Learning a new lingo seems like a good way to start the new year, so here’s a guide to London (cockney) speak (it also applies to those who come from Southend):

alma chizzit. A request to find the cost of an item.
amant. Quantity; sum total. (“Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend”).
assband. Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc.
awss. A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost. (“That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t’day”).
branna. More brown than on a previous occasion. (“Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?”).
cort a panda. A rather large hamburger.
dan in the maff. Unhappy. (“Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff”).
eye-eels. Women’s shoes.
Furrock. The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre.
garrij. A building where a car is kept or repaired. (Trace: “Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working propah”).
Ibeefa. Balaeric holiday island.
lafarjik. Lacking in energy (“I feel all lafarjik”).
oi oi! Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs.
paipa. The Sun, The Mirror or The Sunday Sport.
reband. The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover. (“I couldn’t elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig”).
Saffend. Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from Eastenders go on holiday.
tan. The city of London, the big smoke.
webbats. Querying the location, something or someone is. (“Webbats is me dole card Trace? I’gotta sign on).

To add further verisimilitude include the following in your dialogue:
fahkin. An all purpose, meaningless expletive and adjective.
innit. Added randomly to any phrase approximating to a statement.
wewl. A throat clearance at the start of a sentence.

As in: “Wewl so Trace goes darn yur Furrock Satdi and buys some new eye-eels, innit. Fahkin gewl’s costin me a fawchune.”