot’s Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats. This started because it was something my father read to me at bedtime and before long I knew “Skimbleshanks: The Railway Cat” off by heart.
Along the way someone obviously gave me a copy of A Puffin Book of Verse and Four Feet and Two. I know I read a lot of the former, dipping into it repeatedly over many years, but could never really get on with the latter.
Once I got to about 10 or 11 I started reading WE Johns’s Biggles books and over a period of about 5 years I devoured every one that our local library could throw at me — much to my parents’ disgust that I wasn’t reading anything “better”. Biggles became my alter ego.
Once past the age of about 14 I don’t recall reading anything much that I didn’t have to — I probably did, but it was unlikely to have been fiction and it hasn’t stuck in my memory. I remember trying War and Peace but soon found it turgid and heavy going. However I did buy John Betjeman’s High and Low when it was published, and this remained my “go to” book if ever I had a sleepless night, even into my student days. (I still have that first edition.) I must have read a chunk of Sherlock Holmes at about this time too.
And, oh dear, I think the whole school, read Peyton Place when it came out in paperback in the mid-1960s — incredibly boring. I also ploughed my way through my father’s copy of Ulysses at about 16 (why?) and about the same time decided that Lady Chatterley’s Lover was boring and gave up on it halfway through.
At 18 I ploughed my way through a large amount of my father’s copy of Havelock Ellis’s Psychology of Sex in an attempt to keep one step ahead of my girlfriend!
I didn’t really return to reading fiction, or indeed anything much outside my academic (scientific) sphere, until I was a post-graduate student when I discovered all sorts of oddities (Langland, Gower) as well as people like Evelyn Waugh, Laurie Lee and Don Camillo.
Although I’m now the Secretary of a literary society, I’m still not a great reader of fiction and to this day I cannot abide the classics.
And the moral is? Even if a child is not a fluent reader, don’t give up, don’t worry about it and don’t despair. Keep ensuring they have access to a wide range of interesting things to read (we had a lot of books at home and were always in and out of our local library), let them read whatever they choose, and there’s a good chance they’ll pick up on what they really like as they get older.

More Pussy Porn

In keeping with the tradition of the interwebs being the repository of all things pussy, here are another couple of shots of Tilly the Kitten. (Not so much kitten now, actually, as she’s approaching 7 months old.)

Click the images for larger views on Flickr
Please, I would like to catch that mouse
Please, I would like to catch that mouse.
Tilly helps Noreen with Facebook.
6 December 2013
Office Cat
Office Cat
Tilly does duty as a paperweight.
Tummy fur beginning to regrow after neutering.
5 December 2013

Thoughts on Depression

I’ve done quite a bit of thinking recently about depression. Partly my depression but also more generally. This all came about because a couple of weeks ago I had a fairly major down, which dropped me into both depression and panic and caused me to have to cancel a couple of important things I was supposed to be doing.
One of the things I came to realise is that there seem to be two types of depression. Or perhaps more accurately there are two types of depressive, which may reflect two types of depression as I think they may be able to co-exist. There are also essentially, it seems to me, to be two triggers for depression.
Let’s deal with the triggers first. I’ll call them “Despair” and “Overload”.
Despair
This is the classic “I feel useless and inadequate” scenario; “nobody loves me”, “I’m a mess”,” I’m useless”, “what’s the point of anything?”, “let’s end it all now”. We all get this sometimes and I’m not immune, but it generally isn’t the cause of my depression — more usually a result of me having royally cocked up something.
Overload
The alternative trigger, which is also fairly well accepted as a cause of depression, is excessive (for you) change and excessive load. Too many commitments; way far too much to do; bosses buggering everything around, etc. It’s the classic “I can’t cope with any more” scenario.


