Category Archives: personal

On Depression – VI

Another in my very occasional series of articles on depression – my depression. They are written from a very personal perspective; they are my views of how I see things working and what it feels like on the inside. Your views and experiences may be vastly different. My views and experiences are not necessarily backed by scientific evidence or current medical opinion. These articles are not medical advice or treatment pathways. If you think you have a problem then you should talk to your primary care physician.

Noise and Depression

Helicopters, leaf blowers, sirens, car alarms, washing machines, motorways, food processors, construction sites, microwaves, air conditioners, lawn mowers, hair dryers, motorcycles, motorboats, cell phones, TVs, stereos, car doors, people constantly talking loudly, aeroplanes, screaming children …

We have non-stop noise these days in our lives.  How can we possibly have mental clarity and peace?  Our minds are constantly being jolted and thrown violently back and forth by this sudden noise and then the next. [1]

We live in a noisy world – we shouldn’t. No wonder we get so fraught, anxious and depressed.

It is well established that noise is a major disrupter of health – both physical and mental – and seems to be a factor in depression [1,2,3,4,5,6].

Is depression the inevitable aftermath of unabating stress on our bodies, minds and souls living in this noisy, fast-paced modern society? If depression can be caused by a depletion of chemicals that our body naturally produces when in harmony, how can we expect to have this harmony in such an environment that violently assaults our natural relaxed state with noise at two-second intervals? [1]

Noise is certainly a factor in my depression, which is often triggered by pure overload. I don’t want to be assailed by noise – any noise, but especially secondhand noise – just as I don’t want to have too much to do heaped on me.

I need quiet. Much to Noreen’s bemusement, I seldom play music these days; or have the TV or radio on. I used to have something playing all the time but I now cannot function with continual background distraction. Continual (especially man-made) noise – even just the hum of my PC – drives me up the wall.

We live in a noisy world – far too noisy. To demonstrate just how noisy our world is, try doing my 10-minute test.

  1. You will need: pencil and paper, a watch.
  2. Go and sit outside, somewhere where you aren’t going to be disturbed for 10 minutes: your garden, your balcony or the square you live in.
  3. Sit quietly and listen – really listen, 100%.
  4. Write down every single noise you hear as you hear it. (If you hear it more than once, write it down each time.) What do you hear?
  5. At the end of 10 minutes have a look at your list. How many noises have you written down? How many are natural sounds (birds, animals, the wind, the stream); how many are man-made (cars, planes, appliances)?
  6. Ideally you should be able to hear only natural sounds – the more man-made sounds you hear, the more your environment will be stressing you.

Now compare with what Piers Plowman would have heard 500 or more years ago while eating his lunchtime bread and cheese under a tree: birds, sheep, a distant dog barking, wind rustling the trees, his horses’ whinnying, a babbling brook, maybe the swoosh of the windmill. How often do any of us hear these natural sounds?

Unless you live in the depths of the countryside I wouldn’t mind betting well over 50% of your noises are man-made and/or drown out the natural. That, at least, is my experience. OK, it isn’t scientific, but it is likely to demonstrate just how noisy our environment is. Is it any wonder we feel hammered?

What can you do about it? Here are twelve things which may help you:

  1. Avoid places with high noise levels; if necessary walk away to somewhere quieter.
  2. Avoid open-plan offices; research shows they are a major disrupter of work and mental processes [2].
  3. Don’t have the TV, radio or hi-fi on unless there is something specific you want to listen to/watch (and then give it your undivided attention).
  4. Don’t play music, especially through headphones, as background; this doesn’t make it better [2].
  5. Complain in bars, restaurants and shops which play “musak”; if they don’t like it, go somewhere else; remember you have a choice.
  6. Keep your mobile phone on vibrate and your PC speakers on mute.
  7. Try to avoid having the phone ring; try using text messages instead [5].
  8. Avoid noisy household appliances like hair dryers, food processors, lawn mowers and leaf blowers.
  9. Try to find quiet household appliances.
  10. If you have hearing aids and want more quiet, take your hearing aids out; it isn’t rude if it is looking after your mental well-being.
  11. Spend time away from the city; go somewhere you can listen to the birds or the sea.
  12. Plan for some quiet time every day.

