Category Archives: amusements

Victorian Police Court Amusement

Some day ago I was searching the local papers for the Dover area around 1860-70 for one of my ancestors, a certain Henry Williams, Booking Clerk with the SE Railway. (Yes, it’s needle in haystack stuff, but he’s elusive so I’m clutching at straws.) In the process I came upon the following, very non-PC by our standards but still highly amusing, court report in the Kentish Chronicle for 19 July 1862:

Beautifying a Black Man
A tall woolly-headed negro, named Henry Williams, was brought before Mr Selfe, at Worship-street Police Court, on Saturday, charged with creating a disturbance, and breaking a pane of glass in the shop window of Mr Noah Sayer, a barber, in Well-street, Wellelose Square.
William Butler, a journeyman barber, said the prisoner came into his master’s shop on Friday evening, and said he wanted beautifying [laughter]. He proceeded to shave the prisoner – to polish him up, and cut his hair. He then shampooed the prisoner [great laughter].
Mr Selfe: Shampooed him! How did you do that?
Witness: Oh, I shampooed him in the American style – dressed his hair, and poured some odoriferous stuff, and beautified him nicely [roars of laughter]. When I had done all that he offered me a penny.
Mr Selfe: A penny for beautifying a black man! [increased laughter]
Witness: I told him a penny would not do; the charge was a shilling. He said he was not half-beautified, and would not pay it, but after creating a great disturbance he paid the shilling and took up a pot of cosmetic, which he was about to put on his head [laughter]. I told him that could not be included, on which he seized me and threw me on the shop door, and broke a large pane of glass.
Mr Selfe: What cosmetic was it?
Witness: Pomade, sir.
Mr Selfe: To make his hair straight?
Witness: No, sir; it is the sort of pomade to make the hair curl.
Mr Selfe: Pomade to curl a black man’s hair; it will curl without pomade [laughter].
Mr Sayer, the proprietor of the barber’s shop, said this was no laughing matter; but as the prisoner had made it straight he would not press the charge.
Mr Selfe: Made what straight – his hair?
Mr Sayer: No; he will pay for the glass he has broken.
Mr Selfe: Very well. Now, Mr Williams, when you want to be beautified again, don’t meddle with the barber’s cosmetics and break his windows. You may go.
The black man, who looked all the better for the “polish” he had received from the barber, then withdrew.

Well first of all this is not “my” Henry Williams. And, yes, as I say, very non-PC by our standards, although one can’t help feeling that it was all rather knowingly tongue-in-cheek and that the reporter and magistrate enjoyed it as much as the public gallery. How times change in 150 years; no such exchange would be permitted these days.

Counters

Each month this year we’re bringing you a post under the general title “Things that Count in [Number]” where [Number] will be the month. And naturally each month’s post will contain the [Number] of items (so just one for January, up to 12 for December).

For our purposes the definition of counting includes things which either come in groups of [Number] (eg. four suits in a pack of playing cards) or things which count in [Number] (eg. decimal coinage counting in tens).

Things which Count in Four …

  1. The Beatles
  2. Violin strings
  3. Classical elements
  4. Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Your PC

Sorting through a box of old papers the other day, I happened upon the following from 1999. Not much changes!

Your PC
(PC = Personal Cat)

SPECIFICATIONS

Standard input:

  1. bilateral frontal whisker array
  2. bilateral adjustable audio dishes (range 20Hz-20kHz)
  3. stereoscopic scanning device, with night vision
  4. Velcro™ flavour sampling device/energy collector
  5. twin front-mounted odour sampling devices.

Standard output:

  1. internally mounted purr box
  2. single speaker with separate growl mode
  3. rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device

Processor:

  1. parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory
  2. autonomic control of system software

Included Hardware:

  1. calcium-based skeletal structure
  2. byte-to-bit conversion array
  3. retractable document shredder/hole punch
  4. paw pad printer
  5. mouse (standard catnip)

Also included: natural fibre protective covering in various colours.

SYSTEM SOFTWARE
Your PC will come pre loaded with one of the following:
• DOS (domestic short hair)
• OS (other short hair)
• MS (mega-soft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)

  1. Conversion to Eunuchs can be done by a simple operation. This is recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC clones.
  2. Bundled Software may include the following: Mortal Kombat, Acrobat, Explorer, and Stuff it Expander.
  3. Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as needed.
  4. There are no user-serviceable parts inside.

OPERATING YOUR PC

  1. To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can opener).
  2. Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep. Your PC will Sleep automatically if unused for a short period of time, or you may invoke the Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area. To wake your PC from Sleep you may press the power button as in Start, shake the mouse, or tap any of the PC’s input devices (see specs).
  3. To perform a Warm Boot: Remove your shoe, then tap the PC gently with your toes.
  4. To perform a Cold Boot: Same technique as for Warm Boot, but leave your shoe on.
  5. To Reboot: Repeat the Warm Boot.
  6. Cleaning your PC: Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface wash only. Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion is necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure your PC is fully dry when finished.
  7. Compatibility and Networking: Your PC is designed to independently assess compatibility with other PCs.
  8. Running Eunuchs will generally give your PC greater compatibility with other PCs. It may be necessary to install a fire wall between incompatible PCs as each may attempt to breach the other’s security systems.
  9. Compatible PCs may share thermal energy and cleaning tasks and may network for gaming purposes.
  10. Please note that your PC will be incompatible with units of type BIRD, FISH and RODENT, unless appropriate security measures (such as a fire wall) are installed. Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG units provided they occupy a subordinate position within the hierarchical structure.
  11. Power Requirements: Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat food. Direct supply of water. Direct access to solar and thermal energy sources.

