All posts by Keith

I’m a controversialist and catalyst, quietly enabling others to develop by providing different ideas and views of the world. Born in London in the early 1950s and initially trained as a research chemist I retired as a senior project manager after 35 years in the IT industry. Retirement is about community give-back and finding some equilibrium. Founder and Honorary Secretary of the Anthony Powell Society. Chairman of my GP's patient group.

Blue Poodles

Book titles can be an endless source of fascination. What makes a good title? When does an amusing title work and when does it just become droll. Why do publishers change your amusing or off the wall working title into something more descriptive but boring? Isn’t Blue Poodles a much better title than The Semiotic Use of Color in Californian Dog Parlours?

But one always wonders how many of the odd titles one comes across are real and how many are accidental. Do publishers and authors really have no sense of the ridiculous? Or are they actually out to lunch?

Grubbing around in the intertubes the other day, the way one does, I found that Horace Bent, the pseudonymous diarist of The Bookseller magazine, has been collecting, and awarding an annual prize for, the oddest book titles.

While not all appeal to my strangely warped sense of the ridiculous, many are brilliant. The list includes:

  • Managing a Dental Practice: The Genghis Khan Way
  • Baboon Metaphysics
  • Strip and Knit with Style
  • The Industrial Vagina
  • The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification
  • Tattoed [sic] Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan: Magic Medicine Symbols in Silk, Stone, Wood and Flesh
  • Bombproof Your Horse
  • Living with Crazy Buttocks
  • First You Take a Leek
  • Whose Bottom? A Lift-the-Flap Book
  • Guide to Eskimo Rolling
  • American Bottom Archaeology
  • Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality
  • Optical Chick Sexing
  • Penetrating Wagner’s Ring
  • Waterproofing Your Child

You can find the full list here.

Grandma Marshall

This week’s theme over at The Gallery is A Family Story. As Tara says

This week I want you to dig back into your archives — be that last week, last year or the last century — and tell me a story. You know those quirky little stories you pass on from generation to generation? Every picture tells a little story, but some tell a really special one. I want to see THAT photo.

So … This is an oil painting of my father’s mother done by my mother, probably in the early 1960s. I photographed the painting a couple of years ago.

Grandma Marshall

It is a scarily accurate representation. Yes, she was as miserable as she looks; I never recall her being in the least bit fun — but that’s what strict Baptism and being left by your husband for a young floozy during WWII does for you, I guess. (Somewhere I have three illegitimate half-aunts by my grandfather.) Only now am I beginning to understand some of what happened and the ramifications — but that’s not itself the point of the story.

My grandmother died in 1973. I had no contact with her, or my father’s brother and sister, after the mid-60s (when I would have been in my mid-teens). My father more or less disowned his sister when she married her (widowed) cousin (she knew she could never have children so that wasn’t a consideration).

My grandmother’s death brought about the final rift between my father and his family. My father understood that his brother and sister were accusing him of only being after his mother’s money (there wasn’t any!) when he was asking questions merely because he was his mother’s executor. He stood down as my grandmother’s executor and a rift was created. A rift which was never healed.

I missed my aunt. She and I had always got on well and she took a keen interest in how well I was doing. To be honest I didn’t miss my grandmother or my uncle, but then I saw little of them anyway. I knew I dared not re-make contact while my father was alive as that would only make matters worse.

When my father died in 2006, at the age of 86, I figured that if they were still alive his brother and sister (both younger than my father) deserved the courtesy of knowing. I had to do some research; I knew only my aunt’s and my uncle’s approximate addresses from my teenage years. Where were they now? Were they even alive? I thought my aunt probably wasn’t — a gut feeling which turned out to be wrong; it was my uncle’s wife and their eldest son who had died.

I found addresses; I hoped they were correct. I wrote them both a short letter with a Christmas card. In it I said that I hoped they would excuse my intrusion, that I thought they should know what had happened and an invited them, if they chose, to get in touch otherwise I would remain silent. The most I expected was a return Christmas card with a polite note. But within 24 hours I had both my aunt and uncle on the phone. They were delighted to remake contact. So after a gap of well over 40 years I met up with both of them, and my cousins plus some of their children.

