Here’s my usual round-up of things which have amused me during the year. Unsurprisingly this has not been a vintage year for amusement.
Product of the Year
This is one of the few categories which has done reasonably well again this year. Here are the top three:
Vagina Scented Candle
No really! Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP have been selling a candle called THIS SMELLS LIKE MY VAGINA. Hmmmm … OK!
White Chocolate Brain
Freezer supermarket Iceland were selling this beauty in the run-up to Halloween. Sadly it now appears to be discontinued.
100% Halal Mini Assorted Liquorice Pencils with Fondant Filling
Buy these on Amazon!
Headline
Skin cream applied to mosquito bites stops viruses infecting mice
according to New Scientist back in January.
Truth of the Year
Well there really is only one contender. As John Crace in the Guardian said: Boris’s speech was designed as a quick win. Then he opened his mouth.
Plonker of the Year
Again there is but one (collection) of contenders: the whole of the UK Cabinet.
Blog
Not just for its amusement value but also as a serious exploration of history this year’s nomination is the Going Medieval blog written by academic Dr Eleanor Janega. It describes itself as Medieval History, Pop Culture, Swearing.
Research Topic
Back in the early part of the year the following was posted on Twitter:
Open PhD position at Linköping University in Sweden on the effects of domestication on brain structure in relation to social cognition in chickens.
Auction Item
As regular readers will know, we love the strange things which people sell at auctions. This year’s superlative has to be from our local auction house in February:
A life size model of Elvis Presley seated on a stool playing his guitar.
Personal Name
The top three names encountered this year are:
- Superintendent Pigg, of the Metropolitan Police.
- Will Welfare, who in February was interim deputy director of health protection for Public Health England North West.
- Leonardi Da Vinci Williams (died 1846, Lambeth), who I found while doing family history research.
Place Name
Family history research also told us about
Madams Court Farm near Sittingbourne which is owned by the Hooker family.
Neologism
This year’s award is shared five ways by:
- pseudo-profound bullshit (as in most self-help books)
- friendly neighbourhood courtesan (a quality prostitute)
- luxury companion (also a quality prostitute)
- vaginal wedge (as they say on Oz: map of Tasmania)
- rapid unscheduled disassembly (it blew up!)
Animal
So now to our animal of the year, where we have two winners but for different reasons.
First place goes to Magawa, the African Giant Pouched Rat who has been honoured for his work helping clear landmines.
Secondly there is the recently rediscovered Somali Sengi, a tiny elephant shrew which “mates for life, can race around at 30km/h and sucks up ants with its trunk-like nose”.
Occupation
This year’s occupation is Nob Thatcher, ie. a wig-maker.
Word
A three-way tie here this year:
- Picatrix (Ancient Roman). A girl who administered the equivalent of a bikini waxing.
- Meretrix (Ancient Roman). A prostitute.
- Yellowplush (early 19th-century). Epithet for a footman, after their often yellow plush leggings (think the Frog and Fish footmen in Alice in Wonderland).
Marketing Bollocks
Well it’s all “marketing bollocks” really, isn’t it? But this year’s superlative goes to this from the cosmetics company Lush:
As you close your eyes and inhale frankincense oil, you see yourself walking in a pine and eucalyptus forest, your steps taking you to a sun-bathed clearing. Here, a steamy spring welcomes you in its warm and surprisingly citrus-scented water. While you thought you couldn’t be more relaxed, a misty incense smoke spreads around you, balancing and settling your mind.
OK, so that’s all for this year’s edition. We’ll be looking out for brilliance again next year; contributions are always welcome. Let’s see if we can make it a vintage year!
Meanwhile remember, folks: Losers eat turnips and don’t have a pastry chef.