OK, so what are these types of depression/depressive?
I’ll call them “Do” and “Sit”.
Do
The standard self-help advice for depression seems to go along the lines of “get up, have a cold shower, put on some good brass band music and get on with life”. Which is fine if (a) you’re not too far in and (b) it works for you. It doesn’t work for me and never has. It broadly seems to fit with the Despair model.
Sit
To understand this let me give some background. Some years ago (like maybe 20 years) I read an article by a couple of medics in (I think) Glasgow who noticed that most people who were hospitalised with depression just wanted to sit in a corner and do nothing. This was contrary to the accepted treatment of giving them occupational therapy or psychotherapy (ie. a treatment of the Do type), which, guess what, for these people not only didn’t work but made them worse. The medics hypothesised that this was because the problem was that these people were reacting to an unreasonable (for them) level of change in their lives and that what they needed was stability. So forcing them to do things was just imposing more change, hence making them worse.
So they tested it by allowing a small number (six from memory) of people to sit in the corner as long as they wanted. And they found that they got better. As long as the occupational therapy was there, and the patient could see it was there, they would eventually come out and start joining in — but only after they’d sat in the corner stabilising for some while. Unfortunately I can’t now find the reference to this work and I don’t know if anyone has followed it up with a properly controlled study.
I realised quite a while ago that my depression was almost always of the Overload type and that making me do things didn’t work. The more I have to do, and the more things change under my feet, the more likely I am to drop into depression. So if I’m feeling fraught, I need less to do. I don’t need more to do. I am always loaded up as much as I can take (and more) so woe betide you if you insist I do more. Which is why people insisting I count calories, go to the gym, cut the grass, whatever, don’t get very far and don’t help me. This is why when I first started having hypnotherapy I told my hypnotherapist (a) I don’t count things, and (b) my obesity and my depression are inextricably linked. Nonetheless he had to learn both the hard way.
One of the other things I’ve noticed over the years is that sometimes, if I have a lot on and I’m feeling anxious, I’ll have a five minute panic. For instance, if I’m going out to yet another meeting I don’t want to, I’ll sit on the bed while getting dressed and panic; not cope; quietly go into meltdown. But after a few minutes I can come out (I usually have to as the clock is ticking on), put my shoes on and cope.
If I don’t come out I go into a proper panic attack and depression and then have to start bailing out of doing things, which is what happened a couple of weeks ago. It’s real “I can’t cope with this and this and this and that. What can I bin so I can recover?”.
Now I’m not pretending that Despair and Overload are black and white. Nor that Do and Sit are. Clearly there is a spectrum of greys here; a continuum. But I suspect that most depressives will be predominantly one way or the other. But it does seem to me that Do will tend to align with Despair, Sit with Overload. That looks logical.
I’m also not pretending any of this is necessarily new but it was an interesting voyage of discovery. I’d be very interested if any of this has actually ever been properly tested, in controlled studies.
And there remains too a necessity for appropriate drug treatment as this often provides some initial respite and a gateway to allow recovery to start.

Pussy Porn

I thought we’d have some more pussy porn, after all the internetz is reserved for pussy innit. So here is Tilly the Kitten — some kitten at 24 weeks! — reclining this morning on my desk. She has a promising career ahead as a paperweight — when she’s not being a demolition specialist, that is!

Click the images for larger views on Flickr
Tilly as Paperweight
I can look quite cute and asleep when I want to
Tilly Washing
Let’s just have a quick wash
Tilly Green Eyes
And now here’s my regal portrait

On Flu Jabs and Sleep

I love curiosities!
Early on Friday afternoon I had my annual flu jab. By the evening I was beginning to feel meh. Yesterday I was fit for nothing; not full flu but everything except the severe body aches and high temperature. So I spent the day curled up under the duvet, mostly asleep. Not nice, but better this than having full-blown flu.
I understand why this can be a side-effect of the flu jab: basically it is an immune reaction to the (dead) bits of virus in the inoculation which stimulate the immune system to produce antibodies that protect against the real virus. So it is working as designed.


But what I don’t understand is why this only happens to some people and why it doesn’t happen consistently every year. When I first started having the flu jab it would make me feel mucky for half a day or so — maybe less. But three years ago the vaccine contained bird flu (or was it swine flu?) and that knocked me out for well over a week! (Unless I did actually catch flu at the same time I had the jab — unlikely, methinks.) Last year the inoculation flattened me a for a couple of days. This year it has done much the same.
Yes, OK, it is my immune system working as designed. But is this “excessive” reaction a sign that I have a good strong immune system that gets to work quickly and well? Or is it a sign that I have a weakened immune system which is struggling to catch up? Dunno.
I find this whole reaction (side-effect) curious.
Anyway, as I said, I spent yesterday curled up under the duvet. The curiosity here is “curled up”.
Now I normally sleep flat out. Either on my back or (more usually) on my front; and I always have done ever since I can remember. And Noreen will tell you I’m normally spread-eagled across the bed.
But yesterday I was curled up in a foetal position on my left side. I only ever do this when I’m ill. (Occasionally if very depressed I will curl in a foetal position on my right side; but never on my left side.) I’m guessing this is an ancient animal instinct to protect ones soft parts when most vulnerable (asleep). I’d also guess that being on my left side is because I am right-handed — this position leaves my stronger right hand free to smack any predator in the jaw. Maybe?
So just another curiosity.
I love curiosities!