As a result of healing the rift I have learnt a lot more about my family, and especially the circumstances surrounding all the angst. There was, of course, far more than met my teenage eyes. I am in the process of putting together all my aunt’s and my father’s papers. I can now see why my grandmother, my grandfather, my father and his siblings were as they were/are — and some of the joins that weren’t made thus causing the rift. Luckily my aunt decided at a young age to rise above it, and did so. She became a very senior nurse and declined more than one appointment as a Matron. Despite my father I too have mostly managed to rise above the negativity although somewhat later in life.

As to the painting, Noreen and I discovered it amongst my mother’s art work when we were clearing out her bungalow after she moved into a care home a couple of years ago. (My mother is now 96 and still drawing and painting!) Knowing my aunt (the youngest child) was close to her mother, I sent her this photograph of the painting.

In June 2010 I was invited to my aunt’s 80th birthday party. Not knowing what on earth to buy her I thought she should have the painting. Luckily my mother agreed. We had it framed. You cannot imagine how delighted she was! Here she is, looking unnaturally solemn, after being presented with the painting.

Jessie with Portrait of her Mother

Quote: Experiencing

The primary difference between the western and indigenous ways of life is that [American] Indians experience and relate to a living universe, whereas western people reduce all things, living or not, to objects.

Vine Deloria

Listography: It's guaranteed to wind me up!

In this week’s Listography Kate is asking that we write down the top five phrases which drive us crazy.

Only five Kate? I could write a whole book!

Anyway here is a selection of five.

He should be there. The immortal words of every taxi controller when you ring up to find out what happened to the car that you booked for half an hour ago. Yes, I know he should be here, but guess what? He isn’t. Which is why I’m ringing you, dickhead!

People are confused. So frequently heard in the media these days. It seems to be polite-speak for “We think people are terminally thick so we’re going to condescend to them and tell them what to do”. People usually aren’t confused. They may not know. And they may not be intelligent enough to understand. But they aren’t usually confused, unless you deliberately confused them to start with.

You’ll have to phone X. Why? This is your problem as it is you I’m complaining to. You should be owning the problem and getting it sorted for me. Why do I, the customer, have to do the running around — and paying for phone calls — when you’ve screwed up?

It’s not my fault. Another refuge of the inadequate call centre** droid. Yes, I know it isn’t your fault, but you are representing your company and it’s you that I, the customer, am asking for help. Now own the problem and do something.

My system is going slow or We’re having IT problems today. Yet another refuge of the call centre assistant. What you mean is your company doesn’t invest properly in its IT infrastructure. Makes me wonder why I do business with people who can’t run a business properly!

Oh and a bonus for good luck … Can I just pop you on hold a moment? Another perpetrated by the call centre. Translate as “I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about so I’ll let you pay to listen to crap music for 10 minutes while Tracey tries to explain it to me for the third time today”. This is yet another sign that your call centre is being run on the cheap: the people aren’t well enough trained and there aren’t enough of them for the volume of calls. It would be more polite to say “I’m sorry, I don’t know. Please may I get someone to call you back”? — as long as they do call back promptly!

Oh God, they’re all about poor service, which makes me sound a real grumpy old git. I’m not really. And I’m usually fairly forgiving, if only because I know what it’s like manning a call centre (and being a checkout assistant)! As well as being a customer, everyone should have to spend time working the other side of the counter and dealing with the awful public. It might make people a bit more polite to call centre staff, but maybe less forgiving of poor management.

It’s such a delight when one does come across someone who is friendly, does know and really does help fix the problem. I try to make a point of thanking them and telling them how good their service has been.

So what gets right up your goat then missus?

** I use “call centre” loosely to include all those counter assistants one dreads having to deal with in computer stores, home appliance stores, banks etc.

Reasons to be Grateful: 12

Experiment, week 12. This week’s five things which have made me happy or for which I’m grateful.

  1. Purple Sprouting Broccoli. Unlike most people I do actually like almost all the brassicas. I’m not so fond of kale, which is generally a bit tough and bitter, and I can take or leave broccoli. But one that I always enjoy is purple sprouting broccoli which is now in season.

