Our mid-month round-up of the amusing and thought-provoking wisdom of the world recently encountered …
Guess what? Birth is grisly, living is a messy business, and dying is fucking horrendous. Health care is at the gritty end of things. That’s its job. That’s what it does. We don’t expect it to look lovely. We don’t expect it to speak nicely, and wear expensive clothes. We expect it to work. We expect it to get down into the guts of the matter and fix things. It needs to fix people. It needs to fix lives. It needs to help us give birth, it needs to ease living, and soothe the dying. It isn’t about forms and management committees and balance sheets, not where it really matters.
[Katy Wheatley]
Man is the most insane species. He worships an invisible God and slaughters a visible Nature … without realizing that this Nature he slaughters is this invisible God he worships.
[Hubert Reeves]
[T]he close ties between a family and their GP is rapidly coming to an end. The politicians do not seem to understand that General Practice is not just about making a diagnosis and giving someone the ‘correct’ treatment in the shortest time possible. Although this is important, it is also about trust, compassion, reassurance, inter-relationships, life and support — most of which is not measurable and can only successfully be achieved once you’ve developed an on-going relationship in which a person has faith and trust in their doctor and the doctor has faith, trust and an understanding of the history (physical, social and psychological) of their patient.
[Dr Jonathan Lenten, Leicester]
People feel uncomfortable expressing views that Gordon Brown would have described as bigoted, but they feel them anyway, and so politicians and pundits come up with safe proxies to use.
Immigrants take jobs. Immigrants take benefits. Immigrants take without contributing.
It’s a soft xenophobia about strange other people with their strange ways, packaged into a Tesco Value political argument about the cost of migration on the UK Government’s rather overdrawn bank account.
[Ian Mansfield at IanVisits]
Chores on a morning as grim as double maths. Two magpies cross the back of the class like naughty paper aeroplanes.
[Simon Barnes on Twitter]
Small children are justified in being conspiracy theorists, since their world is run by an inscrutable and all-powerful organization possessing secret communications and mysterious powers — a world of adults, who act by a system of rules that children gradually master as they grow up.
[Thomas Griffiths & Joshua Tenenbaum in a 2006 study on coincidences]
The chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.
[Warren Buffett]
The same number of doctors with a lower limit on maximum hours, providing the same level of care, across more days.
[Jeremy Hunt, Secretary of State for Health quoted in the Daily Telegraph]
[Compare with NASA’s much reviled desire for “Faster, Better, Cheaper”. Neither computes.]
I may be a Guardian contributor, but I still draw the line at spending upwards of £5 for a worryingly-green “energising smoothie” or some other crap. Maybe it’s my working class background, but I can’t contemplate paying paper money for a bottle of denser-than-average pond water.
[Dean Burnett, Guardian, 11/03/2016]
Court at your peril those spirits that dabble lasciviously with primeval matter, horrid substances, sperm of the world, producing monsters and fantastic things, as it is written, so that the toad, this leprous earth, eats up the eagle.
[Anthony Powell, Temporary Kings]
No government or party comes towards smokers with a position of policy purity — it is an income stream.
[Australian Federal MP Ewen Jones]

Whatever it is you’re seeking won’t come in the form you’re expecting.
Haruki Murakami; Kafka on the Shore

