What I want to know is how many Lewd Manors there are that we are not allowed to behave in?!
Category Archives: amusements
Sisyphus Rolls His Jelly
Earlier today I was on a conference call trying – in vain – to get a supplier to commit to completing a piece of work by the date I need it. I’ve worked with this supplier before: they bob and weave to avoid dates, and when they can’t they (or to be fair often their suppliers) ignore them. I often liken getting things done under such circumstances to rolling jelly uphill through treacle with a toothpick. Which explains the little ditty I jotted down after today’s call:
The mountains of treacle
Grow up to the skies;
The mouldings of jelly
Grow fat in pigsties;
But my toothpicks, my toothpicks,
Stay tiny and slight,
No wonder my job
It is stressful and shite.
I might improve it, but it’ll do for a start. 🙂
Are you an eccentric?
This quiz measures eccentricity compared with the normality of Joe Public. Do not confuse eccentricity with a lack of inhibition. Also eccentricity has no relationship to social class or gender; true eccentrics can come from any social class.
Answer the following questions. You have to be scrupulously honest in your self-assessments. You could even get your partner or friends to score you as a check – or just for fun!
Score one for each YES answer.
- You don’t/won’t/haven’t had children because you’ve deliberately decided not to.
- You don’t have a car/motorbike.
- You can’t drive a car/motorbike.
- You regularly read books; difficult books not pulp fiction.
- You have more than 250 books in the house.
- You decide what you believe regardless of what the media/government says.
- You passionately believe in freedom of speech. (You may not agree with someone else’s view but you will defend to the death their right to hold and express that view however uncomfortable it may be.)
- You do not have a mortgage.
- You do not have a bank loan or overdraft of any sort (and have not had one in the last 3 years).
- You pay off your credit cards in full every month.
- You live in the smallest house that you need, rather than the largest you can afford.
- You grow some of your own fruit and veg.
- You were taught to think for yourself and make up your own mind and you still do.
- You sleep in the nude.
- You regularly walk around your house in the nude. Have an extra point if you regularly go nude in your garden.
- You sleep in the same bed as your partner every night.
- You talk to your partner about meaningful things like history, literature and your beliefs.
- You value your money; you don’t spend money you don’t have; you regularly save a significant part of your income.
- You have no more than two baths or showers a week.
- You don’t take foreign holidays.
- You don’t fly places as a leisure activity.
- You regularly eat food in strange combinations, or a peculiar order, because that’s what you like (eg. celery, strawberry jam and Marmite sandwiches; pudding before main course). Have an extra point if you’ve ever done this in a restaurant rather than at home.
- You do whatever you like/enjoy rather than what you think others expect of you and regardless of what they may think.
- You enjoy this country as our heritage.
- You take an interest in things around you like nature, history, architecture.
- You can name 3 or more breeds of these farm animals: one point for each of cow, pig, sheep, chicken.
- You do as well at University Challenge as the student teams do.
- You know and use unusual words like: antediluvian, peripatetic, antepenultimate, opiate, apiary, verisimilitude, febrile. (If you don’t know what all these mean you don’t score; definitions below.)
- You try to get things repaired before you succumb to buying a new one.
- You don’t have net curtains at your windows.
- You can draw, paint, sculpt or embroider and do it regularly for pleasure.
- You never watch soap operas or game shows on television.
- You don’t play golf.
- You ignore fashion and buy new clothes when you need them, not just because the season’s colours have changed.
- You don’t buy gadgets or boys’ toys.
- You wear a hat as part of your normal street attire. (Baseball caps, motorbike/cycle helmets, turbans and hoodies don’t count.)
- You keep an unusual pet. (Dogs, cats, fish, snakes, rodents, chickens, canaries don’t count. Parrots, llamas, goats, monkeys, Michael Jackson do count.)
- You spend less than ÂŁ100 on your partner (or if single each of your children, nieces, nephews as appropriate) at Christmas even though you could afford to spend more.
- There is one unusual thing about you which makes you stand out. For instance: you are habitually known by an unusual nickname (Ripples, Binki); you always wear fluorescent green eye shadow; you always carry a gent’s umbrella in your rucksack. (Tattoos, piercings and dyed hair don’t count.)
- You habitually turn down free food, free gifts and “bargains” because they are not things you want/need.
- You have a pre-1960 car which you still use for everyday travel.
