Category Archives: amusements

Ten Things: November

This year our Ten Things series, on the tenth of each month, is concentrating on things which are wackier than usual, if not by much. From odd road names to Christmas carols by way of saints and scientists. So here goes with November …

Ten Comedy Catchphrases

  1. “You dirty old man”
    Harold Steptoe; Steptoe and Son (right)
  2. “Silly Old Moo!”
    Alf Garnett; Till Death Us Do Part
  3. “Don’t panic!”
    Lance-Corporal Jones; Dad’s Army
  4. “You stupid boy”
    Captain George Mainwaring; Dad’s Army
  5. “It’s good night from me…”
    “…and it’s good night from him”
    Ronnie Corbett & Ronnie Barker; The Two Ronnies
  6. “I’m Free”
    Mr Humphries; Are You Being Served?
  7. “Listen Very Carefully, I Shall Say This Only Once”
    Michelle Dubois; ‘Allo ‘Allo!
  8. “I have a cunning plan”
    Baldrick; Blackadder
  9. “May your god go with you”
    Dave Allen
  10. “Just like that”
    Tommy Cooper

Weird Meme

So on Halloween I thought we might have a sort of weird-ish meme. Well of course it’s weird, it has 13 questions!

Let’s go …

  1. Can you describe your boobs using only a SFW picture of them?
     

     
  2. If you suddenly found out that your internal monologue for the last week was actually audible, how screwed would you be?
    Totally and utterly fucked, and probably certified.
     
  3. What two totally normal things become really weird if you do them back to back?
    Wanking. Well two of you wanking back-to-back is a bit weird isn’t it? Why wouldn’t you do it face-to-face so you can watch each other?
     
  4. What ridiculous and untrue, yet slightly plausible, theories can you come up with for the cause of common ailments?
    • Dental cavities are caused by the mouth imps mining for pearls.
    • It’s well known that people feel weak when they’re ill. This is because the elastic bands perish. Convalescence is needed to re-vulcanise the elastic.
    • Headaches are caused by a parasite scrubbing limescale off the inside of the skull; migraines happen when they reproduce and the nymphs get out of control like the Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

     

  5. What secret conspiracy would you like to start?
    The one that turns out to be true.
     
  6. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten or drunk?
    Well not really in the weird category, but Retsina probably wins by a short head from Absinthe. Both are absolutely vile.
     
  7. Are aliens real? How do you know?
    Who knows? They’re at least as likely as anything in is of being true! I’ll be surprised if they don’t exist somewhere in the universe, but we’ll likely never know for sure. Indeed can we ever know? See this in New Scientist.
     
  8. What’s your first executive order as king of this third-word country?
    (Re)nationalise all public transport and utilities; make all public transport (bus, train, tram) free; then ban the private car and internal air travel.
     
  9. Do you believe in the paranormal and would you go ghost hunting?
    As a scientist I find it difficult to credit the paranormal but I also know that there are many things we don’t (and maybe never can) understand so I concede that the paranormal is indeed a possibility. And yes, I would go ghost hunting.
     
  10. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve never done but want to?
    See a corpse flower. No, not like that! I means going to see an Amorphophallus titanum in flower.
     
  11. Have you ever been to a séance?
    Yes, we held séances during power cuts when I was a student.
     
  12. Have you ever met a supernatural being?
    Not visibly embodied, but certainly the effects of one – at least twice; once in an old empty house as a child; and again as a post-grad student at a friend’s flat.
     
  13. Tell us something unusual/weird about yourself.
    I think I exist.

Nobody is being tagged, but everyone feel free to join in if you wish. Post your version on your blog (or Facebook, or wherever) preferably with a link back here; and put a link in the comments below so we know where to find your version.

Monthly Quotes

“All aboard for another round of monthly quotes! Room for one more on top.”
Ding, Ding!