References

[1] Noise Pollution, Depression, … and Nature As Our Guide
[2] Seven Ways Noise Affects Your Health
[3] Decibel Hell: The Effects of Living in a Noisy World
[4] What Did You Say?! How Noise Pollution Is Harming You
[5] Depression: On Noise, Answering the Telephone and Making Decisions
[6] The ubiquity of the modern beep

Waltham Abbey – 2

So this was the exciting part of our day out on Monday of this week …

For Christmas I bought Noreen and half-day falconry experience with Coda Falconry, who are a couple of miles north of Waltham Abbey. I also made sure we had a couple of guest passes to go with it, especially as I wanted the chance to do some photography (which was not just allowed but actually encouraged).

Noreen has always been interested in falconry, mainly because of its use in medieval times. So this was a superb chance to have four hours hands-on experience. And did we have a great time!

We were a small group: 4 taking part and 3 guest observers. Paul, the falconer, was patient, interesting and knowledgeable about a whole range of natural history and not just falcons.

Starting at midday, and after some brief introduction, Paul brought out a variety of birds, one at a time. And as the day wore on the birds got bigger and bigger!

The first three birds were in turn a tiny Scops Owl (from SE Asia), a European Kestrel, and a Barn Owl. Otis, the Scops Owl was really sweet; he was no more than six inches tall; and he loved being stroked, siting happily on a gloved hand, eyes shut, head tucked in, apparently dozing off!

Otis, Scops Owl
Otis, Scops Owl

Bramble, the male Kestrel, was really beautiful with grey head and chestnut back …

Bramble, Kestrel
Bramble, Kestrel

Next up was Dizzy, a female Barn Owl …

Dizzy, Barn Owl
Dizzy, Barn Owl

Paul let us all (participants and observers) feel the Barn Owl’s plumage as it is just so soft – unbelievably softer than anything previously encountered, and softer even than eider down – the feathers were almost ethereal! No wonder Barn Owls are so silent in flight.

All these birds were flown. They would all sit on a post, waiting for a gloved hand, with a piece of food, to be proffered. Then they’d fly over and enjoy the morsel. All the participants experienced this with every bird.

By this time it was pushing 1.30 and, after a short break, time for an hour-long woodland walk to show off Griffin, a 15-year-old Harris Hawk. I opted out of this part as I wasn’t sure how my knees and back would stand up; and besides it was very hot and sunny and a cool drink and some shade was needed. Just as well I did opt out as the walk lasted more like an hour and a half!


Griffin, Harris Hawk. © Coda Falconry

I used the gap to have a quick look at the “zoo” on the rest of the farm site (it is very family and school group orientated), see a few of the other birds of prey and have that cool bottle of pop.

When everyone returned about 3pm, Paul showed the final two birds of the day: a Eurasian Eagle Owl and a Golden Eagle.

Logan, the Eagle Owl, is a mean-looking, brute of a bird, although according to Paul he’s actually a softie! But he is certainly fearsome in flight.

Logan, Eurasian Eagle Owl
Logan, the fearsome Eagle Owl

Apparently there are now thought to be two pairs of Eagle Owls living in Thetford Forest, and there is a lone female on the loose in Epping Forest (not very far away from Coda’s site). Apparently the females (which as with all birds of prey are larger than the males) are quite capable of taking a fox. (One of Coda’s Harris Hawks has also been known to take a Greylag Goose – no mean feat!)

Last up was the largest bird of the day, Nelson, the Golden Eagle, who weighs in at around 6lbs (almost 3kg). We were all of us allowed to have Nelson sit on our hand: as Paul said “It’s not every day you get to hold a Golden Eagle!”.

Ere mate, that ones a bit tasty, innit!
Nelson: Ere mate, that one’s a bit tasty, innit!

The photo above is of Nelson sitting on my (thankfully gloved) hand. He was certainly a magnificent beast: around 75-80cm from beak to tail and with the wonderful bronze/gold head and nape which gives them their name. You wouldn’t want to meet either the Golden Eagle or the Eagle Owl on a dark night!

