Sorting through a box of old papers the other day, I happened upon the following from 1999. Not much changes!
Your PC
(PC = Personal Cat)SPECIFICATIONS
Standard input:
- bilateral frontal whisker array
- bilateral adjustable audio dishes (range 20Hz-20kHz)
- stereoscopic scanning device, with night vision
- Velcro™ flavour sampling device/energy collector
- twin front-mounted odour sampling devices.
Standard output:
- internally mounted purr box
- single speaker with separate growl mode
- rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device
Processor:
- parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory
- autonomic control of system software
Included Hardware:
- calcium-based skeletal structure
- byte-to-bit conversion array
- retractable document shredder/hole punch
- paw pad printer
- mouse (standard catnip)
Also included: natural fibre protective covering in various colours.
SYSTEM SOFTWARE
Your PC will come pre loaded with one of the following:
• DOS (domestic short hair)
• OS (other short hair)
• MS (mega-soft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)
- Conversion to Eunuchs can be done by a simple operation. This is recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC clones.
- Bundled Software may include the following: Mortal Kombat, Acrobat, Explorer, and Stuff it Expander.
- Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as needed.
- There are no user-serviceable parts inside.
OPERATING YOUR PC
- To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can opener).
- Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep. Your PC will Sleep automatically if unused for a short period of time, or you may invoke the Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area. To wake your PC from Sleep you may press the power button as in Start, shake the mouse, or tap any of the PC’s input devices (see specs).
- To perform a Warm Boot: Remove your shoe, then tap the PC gently with your toes.
- To perform a Cold Boot: Same technique as for Warm Boot, but leave your shoe on.
- To Reboot: Repeat the Warm Boot.
- Cleaning your PC: Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface wash only. Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion is necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure your PC is fully dry when finished.
- Compatibility and Networking: Your PC is designed to independently assess compatibility with other PCs.
- Running Eunuchs will generally give your PC greater compatibility with other PCs. It may be necessary to install a fire wall between incompatible PCs as each may attempt to breach the other’s security systems.
- Compatible PCs may share thermal energy and cleaning tasks and may network for gaming purposes.
- Please note that your PC will be incompatible with units of type BIRD, FISH and RODENT, unless appropriate security measures (such as a fire wall) are installed. Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG units provided they occupy a subordinate position within the hierarchical structure.
- Power Requirements: Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat food. Direct supply of water. Direct access to solar and thermal energy sources.
TROUBLESHOOTING
- PC has difficulty exiting: Perform a Warm Boot.
- PC shares files from dinner/table/plates without permission: Boot your PC prior to running food-related software.
- PC hangs up phone during call: Try invoking sleep mode prior to making call. Otherwise perform a Warm Boot.
- PC is frozen: PC is probably scanning for small life forms. Wait for task to complete or, if necessary Warm Reboot.
- Deleted material not going to trash or recycling bin: Reprogram preferences in PC sys/litter box/deposit/target.aim.