More on English …

Thanks to Riannan (aka “In the Headlights“) we bring you the translations of some common words, phrases and silences used by women, but rarely understood by men:

Fine: A word used by women to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes means five minutes if you have been told you have five more minutes to watch the game before helping her with chores.

Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This actually means something, and should alert you to be on your toes. Arguments beginning with nothing usually end in “fine”. Nothing can refer to silence, or can actually be a comment, as in “What’s wrong?”, “Nothing”.

Go ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Whatever it is, don’t do it.

Audible sigh: This is not a word, but a non-verbal statement, often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you about nothing (qv).

That’s okay: One of the most dangerous things a woman can say to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Don’t ask why or faint. Just say “you’re welcome.”

Whatever: Her way of saying f*** you.

Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it: Another dangerous statement. This refers to something a woman has asked a man to do several times but is now doing herself. This will lead to a man’s asking “what’s wrong?” which is answered by “nothing.”

Following on from yesterday’s post about the difficulties of the English language, Noreen came across the following letter from one David Truman of Fulham in the London Evening Standard of 18 November 1991:

Lines in honour of the rehabilitation of Frank Bough (by an inner-London primary school teacher trying to teach children English).

I take it you already know
of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through?
I write in case you wish perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps:
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it’s said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake, don’t call it “deed”!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear for bear, or fear for pear.
There’s dose and rose, there’s also lose
(Just look them up) and goose and choose,
And cork and work, and card and ward,
And font and front, and word and sword,
And do and go, and thwart and cart
Come come, I’ve barely made a start!
A dreadful language?
Man alive, Who mastered it when I was five!