By this time it was pushing 4pm and the afternoon wrapped up with with the group seeing a number of Coda’s other falcons.

We went off very tired, rather stunned and slightly sunburnt for a much needed couple of pints!

Coda Falconry are a small, award-winning, friendly outfit, with a wide range of birds of prey most of which have been hand-reared and/or are rescues; their team even includes Loki the Raven, who is apparently incredibly mischievous and cunning. Coda do several different experience sessions as well as frequent filming, regular re-enactment displays (many at Headingham Castle), routine pest control work, and more.

What a brilliant day, and thoroughly recommended!

PS. More photos on my Flickr photostream at https://www.flickr.com/photos/kcm76/albums/72157692159960390.

Waltham Abbey – 1

Monday of this week saw us on a special away-day to Waltham Abbey, but I’ll keep you in suspense about the specialness until part 2.

I was brought up in Waltham Cross, just a couple of miles as the crow flies across the Lea Valley and marshes from Waltham Abbey, and although we didn’t go there frequently, I remember the town from my childhood.

I’ve not been to Waltham Abbey since Valentine’s Day 1979 (a day with an inch of ice on every road!) when Noreen and I went out to an expensive restaurant there. And it’s even longer since I was there in daylight.

We didn’t have to be at our appointed place until midday, but having contracted a friend to drive us, we decided to leave early, at 8am, as we knew we had to negotiate the London suburbs to the M25 and then one of the most notorious sections of the motorway. After a slow start we were amazed to be parked up outside Waltham Abbey Church before 9.30. So we had time to spare.

The first requisite was breakfast, and The Gatehouse Café opposite the west door of the Abbey church was calling. Full English Breakfast all round as we didn’t know whether we would get lunch. I’d spotted the café had good ratings on TripAdvisor, and we weren’t disappointed.

Breakfast over, we still had plenty of time to investigate the Abbey church – which I had not been in since singing in a choir there 50 years ago! And let me tell you this is a church well worth a visit.

Waltham Abbey was re-founded by King Harold 1060, there having been a place of worship there since the 7th century. It is said that Harold’s battle cry at Hastings in 1066 was “For the Holy Cross of Waltham” – the Holy Cross being an early 11th century “relic” owned by the Abbey. And it is also reputed that Harold was buried in the Abbey church – there is today a memorial stone (the Harold Stone) some way outside the east end of the church, where the original high alter would have been – the church was originally at least twice the size of what you see today (indeed what you see today is only the nave of the original 12th century church).

The Abbey church itself is of Norman architecture, with decorated round arches in the nave, clerestory and triforium, and substantial round pillars some of which are decorated with spiral or zigzag cut stonework.

Waltham Abbey Tower

The abbey was re-founded (again!) as an Augustinian priory in 1177 by Henry II as part of his penance for the murder of Thomas Becket.

In 1290 the Abbey at Waltham was one of the resting places of Queen Eleanor’s body on its journey from Lincolnshire to burial at Westminster. On the orders of Edward I a cross was erected at each overnight stop, and the one at Waltham was placed at what is now Waltham Cross, being both the nearest solid ground to the Abbey and on the then road north out of London. Waltham Cross is one of only three of the original 12 crosses which survive; the others are at Geddington and Hardingstone. (The cross outside Charing Cross Station is a Victorian replica, and several hundred yards from the original site – but that’s a different story.)

Waltham was the last abbey in England to be dissolved by Henry VIII in 1540 – a mark of its importance – with the last Abbot and the cannons receiving handsome annuities or other payments. This included Thomas Tallis who had been a senior “singing-man” since 1538 and who went on to a post in the choir at Canterbury Cathedral. The Holy Cross also seems to have disappeared at this time. Since the Dissolution the Abbey church has been the local parish church, with the addition of a 16th century tower but demolition of the remaining Abbey buildings.