- You have retained a childhood/youthful interest long past what is generally deemed an appropriate age (eg. you’re still youth hosteling or camping in your 60s). (Score 2 points if you can honestly say you have more than one.)
- You have an unusual hobby like breeding daffodils, bellringing, playing church organs or learning Cornish. (Score 2 points if you can honestly say you have more than one.)
Scoring
Score one point for each YES answer; the maximum score is 50.
43-50 A true eccentric’s eccentric. One of the best.
32-42 Definitely eccentric. You’re the sort of person of whom it is said “They’re mad”.
20-31 You have the potential to be eccentric but you need to sharpen your skills,
0-20 Boringly normal.
Word definitions
antediluvian. Occurring or belonging to the era before the Biblical Flood. Extremely old and antiquated.
peripatetic. Walking about or from place to place; traveling on foot. One who does a job which takes them from place to place.
antepenultimate. Coming before the next to the last in a series.
opiate. A sedative narcotic containing opium or one of its derivatives. Something that dulls the senses and induces relaxation or torpor.
apiary. A place where bees and beehives are kept, especially a place where bees are raised for their honey
verisimilitude. The quality of appearing to be true or real.
febrile. Feverish (as in when you have ‘flu).
Oh and just for fun I measured 39 on this scale.
Monty Python
Wat Tyler Country Park, Essex, originally uploaded by Whipper_snapper.
Weird. Very Monty Python. It suggests a whole new set of meanings for that lovely piece from Monty Python and the Holy Grail:
Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony … You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! … I mean, if I went around sayin’ I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they’d put me away!
Fortune Cookies
Came across the following fortune cookies in a box of Italian chocolates over the weekend.
The night is silent, and in its silence dreams are hidden
Love me because without you I can do nothing, I am nothing
You shine in my heart like the moon in the night sky
Let us enjoy our love as long as we may
A magical night of bliss begins and ends with a kiss
Do You Know Jack Schitt?
This must be the most brilliant t-shirt I think I’ve ever come across!
Zen Mischievous Moments #124
From New Scientist, 3 March 2007 …
Viral notices
At the end of last year, we voiced the fear that we are being exploited by viral notices for the purposes of propagating themselves (16 December 2006). Lindsay Brash observes that the notice we mentioned then — “Please do not remove this notice until 23rd July” — “demonstrates the rapid evolution of viruses and the sophisticated tricks they can employ on their hosts. By stating a date, the notice fools humans into thinking it must be legitimate, and they let it be.”
In fact, Brash goes on, it’s even cleverer than that: people “are so gullible that they are not likely to remove it until some time after the stated date. But by then they will forget when they first saw it and, to be safe, leave it until the next 23 July. Fantastic!”
And in James Penketh’s school there is a notice with an even more subtle survival strategy: inducing complete cognitive breakdown. It reads “Take no notice of this notice. By Order.” If he took no notice of this notice, he asks, “would I know to take no notice of it?”
Justin Needham, meanwhile, has found an example of the suicide notice: “Please leave these facilities as you would wish to find them”. Every time he spots one, he writes, “I am tempted (and sometimes succumb) to tear it down. That’s better, just how I wish to find the facilities — with no patronising notices.”
Neologism
Reported to me by an acquaintance a guy on a radio programme yesterday saying that his boss had asked him to:
come down and throw a few things in the ideas wok and stir-fry up some solutions.
I’m just speechless.
Zen Mischievous Moments #123
Marketing Explained
Marketing the buzz word in today’s business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of “Marketing.” Well, here it is:
1. You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Direct Marketing.
2. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, “She’s fantastic in bed.”
That’s Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Public Relations.
5. You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
That’s Brand Recognition.
6. You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That’s a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.
That’s Tech Support.
8. You’re on your way to a party when you realise that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”
That’s Junk Mail!
Friday Five: Not Doing
1. What do you try to stay away from?
Germs, crowds, the London Underground, buses (yeuch!)
2. Are you clumsy or graceful?
Clumsy.
3. What is it too late for?
Getting somewhere in life. Making a real difference. A decent pension.
4. What/who was your first love?
Sandra Shorer. I think we were eight; maybe as old as ten. She wasn’t interested. OMG that’s a lifetime ago; nearly 50 years!
5. Friday fill in:I believe that the sun will turn green in 38 days time.
[Brought to you courtesy of Friday Fiver]

