I love the expressions on the faces of Glasbergen’s cats!
Just a little amusement for the weekend …
Category Archives: amusements
Thoughts on England
Despite all the business, I have found some time for reading. One of these indulgences has been Letters from England by Karel Čapek, first published in Prague in 1924. Against my expectations it is a delight and pretty nearly a laugh a page — which is likely what was intended. All interspersed with Čapek’s curious little drawings.
Čapek is best known for writing, with his brother Josef, two almost iconic plays: R.U.R. (1920) and The Insect Play (1921). I know the latter as the short scenes were a staple of my school’s “house plays” and we even did a complete staging in my final year at school as that year’s school play. Ants running amok in the auditorium! Dark and malevolent; but great fun.
But Letters from England is Čapek’s reportage on a visit he paid to Britain. First he sojourns in London:
[S]ince I have already been on this Babylonian island ten days, I have lost the beginning. With what should I begin now? With grilled bacon or the exhibition at Wembley? With Mr Shaw or London policemen? I see that I am beginning very confusedly; but as for those policemen, I must say that they are recruited according to their beauty and size: they are like gods, a head above mortal men, and their power is unlimited. When one of those two-metre Bobbies at Piccadilly raises his arm, all vehicles come to a halt, Saturn becomes fixed and Uranus stands still on his heavenly orbit, waiting until Bobby lowers his arm again. I have never seen anything so superhuman.
…
[A]t night the cats make love as wildly as on the roofs of Palermo, despite all tales of English puritanism. Only the people are quieter here than elsewhere.
…
But not as long as I live will I become reconciled to what is known here as ‘traffic’, that is, to the volume of traffic in the streets. I remember with horror the day when they first brought me to London. First, they took me by train, then they ran through some huge, glass halls and pushed me into a barred cage which looked like a scales for weighing cattle. This was ‘a lift’ and it descended through an armour-plated well, whereupon they hauled me out and slid away through serpentine, underground corridors. It was like a horrible dream. Then there was a sort of tunnel or sewer with rails, and a buzzing train flew in. They threw me into it and the train flew on and it was very musty and oppressive in there, obviously because of the proximity to hell. Whereupon they took me out again and ran through new catacombs to an escalator which rattles like a mill and hurtles to the top with people on it. I tell you, it is like a fever. Then there were several more corridors and stairways and despite my resistance they led me out into the street, where my heart sank. A fourfold line of vehicles shunts along without end or interruption; buses, chugging mastodons tearing along in herds with bevies of little people on their backs, delivery vans, lorries, a flying pack of cars, steam engines, people running, tractors, ambulances, people climbing up onto the roofs of buses like squirrels, a new herd of motorised elephants; there, and now everything stands still, a muttering and rattling stream, and it can’t go any further …
Amongst Capek’s perambulations of the country he visits the Lake District and makes this note on the sheep:
Pilgrimage to the Sheep. It is true that there are sheep everywhere in England but lake sheep are particularly curly, graze on silken lawns and remind one of the souls of the blessed in heaven. No-one tends them and they spend their time in feeding, dreaming and pious contemplation.
He also makes numerous observations on the English themselves, including thes delights:
I wouldn’t like to make overly bold hypotheses, but it seems to me that the black and white stripes on English policemen’s sleeves have their direct origin in this striped style of old English houses.
…
Most beautiful in England though are the trees, the herds and the people; and then the ships. Old England also means those pink old gentlemen who with the advent of spring wear grey top hats and in summer chase small balls over golf courses and look so hearty and amiable that if I were eight years old I would want to play with them and old ladies who always have knitting in their hands and are pink, beautiful and kind, drink hot water and never tell you about their illnesses.
…
Every Englishman has a raincoat or an umbrella, a flat cap and a newspaper in his hand. If it is an Englishwoman, she has a raincoat or a tennis racket. Nature has a predilection here for unusual shagginess, overgrowth, bushiness, woolliness, bristliness and all types of hair. So, for example, English horses have whole tufts and tassels of hair on their legs, and English dogs are nothing but ridiculous bundles of locks. Only the English lawn and the English gentleman are shaved every day.
It’s real reportage of the hastily concocted letter home variety. A sort of semi-structured stream of consciousness. And none the worse for that. As I say it is pretty much an amusement a page. A couple of evening’s bedtime reading or something to while away a train journey.
TW3
So that was a week, was it? No actually it’s been a fortnight, and the next one bodes to be the same again. Here’s roughly what it’s been like:
Oh, much like normal then.
Dog Arithmetic
It seems like it is time for a cartoon. I spotted this one a few days ago on Facebook. Brilliant as always from Randy Glasbergen.
Auction Lotto
Our local auction houses seem to have been quiet recently, perhaps because of not wanting to compete with all the summer festivities. But they have now sprung back into life with their usual eccentric mix of objets trouvés. Here are some choice spots from the latest sale.
A large collection of Dutch ‘peasant’ silver octagonal buttons, comprising five of probably 18th century date, including four with horse and rider design and one with a coat of arms and with various maker’s marks … a set of seven horse and rider examples of later date with dolphin tax marks; a set of three with OS maker’s marks; a pair of large size; another pair with AR marks, and two others – one with a stag, together with a lion badge and a figural terminal.