Waltham Abbey Denny Tomb
The Denny Tomb

The church still contains a couple of Tudor monuments; there is a section of painted wall and a Tudor window in the Lady Chapel; as well as some hideous Victorian additions. The 16th century tower is faced with some rather pretty flint-work and the church stands in a substantial, well-kept and treed churchyard. Much of the Abbey grounds are still preserved, although the only remains are a gateway and the remnants of a bridge.

All in all it is well worth a visit.

From here we went on to our to our midday appointment, which I’ll tell you about tomorrow in part 2.

Who’s Day

Today (2 June) is International Whores’ Day, aka. International Sex Workers’ Day.

As regular readers will know, and you don’t have to look too far back in the archives to find out, I am a firm believer that sex work should be decriminalised. I’ve never used the services of a sex worker, and I have no plans to do so, but I fail to see why people should not be able to pay for sex, or to sell sex, if that is their choice.

Prostitutes (of all types) perform a valuable social service. In part they may be considered part of the leisure industry, providing what might be called “alternative entertainment”. But they also provide service for many who would not otherwise have sex, or have the sex they want, and that can be a significant factor in preserving mental health.

Fortunately there does seem to be a growing body of academically rigorous evidence that decriminalisation is the best way to protect the human rights of sex workers, and ensure they can follow their chosen profession in safety, with unobstructed access to legal recourse where there is violence or abuse. New Zealand has shown the way on this, as have the World Health Organization and Amnesty International.

I don’t want to have to write at length about all the reasoning, so here are just a few relatively recent reports of some of this research.

Decriminalising sex work is the only way to protect women – and New Zealand has proved that it works; Independent; 29 May 2017

Decriminalising prostitution could ‘dramatically’ reduce sexual violence and STI transmission; Independent; 20 December 2017

Decriminalising Sex Work Is Better for Everyone; Big Think; 12 December 2017

Amnesty International policy on state obligations to respect, protect and fulfil the human rights of sex workers; Amnesty International; 26 May 2016

Q&A: policy to protect the human rights of sex workers; Amnesty International; 26 May 2016

Decriminalising sex work in New Zealand: its history and impact; Open Democracy; 21 August 2015

I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn’t selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that’s perfectly legal to give away?
– George Carlin

Why is the decision by a woman to sleep with a man she has just met in a bar a private one, and the decision to sleep with the same man for $100 subject to criminal penalties?
– Anna Quindlen

Yes, I’m Fat

In an article on BBC News website over the weekend one woman talks about how she feels about being fat. I found it interesting because so much of what she says chimes with how I feel. Here are some of the things she says and which I share (plus a few tropes of my own).

Feeling good about your body isn’t always easy when you are overweight.
. . .
Quite literally, I am the elephant in the room.
. . .
I am fat, there’s no getting away from it.
. . .
I don’t think there’s a single part of me … that is small.
. . .
Society has its own sort of perception of people like me – we are disgusting, fat, slothful, lazy, incompetent, stupid.
. . .
[H]ow could you be that fat? The answer is simple – a lack of control, a lack of confidence …

Yes, I have a lack of self-control; it isn’t good enough now but it was much worse years ago when I first put on weight. It is partly down to the lack of confidence but it’s also, in part, the anxiety and depression.

It’s kind of sad that I’m comforted by food rather than other elements in the world.
. . .
The eating combined with my osteoarthritis and other disabilities doesn’t help – the additional weight on the joints isn’t a positive impact.
. . .
I did swim, but don’t any more.
. . .
“Just lose weight.” I hear that all the time from family, friends, colleagues, doctors …
It’s not rocket science – I know that … but that means effort, doesn’t it? It means having to motivate myself and persevere … I can’t …

I can’t because mostly the depression acts as a complete roadblock. I wish it didn’t, but despite trying just about everything available I’ve not yet found a way through the roadblock.

What is also for many oversized people, me included, is that the brain doesn’t internally know one’s real size. The brain still thinks of you being your normal size and doesn’t adjust for your new size. So you don’t (instinctively) realise how much space you take up. You have this internal picture of yourself the way you were (or should be).