Boris Johnson shared the medical education [2020 Ig Nobel] prize with Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and a choice selection of other world leaders for demonstrating during the Covid-19 pandemic that politicians can have a more immediate effect on life and death than scientists and doctors can.
[From the Guardian]


We must not sacrifice our civilization for the greed of the few. Recent studies suggest that the world is getting close to exceeding its carbon budget. Therefore, this budget must become the most important currency of our time.
[Dalai Lama]


It is a damn poor mind indeed which can’t think of at least two ways to spell any word.
[Andrew Jackson, 7th President of USA]


Our entire bodies and brains are made of a few dollars’ worth of common elements: oxygen, hydrogen, nitrogen, carbon, enough calcium to whitewash a chicken coop, sufficient iron to make a two-inch nail, phosphorus to tip a good number of matches, enough sulphur to dust a flea-plagued dog, together with modest amounts of potassium, chlorine, magnesium and sodium. Assemble them all in the right proportion, build the whole into an intricate interacting system, and the result is our feeling, thinking, striving, imagining, creative selves. Such ordinary elements; such extraordinary results!
[James Hemmings]


Those who are always praising the past and especially the time of faith as best ought to go and live in the Middle Ages and be burnt at the stake as witches and sages.
[Stevie Smith]


Humans uniquely know that they have been born … and that they will die. We understand that we, as individuals, had a beginning, and that we will not endure for ever … [All] religion is, at its roots, at its foundations, concerned with giving us solace in the face of this frankly unimaginable – but at the some time, incontestable and unavoidable – fact.
[Prof. Alice Roberts]


People sometimes say to me, “Why don’t you admit that the hummingbird, the butterfly, the Bird of Paradise are proof of the wonderful things produced by Creation?” And I always say, well, when you say that, you’ve also got to think of a little boy sitting on a river bank, like here, in West Africa, that’s got a little worm, a living organism, in his eye and boring through the eyeball and is slowly turning him blind. The Creator God that you believe in, presumably, also mode that little worm.
[David Attenborough]


The closer you get to real matter, rock, air, fire, wood, the more spiritual the world is.
[Jack Kerouac]


What if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: “This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and every thing unutterably mall or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence – even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again, and you with it, speck of dust!”
Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: “You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine.” If this thought gained possession of you, it would change you as you are or perhaps crush you. The question in each and every thing, “Do you desire this once more and innumerable times more?” would lie upon your actions as the greatest weight. Or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?

[Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, 1882]


We may regard the present state of the universe as the effect of its past and the cause of its future. An intellect which at a certain moment would know all forces that set nature in motion, and all positions of all items of which nature is composed, if this intellect were also vast enough to submit these data to analysis, it would embrace in a single formula the movements of the greatest bodies of the universe and those of the tiniest atom; for such an intellect nothing would be uncertain and the future just like the past would be present before its eyes.
[Pierre Simon Laplace, 1814]


Being a Humanist means trying to behave decently without expectation of rewards or punishment after you are dead.
[Kurt Vonnegut]


O God, I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams.
[William Shakespeare, Hamlet]


How a government treats refugees is instructive – it shows how they would treat the rest of us if they thought they could get away with it.
[Tony Benn]


If we spent half an hour every day in silent immobility, I am convinced that we should conduct all our affairs, personal, national, and international, far more sanely than we do at present.
[Bertrand Russell]


Peace and quiet are the things a wise man should cherish.
[Taoist proverb]


Ten Things: October

This year our Ten Things series, on the tenth of each month, is concentrating on things which are wackier than usual, if not by much. From odd road names to Christmas carols by way of saints and scientists. So here goes with October …

Ten Pieces of Femto Fiction

[Femto Fiction (or Micro-Micro Fiction) is that which, while looking like a short book title, with almost no imagination tells you the whole story. Genre of work in brackets.]

  1. Gothic Pricks [horror]
  2. Christmas Goose [erotica]
  3. Feel the Mistletoe [romance]
  4. A Strangely Beaked Bird [thriller]
  5. Educated Derelict [autobiography]
  6. Pubic Overtures [erotica] (right)
  7. Duck Shooting in Venice [autobiography]
  8. A Case of Yellow Haddock [detective]
  9. French Knickers [romance]
  10. Admiral Horatio Leftsmith [fiction]

Science Limerick

I’ve just come across this tetra-Limerick which I’d not seen before. It amused me today, in a science-y way …

It filled Galileo with mirth
To watch his two rocks fall to Earth.
He gladly proclaimed,
“Their rates are the same,
And quite independent of girth!”
 