A Spanish … silver articulated swordfish with green eyes, a pair of small fish pepperettes of similar type, a pair of shell salts on associated loaded silver bases, and a metal porringer.
Two shelves including decorative carthorses, cottage teapot, a quantity of Midwinter Roselle tea and dinner ware, cut glass, book on knitting, etc.
I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of selling things by the shelf. But they really do display the objects on labelled shelves.
A considerable quantity of as new and boxed items including a snooker table, electronic dart board, two folding beds, garden gate, rolls of hose, garden ornaments, solar lamps, kitchen tools, water features, and two spiral topiary trees, etc.
My mind is boggling slightly at the idea of boxing a snooker table.
A large heavy metal figure of a macaw on a stand replicating a tree stump, approximately 4’5″ tall.
A collage of stuffed birds: bullfinches, coal tit, greenfinch, chaffinch, etc.
A shelf and a half of wooden carvings, mainly tribal to include masks, flat faces, sculptures, busts, boxes and smaller implements
A wall mounted set of buffalo horns.
A stuffed blue Jay under glass dome
Four brown stoneware jugs and pots by Doulton, Lambeth etc., Framed, a blue glass dish, Staffordshire ogs, various other chinaware and figures, ‘The Ultra Lens’ boxed, black lacquered pots, a teddy bear riding a bicycle, didgeridoo-do, golf clubs, etc. Framed postcards: Colmans mustard, Wills ‘Gold Flake’ cigarettes, Championship lawn tennis Post, Huntley and Palmers, Bovril and Dunlop and a picture, Village cricket Nine gentleman in Waiting.
… but no kitchen sink!
A large bow with arrows and a large print of children with a horse.
The latter presumably as a target for the former.
A decorative sword in medieval style and a similar battle axe together with an Eastern dagger and scabbard and an Indian dagger.
A Rosenthal group of a putto and penguin disputing a crab, signed Ferd Liebermann
Two alligator skins, one including the head.
A 19th century Indian window surround of ornate carved design with painted decoration, and a panel of six candle holders.
I've Never Seen Star Wars
Tim over at Bringing up Charlie has started something new. It may even turn into a meme.
As a result of some new-fangled programme on the wireless, which seems to be called I’ve Never Seen Star Wars, Tim has come to realise that there are a collection of things he’s never done or which have somehow passed him by, but which everyone assumes everyone else actually has done. And guess what? The summit of his list is never having seen Star Wars.
Tim then goes on to challenge the rest of us to document the things we’ve never done but which might surprise our friends. Being as I like memes, and I’m insatiably curious about other people, it would be churlish of me not to join in. So here’s my list of a dozen (apparently common) things I’ve never done.
- Seen Star Wars or 2001: A Space Odyssey or Clockwork Orange or any of those other iconic films. (See, Tim, you aren’t the only one!)
- Eaten oysters or tripe
- Worn a dinner jacket or a cocktail dress
- Been skinny dipping
- Played strip poker or strip pool
- Taken recreational drugs
- Driven a car or ridden motorbike
- Watched Eastenders or (again like Tim) Friends or Downton Abbey
- Lusted after Jennifer Aniston or Pamela Anderson
- Been to the races (horses or dogs)
- Been on a package holiday
- Broken a bone
Interestingly only one thing on that list bothers me not to have done. Anyone care to guess which one?
So now I dare everyone else to tell, their darkest, secret, “I’ve never dones” — either in the comments here or on your own blog (with a link in the comments), so we can all have a good snigger. 🙂
I missed that …
The latest in our irregular series of links to items you may have missed and which interested or amused me. In no special order …
I know about Tibetan singing bowls (I even have a couple) but I had no idea about the existence of the Chinese Singing Fountain Bowl.
Topology is interesting, but also mind-breaking, stuff and the Klein Bottle is just weird. But three, one inside another?!?!
Excellent spoof article taking the p*** out of “top people’s supermarket” Waitrose. Hold on … I shop there!
Could you pass the 11-plus? I did but anyone under about 55 won’t have been given the opportunity. Try these extracts and find out if you’re up to it now — should be easy for an intelligent bunch like you!
Great hairy faces! Well that’s what was at the British Beard and Moustache Championships earlier this month in Brighton. I was going to say only in this country, but I can think of several places which would sport such championships. Bring back Eurotrash!
The Royal Society, Britain’s “national academy of science” have come up with the 20 Most Significant Inventions in the History of Food and Drink. It’s an interesting list, but I’m not sure they’re all what I would have chosen.
We need crazies; they make life interesting. So why don’t more species have awesome names like the Rasberry Crazy Ant? We should all have awesome names like that, Winston Banana, or Willie McSporran.
And finally this week saw the announcement of the 2012 IgNobel Prizes, awarded for the research papers that most make you laugh, and then make you think. Scicurious has the list and has promised follow-up articles over the next week or so.
Enjoy!