OK, so here goes with our monthly (mid-month) round-up of the amusing and thought-provoking wisdom of the world recently encountered. In no special order …
Clutter is not just physical stuff. It’s old ideas, toxic relationships and bad habits. Clutter is anything that does not support your better self.
[Eleanor Brownn]
One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends. And they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they just love him anyway, and they never leave him behind or ask him to change.
[David Wolfe]
The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds.
[Dalai Lama]
Life is not about how fast you run or how high you climb but how well you bounce.
[Vivian Komori]
Every man identifies with Hamlet, it has been said, since every man imagines himself a disinherited monarch; every woman identifies with Alice, since every woman sees herself as the sole sane person in a world filled with lunatics who imagine themselves disinherited monarchs.
[Adam Gopnik]
Whether the British ruling class are wicked or merely stupid is one of the most difficult questions of our time, and at certain moments a very important question.
[George Orwell]
We had a sermon a while back from our pastor talking about how shaming someone is to go against everything Christian. Yet children are natural nudists. The only way to keep them dressed is to teach them shame. “Don’t pull up your dress &,dash; someone will see your panties.” “Don’t go outside naked — someone will see your penis.” This occurs again and again until there is a wall of shame. Is nudity a dangerous path? I believe shame is far worse.
[“Jon” quoted in Naturist Life International]
“Consensual sex” is just sex. To say that implies that there is such a thing as “non consensual sex”, which there isn’t. That’s rape. That is what it needs to be called. There is only sex or rape. Do not teach people that rape is just another type of sex. They are two very separate events. You wouldn’t say “breathing swimming” and “non-breathing swimming”, you say swimming and drowning.
One of the best things about getting older: knowing that someone is an arsehole before they even speak.
Man is the sole animal whose nudities offend his own companions, and who, in his natural actions, withdraws & hides himself from his own kind.
If God declared our unclothed naked bodies to be VERY GOOD on day 6th day of creation. THEN THEY MUST BE SO.
A fellow who I helped write two books about psychology and psychiatry was a renowned psychiatrist in London called Robin Skynner said something very interesting to me. He said, “If people can’t control their own emotions, then they have to start trying to control other people’s behaviour.” And when you’re around super-sensitive people, you cannot relax and be spontaneous because you have no idea what’s going to upset them next. And that’s why I’ve been warned recently don’t to go to most university campuses because the political correctness has been taken from being a good idea, which is let’s not be mean in particular to people who are not able to look after themselves very well — that’s a good idea — to the point where any kind of criticism or any individual or group could be labelled cruel.
[John Cleese]
Christianity. The popular belief that a celestial Jewish baby who is also his own father, born from a virgin mother, died for three days so that he could ascend to heaven on a cloud and then make you live forever only if you symbolically eat his flesh, drink his blood and telepathically tell him you accept him as your lord & master so he can remove an evil force from your spiritual being that is present in all humanity because an immoral woman made from a man’s rib was hoodwinked by a talking reptile possessed by an malicious angel to secretly eat forbidden fruit from a magical tree.
He who would make his own liberty secure must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself.
[Thomas Paine, philosopher and writer, 1737-1809. With thanks to John Monaghan]

Strong minds discuss ideas,
average minds discuss events,
weak minds discuss people.
[Socrates]

So here is the next instalment of interesting, amusing and thought-provoking quotes recently encountered. And as with our “Interesting Links” posts these posts will now be monthly, on or around the middle day of the month. So here goes …
The best thing that can happen to someone before they retire is that they hate their job at the end. Those that have loved it and are restructured out or pushed out have a harder time. If I had a recipe for good retirement it would be to have a bad job in the last three working years.
[Ken LeClair, professor of psychiatry]
Maybe our western culture just doesn’t help people deal with their feelings. It’s complicated, loving someone is hard. Staying the course with someone is hard. You can’t just keep upgrading people like you do with your phone.
[Jeanette Winterson]
Secresy is an instrument of conspiracy; it ought not, therefore, to be the system of a regular government.
[Jeremy Bentham, in his essay “Of Publicity”, published in 1843. And yes, “Secresy” is the spelling in the original]
There is no difference between talking to someone with their top on as there is with their top off. I think you make a choice whether to make the situation sexual, and it’s usually the relationship you have with the person that makes it erotic.
The skin is more beautiful than the garment in which it is clothed.
[Michelangelo]
We have come into the world naked, and all the animals are naked, why should man hide his body behind clothes?
[Osho]
Is obesity a result of overeating? Yes, maybe, and no. There’s science and then there is the agenda of the various health, fitness and diet businesses mixed up in this. Sometimes fatness is the result of inadvertent repetitive dieting which can upset our metabolism. Sometimes it’s a result of eating the non-food foods that industry peddles. These drench our tastebuds with fat, salt and sugar combinations that overstimulate without giving a sense of satisfaction — other than reaching the end of the packet. Sometimes it is because these same non-food foods take a too-quick journey through our body without being properly digested.
Sometimes, as epigeneticists are discovering, it is to do with changes that occurred two generations ago, when food was very scarce. Sometimes … it is to do with changes caused by early and frequent antibiotic use which alter the flora in our gut.
And then there’s the psychology of it all. Sometimes it’s because the pressure towards restraint leads to rebellion, to a desire to gorge ourselves, as consumerism invites us to with beautiful food-porn programmes. Sometimes of course, fat is a form of individual protest in a world that valorises thin. Sometimes fat is a result of emotional hungers perceived to be too difficult to express any other way. Sometimes fat is a result of absorbing a family preoccupation with food and then contesting it. Sometimes fat, like anorexia, is an eating difficulty that shows. Most don’t, but fat does.
[Susie Orbach; Guardian; 14/12/2015]
Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
[George Carlin]
None of us knows the future. You always have to act with only the knowledge you possess at the moment. You’re going to make mistakes. When you’ve made a mistake … it’s best to apologize or try to put it right …
[Brad Warner; Hardcore Zen; 21/12/2015]
Yes, English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
[David Burge, @iowahawkblog on Twitter]
No pleasure is worth giving up for the sake of two more years in a geriatric home at Weston-super-Mare.
[Kingsley Amis]
Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.
[Mark, 3:28-29. Such a good way to get rid of Jehovah’s Witnesses et al.]
Last year, 44 Americans were shot by Muslim terrorists. By comparison, 52 Americans were shot by toddlers. Which raises the question: Why isn’t the government doing more to protect us from toddlers? Think about it. They don’t share our values. They barely speak English. They steal our welfare. They have no marketable skills. They’re prone to angry outbursts. Worst of all? Most of them aren’t even Christians. How long until we say enough is enough and deport these free-loading parasites once and for all?
[Jeremy McLellan, comedian]
In the Elizabethan play Wily Beguiled, a character named Will Cricket boasts that women find him attractive because he possesses “a sweet face, a fine beard, comely corpse, and a carousing codpiece”.
[From: What goes up must come down: a brief history of the codpiece]
Rationality is what we do to organize the world, to make it possible to predict. Art is the rehearsal for the inapplicability and failure of that process.
[Brian Eno]
History is changed by people who get pissed off. Only neo-vegetables enjoy using computers the way they are at the moment. If you want to make computers that really work, create a design team composed only of healthy, active women with lots else to do in their lives and give them carte blanche. Do not under any circumstances consult anyone who (a) is fascinated by computer games (b) tends to describe silly things as ‘totally cool’ (c) has nothing better to do except fiddle with these damn things night after night.
[Brian Eno]
A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.
[George Santayana]
The problem with today’s world is that everyone believes they have the right to express their opinion AND have others listen to it. The correct statement of individual rights is that everyone has the right to an opinion, but crucially, that opinion can be roundly ignored and even made fun of, particularly if it is demonstrably nonsense.
[Professor Brian Cox]
More next month.

