Category Archives: amusements

amusements, science

Alien Postcards

This week New Scientist printed the winning entries in their New Year Competition. The challenge was to compose a text message of no more than 160 characters, sent home by an alien who has just arrived on our planet. I particularly liked:

Arr. Earth. Dominant species “car”. Colourful exoskeleton and bizarre reproduction via slave biped species. Aggressive but predictable. Intelligence uncertain.

We followed the wormhole, and have now discovered the source of the wet socks (of the singular kind) which are spontaneously materialising on our planet.

Parallel evolution of intelligent life. One carbon based, one silicon based. Carbon form domesticated by silicon form to feed it with all its needs.

OMG you have to see how they procreate.

Full results here. Enjoy!

amusements

Alarming Thought

A thought for those of you who, like me, have to get up tomorrow and go to work after a 10 day break …

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

amusements

Zen Mischievous Moments #121

To end the year here are a few of the year’s amusing sightings:

Vegetarian Housing Association
[www.veghousing.org.uk]

Pure natural spray tan
[Rembrant (sic) Hairdresser, Roman Road, E2; 07/02/2006]

Apple & Blackberry Pie Sticky Pudding
[The Audley, Mount Street, W1; 11/02/2006]

“This train is due to arrive and terminate into Glasgow Central at …”
[Announcement on GNER train 09/01/2006] (my emphasis)

Book by Dr Robert Latou Dickinson; Human Sex Anatomy: A Topographical Hand Atlas

Quantum Buddhism
[New Scientist; 11/02/2006]

Locally Grown Alternative Newspaper

Reference to a “SOAP/AXL Interface” – something to do with databases
[IBM presentation on VoIP]

Electric Egg Boiler

www.penisland.net
[Pen Island, a genuine company]

Is the Welsh alphabet written in digraphs?
[cix:railtrack/correspondence:1746]

Do not lock your bicycle on these railings as they will be forcibly removed
[Notice seen by Noreen at Crofton Park Rail Station, Kent; 25/09/2006]

Mills, Lockyer, Church & Evill
[Solicitors? in Finsbury Square, London, EC2 in 1930]

Here’s wishing everyone a propsperous and fun 2007!

amusements, books, quotes

Why Computers Sometimes Crash

Why Computers Sometimes Crash
by Dr Seuss

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash
then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol
that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang
‘cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk
and the macro code instruction caused unnecessary risk
then you’ll have to flash the mem’y; you’ll want to RAM your ROM
so quickly turn it off and be sure to tell your Mom!

amusements, beliefs

Zen Mischievous Moments #120

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells”.
Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “They’re Carols”.

[With thanks to Sophie Clissold]

amusements, beliefs

Zen Mischievous Moments #119

Jokes from our Christmas Crackers.

Q: How do snowmen get around?
A: On their icicle.

Q How can you tell a snowman from a snow-woman?
A: Snowballs

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.

Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: Tinsilitis.

[With thanks to Sophie Clissold]

amusements

Zen Mischievous Moments #118

2 Comments

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or “We don’t need no stinking light bulb.”
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

[With thanks to KellyPuffs, http://kellypuffs.wordpress.com/]