Category Archives: amusements

amusements, pleasures

Amusements of the Year, 2020

Here’s my usual round-up of things which have amused me during the year. Unsurprisingly this has not been a vintage year for amusement.

Product of the Year
This is one of the few categories which has done reasonably well again this year. Here are the top three:

Vagina Scented Candle
No really! Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP have been selling a candle called THIS SMELLS LIKE MY VAGINA. Hmmmm … OK!

White Chocolate Brain
Freezer supermarket Iceland were selling this beauty in the run-up to Halloween. Sadly it now appears to be discontinued.

100% Halal Mini Assorted Liquorice Pencils with Fondant Filling
Buy these on Amazon!

Headline

Skin cream applied to mosquito bites stops viruses infecting mice
according to New Scientist back in January.

Truth of the Year
Well there really is only one contender. As John Crace in the Guardian said: Boris’s speech was designed as a quick win. Then he opened his mouth.

Plonker of the Year
Again there is but one (collection) of contenders: the whole of the UK Cabinet.

Blog
Not just for its amusement value but also as a serious exploration of history this year’s nomination is the Going Medieval blog written by academic Dr Eleanor Janega. It describes itself as Medieval History, Pop Culture, Swearing.

Research Topic
Back in the early part of the year the following was posted on Twitter:
Open PhD position at Linköping University in Sweden on the effects of domestication on brain structure in relation to social cognition in chickens.

Auction Item
As regular readers will know, we love the strange things which people sell at auctions. This year’s superlative has to be from our local auction house in February:
A life size model of Elvis Presley seated on a stool playing his guitar.

Personal Name
The top three names encountered this year are:

  • Superintendent Pigg, of the Metropolitan Police.
  • Will Welfare, who in February was interim deputy director of health protection for Public Health England North West.
  • Leonardi Da Vinci Williams (died 1846, Lambeth), who I found while doing family history research.

Place Name
Family history research also told us about
Madams Court Farm near Sittingbourne which is owned by the Hooker family.

Neologism
This year’s award is shared five ways by:

  • pseudo-profound bullshit (as in most self-help books)
  • friendly neighbourhood courtesan (a quality prostitute)
  • luxury companion (also a quality prostitute)
  • vaginal wedge (as they say on Oz: map of Tasmania)
  • rapid unscheduled disassembly (it blew up!)

Animal
So now to our animal of the year, where we have two winners but for different reasons.

First place goes to Magawa, the African Giant Pouched Rat who has been honoured for his work helping clear landmines.

Secondly there is the recently rediscovered Somali Sengi, a tiny elephant shrew which “mates for life, can race around at 30km/h and sucks up ants with its trunk-like nose”.

Occupation
This year’s occupation is Nob Thatcher, ie. a wig-maker.

Word
A three-way tie here this year:

  • Picatrix (Ancient Roman). A girl who administered the equivalent of a bikini waxing.
  • Meretrix (Ancient Roman). A prostitute.
  • Yellowplush (early 19th-century). Epithet for a footman, after their often yellow plush leggings (think the Frog and Fish footmen in Alice in Wonderland).

Marketing Bollocks
Well it’s all “marketing bollocks” really, isn’t it? But this year’s superlative goes to this from the cosmetics company Lush:

As you close your eyes and inhale frankincense oil, you see yourself walking in a pine and eucalyptus forest, your steps taking you to a sun-bathed clearing. Here, a steamy spring welcomes you in its warm and surprisingly citrus-scented water. While you thought you couldn’t be more relaxed, a misty incense smoke spreads around you, balancing and settling your mind.

OK, so that’s all for this year’s edition. We’ll be looking out for brilliance again next year; contributions are always welcome. Let’s see if we can make it a vintage year!

Meanwhile remember, folks: Losers eat turnips and don’t have a pastry chef.

amusements, personal, pleasures

To Keep You Amused …

Just in case anyone is at a loose end over the holidays we bring you news of one of the year’ds great events: the King William’s College General Knowledge Paper 2020-21.

According to Wikipedia: Since 1904, the College has set an annual general knowledge test, known as the General Knowledge Paper (GKP). The pupils sit the test twice: once unseen on the day before the Christmas holidays, and again when they return to school in the New Year, after spending the holiday researching the answers. It is well known to be highly difficult, a common score being just two correct answers from the list of several hundred. The best scores are 40 to 50 for the unseen test and about 270 out of 360 for the second sitting.

The quiz is always introduced with the Latin motto Scire ubi aliquid invenire possis, ea demum maxima pars eruditionis est, “To know where you can find anything is, after all, the greatest part of erudition.”

You can find this year’s GKP on the King William’s College website at https://www.kwc.im/uploads/questions-2020-21.pdf.

As usual I shall not be getting 100% as tonight’s bedtime reading.

amusements, quotes

Monthly Quotes

And for the final time this year, here’s our monthly round-up of quotes interesting and amusing.

The philosopher Diogenes (c.412-323 BCE) was described by Plato as “a Socrates gone mad”. He lived in a barrel & believed man must embrace nature & reject shame. He openly masturbated in public, saying “If only it were so easy to soothe hunger by rubbing an empty belly”.
[@WhoresofYore on Twitter]

The two greatest defences against infectious diseases are:
1. Clean water
2. Vaccines – the the single most life-saving medical innovation in the history of medicine.
[Prof. Alice Roberts]

When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called Religion.
[Robert M Pirsig]

Each person has come into manifestation for a certain purpose and that purpose will be accomplished whether he considers himself to be the actor or not.
[Ramana Maharshi]

The present is no more a real feature of the world than the deliciousness of haggis. It is just a feature of how we experience time.
[Will Bynoe; Logic and Monsters]

A corollary of “any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic” is that actually coaxing that technology into functioning properly is indistinguishable from spell-casting.
[Katie Mack, @AstroKatie on Twitter]

My standard response to tech complaints is “have you painted yourself blue & turned 3x widdershins while saying an incantation?” Response “No” of course. Me: “Then you haven’t tried *everything*.”
[@WTEDyke on Twitter]

The eminent seat of delectation in women when they engage in venery.
[16th-century Italian anatomist Realdo Colombo on the clitoris]

A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism.
[Carl Sagan]

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
[Douglas Adams]

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
[George Carlin]

In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We’re only one God away from total agreement.
[Michael Shermer]

Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
[George Burns]

Stars, too, were time travellers. How many of those ancient points of light were the last echoes of suns now dead? How many had been born but their light not yet come this far? If all the suns but ours collapsed tonight, how many lifetimes would it take us to realize we were alone? I had always known the sky was full of mysteries – but not until now had I realized how full of them the earth was.
[Ransom Riggs, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children]