  2. Garlic Potatoes. Roast small (ping-pong ball size) potatoes in a foil parcel with lots of chopped garlic, salt & pepper and a drizzle of good olive oil. You should be the potatoes crisping up and some pieces of caramelised garlic.
  3. Norman Architecture. Our trip to Chichester on Tuesday reminded me how much I enjoy Norman architecture compared with the later styles — although fan vaulting is always a wonder!

    Norman Triforium Arch, Chichester Cathedral
    Norman Arch in Chichester cathedral. Click image for larger view.

  4. Alpine Days. I quite like winter when it is cold, frosty (or snowy), bright sun and blue sky. It is all the cold, damp, grey and miserable I find depressing. I always feel better for sunshine.
  5. Curry. I hardly need say more!

Did You Know ….

There is a brothel in Prague where the “services” are free, but live video streams of the “activity” in the brothel are shown on their website (for a fee).
[Wikipedia]

Male chimps, bears, dogs — indeed almost all mammals except humans — have a bone in their penis, called the baculum (photo is a raccoon baculum). No-one knows why it was evolved out of humans.

In the US, of those men who take paternity tests some 30% find out they are not the father of the child concerned – although of course these are cases where there is doubt to start with.
[Sheril Kirshenbaum, The Science of Kissing]

London for Beginners

Following her recent trip to London our blogging friend Katy has written a series of three posts of hints and tips for those visiting London for the first time. They are excellent advice even if you’ve been to London before. I recommend that you go and read them.

And when you’ve read them, come back here for a few things I, as a Londoner born and bred, can add.

London Transport
London for Beginners – The Basics
London for Beginners – Tourist Attractions

OK. In general I will echo everything that Katy says in these three posts. But here are a few additional thoughts which I’ve arranged roughly by each of Katy’s posts.

London Transport
Although Katy isn’t a Londoner, she’s been visiting London for many years and has lived here, so in many ways she knows more about travelling around London than I do.

Driving in London
My first piece of advice here would be what Katy doesn’t say in as many words: DON’T. If you thought the one-way systems, restrictions, traffic etc. were bad in your city they’re worse in London.

If you must drive in central London then something to watch is fuel. Fill up before you get into the centre. There are very few petrol stations in the central area. OK I’m not a driver but I can think of only two fuel stops in the West End area: one on Park Lane and one on the Marylebone Road. Doubtless there are others, but they’re pretty well hidden.

Take Katy’s words about parking restrictions to heart. Yes you can find convenient on-street parking but it is rare; near Oxford Street you can try Manchester Square which sometimes has available parking especially at weekends. (And while you’re in Manchester Square visit The Wallace Collection.)

Do not dice with the parking/traffic restrictions. Not only are there lots of Traffic Wardens, but there are lots of cameras, including on mobile vans and buses. If you get caught (and you will be) flouting parking restrictions, stopping in yellow boxes, jumping lights or using bus lanes you will find you’re stuffed with a Ā£100+ ticket. Don’t risk it.

Trains
If you are eligible, get a Senior Railcard. They are £28 a year (£65 for three years) and give you around 30% off many train fares; you could save the cost on your first train trip to London.

London Underground (The Tube)
As Katy says: get an Oyster Card, if possible before you arrive. This will allow you to swipe through gates and will save you money as Oyster fares are significantly cheaper than paying cash for single tickets. Once you have the card you can also top it up online as well as at stations.

If you have a Senior Railcard, take it with your Oyster Card to any Underground Ticket Office and ask them to attach the Railcard to the Oyster card. This will save you around another 30% on all your tube fares. Many people do not know about this facility!

Buses
If you have a “granny free bus pass” issued by your local authority then it may also give you free travel on London buses.

If you live in one of the London boroughs and are over the female pensionable age (its moving nationally from 60 up to 65 at present, so you’ll have to check) or have one of a range of disabilities you are entitled to Freedom Pass. This is the London-wide version of the “granny free bus pass”. But it does a lot more. You don’t just get free bus travel at any time, you also get free tube travel and mostly free rail travel (there are a few restrictions) in the London area; also free trams and free DLR. (But note freedom Pass doesn’t cover Inter-city journeys from the mainline termini.)

There are over 600 bus routes in Greater London. Where they start, finish and the routes they take are often far from obvious. You need to do some research before you arrive if you’re planning to use the buses.