TROUBLESHOOTING

  1. PC has difficulty exiting: Perform a Warm Boot.
  2. PC shares files from dinner/table/plates without permission: Boot your PC prior to running food-related software.
  3. PC hangs up phone during call: Try invoking sleep mode prior to making call. Otherwise perform a Warm Boot.
  4. PC is frozen: PC is probably scanning for small life forms. Wait for task to complete or, if necessary Warm Reboot.
  5. Deleted material not going to trash or recycling bin: Reprogram preferences in PC sys/litter box/deposit/target.aim.

Counters

Each month this year we’re bringing you a post under the general title “Things that Count in [Number]” where [Number] will be the month. And naturally each month’s post will contain the [Number] of items (so just one for January, up to 12 for December).

For our purposes the definition of counting includes things which either come in groups of [Number] (eg. four suits in a pack of playing cards) or things which count in [Number] (eg. decimal coinage counting in tens).

Things which Count in Three …

  1. Witches in Macbeth
  2. Bones in the middle ear
  3. Cerberus’ heads

Counters

Each month this year we’re bringing you a post under the general title “Things that Count in [Number]” where [Number] will be the month. And naturally each month’s post will contain the [Number] of items (so just one for January, up to 12 for December).

For our purposes the definition of counting includes things which either come in groups of [Number] (eg. four suits in a pack of playing cards) or things which count in [Number] (eg. decimal coinage counting in tens).

Things which Count in Two …

  1. Noah’s animals
  2. Lily-white boys

10 Books I’ve Loved: 10

Before Christmas I was nominated by Graham Page to post, over 10 days, the covers of 10 Books I’ve Loved, no explanation necessary – just the covers.

This is being spread over the five working days of each of two weeks. I don’t usually tag people on memes, and tagging someone every day (as requested) seems too big an imposition, so to compromise I’m nominating these five people to produce their own list: Alden O’Brien, Keeley Schell, Ivan Hutnik, John Monaghan, Ashley Herum. Of course anyone else is welcome to sing along!

Day 10 : Malcolm Bradbury; Rates of Exchange

Later in the year I hope to follow on with other similar themes. I already have Books I Hated / Can’t Read and Books I Found Influential / Formative lined up. There may be others.

10 Books I’ve Loved: 9

Before Christmas I was nominated by Graham Page to post, over 10 days, the covers of 10 Books I’ve Loved, no explanation necessary – just the covers.

This is being spread over the five working days of each of two weeks. I don’t usually tag people on memes, and tagging someone every day (as requested) seems too big an imposition, so to compromise I’m nominating these five people to produce their own list: Alden O’Brien, Keeley Schell, Ivan Hutnik, John Monaghan, Ashley Herum. Of course anyone else is welcome to sing along!

Day 9 : Nick Catford; Burlington: The Central Government Emergency War Headquarters at Corsham

Later in the year I hope to follow on with other similar themes. I already have Books I Hated / Can’t Read and Books I Found Influential / Formative lined up. There may be others.

10 Books I’ve Loved: 8

Before Christmas I was nominated by Graham Page to post, over 10 days, the covers of 10 Books I’ve Loved, no explanation necessary – just the covers.

This is being spread over the five working days of each of two weeks. I don’t usually tag people on memes, and tagging someone every day (as requested) seems too big an imposition, so to compromise I’m nominating these five people to produce their own list: Alden O’Brien, Keeley Schell, Ivan Hutnik, John Monaghan, Ashley Herum. Of course anyone else is welcome to sing along!

Day 8 : Gabriel Chevallier; Clochemerle

Later in the year I hope to follow on with other similar themes. I already have Books I Hated / Can’t Read and Books I Found Influential / Formative lined up. There may be others.

10 Books I’ve Loved: 7

Before Christmas I was nominated by Graham Page to post, over 10 days, the covers of 10 Books I’ve Loved, no explanation necessary – just the covers.

This is being spread over the five working days of each of two weeks. I don’t usually tag people on memes, and tagging someone every day (as requested) seems too big an imposition, so to compromise I’m nominating these five people to produce their own list: Alden O’Brien, Keeley Schell, Ivan Hutnik, John Monaghan, Ashley Herum. Of course anyone else is welcome to sing along!

Day 7 : Latham & Matthews; Diary of Samuel Pepys

Later in the year I hope to follow on with other similar themes. I already have Books I Hated / Can’t Read and Books I Found Influential / Formative lined up. There may be others.

10 Books I’ve Loved: 6

Before Christmas I was nominated by Graham Page to post, over 10 days, the covers of 10 Books I’ve Loved, no explanation necessary – just the covers.

This is being spread over the five working days of each of two weeks. I don’t usually tag people on memes, and tagging someone every day (as requested) seems too big an imposition, so to compromise I’m nominating these five people to produce their own list: Alden O’Brien, Keeley Schell, Ivan Hutnik, John Monaghan, Ashley Herum. Of course anyone else is welcome to sing along!

Day 6 : John Betjeman; High and Low

Later in the year I hope to follow on with other similar themes. I already have Books I Hated / Can’t Read and Books I Found Influential / Formative lined up. There may be others.