People are constantly judging me … I am a reflection of something that they could become. They tell themselves that they’ve got control, they’re sensible, intelligent and no way would they ever get to my size. But let me tell you, I was you once and you could be me.
. . .
The only person I can hold responsible for my position is me. However, I refuse to accept the size I am. This is not who I was meant to be.
If I accept it then I’m telling myself that I’ve given up and I don’t want to give up.
I don’t want to be normal because normal is boring. I just want to be the best of myself.

I wish it wasn’t thus. I don’t like being the size I am. I understand the risks. I know all the things I should do to combat it, and if I could do it I would have done long ago. But having looked at, and thought about, the problem in depth, the first thing that has to happen is to fix the depression and other mental issues. That is a huge challenge, and I’ve not yet found the key to unlocking it – I wish I had!

Ten Things

This month something slightly more topical in Ten Things …

Ten Things I did Over Bank Holiday Weekend:

  1. Hosted a literary society pub meet
  2. Prepared a meeting for next week
  3. Ate fish & chips
  4. Drank too much alcohol (not all at once!) and enjoyed it
  5. Did more work tidying up my rebuilt website & blog
  6. Completed two prize crosswords
  7. Won £2.50 on the lottery
  8. Read the latest New Scientist and a railway magazine
  9. Started on reorganising and rejuvenating the plants on our tiny patio
  10. Tried (and failed) to get a 10 year old laptop working satisfactorily

Bank Holiday 20 Questions Meme

Just for a bit of time-wasting amusement here’s a twenty question meme for the end of a bank holiday weekend.

  1. Name a food that you can’t stand but which most people seem to love. Butternut squash.
  2. Name a food beginning with each of your initials. Kale. Custard. Marmite.
  3. Who is the most famous person you’ve met? Author Ian Rankin.
  4. What was the last thing you read? This screen.
  5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Get rid of the depression because pretty much everything else would follow from that.
  6. What vegetable do you most hate? Sweet potato.
  7. What superpower would you most like to have? Omnipotence – with that you can do anything else.
  8. What would you love to be an expert in? Doing nothing.
  9. If you could make any discovery, what would it be? The secret of immortality. Let’s face it, none of us really wants to die.
  10. What would you like to have named after you? A dung beetle would probably be most appropriate. Or a wasp. Yes, I’ll settle for an annoying wasp.
  11. If you could meet any figure from the past or the future, who would you meet? Elizabethan composer William Byrd.
  12. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Earl Grey tea.
  13. Are you a good influence? I very much doubt it; indeed I might be worried if I were.
  14. Does pineapple belong on pizza? Definitely not; neither does peach, unless you’re making a specifically fruit pizza. (Must sometime write up my method for fruit pizza.)
  15. Something that’s worrying you at the moment. Diabetes.
  16. One skill you don’t have but wish you did. The ability to magically attract money. Well, who wouldn’t!?
  17. Tell me one unpopular, but entirely logical and far-sighted opinion you hold. The private car (van, etc.) should be banned. Yes, it would be tricky, but it could be done and it needen’t be as horrendous as you might imagine. (I must write an essay on this sometime.)
  18. Do you ever write in pencil any more? Yes, actually quite a bit of the time: old programmers always write in pencil.
  19. Do you wear rings? Yes. I’m currently wearing three: wedding ring, silver wedding anniversary ring, and a copper ring. Oh and my original (very worn) wedding ring on a chain round my neck.
  20. Tell us three things you did today? Tried (and failed) to get a very old laptop working. Started reorganising the patio. Made a chicken salad.

Nobody is tagged, but join in if you want – just leave a comment here with a link to your answers so we can all enjoy them.

Welcome!

Welcome to the new Zen Mischief site!

If you have landed here it appears that the migration from our old site has been a success. Thank you for your patience during the transition.

So what has changed?

  1. The driver for the change was to make the Zen Mischief Weblog part of this front page.
  2. That means the look and feel is slightly different, although the blog navigation is still in the right-hand column.
  3. The static pages still exist and are now linked from the left-hand column.
  4. The short site description and the current quote now appear at the top of the left-hand column.
  5. A few of the old static pages have been sunset; the rest have been revised; and there is some new content.
  6. If you trawl back through all the old blog posts then you’re likely to find some missing images; I’ll correct these as and when the opportunity arises.
  7. Oh, and you may need to update your bookmarks/favourites.