Poodle
So something slightly amusing to take this crappy week into the weekend …
Things What You Might Have Missed …
It’s been a busy week, most of which I seem to have spent in meetings. In addition I’ve been fighting a losing battle against a filthy cold and sinus infection. That’s why there hasn’t been too much activity here. It also means that I’ve built up a little backlog of links to things you might have missed, some of which, in more equable times, I would have written about in detail.
A few weeks back, Ian Visits, went to look at a 600 year old “timber cathedral” near Heathrow Airport. Looks like an old barn on the outside, but just get those timbers on the inside!
Meanwhile in Leicester archaeologists have been digging up a car park looking for a king. And lo, verily! They believe they’ve found Richard III, “hunchback” and all!
But who needs a king when you can have a naked lady to ramble over? Northumberlandia, is a public open space landscaped as as naked lady. What better use could there be for old slag heaps?
While on the subject of nudity (nothing unusual there then!) I note that Stephen Gough, the “Naked Rambler” has been jailed again by the prudish Scots judiciary. From reading the Telegraph report the guy clearly isn’t mad, but he is certainly misguided and pig-headed — especially given that this has not only kept him (wrongly in my view) in jail but also cost him his family. Clearly he doesn’t see it that way and I suspect there’s nothing that’s going to change him. It needs a certain level of flexibility and common sense by “the authorities” in Scotland to release him from jail, put him in the back of a police van and deposit him a free man somewhere in England where he appears to be less likely to be re-arrested. It’s crazy that no-one (on either side) is prepared to budge enough to resolve something which is a huge waste of money and resource.
While talking of wasting money, the TUC has this week dubbed Britain’s railways “a gigantic scam” with passengers being fleeced, and public money wasted, to line the pockets of shareholders. And for once I have to say I agree with them. Railways, like the utilities, should never have been privatised.
How on earth does one write a bridge from the unions and railways to cats? Because next up, yes we have pussies. Guess what? Researchers this week have discovered that we humans can catch toxoplasmosis from cats. Who knew? Well I did; and what’s more I’ve known for 30 years! Duh!
I’m not even going to try the next link. I doubt I can do it without descending into the bowels of indecency. For next we have two weblog items from sex educator (and sex “a lot of other things”) Maggie Mayhem, who I enjoy reading because she’s not afraid to call a spade as shit shovel and tell things like they are, albeit often somewhat amusingly. First off she’s written an absolutely scathing attack on the elements of (mostly American) society who believe in “Biblical Anti-Feminism” — basically keep the girls uneducated and trained only to praise their men and God, and bear their children. Read it and weep … read the links she provides and you’ll likely become suicidal, if not homicidal.
Secondly Maggie Mayhem has written about how she has rebelled against the current fashion for females to remove body hair. Sing praises for some common sense!
After which you’ll need your daily dose of mind-boggling. Here’s an old article which describes a one line program (above), written in IBM’s APL language, which runs Conway’s Game of Life. What’s even more scary is that I used to be able to write and maintain this stuff. No wonder I’m out of my brain!
For your second sorry third, including the Biblical anti-feminists, mind-boggle of the day … have you ever wondered how long you’d need to lie outside with your mouth open before some bird shit dropped in it? Well wonder no longer, because What If? from XKCD will tell you. It’ll also tell you something weird about the fuel consumption of your car.
Finally in this edition we go from the totally mad to the … totally mad. Did you know that the world’s longest recorded parsnip is 18 feet 5 inches (5.607 metres) from stem to tip? Yep, it’s all part of the National Giant Vegetable Championships. Or perhaps you’d prefer a 3.76kg spud with your roast? There’s nowt so queer as gardeners!
DID – NOT!
Quite some time ago I came across the idea of an antitheses to Desert Island Discs.
For those not in the know, DID is a long running (it started in 1942!) weekly BBC Radio programme in which a public figure (the castaway on the eponymous island) chooses the eight pieces of music they would want to have with them. They are also allowed one book (in addition to The Bible and The Works of Shakespeare) and one luxury.
In the version I have in mind one chooses the music etc. one would least like to have. So here are my choices:
Least Favourite Records
- Middle of the Road, Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep
- Helen Kane, I taut I taw a Puddy Tat. Genuine torment of my childhood.
- Anything Country & Western
- Beatles, Blackbird, from the White Album. This always makes me depressed, which is the last thing I’ll need.
- Paul McCartney, Mull of Kintyre
- Vivaldi, Four Seasons
- Pachelbel, Canon in D major
- And finally it is a toss up between opera and Mozart. On balance I think I’d hate to have anything operatic (Gilbert & Sullivan excepted).
Least Favourite Book
I’d probably choose Salman Rushdie, Satanic Verses which I am totally unable to read. I’d also not be too keen an anything by Dickens, Jane Austen, the Brontës, Thomas Hardy (you can blame school for that collection).
Least Favourite Luxury
Golf clubs or Scuba diving gear — I cannot imagine ever wanting to do either, although I suppose the golf clubs could be useful for building a shelter or clubbing meat to death.
Anyone else fancy joining in? If so post your choices on your blog and leave a comment so we can all enjoy them. 🙂