Category Archives: amusements

Silly Fools Day

Yeah, I know it’s the silly season. Everyone is on holiday and the media is being run by caretaker journos who don’t know one end of a biro from the other. But really, you’d think it was All Fool’s Day!

In the last couple of days we’ve had not one but two, yes, two, patently stupid stories blown up out of all proportion.

Today there appeared this superb notice at Farringdon Station on the London Underground.


Yes, it got seriously reported this morning. Until it became apparent to even the least intelligent that it was a most excellent hoax. So how do we know it’s a hoax? Do all ladies wear trousers and socks? Does no-one wear shorts? A real H&S concern would have covered these, wouldn’t it; and probably closed the station? Whoever perpetrated it should be really pleased for they did an excellent job of conning the unwary.

I just hope that if the perpetrator was a London Underground employee his (or her) bosses see the funny side of the prank: they certainly should do.

But that was just an amusing diversion compared with my second case: a lion on the loose in Essex.

Now look, good burghers of Essex, we know you have the reputation for not being the sharpest knives around, but … A lion? In St Osyth? Really!?!?!?

I’m quite prepared to believe that there’s the odd puma, even leopard, jaguar or lynx, prowling around the English countryside. But lions and tigers — oh my, no! They are just too large, and too hungry, to hide for long.

Yeah precisely, it didn’t hide. There were newspaper photos. Yes they were all of a male lion. And what was reported? A lioness. Yes, those photos are known to be fakes, made up by the press, for the press because they had nothing else to go on.

Mind you, we can’t really blame you Essex girlies for taking it all seriously, when the local plod’s reaction is totally OTT. As usual Heresy Corner does the demolition job. The Essex Constabulary were found wanting in the intelligence stakes.

Still I suppose it’s more fun than the pranks of assorted government ministers, City bankers and press barons. Oh, hang on. Isn’t that where we came in?

So if anyone can genuinely find, with 30 days, killer mice within 5 miles of St Osyth or an unclaimed lioness on the loose at Farringdon Station, I’ll eat my hat — as long as it’s a chocolate hat, that is!

Quotes about Cats

Good quotes seem to be slow arriving at the moment. Maybe they’re like London buses and there will the three along in 5 minutes time. Meanwhile I thought we’d have a few quotes about my favourite animal: the Cat.

Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes.
Theophile Gautier

There are people who reshape the world by force or argument, but the cat just lies there, dozing, and the word quietly reshapes itself to suit his comfort and convenience.
Allen & Ivy Dodd

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
Hippolyte Taine

I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little, they become its visible soul.
Jean Cocteau

No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape
can ever totally remove his fur from your couch.

Leo Dworken

Cats’ hearing apparatus is built to allow the human voice to easily go in one ear
and out the other.

Stephen Baker

Cats are mysterious kind of folk. There is more passing in their minds than we are aware of.
Sir Walter Scott

The cat is a dilettante in fur.
Theophile Gautier

A Rich Seam

The “Feedback” column in the latest edition of New Scientist (dated 4 August) mines a rich seam of amusements.

First there is an item reporting some mathematical work in pointless topology, which is what most of us thought about higher mathematics anyway.

There is an item reporting a conference call for papers as specifying All papers and presentations must be incomprehensible English, as would be expected at a technical conference.

And there’s a product description for a solar light which is ideal for areas where conversational electrical supply is not available.

This is followed by an amusing reference to the Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.

Finally I have to give you this piece in full as a masterpiece of lateral thinking:

Talk about units in Feedback reminds Tony Emerson of a story from “the 1950s or 60s” about “a scientist working in one of the atomic establishments”. This person got fed up with directives to use different systems of units — those based on the centimetre, gram and second; those semi-officially based on the metre, kilogram and second; and the very official units of the International Standards Organization. So they reported pressures in stones per acre.

The stone is a traditional English measure of the weight of people or grain — 14 pounds or 6.35 kg — and an acre, a unit of area, is 4047 square metres. As Tony says, stones per acre would be “the original agricultural unit” of crop yield. Its application to atomic research doesn’t bear thinking about.

Inspired!

Gallery : Street Photography

The subject for Tara’s Gallery this week is Street Photography.

Yay! Because this is something I do all the time — not only are people fascinating, and weird, to watch but I also like spotting the incongruous, amusing and interesting everyday things about me. No stories this week, just a selection of pictures I’ve gathered over the last few years. You’ll find many more on my Flickr photostream.

First of all a few people photographed on London railway stations:

Click any of the images for larger views on Flickr
People Watching at Waterloo Station: Barrier
Morning Rush Hour at Waterloo Station

People Watching at Waterloo Station: Kate Morton
Waiting for her date at Waterloo

Jack Hats
GOK what these two, spotted at London Paddington, were up to!

