As this seems to be confessional time, here is Kate’s Listography from last week that I missed doing. It’s Things I’d Change About Myself … but more specifically characteristics I’d change. (Apparently the vanity of how I look is not allowed.) Hmmm…

My Weight. What do you mean this counts as looks? No it doesn’t. I’d look like a sack of spuds whether I was twice the size I should be or not. I have this characteristic which means I eat too much. Not necessarily the wrong things. Just too much. And if I’m not careful I drink too much beer as well. And I seem to be unable to switch it off. Why can’t I be down to fighting weight and sexy? Even hypnotherapy has so far only succeeded in chipping odd bits off the corners. And it’s all linked to …

Depression. Wouldn’t I love to get rid of my depression. It is so destructive. And I suspect I’ve had it since childhood. I also suspect that, although it is probably multi-factorial there is a genetic component; my father and his father were both depressive. I do seem to have made some progress here as a result of the hypnotherapy. My depression is now much less (giving up work helped a lot!) and I’ve halved the dose of my anti-depressants. Maybe that one is amenable to being smacked on the head.

Patience. I admit I’m not patient. I never have been. Although again I’m a lot better than I used to be. I hate being late. I hate others being late, or dithering, or being stupid, or disorganised. I hate standing in queues. I hate it when things don’t go my way; I get annoyed and sweary. Gggrrrrrrr! Just get a life and relax will you! NOW!

I’m not quite sure how to sum up this next one. But I would like to be less prone to having my arse stuck in my chair, doing more around the home, helping and generally being more engaged. I don’t mind being inept with my hands and having ten left thumbs for fingers (after all my father had twenty left thumbs and he survived to be 86). It’s partly down to the depression, but I feel that is really only an excuse. But I would appreciate being able to make myself do more; things might get done then. And I know Noreen would appreciate this too.

Finally, I need to be able to let go; be less “in control” all the time. Everything I do and say seems to be controlled; thought out; calculated. There isn’t enough spontaneity; not enough emotion. I seem to be frightened of being emotional, letting my emotions out and just allowing my self to relax into things and go with the flow. And for some strange reason it feels as if it has gotten worse recently. Or maybe I’ve just become more aware of it. Definitely something I need to work on.