Another round of recently encountered quotes to amuse and enlighten.
I do not believe anything. Most people, even the educated, think that everybody must “believe” something or other, that if one is not a theist, one must be a dogmatic atheist, and if one does not think Capitalism is perfect, one must believe fervently in Socialism, and if one does not have blind faith in X, one must alternatively have blind faith in not-X, or the reverse of X. My own opinion is that belief is the death of intelligence.
[Robert Anton Wilson]
If a problem is fixable, there is no need to worry … If it’s not fixable, then there is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.
[Dalai Lama]
None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an afterthought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you’re carrying in your heart like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There’s no time for anything else.
[Nanea Hoffman at Sweatpants and Coffee]
Human ingenuity is unceasing. The first mechanical clock was introduced to England in the reign of Edward III. It marks the demise of the feudal and seasonal world no less plainly than the advent of the longbow and the decline of the serf. The first reference to a crane, working in a harbour, comes from 1347.
[Peter Ackroyd; The History of England, Volume I: Foundation]
A twelfth-century philosopher, Alexander Neckam, stated that wine should be as clear as the tears of a penitent. He also declared that a good wine should be as sweet-tasting as an almond, as surreptitious as a squirrel, as high-spirited as a roebuck, as strong as a Cistercian monastery, as glittering as a spark of fire, as subtle as the logic of the schools of Paris, as delicate as fine silk, and as cold as crystal. The language of the wine connoisseur has not notably diminished in fancifulness over the centuries.
[Peter Ackroyd; The History of England, Volume I: Foundation]
When we look over the course of human affairs we are more likely than not to find only error and confusion. I have already explained, in the course of this narrative, that the writing of history is often another way of defining chaos. There is in fact a case for saying that human history, as it is generally described and understood, is the sum total of accident and unintended consequence.
[Peter Ackroyd; The History of England, Volume I: Foundation]
Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.
[Terry Pratchett]
A guy walks up to a Zen master and asks, “Is there life after death?”
The Zen Master says, “How should I know?”
The guy replies indignantly, “Because you’re a Zen master!”
“Yes,” says the Zen master, “but not a dead one.”
[Brad Warner; Hardcore Zen]
Devoe Pant by Steven Alan.
High rise, pull on pants in fluid virgin wool crepe. The Devoe Pants offer a relaxed fit inspired by handmade ceramics and abstract art objects. Featuring a single rear open patch pocket, gathered waist and cropped leg.
[Only 209ukp from Couverture & the Garbstore]
When you choose your friends, don’t be short-changed by choosing personality over character.
[W Somerset Maugham]
When people walk away, let them. Your future is not about people who walk away. It’s about the people who stay in it for the ride.
France embodies everything religious zealots everywhere hate: enjoyment of life here on earth in a myriad little ways: a fragrant cup of coffee and buttery croissant in the morning, beautiful women in short dresses smiling freely on the street, the smell of warm bread, a bottle of wine shared with friends, a dab of perfume, children playing in the Luxembourg Gardens, the right not to believe in any god, not to worry about calories, to flirt and smoke and enjoy sex outside of marriage, to take vacations, to read any book you want, to go to school for free, to play, to laugh, to argue, to make fun of prelates and politicians alike, to leave worrying about the afterlife to the dead. No country does life on earth better than the French.
[New York Times; 14 November 2015]
It is important to remember, nothing about what these assholes [the ones bombing Paris] are trying to do is going to work. France is going to endure and I’ll tell you why. If you are in a war of culture and lifestyle with France, good fucking luck. Go ahead, bring your bankrupt ideology. They’ll bring Jean-Paul Sartre, Edith Piaf, fine wine, Gauloise cigarettes, Camus, Camembert, madeleines, macarons, and the fucking croquembouche. You just brought a philosophy of rigorous self-abnegation to a pastry fight, my friend. You are fucked.
[John Oliver, quoted by Brad Warner at Hardcore Zen]
At 70 years old, if I could give my younger self one piece of advice, it would be to use the words “fuck off” much more frequently.
-Helen Mirren

