Category Archives: amusements

amusements, books, current affairs, personal

Zen Mischief Awards for 2008

Here is my personal Honours List for 2008:

Most Annoying Person of the Year: Gordon Brown (together with the whole of the current Cabinet)

Most Dangerous Person of the Year: A tie between Robert Mugabe and George W Bush

Most Boring Event of the Year: Beijing Olympics

Biggest National Disaster of the Year: Government bailout of the banks

Star of the Year: Noreen – for her book, Dictionary of Children’s Clothes, and for still being married to me!

Person with the Least Clue this Year: Gordon Brown

Personal Achievements this Year: (a) I’m still working, (b) I lost 30Kg

Personal Highlight of the Year: Short Break in Germany in February

Personal Lowlights of the Year: (a) Current work project, (b) no major holiday for the second year running, (c) lack of time for the Anthony Powell Society, my family or myself, (d) I put back on 3-4 Kg having lost it.

Personal Unfulfilled Dreams this Year: (a) No golden handshake, (b) no big lottery win, (c) can’t yet retire in comfort.

amusements, memes, personal

Name Meme

So here is another meme which I came across quite some while ago courtesy of Katyboo.

1. What is your name? Keith

2. Complete the following statements using the first letter of your name to start each answer.

A four letter word: Kite
A Girl’s Name: Keeley
A Boy’s Name: Kingsley
An Occupation: King
A colour: Khaki (it’s the only one I can think of)
Something you wear: Kilt
A Beverage: Keemun Tea (can anyone think of another?)
Food: Kiwi Fruit
Something Found in a Bathroom: Key (well there’s one in my bathroom!)
A City: Köln
A Country: Kazakhstan
Song With a Girl’s Name in the Title: Kate, Ben Folds Five (1997)
Something You Shout: Kill!
Celebrity: Kylie Minogue
Cartoon Character: King Rollo
Flower: Kalanchoë
Animal: Kiwi
Fruit: Kiwi
A Book Title: King Arthur’s Round Table: An Archaeological Investigation by Martin Biddle
A Film Title: King Kong

3. And now tag 4 or 5 of your friends. I tag anyone who wants to take up the baton!

amusements

Zen Mischievous Moments #147

Girls, Be very careful if you think of taking your husband or boiyfriend to the supoermarket with you. Maybe they really are better left at home watching the football! …

Dear Mrs. Murphy,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3’ in Housewares … and watched what happened.

September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the ‘Madonna look’ using different size funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ‘PICK ME!’ ‘PICK ME!’

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again.’

And last, but not least:

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, ‘There is no toilet paper in here.’

amusements

Credit Crunch Amusements

Came across these the other day.

Things are now so bad with the credit crunch that women are having sex with their husbands, because they can’t afford the price of batteries!

What’s the capital of Iceland? About £4.20

You know there’s a credit crunch on, when you go to the cash point and the machine asks if you can spare some change…

I bought an advent calendar from Woolworths yesterday – but all the windows on it are boarded up!

Well they amused me! For about 10 seconds.

amusements, current affairs, people, personal, thoughts

Oliver Postgate RIP

1 Comment

Oliver Postgate, creator (with Peter Firmin) of many seminal and brilliant children’s cartoons, has died at the age of 83.

Postgate’s first creation was Ivor the Engine (in 1958), followed many, many others including Noggin the Nog, The Clangers and the universally loved Bagpuss. Although I never saw these as a kid (my enlightened(?) parents refused to have one of these “appalling peddlers of trash” TVs until I was at university) I found both Bagpuss and The Clangers as an adult. I loved them and I still do, to the extent that some of the “catch phrases” have become a part of our ecolect, notably “the mice on the mouse organ”, “Professor Yaffle”, “the Soup Dragon” and “Blue String Pudding”.