Then Newton announced in due course
His own law of gravity’s force:
“It goes, I declare,
As the inverted square
Of the distance from object to source.”
 
But remarkably, Einstein’s equation
Succeeds to describe gravitation
As spacetime that’s curved,
And it’s this that will serve
As the planets’ unique motivation.
 
Yet the end of the story’s not written;
By a new way of thinking we’re smitten.
We twist and we turn,
Attempting to learn
The Superstring Theory of Witten!

Found at Brownielocks.

Monthly Links

Once more unto the breach, dear comrades, to bring you this month’s selection of links to items you may have missed the first time round. And an e-glass of e-ale to anyone who can knit the links into a coat of mail!


Science, Technology, Natural World

Let’s begin with another look at why wasps are so annoying, but yet so useful.

Oh and for anyone wanting to scare their visitors, you can buy a roughly five times life-size model of an Asian Giant Hornet (aka. “murder hornet”).

If you never understood why mathematics is so fascinating, take a look at odd perfect numbers. [LONG READ]

And changing topic again, scientists think they’ve found phosphine gas in Venus’ upper atmosphere, and say this could be a sign of life (albeit microbial life). Meanwhile Derek Lowe explains about phosphine but remains somewhat sceptical of the latest results.


Health, Medicine

The logistics around distribution of any vaccine (well any drug really) are complex, especially when one gets into the realm of Cold Chain Distribution.

But then we need to keep our feet in the real world as no vaccine will work by magic and return us to normality.

Girls: have you ever needed to pee standing up and envied us men our flexible hose? If so, the Shewee may be your friend.


Environment

Rewilding as an environment improvement method is taking time to get going, but not if one maverick Devon farmer has anything to do with it.


Social Sciences, Business, Law

So who thinks Scottish bank notes are legal tender in England? Spoiler: they aren’t! And what is legal tender anyway?


History, Archaeology, Anthropology

There’s some new archaeology at Pompeii which is uncovering more of its past.

Medieval sermons were one of the most effective and wide-reaching forms of propaganda, but that only works if they are in the vernacular. [LONG READ]

The people of medieval Europe were devoted to their dogs. [LONG READ]

Transport until the early part of the 20th century was largely dependent on the horse: either being ridden or pulling a wagon of some description. Here’s a look at horse transport in Victorian times.


Lifestyle, Personal Development, Beliefs

Oliver Burkeman, writing his last regular column for the Guardian, talks about his eight secrets for a fulfilled life.

If you’re dreading a long, dark winter lockdown, then maybe the Norwegians have something for you.

So what does your cat mean by “miaow”? A Japanese vet is apparently earning a fortune telling people what their cats are saying. Personally I thought we had a fairly good idea!


Shock, Horror, Humour, Wow!

Magawa, an African giant pouched rat, has been awarded a gold medal for his work detecting landmines in Cambodia. I must say he’s a rather handsome animal, and well deserving of his apparently upcoming retirement.

And finally, what is the connexion between frozen shit and narcissists’ eyebrows? Yes, of course, it’s this year’s Ig Nobel prizes.


Ten Things: September

This year our Ten Things series, on the tenth of each month, is concentrating on things which are wackier than usual, if not by much. From odd road names to Christmas carols by way of saints and scientists. So here goes with September …

Ten Relatively Unknown Scientists

  1. Robert Hooke (1653-1703)
  2. John Flamstead (1646-1719)
  3. Paul Dirac (1902-84)
  4. Mary Anning (1799-1847)
  5. Eric Laithwaite (1921-97)
  6. Alice Hamilton (1869-1970) (right)
  7. Paul Flory (1910-85)
  8. Paracelcus (1493-1541)
  9. Emmy Noether (1882-1935)
  10. Grace Hopper (1906-92)

If you’re interested to know more, all have Wikipedia entries.