Charm offensive
Yes, I agree, charm is offensive

Spray for ‘six times longer’ sex
Ooo eeerr; advent of the 1 metre prick!?!?!

Bottle killing youth sent to jail
Can’t have vicious bottles on the loose; lock ‘em up!

Veteran osprey lays Easter egg
Now I’ve heard of chocolate teapots, but ….

DOWNING ST AIDE RESIGNS
Who’s St Aide? Must be one of those obscure Irish saints

Thieving dwarves cause supernovae
Ah, dwarves in space; new comedy series?

Spam produces 17m tons of CO₂
Didn’t know you could still buy Spam

Stephen Hawking
Yes but what’s he hawking?