In this week’s Listography Kate is asking that we write down the top five phrases which drive us crazy.

Only five Kate? I could write a whole book!

Anyway here is a selection of five.

He should be there. The immortal words of every taxi controller when you ring up to find out what happened to the car that you booked for half an hour ago. Yes, I know he should be here, but guess what? He isn’t. Which is why I’m ringing you, dickhead!

People are confused. So frequently heard in the media these days. It seems to be polite-speak for “We think people are terminally thick so we’re going to condescend to them and tell them what to do”. People usually aren’t confused. They may not know. And they may not be intelligent enough to understand. But they aren’t usually confused, unless you deliberately confused them to start with.

You’ll have to phone X. Why? This is your problem as it is you I’m complaining to. You should be owning the problem and getting it sorted for me. Why do I, the customer, have to do the running around — and paying for phone calls — when you’ve screwed up?

It’s not my fault. Another refuge of the inadequate call centre** droid. Yes, I know it isn’t your fault, but you are representing your company and it’s you that I, the customer, am asking for help. Now own the problem and do something.

My system is going slow or We’re having IT problems today. Yet another refuge of the call centre assistant. What you mean is your company doesn’t invest properly in its IT infrastructure. Makes me wonder why I do business with people who can’t run a business properly!

Oh and a bonus for good luck … Can I just pop you on hold a moment? Another perpetrated by the call centre. Translate as “I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about so I’ll let you pay to listen to crap music for 10 minutes while Tracey tries to explain it to me for the third time today”. This is yet another sign that your call centre is being run on the cheap: the people aren’t well enough trained and there aren’t enough of them for the volume of calls. It would be more polite to say “I’m sorry, I don’t know. Please may I get someone to call you back”? — as long as they do call back promptly!

Oh God, they’re all about poor service, which makes me sound a real grumpy old git. I’m not really. And I’m usually fairly forgiving, if only because I know what it’s like manning a call centre (and being a checkout assistant)! As well as being a customer, everyone should have to spend time working the other side of the counter and dealing with the awful public. It might make people a bit more polite to call centre staff, but maybe less forgiving of poor management.

It’s such a delight when one does come across someone who is friendly, does know and really does help fix the problem. I try to make a point of thanking them and telling them how good their service has been.

So what gets right up your goat then missus?

** I use “call centre” loosely to include all those counter assistants one dreads having to deal with in computer stores, home appliance stores, banks etc.