Category Archives: amusements

Five Questions, Series 5

To start off the New Year I decided we would have another round of Five Questions.
As before they are a mix of difficult and slightly silly questions, although of course you can treat them all as serious, or all as silly, should you wish. And there’s no knowing what I shall do when I get to answer each!


So the five questions for series 5 are:

  1. What is time?
  2. Describe your fantasy girl. (Yes girls, you can answer this too!)
  3. Do stairs go up or down?
  4. Give me the story of your life in six words.
  5. Unicorns or magic carpet as your only form of transport? Why?

As in previous series, if you take them seriously I think they’re going to be deceptively tricky. I certainly don’t know exactly how I’m going to answer them all, although I have a few ideas up my sleeve.
But answer them I will; one at a time over the coming weeks; the first probably in about a week from now — so you (and I!) have some think time.
And as I’ve said before, if anyone has any more good questions, then please send them to me. I’d like to continue to do this two or three times a year so good, but potentially fun, questions are needed.
Watch this space!

2013 In Review à la mode d'ici

We present our round-up of some of the curiosities which have come our way during the last year.
eBay Auction Item of the Year
Medieval Victorian Piano at Ingatestone Hall Essex Postcard
Excellent Name of the Year is awarded jointly to:
Roger Kneebone, Professor of Surgical Education, Imperial College, London
Daniel Shittu, Millwall footballer
Meaningless Neologism of the Year
Innovation ideation process. Thanks to Sue for that one.
Book Titles of the Year
Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop by Reginald Bakeley (Bookseller / Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title, 2013)
How Tea Cosies Changed the World by Loani Prior
Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers (1994) (Bookseller / Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title, 1996)
Practical Skunk Raising by William Edwin Pratt (1915)
You can find them all on Amazon UK.
Academic Paper of the Year is awarded jointly to:
“An In-Depth Analysis of a Piece of Shit: Distribution of Schistosoma mansoni and Hookworm Eggs in Human Stool”; Stefanie J Krauth et al.; PLOS Neglected Tropical Diseases; December 2012
“Toilet Hygiene in the Classical Era”; Phillippe Charlier et al.; BMJ; December 2012
TV Programme of the Year
Nothing has yet beaten last year’s winner: Pointless Celebrities (BBC1)
Online Video of the Year
The reaction to my vaginal knitting shows society is still telling a woman what to do with her body; Independent; 17 December 2013
Headlines of the Year
Hotel offers goldfish for lonely guests; Daily Telegraph, 11 April 2013
n exciting new chapter in the life of suave Tony Blair (sic); Daily Telegraph; 10 February 2013
Penis enlargement ad banned after ‘inadequacy’ complaint; Daily Telegraph; 19 February 2013
David Cameron leaves us with a ‘Tantric’ time bomb; Daily Telegraph; 26 January 2013
Is it a Mop Handle or a Penis?; Court News UK

Stained Glass Stuffed Mugs

Another in our occasional series of curious and/or amusing items from the catalogues of our local saleroom. As usual it is the strange things, and the strange combinations of things, which people sell that I find so compelling.
A carton containing various Ward Locke & Co. county guides, a quantity of memorial cards, old Valentine cards, early town pamphlets, cartes de visite, and a small quantity of matchbox covers, a Victorian scarp album, full, and a carton of interesting advertising items, incl. old cigarette boxes, a quantity of Green Line coach routes, etc.
Three Victorian brass oil lamps, one Corinthian column with etched glass bowl, another cranberry glass.
Two metal figured lamps of cherubs riding goats, on marble bases, a pair of brass and marble lamps, a Roamer brass and glass bull’s-eye clock and compass, pair of large clown figures playing instruments and a GSD football-shaped alarm clock.
Two cased decanters, a brass blowtorch, brass miner’s lamp, Hennessy (sic> cognac decanter, silver plated topped glass perfume bottle, cased carpet bowls set, quantity of tea wares including plates, cress dish on stand, oriental part tea service, commemorative mugs, decorative plate on stand, Royal Worcester coffee cup on saucer, Delft flask and stopper, French wine decanter, and a cognac football decanter and stopper, cow creamer, etc.
It was the blowtorch and miner’s lamp that did it for me!
A gentleman’s cased travelling set, quantity of old wooden rules, quantity compasses, some cased, cased Rolls Razor, Wilkinson Sword cased razor, cased folding opera glasses, Schotts boxed descant recorder, oak barrel, quantity ashtrays, china thimbles, oak boxes and other interesting items.
I always worry when I see things like “and other interesting items”.
A quantity of Masonic regalia.
Two stained glass windows.
Two hunting whips, one with silver mount.
That could perhaps have been expressed a little better!
A vintage Salvation Army bonnet in case, a writing slope, and an oak cutlery box.
Approximately 350 porcelain mugs to commemorate the marriage of Prince William and Katherine Middleton.
And if that isn’t enough the next lot is …
Approximately 600 porcelain mugs commemorating the marriage of Prince William and Katherine Middleton.
A mixed lot containing buttons, button hooks, cotton and other sewing paraphernalia, also cameras, binoculars, glassware, figurines, wine, photograph frames, soldier’s WWII tin helmet, blue and white china, etc.
You mean there is an “etc.” after that collection?
Stainless steel door handles, a pair of binoculars and an old hot water bottle an a framed montage of dried fungi.
A collection of old tins and tools.
A metal fire surround and two slabs of green marble.
A mixed lot of tools, old rope, kitchen equipment, two old Telecom telephones, children’s books, machinery magazines, etc.
Now who the hell would want to buy “old rope”?
Next something for the transvestites out there …
Two gent’s black evening suits and a 1960s sequinned lace dress.
A very heavy cast brass standard lamp styled as a Corinthian column wrapped with vine, on scrolling (sic) feet.
And the pièce de résistance is …
An unusual lot including a stuffed iguana, treen – both Oriental and South American, china ware, an old record player, an old radio and a picnic basket, sheepskin rugs, etc.
Every home really should have a stuffed iguana!

Buggerred Britain #20

Another instalment in my occasional series documenting some of the underbelly of Britain. Britain which we wouldn’t like visitors to see and which we wish wasn’t there. The trash, abused, decaying, destitute and otherwise buggered parts of our environment. Those parts which symbolise the current economic malaise; parts which, were the country flourishing, wouldn’t be there, would be better cared for, or made less inconvenient.
I could not resist this! The care home where my mother lives is having some building work done. This notice is posted outside their front door. Absolutely brilliant builder’s English!

Buggered Britain #20