Yesterday my friend Katy posted on her blog about feeling slightly strange.
Once I’d recovered from my initial reaction of “well, yeah, I wouldn’t expect anything less from you!” I realised that it wasn’t just Katy. Because I feel a bit the same. Which is odd.
This year started with me struggling as I had done most of last year. Struggling to do anything other than want to sleep. Which is partly down to the depression and partly a reaction to being overloaded with things to be done — which are actually much the same thing in my brain.
And then about 10 days ago I had a filthy cold. And my lower back was giving the hell, despite having been to the osteopath and had a massage a couple of days before. In fact my back was so bad it was giving me awful guts ache.
Then something odd happened. The cold gradually wore off during last week so that by about Thursday I was feeling human again (well, as human as you would expect me to be!).
But it was more than this. The cold was gone. I had managed to make myself some relief from the never-ending demands of too much to do — it was all still there, and all still needing to be done, but it felt easier; less overwhelming. My head was clearer and everything was brighter. And my back was much more at ease — not right, it never will be, but much easier.
I like this. This is how I should feel. I’m managing to get things done. Probably not much more than I was forcing myself to do before, but there’s a lot less effort involved.
I seem to be sleeping better, which is being helped by being able to wake up naturally most days. That’s generally between 8 and 9 o’clock; and not the struggle for consciousness at 11 as it was before.
I would love this feeling to continue; but, ever the realist, I’m not holding my breath. I’m just enjoying the few days while it’s here and hoping it decides to stay.
And all this despite some unwelcome medical stuff on the horizon, starting today with, I expect, a difficult discussion with my GP about my diabetes — which because I’m relatively relaxed and prepared seems a lot less worrying than it probably should.
As Katy comments (of herself): I think I am experiencing a form of self care. It’s not something I do very often, not properly. I’m not talking all that take a bath in expensive bath oil and light candles bollocks. I’m talking about proper, solid self care.
If that’s what it is, I have no clue where I caught it; it certainly wasn’t conscious. I don’t know how to feed it properly so it wants to stay. But stay it certainly may.
Please!