Tara’s original announcement of the theme suggests that street photography is all about people watching. But it is a lot more than that. It is buildings, street furniture, notices and objets trouvés; it’s the things most people would walk past and not even see. For instance:

There's no Escape ...
Seen in an office window in Golden Square, London

Deckchair Love 2
I spotted these two deckchairs holding hands on Lyme Regis seafront

Humped Zebra
This was in Faversham, Kent although I have seen similar signs elsewhere

Moral: Always carry a camera and keep your eyes alert. There’s lots of fun out there!

Well Who Knew?

Today I made an Astonishing discovery. I can’t claim I’m the first as someone obviously got there before me. What is it?

Tomatoes have bones!

They must have. Because this morning I found this tin of Tomato Fillets in my local supermarket.

Tomato Fillets

I mean if tomatoes don’t have bones, how can you fillet them?

Most curious.

I shall open the tin with curiosity … and some caution just in case they’re on springs as well.

Why I am a Chemist

There was an interesting article by Ashutosh Jogalekar on Scientific American Blogs yesterday called Why I am a chemist.

Ash makes many good points, but especially that chemistry underlies all the biology and physics and engineering that we see about us. Without chemistry (the design, synthesis and understanding of materials) we would have none of that: nothing from the early smelting of iron and bronze, through the Romans’ skills with glass, right through to modern concrete and carbon fibre.

Yes, chemistry encompasses everything from the synthesis of smelly bubbling green liquids, through the power of detergents, to a deep understanding of molecular structure via spectroscopy (which is what I did) and quantum mechanics.

All of this is chemistry. And it all underpins our world, both artificial and natural. Without chemistry we wouldn’t have modern anti-cancer drugs, or modern anaesthetics; we wouldn’t understand the biochemistry underlying photosynthesis; we wouldn’t have air-bags in cars or rockets that can take us to the Moon and beyond.

That is why I trained as a chemist. I wanted to understand how these things worked. (Although I probably couldn’t have put it is so many words at the time.)

And I am still sad that I had to give it all up because the mid-1970s recession meant there were no sensible jobs for chemists. That’s what happens in a recession, we lose the skills we’ve invested in, because no-one can afford to invest for the future. I can understand why, and it is a fine line to walk, but it is short-sighted especially when the education system is so unattractive as a job option that those who are displaced are lost to the discipline and not even attracted to teach and enthuse a future generation.

Would I do things differently if I had my time over again? Probably yes, if I knew then what I know now. I would certainly have worked harder (not difficult) to stay in research. And I might have looked more favourably on teaching. I certainly would have liked to continue as a working scientist rather than “selling out” (as my father saw it) to commerce. Science is much more fun that selling things.

Could I go back to it? No, not now, after nearly 40 years out of the field — much as I might like to. But at least I have retained a broad interest in science, and not just chemistry, so with luck I can still enthuse a few others along their path.

And it is still the simple things in science that enthral me. How metals are smelted. Why snowflakes have six-fold symmetry. How compounds are light sensitive. How detergents work.

Quotes : Terry Pratchett

Just for a change I thought that for something different this time around we would have a few choice quotes (from among so many) from Terry Pratchett.

Granny grasped her broomstick purposefully. ‘Million-to-one chances,’ she said, ‘crop up nine times out of ten.’
[Equal Rites]

Few religions are definite about the size of Heaven, but on the planet Earth the Book of Revelation (ch. XXI, v.16) gives it as a cube 12,000 furlongs on a side. This is somewhat less than 500,000,000,000,000,000,000 cubic feet. Even allowing that the Heavenly Host and other essential services take up at least two thirds of this space, this leaves about one million cubic feet of space for each human occupant- assuming that every creature that could be called ‘human’ is allowed in, and the human race eventually totals a thousand times the numbers of humans alive up until now. This is such a generous amount of space that it suggests that room has also been provided for some alien races or — a happy thought — that pets are allowed.
[The Last Hero]

[…] discredited gods and unlicensed thieves, ladies of the night and pedlars in exotic goods, alchemists of the mind and strolling mummers; in short, all the grease on civilization’s axle.
[Equal Rites]

‘Look at the bird.’
It was perched on a branch by a fork in the tree, next to what looked like a birdhouse, and nibbling at a piece of roughly round wood it held in one claw.
‘Must be an old nest they’re repairing,’ said Lu-Tze. ‘Can’t have got that advanced this early in the season.’
‘Looks like some kind of old box to me,’ said Lobsang. He squinted to see better. ‘Is it an old … clock?’ he added.
‘Look at what the bird is nibbling,’ suggested Lu-Tze.
‘Well, it looks like … a crude gearwheel? But why —’
‘Well spotted. That, lad, is a clock cuckoo.’

[Thief of Time]

‘Maybe there are things worth putting up a fight for.’
‘And they are —?’ said Pestilence, looking round.
‘Salad-cream sandwiches. You just can’t beat them. That tang of permitted emulsifiers? Marvellous.’

[Thief of Time]