Category Archives: amusements

English is a B*gg*er of a Language

Following on from yesterday’s post about the difficulties of the English language, Noreen came across the following letter from one David Truman of Fulham in the London Evening Standard of 18 November 1991:

Lines in honour of the rehabilitation of Frank Bough (by an inner-London primary school teacher trying to teach children English).

I take it you already know
of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through?
I write in case you wish perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps:
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it’s said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake, don’t call it “deed”!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear for bear, or fear for pear.
There’s dose and rose, there’s also lose
(Just look them up) and goose and choose,
And cork and work, and card and ward,
And font and front, and word and sword,
And do and go, and thwart and cart
Come come, I’ve barely made a start!
A dreadful language?
Man alive, Who mastered it when I was five!

Zen Mischievous Moments #127

Twenty-one reasons why English is hardest language to learn.

  1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
  2. The farm was used to produce produce.
  3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
  4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
  5. He could lead if he would get the lead out of the lead.
  6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  8. A bass and a bass were painted on the head of the bass drum.
  9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
  10. I did not object to the object.
  11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
  12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
  13. They were too close to the door to the close to close it.
  14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
  15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
  16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
  17. The wind was too strong to wind in the sail.
  18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
  19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
  20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
  21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[With thanks to Sue Frye]

Zen Mischievous Moments #125

The following has been nominated as the world’s best short joke of the year:

A three-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom”, he asked, “Are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.

[With thanks to Sue Frye]

Sisyphus Rolls His Jelly

Earlier today I was on a conference call trying – in vain – to get a supplier to commit to completing a piece of work by the date I need it. I’ve worked with this supplier before: they bob and weave to avoid dates, and when they can’t they (or to be fair often their suppliers) ignore them. I often liken getting things done under such circumstances to rolling jelly uphill through treacle with a toothpick. Which explains the little ditty I jotted down after today’s call:

The mountains of treacle
Grow up to the skies;
The mouldings of jelly
Grow fat in pigsties;
But my toothpicks, my toothpicks,
Stay tiny and slight,
No wonder my job
It is stressful and shite.

I might improve it, but it’ll do for a start. 🙂

Are you an eccentric?

This quiz measures eccentricity compared with the normality of Joe Public. Do not confuse eccentricity with a lack of inhibition. Also eccentricity has no relationship to social class or gender; true eccentrics can come from any social class.

Answer the following questions. You have to be scrupulously honest in your self-assessments. You could even get your partner or friends to score you as a check – or just for fun!

Score one for each YES answer.

  1. You don’t/won’t/haven’t had children because you’ve deliberately decided not to.
  2. You don’t have a car/motorbike.
  3. You can’t drive a car/motorbike.
  4. You regularly read books; difficult books not pulp fiction.
  5. You have more than 250 books in the house.
  6. You decide what you believe regardless of what the media/government says.
  7. You passionately believe in freedom of speech. (You may not agree with someone else’s view but you will defend to the death their right to hold and express that view however uncomfortable it may be.)
  8. You do not have a mortgage.
  9. You do not have a bank loan or overdraft of any sort (and have not had one in the last 3 years).
  10. You pay off your credit cards in full every month.
  11. You live in the smallest house that you need, rather than the largest you can afford.
  12. You grow some of your own fruit and veg.
  13. You were taught to think for yourself and make up your own mind and you still do.
  14. You sleep in the nude.
  15. You regularly walk around your house in the nude. Have an extra point if you regularly go nude in your garden.
  16. You sleep in the same bed as your partner every night.
  17. You talk to your partner about meaningful things like history, literature and your beliefs.
  18. You value your money; you don’t spend money you don’t have; you regularly save a significant part of your income.
  19. You have no more than two baths or showers a week.
  20. You don’t take foreign holidays.
  21. You don’t fly places as a leisure activity.
  22. You regularly eat food in strange combinations, or a peculiar order, because that’s what you like (eg. celery, strawberry jam and Marmite sandwiches; pudding before main course). Have an extra point if you’ve ever done this in a restaurant rather than at home.
  23. You do whatever you like/enjoy rather than what you think others expect of you and regardless of what they may think.
  24. You enjoy this country as our heritage.
  25. You take an interest in things around you like nature, history, architecture.
  26. You can name 3 or more breeds of these farm animals: one point for each of cow, pig, sheep, chicken.
  27. You do as well at University Challenge as the student teams do.
  28. You know and use unusual words like: antediluvian, peripatetic, antepenultimate, opiate, apiary, verisimilitude, febrile. (If you don’t know what all these mean you don’t score; definitions below.)
  29. You try to get things repaired before you succumb to buying a new one.
  30. You don’t have net curtains at your windows.
  31. You can draw, paint, sculpt or embroider and do it regularly for pleasure.
  32. You never watch soap operas or game shows on television.
  33. You don’t play golf.
  34. You ignore fashion and buy new clothes when you need them, not just because the season’s colours have changed.
  35. You don’t buy gadgets or boys’ toys.
  36. You wear a hat as part of your normal street attire. (Baseball caps, motorbike/cycle helmets, turbans and hoodies don’t count.)
  37. You keep an unusual pet. (Dogs, cats, fish, snakes, rodents, chickens, canaries don’t count. Parrots, llamas, goats, monkeys, Michael Jackson do count.)
  38. You spend less than ÂŁ100 on your partner (or if single each of your children, nieces, nephews as appropriate) at Christmas even though you could afford to spend more.
  39. There is one unusual thing about you which makes you stand out. For instance: you are habitually known by an unusual nickname (Ripples, Binki); you always wear fluorescent green eye shadow; you always carry a gent’s umbrella in your rucksack. (Tattoos, piercings and dyed hair don’t count.)
  40. You habitually turn down free food, free gifts and “bargains” because they are not things you want/need.
  41. You have a pre-1960 car which you still use for everyday travel.
  42. You have retained a childhood/youthful interest long past what is generally deemed an appropriate age (eg. you’re still youth hosteling or camping in your 60s). (Score 2 points if you can honestly say you have more than one.)
  43. You have an unusual hobby like breeding daffodils, bellringing, playing church organs or learning Cornish. (Score 2 points if you can honestly say you have more than one.)

Scoring
Score one point for each YES answer; the maximum score is 50.
43-50 A true eccentric’s eccentric. One of the best.
32-42 Definitely eccentric. You’re the sort of person of whom it is said “They’re mad”.
20-31 You have the potential to be eccentric but you need to sharpen your skills,
0-20 Boringly normal.


Word definitions
antediluvian. Occurring or belonging to the era before the Biblical Flood. Extremely old and antiquated.
peripatetic. Walking about or from place to place; traveling on foot. One who does a job which takes them from place to place.
antepenultimate. Coming before the next to the last in a series.
opiate. A sedative narcotic containing opium or one of its derivatives. Something that dulls the senses and induces relaxation or torpor.
apiary. A place where bees and beehives are kept, especially a place where bees are raised for their honey
verisimilitude. The quality of appearing to be true or real.
febrile. Feverish (as in when you have ‘flu).


Oh and just for fun I measured 39 on this scale.

Monty Python


Wat Tyler Country Park, Essex, originally uploaded by Whipper_snapper.

Weird. Very Monty Python. It suggests a whole new set of meanings for that lovely piece from Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony … You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! … I mean, if I went around sayin’ I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they’d put me away!