Something a bit different and off the wall (well, hanging precariously anyway) for this year’s Birthday Meme.

1. Describe your personality.
   Lime green with spots; the spots start pink, then turn sky blue and fade out in golden yellow. All the while enhanced by wearing a purple stupidity.
2. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
   Oh so many choices! Boris Johnson has to be petty much at the top of the list, along with Michael Gove and David Cameron who combined got us right into this mess. Mind you the whole government are in the firing line. Bring back Guy Fawkes.
3. What shape is the sky?
   A flat plane in an arbitrary, possibly fractional, number greater than 4 dimensions. You get to choose the number, ‘cos no-one else can agree. Personally I favour 7.43.
4. Where do all the daylight saving hours go?
   They’re stored in a large warehouse in Outer Azerbaijan and used sparingly to give us sunny days during the winter.
5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?
   A yew. Sturdy; evergreen; long lived; green on the outside and threateningly dark inside; with poisonous berries.



6. What is your favourite place in the UK?
   Dungeness (above). Closely followed by Forde Abbey (in Dorset); Rye; and Lyme Regis.
7. If you could make a rule for a day and everyone had to follow it, what would it be?
   All clothes are banned and everyone must be nude at all times, and in all places. For ever, and ever. Amen.
8. If you had to replace your hands with something other than hands or claws, what would you put at the ends of your arms?
   Octopus tentacles with eyes on the tip. Just so useful, and such fun!



9. What mythical creature would improve the world most if it existed?
   Dragon. Think of all those unsuspecting twats it could toast. We could solve the population crisis overnight.
10. If you had a pet parrot, what would you teach it to say?
    “It’s yer coons, innit.” (in similitude Alf Garnett). Well no-one said it had to be PC.
11. What crazy name would you give your kid if you were a celebrity?
    Oh so many options. How about: Chardonnay-Madonna CherryPie or Coconut Bingo or Merkin Shaggy Cock.
12. If you won a trip to go anywhere on earth, where would you go?
    Iceland or more likely Japan (Kyoto & Niigata, above, rather than Tokyo).
13. Do you believe in the paranormal and would you go ghost hunting?
    My scientific head says “no”; but my heart says “yes” – There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, / Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
    And of course I’d go ghost hunting; science is there to find out.
14. Do you talk to garden gnomes? What do you say to them?
    We usually have a good gossip; they see most of what’s going on:
    “Hello, Old Chap. What’s the latest on the grapevine?”
    “I saw Mrs Jones had a visit from the coalman last Monday; he was there 2 hours. He left hurriedly ‘cos her husband was coming up the road. And he was ever so clean when he left.”
15. Pick one of your favourite quotes.
    Granny grasped her broomstick purposefully. “Million-to-one chances,” she said, “crop up nine times out of ten.”
    [Terry Pratchett; Equal Rites]