Aren't You Dead Yet?

Yes, that is a serious question!
Average life expectancy has roughly doubled in the last 150 years. Whereas life expectancy at birth 150 years ago was around 35-40 years it is now around 80 years. (See Why are you not dead yet? which is an interesting read.) Well OK they’re figures for the US, but the UK and rest of the developed world isn’t much different. According to Wikipedia medieval life expectancy in the UK was 30 years, and was still only 31 years in the early 20th century. Indeed (according to World Bank data, via Google Public Data) UK life expectancy has risen 10 years in the last 50!


Forget airplanes, cars, nuclear weapons and the internet. This increase in life expectancy is probably the most important difference between our modern world and life 150 years ago.
Before the advent of modern medicine — and a lot of that has happened since World War 2 — infant and child mortality was incredibly high. And many of those who survived into adulthood were killed by accidents or disease which would be easily vanquished today. Just as an example, one of Noreen’s relatives about 100 years ago died in his mid-30s of erysipelas (St Anthony’s Fire), a bacterial skin infection which today would be quickly cured by antibiotics.
Remember that just because your direct ancestors lived into their 50s, 60s or even 80s, there were many children who died before puberty and hence are no-one’s direct ancestors. In the 19th century families of 10 or 12 children, with only one or two reaching adulthood, are not uncommon. And it was a lucky family which didn’t lose a single child even well into the 20th century.
In fact there is a good chance that you — yes, you reading this! — are already on your second or third life. And that is almost certainly down to either modern medicine or modern safety (think things like seat belts and air-bags).
In my late 20s I had appendicitis. It grumbled for a year or more until the medics decided what it was and removed the offending organ before it blew up. Without that medical intervention I would likely have died of peritonitis within a year or two. Noreen has similar stories — blood poisoning from an infected toe injury; a shattered left elbow (which would have been at least disabling). And we have both been extremely lucky with our health!
We all forget how common such diseases and injuries are and how much we have come to take for granted that they can be fixed. We also forget all those illnesses (smallpox, polio, whooping cough (aka. pertussis), measles) which we never or seldom see because of vaccination.
So tell me, please, why are you not dead yet? Without modern medicine what would have killed you? I’m curious to know.

Silly Age Meme

OK so Katyboo tagged me on Facebook in one of these silly memes. Well I did sort of invite it really, so it’s all self-inflicted — no change there then!
The meme is about what you were doing at some randomly assigned age …
Age I was given: 44
Where I lived: Greenford, West London
What I drove: Nothing; I don’t drive
What I did: Worked for IBM UK; Project Manager for deployment of laptops to all IBM employees in the UK
Who had my heart: The Norn who must be obeyed
Age now: 62
Where I live: Greenford, West London
What I drive: Nothing; I still don’t drive and may not now be allowed to even if I wanted to (which I don’t)
What I do: Retired; Hon. Secretary of Anthony Powell Society; Chairman of my doctors’ Patient Group; active member of HealthWatch Ealing
Who has my heart: The same Norn who must be obeyed
If you want to play this silly game, leave a comment and I’ll give you an age.

Five Questions, Series 4 #5

So, at last, we get to the final question of series 4 of Five Questions.

Question 5: What is the biggest obstacle that stands in your way right now?
There is only one possible answer to that … ME!
You think I’m joking? Then you’ve not seen the size of me!
What?! You want a more serious answer?! You mean that isn’t good enough?!
Well if you push me then the answer has to be (a) depression and (b) not enough hours in the day to get done what I want to do.
But isn’t that essentially the same for everyone? … There isn’t enough time and we just can’t push ourselves to do more.
– oo OO oo –

OK, that concludes Five Questions, Series 4. I’ll do another series in a few months.
Meantime, I would like questions to answer — ask anything and I will see if I can answer it. No promises though ‘cos you really don’t want to know about my … TMIA!

Gor Blimey!

Purely out of interest I’ve just done a count-back of my blogging activity.
I’ve been blogging properly, in several incarnations, since January 2004; and doing the equivalent by email since December 2001.
In that time I reckon I’ve written at least 2187 posts (not including this one). That’s an average of over 15 posts a month over that period — although the early days were much sparser and rate is higher in the last couple of years.
Everything since November 2006 should be here and accessible via the Archives or Categories listings on the right.
Earlier posts are available as PDF files on the website:
* January-October 2006 at zenmischief.com/files/zm_weblog_2006.pdf
* Everything Before 2006 at zenmischief.com/files/zm_weblog_pre2005.pdf