You can find out about almost all London travel, including Oyster cards, on the Transport for London website.

Taxis
This is something Katy didn’t cover. Everyone knows about the London Black Cab, which is ubiquitous in the central area. Use them. Yes they are more expensive than the tube if you’re on your own. For two, or especially more, they could work out cheaper than the tube. All Black Cabs are metered and you pay by a combination of distance and time, so the meter keeps ticking even if you’re sitting in traffic. Cabbies know this and while a few will use it to their advantage, in my experience most won’t. They know where the bottlenecks and roadworks are. And they are masters at knowing every back double and cut-through going so they generally will do their best to get you to your destination quickly — after all the sooner they drop you, the sooner they get another fare and most would prefer to keep moving.

If a Taxi has it’s yellow light on it is plying for hire and you can wave it down, or you can pick up a cab at a Taxi Rank. A cabbie is required by law to take you to any destination within 6 miles (25 miles from Heathrow Airport, I think) regardless. If it is over 6 miles he may refuse if he has a “reasonable excuse”. You will find a few ladies driving cabs and the vast majority of cabbies are London born and bred.

All taxis in London are registered with, and regulated by, the Public Carriage Office and the incidence of problems is rare. The London Black Cab driver is in general very knowledgeable not just about what’s where and how to get there but they often have interesting historical/trivial facts about places. I’m a great admirer of the London Cabbie; I don’t know how they manage to learn all this stuff — and they do have to learn it thoroughly (it’s call The Knowledge) to get their licence. They really are a breed apart, in the nicest possible way.

Outside the central area Black Cabs are rarer and you’ll likely have to know where the nearest cab rank is, which may be only the nearest decent-sized station.

But outside the central area there are also minicabs. These are the private hire cars; they are not allowed to ply for hire and by law all journeys must be pre-booked — which means you have to call their office and ask for a pick up. They’ll want to know where you’re going and will generally quote you a price. Be sensible with minicabs: when your car arrives ensure the driver really is for you: ask him to tell you the name of the person he’s picking up and if in doubt don’t get in. If necessary call his office and ask for the details of the car (make, model, registration number) picking you up, and check they match. Many firms are now converting to a computerised system and if you have a mobile will text you the details of the car they’re sending to you.

Minicabs are also licensed by the PCO and generally use saloon cars which can be identified by round yellow licence tickets on the top near-side corner of the windscreen and rear window. Minicabs are not metered but charged by the mile (as registered by the car’s trip meter) so it helps to have an idea where you’re going before you start.

Apart from the need to book a minicab the downside is that the vast majority are driven by immigrants who don’t have to have a good knowledge of their area (although many do); most do satnav. On the upside, they are generally around 30-50% cheaper than Black Cabs.

Bicycles.
Frankly, DO
N’T
unless you have a death-wish. Yes, you can hire bikes from the organised stands (the so-called Boris Bikes, after the current Mayor, Boris Johnson, who introduced them). But frankly the London traffic is so horrendous that I think cycling in London is no longer safe, especially if you’re not familiar with the roads. The same goes for rickshaws. And I say all that as a long-time cyclist.

London for Beginners – The Basics
Buy a good London Street Map before you arrive! A-Z and AA maps are both good. Make sure it covers the area you will be trampling over. Maps are good if you want a view of a wide area. Map books, where you get a small area on each page may be larger scale and more detailed, but you won’t get the wide view and they aren’t as comfortable/easy to carry.

Also get a tube map, you can download one from the Transport for London website.

As Katy mentions, things in London are expensive so be prepared to pay. London is one of the most expensive cities in the world; nothing is cheap unless it’s free! Even Westminster Abbey and St Paul’s Cathedral now charge for entrance. Expect any exhibition to charge at least Ā£10 per head and Ā£15 or more is not unusual.

Remember too that London is one of the biggest cities in the world. The central area is 5 miles from east to west. And it is almost 10 miles, in a straight line from the Tower of London to Kew Gardens. Do not underestimate the distances you may have to cover or the time it will take.