If a problem is fixable, there is no need to worry.
If it’s not fixable, then there is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.
[Dalai Lama]

More words of amusement or erudition encountered in recently historical times.
If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking.
[Haruki Murakami; Norwegian Wood]
The most important thing we learn at school is the fact that the most important things can’t be learned at school.
[Haruki Murakami; What I Talk About When I Talk About Running]
I believe that to meet the challenges of our times, human beings will have to develop a greater sense of universal responsibility. Each of us must learn to work not just for one self, one’s own family or one’s nation, but for the benefit of all humankind. Universal responsibility is the key to human survival, it is the foundation for world peace.
[Dalai Lama]
Self-praise is for losers. Be a winner. Stand for something. Always have class, and be humble.
[John Madden]
Nothing, not even sheer ability, can make up for the dedication required for a successful business career.
[Ray Eppert]
When you are dead, you don’t know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others. It is the same when you are stupid.
1st October 1983. I mend a puncture on my bike. I get pleasure out of being able to do simple, practical jobs — mending a fuse, changing a wheel, jump-starting the car — because these are not accomplishments generally associated with a temperament like mine. I tend to put sexual intercourse in this category too.
[Alan Bennett; Diaries]
Every time you get upset at something, ask yourself if you were to die tomorrow, was it worth wasting your time being angry?
[Robert Tew]
I’d rather do something that’s considered “weird” that makes me happy instead of being boring and sad like the rest of you.
It freaks me out when people in religious institutions try to limit choice, as in the case of anti-abortion legislation. Abortion may or may not be immoral, depending on your view of life, non-harming, karma or whatever, but I think far more important than prohibiting someone from doing something you think is wrong is encouraging people to take responsibility for their own ethical choices. Religion shouldn’t be about keeping or forcing people from doing “wrong” but encouraging people to take control of their own lives and ethical choices, which is why framing the debate in terms of “choice” is so important.
[Gesshin Greenwood at http://thatssozen.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/how-you-spend-your-time-is-how-you-live.html]
Clients do not come first. Employees come first. If you take care of your employees, they will take care of the clients.
[Richard Branson]

The kaleidoscopically flamboyant Ms Batmanghelidjh — looking more than ever like a pile of Aladdin’s laundry …
[Michael Deacon; Daily Telegraph; 16 October 2015]
For something to exist, it has to be observed. For something to exist, it has to have a position in time and space. And this explains why nine-tenths of the mass of the universe is unaccounted for. Nine-tenths of the universe is the knowledge of the position and direction of everything in the other tenth … Nine-tenths of the universe, in fact, is the paperwork.
[Terry Pratchett; Thief of Time]
The gross and net result of it is that people who spent most of their natural lives riding iron bicycles over the rocky roadsteads of this parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of their bicycle as a result of the interchanging of the atoms of each of them and you would be surprised at the number of people in these parts who are nearly half people and half bicycles … when a man lets things go so far that he is more than half a bicycle, you will not see him so much because he spends a lot of his time leaning with one elbow on walls or standing propped by one foot at kerbstones.
[Flann O’Brien, The Third Policeman; hat-tip Atomic Flâneur]