Category Archives: amusements

amusements, current affairs, environment, science

Zen Mischievous Moments #148

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The following from New Scientist dated 07/02/2009 …

Danger: airborne turtles

BLAMING Canada geese for forcing a US Airways jet to ditch in the Hudson river seems logical. They’re big enough to cause serious damage to any plane that hits them, and thousands have settled around New York City. Sure enough, when we checked the Federal Aviation Administration’s National Wildlife Strike Database at www.planestrikes.notlong.com, Canada geese were high on the list, with 1266 reports of them hitting aircraft between 1990 and 2008, 103 of which were in New York State.

With all three New York City airports close to the ocean, gulls also seemed likely suspects and, yes, over the same period, 1208 gull strikes were reported in New York, out of a total of 9843 gulls that collided with planes across the US. Further scrutiny of the list revealed that other collision victims include 145 bald eagles and 15 black-capped chickadees. An endangered whooping crane was hit in Wisconsin. We began to think that nothing that flies is safe. Then we spotted an entry for turtles.

One can imagine circumstances in which turtles could become airborne, although not of the turtle’s volition. It would, however, seem quite hard to hit a plane with a tossed turtle. Yet 80 turtles suffered this fate, including 23 in New York State. The turtles weren’t alone. Armadillos are, if anything, even less aerodynamic than turtles, yet planes struck 14 of them in Florida, two in Louisiana and one in Oklahoma, although Texas armadillos successfully avoided aircraft. In addition, 13 American alligators hit planes in Florida.

We can report that our mental picture of airborne armadillos, alligators and turtles did not survive long. We were forced to conclude that although the FAA doesn’t specify it, these animals had their collisions with aircraft on the ground, presumably during take-off and landing. It was interesting to note, though, that some terrestrial species seem much better at dodging planes than others. No one reported hitting wolves, bears, sheep or goats, but the toll included 811 deer, 310 coyotes, 146 skunks, 146 foxes, 33 domestic dogs, 18 domestic cats, eight cattle, six moose, five horses, two river otters, and a single unfortunate pig.

amusements, current affairs

Today's Cartoons

There are some rather amusing (no, not side-splittingly funny, just rather amusing) cartoons in today’s Times, all making political comment on these trying times. As the Times doesn’t print most of them, I naughtily reproduce them here; ownership remains with the Times, of course.

First Peter Brookes …

And then three pocket cartoons …

amusements, books, current affairs, personal

Zen Mischief Awards for 2008

Here is my personal Honours List for 2008:

Most Annoying Person of the Year: Gordon Brown (together with the whole of the current Cabinet)

Most Dangerous Person of the Year: A tie between Robert Mugabe and George W Bush

Most Boring Event of the Year: Beijing Olympics

Biggest National Disaster of the Year: Government bailout of the banks

Star of the Year: Noreen – for her book, Dictionary of Children’s Clothes, and for still being married to me!

Person with the Least Clue this Year: Gordon Brown

Personal Achievements this Year: (a) I’m still working, (b) I lost 30Kg

Personal Highlight of the Year: Short Break in Germany in February

Personal Lowlights of the Year: (a) Current work project, (b) no major holiday for the second year running, (c) lack of time for the Anthony Powell Society, my family or myself, (d) I put back on 3-4 Kg having lost it.

Personal Unfulfilled Dreams this Year: (a) No golden handshake, (b) no big lottery win, (c) can’t yet retire in comfort.

amusements, memes, personal

Name Meme

So here is another meme which I came across quite some while ago courtesy of Katyboo.

1. What is your name? Keith

2. Complete the following statements using the first letter of your name to start each answer.

A four letter word: Kite
A Girl’s Name: Keeley
A Boy’s Name: Kingsley
An Occupation: King
A colour: Khaki (it’s the only one I can think of)
Something you wear: Kilt
A Beverage: Keemun Tea (can anyone think of another?)
Food: Kiwi Fruit
Something Found in a Bathroom: Key (well there’s one in my bathroom!)
A City: Köln
A Country: Kazakhstan
Song With a Girl’s Name in the Title: Kate, Ben Folds Five (1997)
Something You Shout: Kill!
Celebrity: Kylie Minogue
Cartoon Character: King Rollo
Flower: Kalanchoë
Animal: Kiwi
Fruit: Kiwi
A Book Title: King Arthur’s Round Table: An Archaeological Investigation by Martin Biddle
A Film Title: King Kong

3. And now tag 4 or 5 of your friends. I tag anyone who wants to take up the baton!

amusements

Zen Mischievous Moments #147

Girls, Be very careful if you think of taking your husband or boiyfriend to the supoermarket with you. Maybe they really are better left at home watching the football! …

Dear Mrs. Murphy,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3’ in Housewares … and watched what happened.

September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the ‘Madonna look’ using different size funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ‘PICK ME!’ ‘PICK ME!’

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again.’

And last, but not least:

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, ‘There is no toilet paper in here.’

amusements

Credit Crunch Amusements

Came across these the other day.

Things are now so bad with the credit crunch that women are having sex with their husbands, because they can’t afford the price of batteries!

What’s the capital of Iceland? About £4.20

You know there’s a credit crunch on, when you go to the cash point and the machine asks if you can spare some change…

I bought an advent calendar from Woolworths yesterday – but all the windows on it are boarded up!

Well they amused me! For about 10 seconds.

amusements, current affairs, people, personal, thoughts

Oliver Postgate RIP

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Oliver Postgate, creator (with Peter Firmin) of many seminal and brilliant children’s cartoons, has died at the age of 83.

Postgate’s first creation was Ivor the Engine (in 1958), followed many, many others including Noggin the Nog, The Clangers and the universally loved Bagpuss. Although I never saw these as a kid (my enlightened(?) parents refused to have one of these “appalling peddlers of trash” TVs until I was at university) I found both Bagpuss and The Clangers as an adult. I loved them and I still do, to the extent that some of the “catch phrases” have become a part of our ecolect, notably “the mice on the mouse organ”, “Professor Yaffle”, “the Soup Dragon” and “Blue String Pudding”.

Here is not the place to write a full scale obituary, but you can find more about Oliver Postgate and his work at:

I have to admit to agreeing with Sarah Vine in the last of those linked pages, that this should be a national day of mourning. The world needs more Like Oliver Postgate.

amusements, science

New Element

I came across the following announcement on the intertubes a couple of days ago …

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, “Governmentium” (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called “morons”, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called “peons”. Since “Governmentium” has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of “Governmentium” can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete. “Governmentium” has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, “Governmentium’s” mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming “isodopes”. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that “Governmentium” is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, “Governmentium” becomes “Administratium”, an element that radiates just as much energy as “Governmentium” since it has half as many “peons” but twice as many “morons”.