And that’s about it. Everything else should be much the same, and hopefully normal service can resume.

40 Things About Me

OK, just to waste a few minutes, here’s a meme of 40 things about me. I changed one question from the original I saw as I thought it too American.

  1. Do you like blue cheese? Yes; certainly most of them.
  2. Coke or Pepsi? Coke, but it has to be Diet.
  3. Do you own a gun? No, guns are illegal in the UK without a licence. Anyway why would I want one?
  4. What flavour of fruit juice? Mango.
  5. What do you think of hot dogs? People should be convicted for leaving dogs in cars.
  6. What’s your favourite TV show? The off switch.
  7. What is your favourite movie? I don’t do film.
  8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Tea; always tea; and lots of it.
  9. Can you do a push-up? Very doubtful, but then why would I want to?
  10. What’s your favourite jewellery? My white gold signet ring (made on our 25th wedding anniversary).
  11. What is your favourite outdoor activity? Drinking beer, sitting in a deckchair, in the sun, watching good club cricket.
  12. Do you have ADD? No.
  13. Do you wear glasses? Yes, since I was 14. I’ve never liked the idea of even trying contact lenses.
  14. What was/is your favourite cartoon? Cartoon strip? Probably The Wizard of Id.
  15. Name three things you did yesterday/today? Paid some bills. Drank a few beers. Slept.
  16. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly? Beer. Wine. Gin.
  17. Current worries? Depression. Brexit.
  18. Current hates? The UK government.
  19. Favourite place to be? Dungeness.
  20. How did you bring in the New Year? Sitting up in bed with a glass of Champagne.
  21. Where would you like to go? Iceland.
  22. Name five people who might do this? I can’t think why anyone would waste their time.
  23. Do you wear slippers? No; always bare feet indoors (socks if very cold).
  24. What is your favourite colour? It varies with mood: sometimes green, sometimes yellow, sometimes …
  25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No idea; never tried them.
  26. Can you whistle? Only very badly.
  27. Where are you? Sitting at my desk in the study.
  28. Would you be a pirate? Never; I’m too prone to motion sickness.
  29. Favourite food? Curry. Or maybe pasta with seafood.
  30. Favourite music genre? Sacred early music.
  31. Do you wear proper pyjamas? No; haven’t worn anything in bed since I was a student.
  32. What’s in your pockets? Nothing; I’m wearing the Emperor’s new clothes.
  33. Last thing that made you laugh? Would I do anything so frivolous as laugh?
  34. What’s your favourite animal? Cats.
  35. What’s your most recent injury? Pulled muscle in my back.
  36. How many TVs in your house? Two.
  37. Worst pain? Total knee replacement, if only because it isn’t something that is over with in 5 minutes.
  38. Do you like to dance? No; I hate dance.
  39. Are your parents still together? As they’re both dead I have no idea.
  40. Do you enjoy camping? In a tent? Yes, I certainly did when I was young; not sure I could do it now.

Simple Formula for Living

I happened on this somewhere on the intertubes the other day. Though undoubtedly not easy – each one of us will find different parts hard – one could do a lot worse than follow these precepts.

Simple Formula for Living

Live beneath your means.
Return everything you borrow.
Stop blaming other people.
Admit it when you make mistake.
Give clothes not worn to charity.
Do something nice and try not to get caught.
Listen more; talk less.
Every day take a 30 minute walk.
Strive for excellence, not perfection.
Be on time. Don’t make excuses.
Don’t argue. Get organized.
Be kind to unkind people.
Let someone cut ahead of you in line.
Take time to be alone.
Cultivate good manners.
Be humble.
Realise and accept that life isn’t fair.
Know when to keep your mouth shut.
Go an entire day without criticising anyone.
Learn from the past. Plan for the future.
Live in the present.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
It’s all small stuff.