Here is not the place to write a full scale obituary, but you can find more about Oliver Postgate and his work at:

I have to admit to agreeing with Sarah Vine in the last of those linked pages, that this should be a national day of mourning. The world needs more Like Oliver Postgate.

amusements, science

New Element

I came across the following announcement on the intertubes a couple of days ago …

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, “Governmentium” (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called “morons”, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called “peons”. Since “Governmentium” has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of “Governmentium” can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete. “Governmentium” has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, “Governmentium’s” mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming “isodopes”. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that “Governmentium” is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, “Governmentium” becomes “Administratium”, an element that radiates just as much energy as “Governmentium” since it has half as many “peons” but twice as many “morons”.

amusements, current affairs, pleasures, thoughts

Only the English

Last Sunday, Joff Summerfield arrived in Greenwich on his penny-farthing having left there 2½ years earlier by the same mode of transport. In the intervening time he has peddled his penny-farthing round the world at a rate of up to 40 miles a day, all in aid of charity. Joff Summerfield is, of course, English.

Summerfield was interviewed on BBC TV Breakfast this morning:

Presenter: Are you the first person to do this?
JS: No, I’m actually the second. The previous person did it over 100 years ago.
Presenter: How long did it take him?
JS: About the same as it took me.

In fact Summerfield claims he is the first person to achieve this feat since Thomas Stevens, who was also English, in 1884-7, although he started and ended in San Francisco.

Apparently the thing people most asked him was “Why?”, which seems hardly suprising! His reply? “It’s pretty much what we English do. It’s an adventure.” The mammoth tour was his third attempt at circumnavigation on a penny-farthing.

Oh and along the way he also came second in the novice category of the Penny-Farthing World Championships.

amusements, food+drink, ramblings, science

Equilateral Chocolate

1 Comment

In his “Anti Gravity” column in the latest (November issue) Scientific American Steve Mirsky write rather mischievously, even zen mischievously, about recent food research “trivia”. The article contains this gem of a paragraph:

The journal Science reports that mathematicians from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, New York University and the Free University of Brussels have igured out a better way to wrap spherical pieces of chocolate. There’s a lot of wasted material when wrapping spheres with square pieces of foil or paper. But our intrepid geometers found that by using equilateral triangles rather than squares, they could generate a savings of 0.1 percent. That’s one full square saved for every 1,000 pieces of triangle-wrapped chocolate you eat.

Doh? Well so what? Well let’s (very roughly) translate that into something meaningful.

Making some reasonable assumptions about wrapper size and weight … If every man, woman and child in the UK ate just 10 triangular wrapped chocolates this Christmas the savings in the wrappings would amount enough paper/foil to cover a full size football pitch. Can’t imagine Wembley Stadium covered in chocolate wrappers? OK. The weight of that saved wrapping is roughly equivalent to 1,000 ½lb boxes of chocolates! Now that’s a lot of over indulgence, even by my standards!

Oh and you can find the full Steve Mirsky article here.

amusements, memes, photography, pleasures, thoughts

Just for Fun Meme


Just for Fun Meme, originally uploaded by kcm76.

1. Project Manager Pig, 2. (another kind of) self-portrait, post (flesh/blue) self, 3. Music to My Ears, 4. EthnicRR India, 5. 365.153 – looking glass, 6. My Swearing Fridge, 7. one cherry, 8. WHY I LOVE MOM, 9. Persian Carpets, 10. I’m not just a music freak. I can read too!, 11. Tomatoes, 12. Rosa Tuscany – Old Velvet Rose

This turned out, quite unexpectedly, as an interesting colour progression!

Questions & Answers:
1. What is your occupation right now? IT Project Manager
2. What color are your socks right now? Flesh, ‘cos I ain’t wearing any
3. What are you listening to right now? My ears
4. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone? Robin in India
5. What is the last movie you watched? I don’t do films, so I don’t have a clue
6. How do you vent anger? By swearing
7. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries, every time
8. When was the last time you cried? When the Floss cat died
9. What is on the floor of your closet? Carpet
10. What did you do last night? Read
11. What are you most afraid of? Not having money and health
12. What is your favorite flower? Old roses

Created with fd’s Flickr Toys.