Keep tight hold of your valuables and luggage. Like all cities there are some very clever pickpockets around. And if you are unlucky enough to be the victim of crime, do report it to the Police. It’s a pain but the Police should give you a record number which will help you with any insurance claim. And they might even be able to take the perpetrators off the streets.

Food.
Yes you will want to eat out, sometimes at least. See if you can get recommendations for good places to eat. Most pubs will allow children in if you are eating, but under 18s are not allowed to buy or drink alcohol. Most pubs these days do reasonable, if basic, food at reasonable (for London) prices; some are absolutely excellent.

If you want a sandwich lunch then Marks & Spencer (M&S) probably do the best take out pre-prepared sandwiches. And with a bit of looking you can often find a garden or park where you can sit and eat your sandwiches — although if you do this be prepared for an audience of hopeful sparrows and pigeons.

Money.
Yes, you’ll need loads of this. Personally I don’t like cash machines as they are too open to criminal minds, but you may not have a choice. If you’re happy with cash machines then there are lots around; you’ll seldom be more than a few minutes walk from one!

If you need to change foreign currency you will often get the best deals by going to a Post Office. Their rates, certainly for Euros and US Dollars) tend to be reasonably good and they do not rob you of a commission!

I would say don’t give money to anyone begging on the streets. Yes, London does have a problem with the homeless living on the streets. While some of those begging are genuine, many are known not to be. In my view it is better not to encourage any of them.

London for Beginners – Tourist Attractions
Katy provides a pretty good list of the things to go and see. I would add:

  • Westminster Abbey
  • National Gallery
  • National Portrait Gallery
  • Tate Britain
  • The Wallace Collection
  • Borough Market (especially on a Saturday)
  • Hampton Court
  • London Eye (it isn’t cheap for a 30 minute ride but the views are worth it)

But I would also add a list of things that really are not worth bothering with:

  • Madame Tussauds Waxworks (boring and unreasonably expensive)
  • London Planetarium (part of Mme Tussauds and thus also a gigantic rip-off)
  • London Zoo (interesting if you like zoos, but in their small space not outstanding and another which is very expensive)
  • Personally I won’t go in churches & cathedrals that charge on principle. I’d give St Paul’s Cathedral a miss anyway because I think it’s hideous, but not many agree with me.
  • London Aquarium (which I thought was pedestrian compared with many other large such)
  • Oxford Street (yes, it’s the iconic shopping street but frankly it is mostly just the usual chain-multiples, with just a couple of good department stores: Selfridge’s and John Lewis)

Katy mentions the round London bus tours. Yes they aren’t cheap, but the tickets are valid for a whole day (so start early to get best value) and you can hop on and off most of them repeatedly. They are a good way of seeing lots of the sights and deciding what you want to come back to — or if you have only one day of getting a glimpse of a lot. They are also very good at helping join together all the different bits of the city.

Finally as Katy also says, don’t buy tickets from ticket touts. The tickets may well not be valid (they are often trackable and non-transferable) and touts are often operating illegally. If you really want tickets for a particular show you may have to depend on one of the ticket agencies, or queue on the door on the night for returns. Almost all London shows get sold out.

Don’t let any of this deter you from coming to London. Most of what is less than positive really is only good common sense which should apply anywhere. Use what Katy and I have written and enjoy your visit. You won’t regret it; almost everyone ends up loving London!

Good Badness

Both Katy (Katyboo) and Emma (Belgian Waffle) have invited us all to document what we are good and bad at. So who am I not to comply with such royal command.

So here goes …

BAD GOOD
Drawing and painting
DIY — actually anything dexterous
Spontaneity
Anything athletic
Reading quickly
Complaining about service
Being active & getting out
Respecting management
Suffering fools & the pretentious
Saving money
Vanity
Phoning people
Foreign languages
Latin
Patience
Erections
Logic Puzzles
Exercise
Self-publicity
Nagging
Navigation & map reading
Organising
Project management
Maths and science
Logic
Analysing situations, quickly
Being idle
Eating and drinking
Thinking
Bending the rules
Telling it like it is
Sleeping in late
Research
Arguing & disputing
Computery things
Making decisions
Finance
Being stressed
Being overawed by the great & good

So how about you all tell me what you’re good at — either in the comments or on your blog and leave a link in the comments?

Now I’m off to the supermarket.