Up-Front Disclaimers:
(1) I am male and 110% heterosexual so this post is written from that standpoint. If your sexuality is other than male and straight hetero adjust what follows to suit your predilections.
(2) No-one will be identified herein. One or two persons may think they can identify themselves, and maybe they can, but they may be mistaken.
(3) I have been happily married for over 30 years and nothing that follows has, as far as I am aware, any disruptive effect on that; if anything, because I think, and am open, about such things the opposite is true. And of course my wife is entirety excluded from what follows.

I’ve been thinking recently about my reactions towards female friends and sex. First of all let me say that I am not talking about “friends with benefits”, because I don’t have any of them.

The first thing I have come to realise is that my female friends (friends, rather than casual acquaintances) past and present, fall rather neatly into two groups according to what are, I hope my underlying, impressions of the sexual content of that relationship. Sex with any of these friends has never been “on the table”.

There is a group of ladies (young and not so young) who I find to a greater or lesser extent sexually attractive — although I would never attempt to “cash in” on this. But however close our friendship, and however attractive I find them, almost to a woman I can look at them and say to myself “I could never live with her; she’d drive me up the wall!” because of whatever foible. I expect the feeling to be mutual. But nevertheless there is always this nagging feeling of “But I’d love to have sex with her, just because I’m curious to know what it’s like”. And I mean that just as written: I have a curiosity as to what sex with the lady is like — no more, no less. But, my friends, you’re safe; I would never insult you by overtly exposing my curiosity, let alone instigating anything sexual.

The other group of friends are almost the opposite. However close I am to them, and however delightful I find them, I have no curiosity at all about having sex with them. The thought just never occurs; it is not part of my (inner) equation of the relationship.

And I emphasise that sex is not on the table in any of these friendships and never has been. All of which I find curious, especially given the overlying sexual nature of the human male. After all it is often said (and I don’t know how much this is borne our by research) that men lose interest in women, even ones they’re friends with, when sex is definitively taken off the table — something I’ve always felt is a very male chauvinist attitude. But then men in western society generally are chauvinists, and I would admit that, much as I try not to be, I’m no exception.

The other thing I’ve come to realise is to do with my former girlfriends; those with whom I’ve had a sexual or proto-sexual relationship. Looking back at those relationships from a distance I realise that however much I still cherish and value them (and I do) they are done and gone. There was great and fun sex in some of them, and in others what sex there was was pretty rubbish. But, in retrospect, I learnt something from them all.

However with one exception none has left what I would term “a hole in my heart”. The one exception was my first real girlfriend; even after almost 40 years there is still a hole in my heart and a special place for that young lady. Whether that is because she did the breaking up, or because I found that break-up so hard (I’m still annoyed with myself for not coping better with it), or because I have never really reached full closure, I don’t know. We never had (penetrative) sex and despite our collective inexperience I still wonder what sex with her would have been like. I would love to know what happened to her; how she got on in life; and whether after all these years there would still be any friendship there. But I am sanguine enough to know that I never will know, and that she probably doesn’t care.

Am I alone in these feelings? Do others find their friendships divide into two groups: those where there is an inner sexual curiosity and those where there isn’t? And do others have long-gone relationships which have left a gaping hole in their heart even after half a lifetime? I’d love to know whether this is a common experience or whether I’m just deranged. (No, maybe don’t’ answer that!)