Railspeak

About a week ago David Marsh wrote a brilliant article in the Guardian about the peculiar torture of Railspeak, that surpassingly odd distortion of English perpetrated by train companies:

Railspeak is a language with a unique syntax and vocabulary — characterised by, for example, the mandatory use of auxiliary verbs (“we do apologise”), the random deployment of redundant adjectives (“station stop”, “personal belongings”) and the selection of inappropriate prepositions (“journey time into London Paddington is approximately 25 minutes”).

Trains never leave, but “depart”, never reach their destination, but “terminate”, and are frequently delayed by mysterious “incidents”. Rail catering, meanwhile, has been transformed from a music hall joke (British Rail sandwiches) to a surreal world of its own, offering among other treats “teas, coffees, hot chocolates [sic] …” (Has anyone tested this by asking how many varieties of hot chocolate are, in fact, available? To enjoy, perhaps, while reading the safety information leaflet in braille?)

Meanwhile, someone should tell the announcer at Waterloo station that the ever-lengthening list of things we can’t do — smoke, run, cycle, skateboard, find a rubbish bin, find a seat — does not, so far, extend to playing boules or yodelling. Is this an oversight?

Customers requiring enhumoration into their Monday will find the article in the vestibule at the end of the post. Here.

More Auction Oddities

More mysterious lots, often containing odd assortments of objects, from our local auction house.

A wooden Hemley’s mah-jong set with bone pieces, and another modern mah-jong set.

A pair of reproduction plated napkin rings with cherub supports and a quantity of plated cutlery.

A good pair of late Victorian plated candlesticks in Adam style, with square tapering stems, with nozzles.

My heart sinks as soon as I read the first few words of the next lot …

An extensive interesting lot on four shelves including brass and copper ware, horse brasses, door furniture, kettles, taps, ornaments, trays, candlesticks, lamps, etc., buttons, clocks, weights, pewter ware, decanters, ceramic hot water bottles, mineral samples, playing cards, painted eggs, plate racks, reference books, etc.

An attractive French mandolin with paper label of JTL Jerome Thibouville-Lamy, Paris, inlaid with flowering stems in mother of pearl in leather case with sheet music.

Yes, but does it slice cucumber?

A German bisque piano baby, seated naked, another with small dog, and a large Sylvac comic dog with toothache.

A taxidermy specimen of a Barn owl in glazed case, early 20th century.

A taxidermy specimen of a curlew in a glass case, early 20th century.

I note they’ve stopped referring to “a stuffed booby”. “A taxidermy specimen” has a much less interesting ring to it.

A wonderful Saint Laurent Rive Gauche python skin lady’s suit with suede trim, bomber style jacket, straight skirt.

An old white painted water tank, a terracotta chimney pot, an old cut stone mill wheel, a pair of classical patinated urns, and three other troughs and three pigeons.

I hope they’ve been feeding the pigeons!

A large quantity of garden gnomes, squirrel, hedgehog, tortoise, etc.

A good collection of patinated garden ornaments including semi-clad ladies, figure of Pan, reclining dog, lions, pineapples, and a trough.

A large patinated terracotta pot containing a good example of a twisted Ficus plant, currently in healthy condition.

A WWII tin hat, gas mask, four old earthenware bed warmers and a soda syphon.

A 19th century elm and yew Windsor armchair with pierced and stick back and crinoline stretcher and a milking stool.

Presumably the milking stool folds away under the armchair when not in use, but carrying an armchair into the fields for milking must have been a real chore.

More Silliness

On Sunday morning I shall be travelling through central London by car, so I looked to see what major roadworks/closures there are lined up only to find that at the Blackfriars Bridge/Queen Victoria Street interchange

TfL contractors will be working at the junction to put poles into barrels.

Presumably this is so the foreigners can be pickled and repatriated.